If you recognise it, it's not mine.
Prologue
When Kurt woke up on Monday, he felt awful. He'd been under the weather all weekend, not that it had stopped him from much. Now he slowly shuffled out of his bed, wincing as a fierce headache made itself known. The room swayed slightly as he made his way to the bathroom to begin his moisturising routine. As he looked into the mirror he was struck by how pale he was, even for him. Huge bags under his eyes were the result of the few hour's sleep he'd managed to get. Sighing, Kurt pulled his concealer out.
As he slowly walked to breakfast, gripping the banister tightly for support, he began to wonder if he should go to school today. He had to; today he had a calculus test he couldn't miss and the first solo he'd had for weeks in Glee club. As he sat down at the table his dad cast a worried look over him, but before he could say anything, Finn burst in with an excited shout.
"Pancakes! Mom, you're the best! Hey, have we got any squirty cream?"
Kurt sighed. Finn's loud voice had made his headache worse.
"Or, good morning, as people used to say! And no, you can't have cream at breakfast time." laughed Carole as she flipped a stack of pancakes onto the waiting plates. Finn dived in like a starving dog. Burt followed suit, pausing to peck Carole on the cheek. Kurt cut a small piece and put it in his mouth. As he chewed, he felt bile rising in the back of his throat. Quickly he swallowed, resulting in a coughing fit. Carole looked at him worriedly.
"Kurt, honey, are you ok?"
Kurt coughed a few more times before gulping a glass of water.
"Y-yes, yes. Oh, I just remembered, I've got to meet Mercedes earlier this morning, something about her..erm... assignment. For Glee. Yes. See you later!" he gabbled, rushing to the door. He made out to the lawn before he threw up all over his outfit.
After Kurt cleaned himself up and changed into his spare outfit, he got in his car and drove to school. The sun was shining brightly overhead but he felt freezing. His headache had gotten worse and his stomach and throat ached after throwing up. As he parked his car, he saw a couple of jocks approaching. They seemed empty handed, until a bright red slushy flew into his face. His reflexes seemed to be working slower than normal, and it was stinging his eyes. The jocks walked by laughing. The rest of the day passed in a blur of cold, pain and dizziness. By the time Glee came around, Kurt could barely stand. He collapsed into his chair. Blaine and Mercedes came in together, laughing about something. Kurt sat up.
'Look normal,' he thought.
Mercedes flopped down next to him.
"Hey, Kurt, you will never guess what happened in Biology!"
Kurt tried to look interested.
"Well, Mr Spencer came in wearing this weird bow tie, it had embroidery or something on, and of course Blainers here only stood up and complimented him-"
"Hey, I just asked where he got it!"
Kurt laughed faintly. Blaine looked closely at him.
"Hey, Kurt, are you alright?" he said, shuffling closer to the pale boy.
"I'm fine. Just a bit tired. Finn was playing his video games till god knows when, and you know..."
Mercedes patted his shoulder, before pulling her hand away.
"Hey, your shoulder's all sticky. Did you get slushied?"
Kurt nodded.
"But you've been wearing these clothes all day. Didn't you have a spare?"
Kurt shrugged, not trusting his voice not to wobble if he spoke.
"Never mind," Blaine said, taking Kurt's hand. "It'll wash off."
Rachel was standing at the front of the room, ready for her performance.
"Mr Schue, I know the assignment was for a song which we can relate to, so I've-"
"Great, Rachel. Why don't you start?"
The music started for Adele's
'To make you feel my love.'
"When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case"
Kurt tuned out. Of course, Rachel had disregarded the whole point of the assignment, which was actually to show how they had been affected in a way similar to the song, in favour of singing her love to Finn. Again. In the meantime, his headache was getting worse. He felt like a thousand knives were twisting in his stomach.
"To make you feel my love!"
Rachel ended on a ear-splittingly high note. As she returned to her seat, Schue called Kurt up.
"Ok, my song is called...I mean, this song is by David Bowie, it's called Heroes." There were murmurs of recognition here and there.
"It kind of sounds like it's about wars heroes, but not the army sort. When the Berlin Wall was built in Germany, it separated a couple. A boy and a girl," he added hastily, seeing Santana open her mouth.
"Anyway, they wanted to meet up again, however they could. The only place they could was in between the two sides. So they met up, and... Well, this was forbidden so they were both killed. Shot. I can identify with it because it's a bit like the way I got bullied, Blaine got bullied, thousands of kids get bullied, just because someone thought they shouldn't love who they do. So, here it is." He saw Mr Schue nodding in approval, Blaine smiling with heartfelt love, giving him the strength to begin.
