I think they call it love.

As I looked up I saw the golden lily in front of me. I didn't know where I had gone wrong. I turned the delicate cross necklace over and over in my hand whilst the memory of Sydney did the same in my mind. I remembered all of the things we did together, I remember sitting in the sunshine with her, her beautiful face glowing with perfection and yeah, the sun made me uncomfortable but it was worth it because in that moment I saw the real Sydney, not the alchemist, not the super genius but the girl that I wanted to be with, and the girl that I could never be with. I also remember the time that she bought me a cherry slushy, just to make me happy after my asshole of a father made me feel worthless, she even drank a whole slushy to herself, even though I know how she feels about consuming sugar, but she did that for me! ME! That is what hurts the most, the fact that truly, I think she likes me, but her commitments to the alchemists stop her from showing her true feelings. Do you think I chose to be a moroi? Do you think that I wanted a life like this? I have a reputation as a spoilt little rich boy with no time for anyone else, but maybe they don't realise that I drink and smoke to drown my sorrows because for a small amount of time I can forget about everything, I can forget who I am and just be who I want to be. I want to be with Sydney. I WANT TO BE HER LIFE! HER EVERYTHING! Iwas never going to be her superman but I'd do everything I could to make her life perfect, we could have ran away together and lived happily ever after, but fairytale endings don't happen, especially not for me. I have had my fair share of heart breaks, especially after Rose cheated on me with Dimitri, I don't know what she sees in him, but whatever it is I don't have it, I wasn't enough to make her happy.

Sydney brought me closer to who I really am, she made me feel like everything in my life was perfect and she showed me how much better I could be, and then, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

I remember what I had said to her, on the night that we kissed, I told her that I wanted her to listen, to listen to something that didn't fit into her neat, compartmentalized world of logic and reason, because what she was saying wasn't reasonable. I told her that I tried to be a better person for her because I wanted to, because she inspires me. And I remember telling her she was like light made into flesh and that she was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen walking the earth and I meant it! What I feel for Sydney is something I have never felt before, something that I only feel when she is around.

I think they call it love.

I guess I'm just unlucky in love, I do my very best to make other people happy and all they ever do is let me down and leave me feeling weak and useless. My whole life I have felt that way, after all I hardly have very supportive parents, but this time I really thought my life would get better, I really thought that all of the pain and all of the worries in my life would be worth it because of Sydney. Sydney. Why does she have to haunt my mind over and over again like some kind of forbidden temptation when it is pretty clear that she doesn't want me, because it's true you know, she doesn't want me! She doesn't want me and she doesn't need me, she doesn't need anyone. The only thing that makes her happy is her life with the alchemists , a life that doesn't include me.

But that kiss, that tiny little show of affection, it meant everything to me, it make my heart stop beating for the duration and made me want to draw her in and kiss her again, I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be okay, but instead she pulled away and the fireworks that the kiss had ignited died away, along with my chances of ever being with her. She didn't want me and she made that pretty clear when she left, she didn't even look back or turn to face me before she ripped my heart to shreds and left me with a gaping hole where my heart should have been.

I don't know what went wrong. Tears were stinging in my eyes, I shouldn't cry but reality is so cruel that it was something that I couldn't stop myself from doing. I stood up and made my way to the kitchen to get some water when I saw the tub of pomegranate gelato sitting on the kitchen side and all it did was bring back painful memories. I had bought the gelato for Sydney who had promised to drink a can of pop if I went a day without smoking, I actually went a week without smoking because I wanted to be a better person. For her. Now, staring at the cold dessert, it made me yearn for her and all I wanted was for her to be with me. I took the gelato with me as I made my way back to the living room and sat down on the edge of the sofa. When I opened the tub what I saw made the tears spring to my eyes again, one quarter of the gelato was missing, which meant that Sydney had kept her promise and had eaten the gelato (I had told her that one portion had the same amount of calories as a can of pop), which meant so much to me. With that I began to eat the gelato, the sweet sharpness of the pomegranate took away some of the pain she had left behind but still left me feeling raw and empty. I put the gelato tub on the coffee table and glanced upwards.

Right there, in front of me, was the golden lily that I had painted for her, I picked up the gelato tub again and threw it at the painting, leaving a huge hole in the middle of the painting and a red smear from the gelato itself, and then I turned and walked away, out of the door and down the street, without looking back, the same way that she had left me.