Actually, this story should have been published one day ago, but due to nostalgia, it was delayed.
This story is based on an actual finnish fairytale about why finn's spend so much time in the sauna. A perfect example of why I shouldn't browse ungafakta's fairytale section just for fun.
WARNING: boring people with neither a life or a sense of humor, might find this offending. Read at your own risk.
It's pretty obvious that I don't own Hetalia.
Devil-Russia and sauna-loving Finland
Once upon a time, there was a nation called Finland. He lived together with his beloved Sweden, in a house where everything looked like unmountable furniture from the awesome Ikea, because Sweden was a carpenter. Anyway, the house also had a big sauna. Because Finland loved his sauna and spent most of his free time there. Every morning, he got up early, just to sit in his sauna a little while before breakfast. Then he worked hard all day, because Finland was a very diligent and kind nation who would do anything for his people. After a day full of hard work, he sat in the sauna together with Sweden a while before they went to sleep.
Since he spent so much time in the hot sauna, he gradually got accustomed to the heat and found the sauna kinda cold. No matter how hot it was, it still felt cold. Then Sweden, who, despite his tendency to scare the crap out of pretty much everyone, was a very kind man, built a new sauna for his beloved Finland, one that could be even warmer.
But as time passed, Finland got used to the new sauna as well. When Sweden asked if he wanted a new one, Finland said no, since it would be unfair if Su-san built new saunas all the time because of him. Instead, Finland chopped more firewood to make the sauna hotter and hotter.
The word spread around the world. Soon, everyone knew about the amazing, heat resistant nation. Of course, eventually even the Devil himself, Russia, heard about it.
"If he wants heat, then he's gonna catch hell, da." Devil-Russia said with a very innocent rapeface, purple flames erupting around him out of pure enthusiasm. His Baltic servants, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, looked alarmed, which could be because of Devil-Russia's insanely bad pun, since Russia telling puns is a bit ominous. But Estonia was worried mostly about Finland, who was his friend. But since Devil-Russia was an intimidating nation (when Belarus wasn't around whispering "Marry me", that is), who were stronger than them (guess two times why they are his servants), they said nothing.
Instead, they gave him a bottle of vodka before he went off to Helsinki. Lithuania thought about being punished for his sins (masochist all the way). Estonia thought about Finland and crazy festivals. Latvia thought about all the things that freaked him out, that is, like, everything, and hence, he had one of his mental breakdowns. That's why the whole world heard someone screaming "LATVIAA!" three seconds later.
Sometime after that, in Helsinki:
Finland was chopping firewood for his sauna, which still was too cold, when he suddenly sneezed. That was because Estonia had sent him a thought, right before he informed the world about Latvia's breakdown, and sneezing is the ring tone when someone sends you a mental SMS. Finland didn't think about this, though.
"Have I caught a cold? I better warm the sauna up well." he said, continuing his hard work.
Just as he finished chopping the last piece of wood, he saw a movement in the corner of his eye, and he turned around, calling "Who's there?" (It was meant to sound threatening, but as shown in most SuFin doujinshi's, Finland is way too cute to scare anyone)
It was Devil-Russia, who were flying in his magic Russian mortar, which actually was from another fairytale. Flying like that, clad in his favorite coat and smiling evilly, he was indeed one mighty sight, even though his pants was soiled with rancid butter because someone had used it for churning butter and not cleaning it afterwards (Baltic nations, you're going to hell... wait a minute, they are already in hell, nevermind). Finland stared at him, just a little alarmed.
"Russia! What are you doing here? I'm not becoming one with you, I'm married to Sweden!"
But for once, Devil-Russia didn't pull off his catchphrase "Become one with mother Russia, da?" Instead, he shook his head.
"No, no. Not at all." He could easily capture Finland when the little happy nation was by himself, but trying to pick a fight with Sweden was perhaps not such a good idea. He smiled and said: "You like saunas, da?"
Finland's violet eyes widened in surprise. That was not a phrase he'd expect Devil-Russia to say. "Like saunas? I love them!" he said enthusiastically, looking every bit of flaming uke. "They're wonderful! Spending time in the sauna blah blah blah. And did you know..."