A guitar intro started. Kurt leant against the piano for support,the world swaying again.
"I... I will be king
And you, you will be queen
For nothing, will drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day"
His stomach was churning again, but he had to finish. Mercedes mouthed "You okay?" to him. He nodded to her. Unconciously, he gripped the piano more tightly. His voice rose, full of defiance against anyone who ever tried to stop him.
"Though nothing,
nothing will keep us together
We can beat them
For ever and ever
We can be heroes
Just for one day."
Oh god. His head felt like it was going to break any moment.
"I... I remember..."
Kurt didn't notice that he'd stopped singing, the band trailing off. He didn't notice Blaine leaping towards him. He didn't notice as he began to fall. He didn't notice Blaine trying to catch him as he collapsed. He didn't notice as his head thunked against the piano, then the floor. All Kurt knew was darkness as finally, he gave up the battle to stay conscious.
:Blaine POV:
I had to blink back tears as Kurt explained why he chose the song. That's one of the things I love about him, the way he's so determined to fight for his rights. I'd heard the song before, and I hadn't ever pictured Kurt singing it. But it suited him perfectly somehow. As he leant against the piano, Mercedes whispered to me.
"Is it just me, or does something look off with my boy?"
I studied Kurt. His face was pale, paler than usual. He was wearing sticky, stained clothes and when I'd taken his hand earlier, it was trembling.
"Yeah. Is he sick, do you think?"
"Kurt doesn't get sick."
That's true, as far as I know. As Kurt begins to sing a new verse, I noticed his eyes, those beautiful eyes I could watch for ever, glaze over.
"Get Schuester" I hissed urgently at Mercedes.
"Blaine, what's happen-"
I leapt out of my seat. Everything seemed in slow motion. As I raced over to Kurt, he began to collapse to the floor. Desperately, I reached out my arms, trying to catch him before he fell, but his head bashed off the piano with a sickening crash.
Some of the girls screamed.
Mr Schue came over with Mercedes, who had tears in her eyes. As I gently lifted Kurt's head onto my lap, I realised just how ill he was. He was shivering all over, but his skin was boiling hot. Finn rushed over with his phone out.
"Crap, what's wrong with him! Should I call an ambulance or something?" I took my hand away to find it smeared with blood. A spreading patch on my jeans looked really bad. Kurt was bleeding. A lot. I knew that head wounds do bleed a lot but this looked dangerous. I took a deep breath.
"Yeah, Finn. I think you should call an ambulance. Tell them to hurry. I...I think that Kurt's pretty bad."
Mr Schue was on the phone to what sounded like Carole.
"Has he been odd, at all?"
"Well, he seems really very sick-"
"He collapsed, hitting his head. No, he's not conscious, he's bleeding a lot."
"Yes, Finn's phoning for one now."
"Okay. Great. Thanks."
He walked over.
"Kurt's stepmother says that we should try to lift his head, and stop the bleeding until the ambulance gets here."
Kurt shifted in my lap, whimpering in pain. Carefully, I scooped him up as lightly as I could. God, he weighs hardly anything. I walked back over to the chairs, cradling my unconscious boyfriend in my arms. The rest of the Glee club had all tactfully left, though I hadn't noticed them go. It was just me, Mercedes, Finn and Mr Schue, who was going outside to wait for the ambulance. Finn gave the phone to Mercedes, and knelt down by Kurt's side. He handed a cushion to me, which I rested his head on.
"Is..is he going to be ok?"
"I don't know, Finn. He doesn't look that good, to be honest. He's losing a lot of blood. The ambulance will be here soon though, right?"
Finn nodded dumbly. I heaved a shaking sigh. I know I need to be strong for Kurt but I'm so scared that I'll lose the one person who matters the most to me.
"I...I love him. And he...he's my world," I choke out. Finn awkwardly pats my arm.
"You know Kurt's tough, dude. He'll pull through. Sure, he might have to go to hospital and-" He stops.
"Mercedes! Blaine's kinda freaking out here, and I really don't like the amount of blood on that pillow now."
Mercedes hands the phone back to Finn and comes to my side. We stare at Kurt, lying so still. He looks so young.
"Hey, Blaine? I don't wanna freak you out, but the ambulance can't get here for nearly half an hour." Finn's words fill me with fresh fear. How long has it been since Kurt collapsed? Ten, fifteen minutes? I come to a decision.
"Finn, tell the ambulance not to bother. I'll drive him."
