I suffer willingly

by Khordealis

Everything I ever did, Tala, I did for you. But in the end, it wasn't enough. In the end, I failed you. I suffer willingly so you can be free. This is my goodbye. Don't come looking.

To Tala,

I know it's been a hell of a long time since you heard from me, bro'. Circumstances haven't exactly been givin' me any time to write you guys - not to mention give you a call. Actually, I won't be making any calls anyway. Too much of a chicken to risk hearing your voice. Even this freaking letter has taken me ages to work up the nerves to write. The only reason I'm really doing it is because someone beat some sense into me and told me I should, for your sake, but mostly for my own. So if shit sounds sentimental, overlook it, ok?

I'm really sorry I upped and left the way I did. I should have told you, or at least left some kind of note, but I didn't, cause I was too much a coward. You deserve to know why I did what I did, and why I wasn't man enough to face you again after it.

I remember the day Kai came to the Abbey, Tal. I always said I didn't, but I do. I remember that tiny kid with those big hurt eyes, holding that pathetic-looking teddy bear. I remember that it was raining, mid autumn in Moscow. I remember how he tried to look calmer than he was. I remember the urge to just hold him and try to keep him safe from all the pain he was going to feel in the years to come. I remember it all. But mostly, Tala, I remember you. The look in your eyes at the sight of him, how you saw someone as odd as yourself, someone more frail than you, someone who appeared already to see you as his leader. I don't think you fell in love with Kai at fourteen. You fell for him that day. So I swore I'd do anything for that midget of a kid, I'd protect him and follow him and be his brother and his ally and his friend no matter what. Partially because he reminded me so much of my own little brother and I really loved him like one – but the main reason was always the fact that you loved him.

I knew it would never be Bryan and Tala in the lead again, but Tala and Kai – with the rest of us losers in the background. I knew I would never again get to watch over you in your sleep or laugh with you way past lights out, sharing our own lousy secret jokes. But I want you to know, that I paid that price willingly and I have never regretted it. Your happiness, Tal, has always been the only thing that was ever important to me – and if it meant I had to watch you from the sidelines as you went from my friend to my leader, from the quirky joker to the Ice-Wolf and further and further from me, then so fucking be it.

I kept that place, even when Kai left the Abbey, 'cause I knew we'd see him again, and I knew your feelings for him never changed. My place has always been that of your back up, the monster you kept in a leash. And you know what, I was fine with that. Saved me having to think too much on everything. If you kept your distance from me, I could easier keep my distance from you. Then when Kai came back to us, permanently, or well, sort of, I was thrilled. You were so happy, Tal, and man, you deserve to be happy. When you two became official, I punched my fists sore on fuckheads badmouthing the two of you. You were happy, and that was the only important thing. Be glad you never experienced the sight of me at around four in the mornings with Spence telling me off again and again for "going back to my old ways" while bandaging my hands or face or whatever. I didn't care, though. Hell, I was defending you, like I have always done. Spence and Ian could say what ever the hell they wanted. I could never fucking bring myself to be angry or hurt, Tal. I never could when it came to you. At anyone else, you know just how angry I can get and what damage I can cause. But you could beat me to death before I lift my hand at you.

And then Kai died.

Tal, if you only knew how hard I worked at trying to keep him safe and with you! And still I failed. I failed my little brother, and I failed you. I had one job to do, and that was to ensure your happiness. I failed to save him, Tala. I held him in my arms as he faded, begging him not to let go, to stay with us. I told him over and over that we loved him and that he had to stay with us. But I couldn't save him. I keep thinking, if I had just gotten there a minute or two earlier I could have saved him. Those fifteen minutes are on replay in my head day and night, and no matter what I do I can't get it to stop. And believe me, I've tried loads of way to make it stop. Nothing works.