Devil-Russia just stood there, and waited rapefacely for Finland to finish. It took a while, because Finland had much to say about saunas. He even went into detail about what effect the bench had on your thigh muscles, depending on how much salmiakki you eat a day. After some hours, Finland finished his lecture about the wonder of saunas, and said "Why do you ask?"
Devil-Russia felt like killing anyone who even mentioned the word sauna, but still, he answered.
"I happen to own a very, very warm sauna that you may like, da?"
Finland brightened up with joy. "Really?" Russia seemed to be more like a person who loves rolling around in the snow and bathing in ice cold water rather than sitting in a warm sauna. "Then let's go!"
He quickly wrote a note for Sweden (Sve, I'm in hell to try out Russia-san's sauna. I will be back for supper. With love /Finland) and then he leaped into the mortar beside Russia, not even noticing he got rancid butter on his pants, because he was so happy about the sauna. He was too happy to even be cautious of going with Devil-Russia.
They flew over the Russian tundra for a while, and then they reached the portal to hell. It burned like hell in there (pardon me for the pun).
"Be my guest and come inside." Devil-Russia said and looked just as evil as you'd expect from someone who lives in Siberia, drink vodka for breakfast and is stalked by his creepy little sister all day long (especially that last part).
Finland looked incredibly happy when he felt the heat of the flames, and willingly followed Devil-Russia inside. Devil-Russia pointed his finger at a red hot stone and told Finland to sit down. Finland did as he was told, but was a little disappointed at how cold the stone was.
"Aw, it's cold." he said, shivering a bit. "Could you turn up the heat a little bit, please?"
"...kolkolkolkolkolkol..."
After uttering that sentence, he went to tell the Baltic nations to tell them to turn up the heat, because they finally had someone here who liked heat. The enslaved nations did as they were told, Estonia carrying a worried face. Finland sat back and enjoyed while the heat increased.
It went on like that. The more the heat increased, the more Finland loved it. After a while, the constant heating started to effect the earth. Suddenly, the normally emotionless Iceland came running, yelling angrily at Russia (he was so pissed, so he dared to do that o_O)
"Stop the heating, you devil! All of my volcanoes are erupting, and the glaciers are melting! My island will soon be under water!"
His bird said nothing, but bit Devil-Russia's nose a little too hard.
After that, all of the other countries showed up (except from Greece, since he was sleeping peacefully, completely unaware of everything except his beloved cats, and Sweden, since he had a policy not to get involved in serious stuff)
"Man, you are so totally unawesome! There is no way I can keep the awesome beer of awesome me cold in this heat!" (Prussia)
"I will now express my anger and utter disgust with this piano." (Austria)
"[CENSORED]" (Romano)
"I'm gonna send this superawesome super hero to destroy you!" (America)
"..." (Norway)
"Stop it, or your capitol will, like, totally, be Warsaw!" (Poland)
"Marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me..." (Belarus, she wasn't let inside, but that didn't stop her from clawing the door and whispering things)
Devil-Russia started to feel like killing someone, really, really slowly. Then, his whiskers suddenly caught fire (he had whiskers o_O?), and that. was. it.
"Get the hell out, I never want to see you again, da!" Devil-Russia cried, and went to take out his anger on Lithuania. All of the nations, except Finland and Belarus, suddenly remembered that they had forgotten to lock their doors and went home rather quickly. Finland suddenly found himself thrown out on the Russian tundra. He felt a little disappointed that he had to leave the nice and warm sauna, but at least he knew that Devil-Russia would probably leave him alone from now on.
And when he came home, Sweden had prepared some karjalanpiirakat and bought salmiakki.
"How was hell?" he asked.
"Cold."
And that's why Finns still, at a very young age, learn to spend as much time in the sauna as possible, because then they become heat resistant and Devil-Russia doesn't want them.
THE END
...I regret nothing, I guess? o_O
Somehow, I feel like Sweden's the wife here.
EDIT: you can find the original tale in english here (remove the spaces): youtube /watch? feature=player _embedded &v= IQnFV_QQzfE
It was the best version I could find in english (sorry)
Oh, btw. Karjalanpiirakat is a Finnish pasty.
You know what I want. Now be good and give it to me ;)