Out in the car park, we see Mr Schue and the rest of the Glee kids looking out for the ambulance. We go to my car. Mercedes drives, while I sit in the back with Kurt on my lap. Finn rolls down the window and explains to Mr Schue, saying that Burt and Carole are going to meet us at the hospital. The others crowd round, gasping when they see Kurt cradled unconscious in my arms, me bloodstained.
"God, Kurt!"
"Jeez, Hummel, you look like crap"
"Woah, Porcelain"
"Santana, are the dolphins going to be okay?"
"I can see why rehearsal had to be temporarily paused now"
"Has he not woken up yet?"
"Blaine? Are you alright?"
"Blaine?"
The onslaught of questions and comments are too much. I'm already stretched to breaking point. As Finn dials Burt's number before handing the phone to me, I think I'm about to lose it.
"Finn?"
"It's Blaine, sir."
"Why have you got Finn's phone? Is something wrong?"
"Y-yes. Yes, sir. It..it's Kurt." I hear his intake of breath. When he speaks again, there's a new urgency to his voice.
"What happened?"
"He...he collapsed. In Glee. He was just singing and then... He hit his head."
"How bad?"
"H-he's still unconscious."
"Which hospital?"
"L-Lima Memorial, but-" He hangs up. And that's when I drop the pretence. Dapper, calm, collected Blaine vanishes, and I clutch Kurt to my chest, pressing kisses and tears into his hair.
"K-k-kurt, w-wake up, please! I...I need you to wake up, please!"
I loseq it completely. It's just me and Kurt, lying in my arms so still and pale. I'm sobbing all these things about how I need him, love him, couldn't live without him.
Then, he moves. And I clutch him tighter.
"B-blaine?" He's awake, that's his voice, thin and weak but it's him, he's alive, so why am I still crying?
"Hey, shh, shh, it's alright, Blaine."
Finn and Mercedes keep quiet, aside from saying "We're about five minutes away."
Kurt ignores them, pushing himself up onto his elbows. I reach out and support his back. He winces, but leans back into me. I'm beginning to calm down, so he reaches up, caressing my face.
"What's wrong, Blaine?"
"Y-you were unconscious and shaking and blood and IthoughtIwasgoingtoloseyouand-"
Kurt laughs, but it turns into a groan as his head brushes against the window.
"Hey, I'm fine now, though. See?"
"Kurt, we're taking you to the hospital. You collapsed in Glee, hit your head pretty hard, you've been unconscious for about twenty minutes. We were pretty scared, white boy," Mercedes explains. Kurt slumps against me, too tired to protest. Then he jerks up again.
"Kurt? What's wrong?"
"Your legs, Blaine, they're covered in blood! Are you hurt?"
"Kurt, it... it's your blood. You've been bleeding, your head..."
His hand instantly flys to the matted patch of hair, and gasps in pain.
"Blaine?"
"Yes, Kurt?"
"Can you...can you look? Tell me how bad it is?" His voice is splintered with pain. I tentatively reach up to his head. The beautiful brown hair is stained and matted. Carefully I part it, and the sight is so horrible I grip Kurt's hand before gently lifting more hair. The whole cut is about three inches long, and very deep. Kurt sways in my arms, the colour draining from his face.
"Kurt? Kurt!" Mercedes parks the car in the hospital parking lot, dragging the door open. Finn races ahead to tell them we've arrived. I carefully lift Kurt out. He's gone very pale. Mercedes talks to him.
"Hey, Kurt, don't go to sleep. You might have a concussion, and we're nearly there. Kurt?" His eyes roll back in his head. I walk faster, shifting my hand to his wrist to try and take his pulse. It's there, but very, very faint. Finn and a petite nurse come running out pushing a wheelchair. They pull Kurt from my arms. I try to hold on to him but the nurse is surprisingly strong. Then she takes him away, leaving me bloodstained and shaking. Mercedes takes my arm, and I cling to her like a lifeboat. Finn's telling me we should go and follow him in, but I can't move. Kurt's limp body is engrained in my thoughts.
"Blaine? Finn? Mercedes?" It's Burt, Carole close behind.
"Where's Kurt?"
Finn replies.
"They took him inside. He woke up in the car, but passed out just as we got here. I think Blaine's going into shock, and I kinda don't know how to deal with that."
Burt takes Finn in with him. I want to go too, but my legs won't work. They buckle under me and I slide to the pavement. Carole and Mercedes take my arms and lead me in.