I really tried, Tal, to be a support for you during those first months afterwards. But I aint much help when it comes to mourning and stuff. Spence has always been the one who's got the skills with that. Hell, even Ian's better at it than I'll ever be. So I pulled away. I needed to get a hold of my own grief, I guess, and I couldn't bear adding extra weight to your shoulders, so I kept clear of you all. When I finally thought I'd locked it all away tight enough I came home – remember? But I knew when I saw you, it wouldn't work. Not in a long shot. Not with you clinging to me day and night, even sleeping next to me, just like in the old days.

I cracked, Tal.

I did something unforgivable to you in your mourning, and I knew it. You were never mine to hold. God, don't I know that. And the shock in your eyes, Tal. Jesus fucking Christ, I knew I fucked up then! I knew I had screwed our friendship and all my years of working for your happiness over completely. So I blamed the booze, again. I wasn't all that drunk, but that doesn't matter. And I left.

Maybe that was for the better. I can't really tell you much about the time that followed. I was drunk or high, or both. Or I was in fights or in jail. I even spent a while at some psych ward somewhere. I think it might have been Germany, but fuck if I know. I just wanted to be as far away as possible, so you could recover and have a good life again. I got a job offer in the US, some factory bullshit, and I took it. Border control didn't even look twice at my fake ID's. Guess that was the one bit of luck I've had since I left Moscow. Didn't do too well with work. Or, well, I did when I was sober. But I didn't like being sober. Things got fucked up again, and there's another blurry period, and now I'm at some rehab clinic in the middle of freaking nowhere. Been here three months, and I don't reckon I'll be getting out any time soon. I left my first clean samples yesterday, so at least there's progress, but I'm still a fucked up pathetic mess. Kai's been dead for over two years, but for me, it's still yesterday, Tal. His blood on my skin won't ever wash away. The fact that I've failed you won't ever go away.

Now I only have one last thing to say, the point of this fucking pathetic rant – in case you haven't already figured it out yet;

I love you, Tala.

I can finally say it now when I know you're halfway across the planet and I don't have to look you in the eyes. You'll always be my most important person in the world. Just know that, 'cause I don't think I'll ever come back.

I love you.

/Bryan.

P.S. I'm sending this via another addressee, the return address aint the one I'm writing from. It's for your sake, Tal. You won't be hearing from me again, and I don't want you to come looking. Please. D.S

Xxx xXx xxX

"A visitor for Bryan?" the young nurse asked in happy surprise and smiled at the young man standing before her. "Wow, he'll be so glad to see you! Almost a year now, and no one's ever come to see him."

She nodded for him to follow and they walked through the building, in the direction of a lush garden, bathing in the sunlight. As they stepped outside, Tala saw several small groups of people scattered about in the small patches of shade the trees offered. The nurse walked up to an older man with a pair of glasses balancing dangerously on the very tip of his nose. He smiled welcomingly when he noticed the redhead. The young nurse leaned forward a bit and asked in a low voice;

"Where's Bryan? Tala here has come all the way from Europe to see him."

"Really?" the man beamed. "I think he's in the chapel. At least he was half an hour ago." He turned to Tala. "Bryan's not the most sociable of guys, I gotta say, but he's a damn nice one. Always looking after everyone, and having no tolerance with fights and arguments. Just wish he'd open up to us a bit more, though."

Tala gave a small smile.

"Bry's never been sociable," he said. "And he doesn't really like doctors."

"Huh," the man said thoughtfully. "You make a valid point. Go look in the chapel, I think he's still there. Our dear reverend wanted to discuss some repair or other, and Bryan is rather good with his hands."

