I can't believe it's been a year, but here we go. It's again March 20, which means that today is the Monkey Fist Appreciation Day. To celebrate, I'm starting this story. There will be thirty of these short stories in total, and I will be posting them five at a time.
There is no continuous plot or theme in here. All of these stories are entirely random, have nothing to do with each other and play with contradicting elements. One story might be about Monty getting Amy a birthday present while the next one shows him kill her. There are only a few occasions when two stories are connected, and I will point it out in these cases. For example, the first two in this chapter are linked.
The titles for the stories come from a Livejournal writing prompt that I gave a try. The community is called un_love_you in case someone wants to take the same challenge.
ME MONTY, YOU AMY
001-005
001: You were right about me
"When will you get it that I do not and will never love you, you stupid woman?"
It was two weeks now since her Monty-wonty had yelled those horrible words at her. Amy didn't know why they had struck her so much this time. He had been using similar excuses to slip away from her company ever since she had made her feelings known to him. This time something had just clicked.
She rolled to her other side, but the change of position offered her no comfort. The Pandaroo in her arms, though a dear friend, didn't make her feel at all better. She could only lie on her bed and think about the past and what she had done.
She had fallen in love with him as soon as she had first laid her eyes on him. He had been so handsome and charming when he had approached her about her research. He had shared her excitement about genetic mutations and they had had such a great time planning his procedure. She had thought she had finally found her soul mate, someone who understood her perfectly and liked her for who she was.
Maybe she had only imagined it, or maybe he had led her on on purpose to make sure she finished their project. Either way, she had been convinced that they were meant to be. It just couldn't be any other way.
Amy sniffed as she buried her face into her pillow. She had been too struck by his words to try to say anything to him, to explain herself or ask him to reconsider. She had only stood there and watched how he turned his back on her and walked away after his rant. Then she had returned home, and she hadn't called him a single time after that. He hadn't called her either, no matter how much she wished he would.
"Are you incapable of understanding basic English? Give up! Go bother someone else!"
How could he say those things to her? Didn't he realise how much she loved him? That he was the most important person in her life and that she would give anything to be with him?
Maybe that was the problem. Amy loved him so much that she had assumed he felt the same for her, so she hadn't asked him what he wanted. She had just kept chasing him around the world and surprising him every chance she got. She had thought he liked it but that he was just too embarrassed to admit it.
I should have probably been more considerate, she thought. Her love had been too consuming and aggressive. All those times he had rejected her had been whirling back and forth in her mind for these past weeks, and she had come to the realisation that he had actually been trying to push her away but she hadn't got it. Silly, but it had really taken her this long to get it.
She had been so stupid. No wonder he had grown annoyed with her.
"Just leave me alone! I don't want to see you ever again in my life!"
It was too late to fix the damage now. Amy could feel it when she thought back to his cold eyes and how he had glared at her with utter contempt and frustration. He would never love her. He would only hate her.
She didn't know what time it was when she woke up, only that it was still dark. At first it took her groggy mind some time to realise why she had woken up in the first place, but then she felt the warm tongue against her hand.
"Lucy!" she exclaimed as she recognised her little dog and lobster hybrid. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
Amy turned on the lamp on the nightstand and took a look at the dogster. The animal nuzzled against her hand and let out a whine. Amy picked her up in her hands and took a careful look, fearing that her cute pet was sick. When nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, she put Lucy back on the bed.
"Do you need something?" she asked.
Lucy jumped on the floor and scurried out of the room. She stopped at the door to glance behind her to make sure that she had Amy's attention.
Frowning to herself, Amy put on her slippers and followed the dogster out of her bedroom. She was led to the kitchen, and when she switched on the light, she saw Lucy poking her empty food bowl with her snout.
"Oh, you poor thing! I forgot to feed you!" she exclaimed and rushed to the counter to pick up the can of dog food. She dumped half of the contents into Lucy's bowl and watched how the creature dug into her breakfast like she had never seen food before in her life.
Amy couldn't believe that she had forgotten to take proper care of her pet. She had never failed to do that in her life for her creatures were the most precious thing she had. They were all her friends. They were probably the only beings in the world that loved her as unconditionally as she loved them.
She made herself some lemon tea with cookies and sat at the table. For a while she only watched Lucy eat, but then she turned her eyes to the mug in her hands.
"This is going too far," she muttered. If she forgot to feed her lovely Lucy, it meant that her priorities were all wrong. Just because of that man. He had hurt her and made her forget about her friends.
"That… that big meanie!" she swore, but she couldn't stay angry at him. As much as she hated to admit it, he had a point. She had driven him to that angry rant. If she had been a little less aggressive and a little more open to what he thought and felt, maybe none of this would have ever happened.
"Maybe I was the meanie this time," she said to Lucy. The dogster gave no indication that she agreed or disagreed, but she looked up at her owner with eyes filled with adoration. At least Lucy would never leave her.