The waiting room is almost empty. Just us five, pacing up and down like caged animals. They took Kurt straight into surgery. Burt says he needed a blood transfusion. They don't know. I can't help thinking that it was my fault, that Kurt collapsed. If I'd noticed how ill he was before he performed, I could have stopped him, and then he wouldn't be in such a critical condition. I'm his boyfriend, I'm supposed to look after him. I'm Blaine, I'm supposed to be calm, dapper, collected. Instead, I'm having a panic attack while my boyfriend has surgery. I would do anything to swap places with him.
The door bangs open, and we are engulfed in a wave of questions. Mr Schue takes Burt and Carole to a corner to talk with them. All the boys converge on Finn. Mercedes is surrounded by the girls. I curl up on a chair and try to pull myself together. Phrases float round me.
"Where's my dolphin?"
"Where's Kurt?"
"Is he okay?"
"He passed out again"
"I'm so sorry"
"Blaine's in shock"
"Blaine? Blaine, are you okay? Oh, god. Someone help!"
Someone comes and sits next to me, and I reach out to them. I give up on holding back the tears, before I remember. To them, I'm Dapper Blaine, not this Blaine. Mike calls for someone to help after I begin hyperventilating. Quinn comes over, while Mike leaves, a bit freaked out.
"Hey, Blaine," her voice sounds so soft and kind, I curl up against her. Softly, gently she rubs my back as I sob. She hums quietly. I don't recognise the song. It's nice. Calming. Slowly, I begin to come back.
"There we go. What are you so worried about?"
I could say anything, and everything.
"K-kurt."
"Oh, I know, Blaine. We're all worried about Kurt."
"I-it's my f-fault. I didn't n-notice he was s-so ill and then he collapsed and hit his head and he was bleeding so much and then he...he-"
"Ssh Blaine. All of us should have noticed. But crying won't fix it, now, will it?"
It won't fix Kurt, but it's helping me. So's Quinn. She's actually really good at this comfort stuff. Mother instinct, I guess.
"Now then, how about you go and wash your face and I'll ask how Kurt's doing."
I go to the little washbasin and splash cold water on my face. When I turn round, Burt's there.
"Hey, kiddo. You alright?"
I shrug.
"Well, Kurt's out of surgery. They aren't letting anyone in for a few hours, but you can stick around with me and Carole and Finn, if you like."
"Yes, if that's alright."
"Do you want to call your parents?"
Yeah. That won't matter. They wouldn't care.
"They're away, some work thing. Cooper's doing acting so I'm on my own."
I see the shock, anger and sympathy cross his face.
"You can stay with us until they get back, okay?"
"Thank you, sir."
"Burt. Call me Burt."
"Thanks...Burt."
It's nearly ten at night. Visiting hours are long over, so we drive back to the 'Hudmels'. They offered me Kurt's bed but I refused. It wouldn't feel right. So they put a mattress in Finn's room instead. Neither of us sleep.
The next morning, we go straight to the hospital. When we ask to see Kurt, we're told 'family only'. I turn to the waiting room, tears pricking at my eyes, but then I hear Burt saying "Come on Blaine, don't you want to see your brother?" and the receptionist writes us all down as Hummel.
At the door to Kurt's room, I hang back, while Carole and Burt go in. Finn joins them a bit later. After about twenty minutes, they come out, gesturing for me to go in on my own. I push the door open and there he is, lying there. He could be sleeping, aside from the the various things hooked round him. Before I can stop myself, I rush to the side of his bed. I take his hand, tears spilling from my eyes.
"Kurt, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were so ill. I wish they'd find out what it is, so that you can laugh at me and sing and smile again. Please, wake up. Burt needs you. Carole needs you. Finn needs you. Glee needs you. Kurt... I need you. I love you, so much. It's killing me to see you lie there, unconscious."
Gently, I place a kiss onto his lips. They are dry and warm, too warm. I squeeze his hand as a goodbye. As I turn to go, I hear a noise. Not the whirr of the machines. It sounded like my name...almost. Again, a mumble.
"Don' go. Blaine..."
I'm back by the bed in a second.
"Kurt? Come on, talk to me, you can do it," I plead. I lift his hand to my lips, brushing a kiss on each finger.
"Blaine?" The groggy voice sounds so beautiful.
"Yes, Kurt. I'm here."
"Where am I?"
"Lima Memorial Hospital. You were brought here after you collapsed, twice."
"Tired... My head hurts. What happened?"
"You cut it, badly when you fell. You bled a lot."
"Blaine... Feel sick." I spin round, grabbing the trashcan and sitting Kurt up, so he can breathe. Kurt retches a few times before vomiting up yesterday's lunch. After a few minutes he's dry-heaving.
"Ok. Finished."
"Okay, Kurt. Shall I leave?"
"No... sing?"
"Okay." I go through a little list in my mind of songs, trying to find a suitable tune.