"If you only knew," Tala smirked to himself as the nurse pointed him in the direction of the small chapel at the other end of the garden. He was thankful that she didn't follow him all the way. It had been almost three years since he saw Bryan last, and the letter had given him a lot to think about. He needed this moment to be only the two of them. Even Spence and Ian had found themselves left back at the hotel. He took a deep breath before opening the doors and stepping inside. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light inside, he spotted a familiar figure sitting in one of the pews, fiddling with a very worn old rosary that Tala had seen many times before. As he silently approached, he noticed that Bryan had gotten a lot thinner, but that he still had that sense of ill-boding strength to him. The lilac hair was a bit longer than last time, but not so much that it was bothering. There were a few more tattoos on his arms, not very good ones, and probably done when drunk. His face looked a little worn, hardly surprising, and had a whole new seriousness to it. He looked troubled. Tala felt a pang of… he didn't know what, but it could have been guilt. Without a word, he sat down next to the larger man. Bryan didn't even look sideways – appearing too lost in thoughts. But just when the redhead was about to speak, Bryan beat him to it.

"Damn you and your pack instincts."

His voice was lower than Tala remembered it, and a bit on the hoarse side. He couldn't help but smile, but didn't answer that statement. Instead he gestured at the chapel in general.

"Have you become a believer all of a sudden?" he asked. "I thought I'd see Judgement Day before you turning to prayer."

Bryan hung the rosary back around his neck and finally looked back at the redhead. There were so many emotions swirling around in those light violet eyes Tala had a hard time grasping even one of them.

"No, I haven't become a believer," he said. "But this is the only fucking place here where I can be left alone, and the rosary does give me some peace. Things change, people change. Why are you here?"

"I want you to come home, Bry," Tala said softly.

"No, you don't," Bryan sighed and turned back to the sight of the little altar. Tala reached out and gently turned his head back. Bryan looked as though his palm was made of fire.

"Yes, I do," Tala said very firmly. "I want you to come home with me. I want to have you by my side."

"Why?"

"Many reasons. Your letter really got me thinking, Bryan. I have read it over and over since I got it. I've done you wrong so many times, Bry, I don't think I can ever make it up to you. I realize that now. Call me a fool or call me egocentric, but somehow, all my life I've always counted on you being there. Ever since we were kids, Bry, I never thought anything could go completely wrong as long as you were there. I… I guess I took you for granted in so many ways. And, I also made the same mistake as everyone else. I forgot your complexity. I forgot how good you've always been at pretending not to feel. You're so good at it that everyone, me too, even forgot that you feel."

"So did I for a while, Tal," Bryan said, looking away. "But none of this changes anything."

"Yes it does, Bry!" Tala protested. "What you wrote to me changes everything! Wake up, Bry! I am trying to tell you how beyond words sorry I am for the way I've hurt you all your fucking life! I am trying to tell you I have taken a good look at myself and realized how much I needed to change. I am trying to tell you I want you to come back home. I am trying to tell you that I want to be with you again! What part of 'please come back to me' don't you understand, you stupid oaf?"

"All of it," Bryan said grimly. "You're acting this way because you think that if I come home with you, you can have me close again and make all these years up to me. But that won't work, Tal." He looked the redhead right in the eyes. Tala saw nothing but pain and an attempt to keep a distance. "Because the fact in all of this is; you love Kai. You have done so all your life. I have known from the start where my place is, and it's never been with you. You will only hurt yourself and me, and insult Kai in the process if you're gonna be with me out of guilt when you love him. I won't let you do that." He looked away, and his voice was a bit strained as he said. "Go home, Tala. You don't know what you're saying."

"Kai and I broke up just before he died," the redhead said quietly. Bryan cringed slightly but still didn't look at him. Tala went on. "Yes, I loved Kai. I loved him with all my heart. But, as you said, things change. People change. In the end, we grew apart. In the end, the love died, Bryan. In the end, it was a pipe dream. He didn't want to be tied down. He didn't want to slow down, to be 'normal'. He didn't want to belong to anyone. I loved Kai, Bryan. But I broke it off."

"You did what?" it was nothing more than a sobbing whisper, a sound Tala never thought he'd hear from bid bag Bryan.