The more she thought about the countless times she had jumped at Monty, declared her love for him, grabbed him into her arms and ignored his loud protests, the worse she felt about herself. She really had been tactless, and she couldn't blame him for starting to hate her. She should have remembered how grumpy he always was and that he wouldn't like the same things she did.
Amy picked Lucy up and let the dogster rest on her knees. She released an unhappy sigh as she stroked the creature between the ears.
She still loved him, but she didn't think she would be able to make things right again. Monty was always so stubborn and got fixated on things. He would probably hate her forever. The mere idea made her feel miserable and she could barely hold back sob, but she didn't want to start crying again.
Lucy nuzzled closer against her, as if sensing her owner's grief. It made Amy feel just a tad better, and she smiled gratefully at her pet.
"Aww, thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you," she cooed.
Would she ever fall in love again if she couldn't have Monty? Would anybody like her after the embarrassing spectacle she had made of herself and the horror stories Monty had to have told about her? Would Monty have liked her if she had been acting differently?
The thought made her frown. Though her actions had been a little over the top, she had meant everything she had said. It didn't feel right that she would have to censor or change herself just to please one stupid, stubborn man. If he didn't like her the way she was, what was the point? She didn't want a relationship without cuddling or kisses.
Maybe they just weren't meant to be.
002: I was wrong about you
Monkey Fist hadn't wanted to come to this villain convention. He was certain that DNAmy was lurking behind some corner, ready to grab his arm and pull him into a bone-crushing hug and declare her never-ending love to him so that half of the villains present would hear the embarrassing gushing before he managed to get free and run away.
There were only two things that had finally changed his mind and made him come. First of all, he was in a dire need of money. When he had spent his family fortune on the mutation on his hands and feet, he had assumed that he would just need the four statues and that the world would be his. He hadn't counted on that he'd have to keep fighting for the title of the Ultimate Monkey Master or that it would cost so much to own lairs and fly all over the world in search of ancient artefacts. To finance that, he sometimes accepted odd jobs from other villains and shady characters. There were certainly enough people in the world willing to pay for the services of a ninja who had little to no morals.
The second reason was Amy, which was a little ironic since she was also the reason why he had wanted to stay away. It was now about four months since he had blown up at her face and told her exactly how he felt about her and her antics. He felt he had finally had some success because she had only stared at her like she was a sick puppy that he had just kicked. She had said nothing and hadn't run after him once he had left.
He had kept his phone off for the first two weeks after that, suspecting that she would ring him every hour to say how much she loved him. He had still expected that when he had turned his phone on, but there had been no word from her.
After half a week, he hadn't been able stop wondering why she wasn't annoying him anymore. He had spent an entire day online searching for Cuddle Buddy conventions and meetings that might have distracted her.
He had left the hideout in the Amazon and returned to the castle, thinking that maybe she didn't know where he was and would try to reach him at his home. As annoying as she was, he had wanted to make sure she did no damage, such as redecorating, to the ancestral home during his absence.
The castle had been just as empty and cold as when he had last been there. There were no letters, phone calls or e-mails for him.
She must be getting tricky, he had thought to himself. Maybe she was actually taking some distance in order to fool him into feeling secure. Then she would strike at full force when his defences were down.
That had to be it.
He had told his monkey ninjas to keep constant watch over the castle grounds. Now that he finally had a break from Amy, it was the perfect opportunity to get some research done. He had some ancient scrolls that he was dying to translate, but he had been unable to concentrate while he had been running away from her.
It was just too bad that he couldn't concentrate now either. It was too quiet. He hadn't been able to stop thinking that it was the calm before the storm, and he had kept obsessing over what Amy would do when she assaulted him again. He had thought back to the previous times and tried to see if there was any sort of pattern. He had put his research aside to read some of her love letters – those that he hadn't had the time to burn because he had fled the castle in such a hurry – because there might a clue there.
Nothing. Amy's letters and e-mails and pictures had been just as reluctant to reveal their secrets as the woman herself.
After a month he had sometimes found himself gazing out the high windows, wondering if she was out there.
When two months had passed, Monkey Fist had felt severely tempted to ring her with some lame excuse just to find out what she was doing.
After three months of complete silence from her end, he had found himself wondering if he couldn't accidentally run into her so that he could find out what she was planning. He had tried to keep himself busy with his work and martial arts training, but it was impossible to do anything properly when he kept thinking about Amy.
Then he had heard about the villain convention. She would have to be there; she always went to every social gathering that would let her in. He had been a little worried about seeing her again after such a long silence – this was exactly what he had wanted, right? – but he had decided that it was for the best to just confront her and find out what her plan was. She had to have a massive trap prepared for him if it had taken this long to get it done.
So there he was, sitting at a table at the snack bar, nursing a cup of tea and keeping an eye on the other customers. So far there had been no sign of her, but he knew she would show up either when she got hungry or when someone told her that he was there. So far he had talked to Drakken, Dementor and that idiot Frugal Lugre. They all had such big mouths that soon enough Amy would hear about him.