"Before you met me, I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every-"
I break off as I see Kurt's head flop backwards, crashing against the back of the bedframe. Blood begins to seep through the clean white bandages, and Kurt has gone a pale green, trembling. I hit the call button, before grabbing Kurt's hand, stroking it gently. Burt bursts in and takes Kurt's other hand.
"Hey, hey buddy, calm down, yeah?"
"Kurt, ssh, it's alright, ssh, we're here"
But he doesn't reply, unconsciously ignoring us.
The nurse comes in and checks Kurt's machines. As soon as I let go of Kurt's hand, I'm running away, down hallways, up stairs. I end up near a huge window, looking down into the car park. I remember how I was before my boyfriend became so ill. I'd spent the weekend working on my song choice, I was so excited to show Kurt. Then he was singing and it was beautiful, as always. But then all this happened, and I don't even know what's happening. Oh god, what if he dies? Head injuries are bad. Sudden fainting is bad. I don't even know if it's life threatening or not. I'm such a bad boyfriend. I didn't even wait to find out if he was alright.
"Blaine! Hey, Blaine! Mom's worried about you!"
It's Finn. Of course.
"Oh, there you are. Why'd you run off, dude? Kurt was really freaked out, he thought that you were scared of him."
Kurt thought I was scared of him. The thought hits me like a ton of bricks.
"What did he say?" I ask, my eyes filling with tears.
"Uhh, he was crying when I came to find you. I'm not sure, but he's kind of weird on meds so he..."
Suddenly, I'm very worried.
"What did he think?"
"Uhhh... thatyoudon'tlovehimanymore"
I slide down the wall to the floor, tears running down my face. I knew that Kurt could be dramatic, and I know that he's probably on several different medications but I never thought that we could ever believe that of the other. I never would.
"I would never break up with him. Ever."
Finn shuffles from foot to foot.
"So, you still love him?"
I nod, wiping my eyes.
"I always will, no matter what happens."
"Then...you'd better come and tell him that! Race you down the stairs!"
I grin and charge after him, only to be met halfway by him jogging in the other direction.
"Other way!" he pants.
We eventually arrive outside Kurt's room. From outside the door, I can hear sniffling and my heart twists.
"He wanted to be left alone." Finn explains. So I push open the door. I mean to creep in an apologetic manner, but three steps and I run straight for the bed. Kurt gasps as I land with a bounce, but I don't notice. I hug him tightly, being careful not to hurt him.
"I am so, so sorry, I just got really frightened. Not of you, I was scared that you were dangerously ill or something. I would never break up with you, Kurt. I love you, and I always will. I can't imagine life without you. I've been so terrified that I was going to lose you. Ask Finn, or Mercedes, or Quinn. Just, please. Forgive me. Not just for this. For not stopping you from performing when you were sick, maybe then this wouldn't have happened."
I release Kurt. A few seconds later he bursts into tears.
"Oh my god, did I hurt you?" I gently pat round his shoulders, pulling him into an embrace.
"Kurt? What's up?" He sniffs, wiping his eyes.
"I... I just never had anyone say that to me before. That they were frightened for me. And this is not your fault. It's mine, for exerting myself too much."
I cup his face in my hands.
"Just, don't ever scare me like that again."
Epilogue
"Welcome back, Kurt!" called Quinn.
A cheer went up from the Glee club as Kurt and Blaine walked into the choir room hand in hand. Kurt was fully recovered after a week in hospital and a week off school. The Glee club had decided to postpone the rest of the performances til Kurt came back, so the lesson started with Kurt finishing his rendition of Heroes. A lot of the Glee club sang with emotion, Puck about letting people down, Tina about shyness, and Blaine...
"I'm singing about help. Let it be, by The Beatles. Even if your 'Mother Mary' isn't anyone you'd instantly think of, they really do help. Thanks, Finn." Everyone turned to look at the tall teen in confusion, and Kurt wondered what he meant too.
"When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Whispering words of wisdom
Let it be"
Finn smiled as he figured out what Blaine meant.
"He freaked out when Kurt was in hospital, and Mom made me go find him," he whispered loudly.
"When the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree"
Kurt smiled through a sheen of tears as his boyfriend sang. Yes, he could let it be. What's done is done, and Kurt would put it behind him. Blaine, it seemed, already had, as his voice filled the room.
"Let it be, yeah, let it be
Oh, there will be an answer
Let it be."
:notes:
Songs-
Adele- To Make You Feel My Love
David Bowie- Heroes
Katy Perry- Teenage Dream
Beatles- Let it be