"I broke it off. I told him that I would forever be there for him, but not as his lover. I had enough of never knowing if he was going to be there when I woke up, or if it would be a week, a month, three months before I heard from him or saw him again. I couldn't stand not knowing where he was, what he was doing and with who. He accepted that. He told me he had never cheated on me, but he couldn't stand the 'everyday life'."

He gently turned Bryan's face back towards himself, more than a bit alarmed at seeing the larger man's silent tears. He'd never seen Bryan cry. Not during the most unspeakable torture and pain. But he was crying now. And it was all Tala's fault.

"I tried to save him, Tal, I really did," he said, still not meeting the redhead's gaze. Tala took a huge risk and pulled him flush against him, holding him as tight as he could, feeling the tears wet his collar as Bryan hid his face against his neck.

"I know," he said, his voice cracking as well. "I know you did. His death wasn't your fault. A car crash can happen to anyone, and at least he had you with him. You were his idol, remember? He always looked up to you, and I think he was happy you were with him." He paused and drew a deep breath. "It's been three years, Bryan. Kai has been dead for three years. As much as we all loved him, he's gone, ok? You have to forgive yourself. Even if the doctors had gotten there sooner, he wouldn't have made it. His death was never your fault. I have never blamed you. Spencer has never blamed you, nor has Ian. You're the only one placing any blame on yourself."

"I don't know how to forgive myself, Tal," Bryan whispered hoarsely.

"Neither do I," Tala said with an almost desperate little chuckle in the midst of the tears. "But we can learn together. If you just come home with me."

"Not unless you tell me why you really came. I can't go back if you're only here 'cause you're feeling guilty."

"Bry, stop it with the guilt already. Yeah, I feel a metric fuckton of guilt, but that's not why I'm here. And it's not because of the letter either. That was just the last push to get me to look for you."

"Why are you here, then?"

"Because of this," Tala said and pressed his lips softly to the other man's. It was a gentle, tender kiss, but he poured as much of the feelings he struggled to put in words into it. When they parted, he said; "Things change. People change. When you kissed me that night, you opened my eyes to something I had missed. I realized something then. Something I should have realized a lot sooner."

"What?"

"That I love you."

"W-what?"

Bryan scarcely believed his ears. Tala sighed and ran his fingers through the soft lilac hair.

"I love you. Now please come home with me."

Xxx xXx xxX

Bryan stood by the window, looking out at the star filled night-sky over Moscow. He felt stiffness in his neck and stretched until it cracked a bit. Damned joints. Damned spine. Damned Boris. He smiled as his eyes made out the first, hesitating, flakes of snow as the fell from the sky. Winter came late this year, but it was sure to be a cold one. Not that he cared much. Soon he'd be away from it all; exchanging the dreadful and blistering cold of winter Russia with the sun and heat of Japan. It had been a joined decision, not one of them wanted another winter here. Too cold for their fucked up bodies.

He fiddled with the dog tag hanging around his muscular neck, and smiled. Bryan had been smiling a lot these past six months. He'd been rather surprised at even remembering how to, but Tala had really left him little choice. If one thought the redhead was a quirky friend, they had no idea that was just the beginning. As a lover, the quirks had no end. But Tal was Tal, and Bryan had to admit that he was happy. It had taken a while to get there, and he still struggled with regrets and guilt, and he still missed Kai so much it physically hurt – but now at least he knew he could face every new day coming at him. He looked at the tag as it reflected the scarce light from outside. It was Tala's tag, given to him a month ago – instead of rings, as the redhead had laughingly said. No, they weren't the ring type either of them, and he had to admit to himself that he rather liked the sight of his own tag hanging around Tala's gorgeous pale neck. Not that he'd ever say that around people, it'd make him look like a lovesick fool.

A sound was heard from behind; a rustling of fabrics and soft steps approaching. In the past, he would have turned and punched first, then asked who it was. Now he just stood there, pretending he didn't hear it until a pair of smooth and pale arms wrapped themselves around his chest and he felt Tala's soothing scent as the redhead put his chin on his shoulder after having given it a little kiss. He put his own hands over those of the redhead and leaned his head to rest against his.

