A/N: Hello! This is a one-shot that I wrote for an independent RP blog that I run on Tumblr. This is my first ever attempt at a DW fic, so please take that into account when reading. I'm not entirely sure that it's IC, but still. I didn't have a beta for this or anything, it just popped into my head when I was listening to title song by The Killers.
Any reviews would be hugely appreciated, but I'm not making it obligatory or anything.
Thank you!
The Doctor closed the TARDIS doors behind him, then walked up to the console and slumped in the jumpseat. He'd only just dropped Kate off at her mum's but yet the ship already felt way too quiet. Silent, even.
He tended to avoid quiet places for a reason, not because they weren't interesting, but because he couldn't stand silence. It just reminded him of his last memories back home on Gallifrey, right after the Time War had finished. He used to love his home, but now he hated the thought of it. All those people; friends and family of his, gone because of him. He still had some mornings where he could barely face his reflection in the mirror, as seeing himself in this body really did make him think of just how young he'd been when he'd done the most hateful thing possible to his own kind.
So stupid, so naive he'd been! He suddenly stood up and kicked the seat as hard as he could, his blood boiling with self-loathing. The TARDIS tried to nudge calm thoughts into his head but he forced them away, wanting to shut the ship out of his head for a while. He wanted to scream, to throw something, but there was nothing in the room for him to be able to get his hands on. He let out a cry of frustration, sitting down on the floor and bringing his knees to his chest with his head in his hands.
He'd been feeling terrible since this morning, when he'd woken up with Kate by his side. He didn't deserve to have a wife like her, not after all the things he'd done. She'd made him promise to let her see her mum a few days ago, and of course he agreed. That didn't stop him from hardly speaking to her at all, shaking his head dismissively and stubbornly saying that he was fine when she noticed something was wrong. She seemed to get the message that he didn't want to talk about it but it didn't stop her from happily chatting away to him, still trying to make him come round. It hadn't worked, and he gave her a brief kiss before waving to her after he'd parked up outside her mum's house.
It had been centuries since the Time War, but he still wasn't used to having days like this. Days where it felt like all of his anger and guilt had built up and got him so close to breaking point. He'd always tried to hard to be cheerful, putting on a brave face when his head was constantly screaming why, why why?
It wasn't just the War that brought this out in him. Thoughts of what some of his previous companions had been through, what he'd put them through. Ian and Barbara, Jamie, Jo, Sarah-Jane, Leela, Tega, Perrie, Ace, Grace, Rose, Martha, and Donna. Each face flashed through his mind, and he balled his hands up into fists.
After a few minutes, his breathing evened out, and he stood up. He put back up that one barrier that only he could reach, the one that he'd always be knocking down when everything got to him like this.
He was the Doctor.
He was going to be fine, because he had to be.