"Trouble sleeping again, love?"

There was another thing. Had anyone else on the face of this earth called Bryan 'love' or anything like it, he would've thrown a fit. Tala, on the other hand, meant it. It wasn't just a pet name; it was a small but constant confirmation of his feelings. Bryan shrugged.

"My joints were acting up on me again. Now I know why." He nodded out the window. "Snow's here."

Tala looked out the window, and Bryan could feel his smile. The redhead loved snow and he and Wolborg could spend hours outside if the weather allowed it.

"Whoa!" Tala sighed. "It's gonna be at least a foot worth of it before we go! Awesome."

"Then you better enjoy it," Bryan chuckled. "According to Mr D there's no snow in Japan this year." He went silent for a moment. "You still with me on going? Leave all this behind?"

"Ah, so that's what was keeping you up." Tala released his grip and stood in front of his taller lover and gently stroked his stubbly cheek. "I'm sure. This will still be our house, and we can always spend some time here in the summers. I don't love Russia enough to feel bad about moving away. And besides, it would be a welcome change for my body – and yours. It kills me to see you in pain, you know that. And Spence and Ian's whining is seriously starting to bum me out. I'd get on a plane tomorrow, no probs, to be rid of their bitching."

"I agree," Bryan chuckled and closed the redhead in a tight embrace. Tala snuggled closer and nuzzled the scarred skin on his chest. "Sorry I woke you up."

"Nah, no biggie." A yawn escaped him and he reached up and gave Bryan a gentle kiss. "Wanna come back to bed?"

"Yeah. I could do with some sleep."

When they'd gotten comfortable under their thick comforters and Tala put his head on Bryans shoulder and an arm around his waist, the larger man kissed his hair.

"I love you, Tal."

"Love you too, Bry."

The redhead smiled as he heard his lover's breath grow even as he sank into deep, peaceful sleep. This was happiness, he thought. This was how it looked. He and Bryan sleeping close together with the snow falling outside. Slowly, he too drifted off to sleep.

The End.

Xxx xXx xxX

Did I just write a Tala/Bryan one-shot? Oh, deary me, I do believe I did! I hope my Tala/Kai fans out there aren't too angry with me now^^

This is an idea that's been floating around in my head for a good while now and I had to do something with it asap or I would've gone crazy. It just wouldn't leave me alone!

So, a bit of angst (ok, a lot of angst), some fluff and some kissing. Not too shabby, I gotta say.

Bryan is my third favourite beyboy, and I just felt like I wanted to explore his personality a bit. I know there's some OOC'ness with his letter, but in this fic Bryan is about twenty-seven. He's a grown up, dealing with grown up problems. Also, I've written a few letters in my days, and I've noticed that you tend to write with a cleaner language than you speak, thus the lack of typical Bryanish. Also the emotional tone of the letter is rather unavoidable – this is a confession and a letter of hopes for forgiveness and goodbye all in one. Also, I'm one of those who think there's more to Bryan than meets the eyes. I think there's a lot of depth in him, and also a lot of sadness, that we don't really get to see. So the thought of him harbouring a life-long unrequited and secret love for Tala, and willingly suffering so Tala could be happy really stuck with me.

As for my other stories; AarinFantasy is atm the place to look for them, but if things quiet down around here I might upload some of them here again. There's some editing to do on most of them anyway, so I might as well take the chance now.

As for me, writing time is hard to find. Uni is eating up my life, and I have free time only very rarely. When I can, I try to write on new updates and so on, but now you know why I've been keeping a very low profile around here. I hardly even find time to read fics! But I promise to try and mend my ways by delivering what I can, when I can, and try to figure Aarins text upload out. Technology seems to remain forever my enemy .

I shall now stop this soon to be out of control rant and humbly ask for reviews.