An hour passed without anything happening. He got another cup of tea. It was surprisingly good for a little cafeteria like this. He had a brief chat with Shego who was fetching Drakken some chocolate muffins because she was tired of listening to him whine about that he was hungry, but most of the time he just sat alone with his thoughts.
She would have to show up soon, and then he could see the end of this frustrating uncertainty and tension that was bothering him. He could finally tell her to leave him alone again.
After some more time, he heard her high-pitched giggle behind his back. He didn't turn to look at the entrance because he wanted to pretend that he hadn't noticed her. She'd surely notice him anyway.
"Oh, look! That's Monty!" she exclaimed. She wasn't alone.
"Maybe we should go somewhere else," her companion suggested in a gruff voice.
Killigan! Monkey Fist nearly turned around to see this odd pair, but he had just about enough self-control to appear as if he hadn't heard anything. It sounded like Killigan and Amy had come here on purpose and together. He hadn't known they were friends.
"Don't be silly. I'll just say hello. You can go ahead if you want to," Amy said.
"I'm not leaving ye alone with him. I'll wait here," Killigan said.
Amy laughed. "Oh, my big, buff knight in shining armor, eh? Don't worry; I'll be back soon," she said.
Monkey Fist pretended to be surprised when Amy skipped over to his table and took a seat without waiting for an invitation. He frowned at her, just like he had done countless times before, but now it was also partly because he was confused. Something was off here.
"What do you want?" he asked.
Amy was smiling at him, but she looked different. Her eyes were not shining with unquestionable adoration; she didn't look like she could barely stop herself from jumping at him, and she didn't try to reach over the table to take his hand. He now felt annoyed that he had even placed it there.
"You just haven't changed at all, have you, cutie?" she asked.
"What?" he asked, surprised by her question.
"But that's alright. I understand. Don't worry; I won't bother you for long. I think Duffie out there is getting impatient." Amy leaned closer and whispered to him, "I think he's jealous."
"What?" Monkey Fist asked again.
Amy, entirely oblivious to his confusion, continued, "Actually I want to apologize to you and thank you. I'm sorry I bugged you like that. It was so mean of me to act in such a way and throw myself at you when you weren't interested. And thanks for being honest with me. I don't think I would have ever got to this point if you hadn't."
"What point?" Monkey Fist asked. This wasn't going like he had expected at all!
"Oh, you haven't heard? Duffie and I are dating!" Amy declared.
Monkey Fist felt his jaw fall open. Those two were together? When had that happened? And why? Amy loved him, didn't she? Why would she suddenly get interested in someone like Killigan of all people?
He turned to look over his shoulder. The golfer was standing there at the entrance, glaring suspiciously at the two of them.
Monkey Fist turned back to Amy.
"Oh. That's wonderful," he said lamely.
Amy giggled. "Isn't it? He's such an adorable cutie! And to think that I would have never realised that if you hadn't rejected me so firmly that one time. But don't worry; I'm no longer upset. It was for the best," she said.
"Right," Monkey Fist said, still a little too stunned to form complex sentences.
"But I need to go. Duffie wants to buy me lunch, and I think he wants to go to some other place." Amy said and stood up.
"Bye, Monty!"
He watched how she half-ran to Killigan and how he put a protective arm over her shoulder. She leant closer to give him a kiss on the cheek.
Monkey Fist frowned to himself and wondered why he suddenly didn't feel like finishing his tea.
003: This cancels out the hurt
DNAmy sniffled as she looked up at the petrified form of her love. She hadn't wanted to believe it when Kim and Ron had come to tell her about Monkey Fist's fate. It had taken her almost a week to even consider that it could be true, and she had been filled with doubts and desperate hope all the way to Japan.
She hadn't really believed it until she had dug up the statue and seen him herself. She had needed only one look at his face to realise that, yes, it really was him, and he was gone.
It pained her to look at his features, forever frozen in a silent scream of such horror and fear that she would have given anything if she could have made him feel better. She had tried to touch him, but that had been the first and last time. He was cold and hard against her skin.
She wiped her eyes and wondered what to do now. Her Monty was gone forever.
He would never whisper loving words into her ear.
He would never wrap his arms around her and pull her close.
He would never smile at her.
He would never tell her to leave him alone because he was busy.
He would never hang up on her when she called him.
He would never yell at her.
He would never run away.
The shadow of a thoughtful smile crept on Amy's face. Maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all.
004: I need to want you
No, it couldn't be. It just couldn't be! No!
Monkey Fist released a frustrated shriek and shoved the ancient tome off his desk, not caring about that the covers were torn off and the irreplaceable volume was damaged beyond repair. He grabbed a vase from the table next to him and hurled it at his bookshelf, relishing in the sound of it crashing into dozens of pieces and scattering all over the floor.
"It can't be! I refuse to accept this!" he raged and dashed over to the bookshelf, walking over the destroyed vase and not even noticing how the broken pieces dug into the bare skin of his mutated feet and made him bleed. He tore down volume after volume from the shelf, randomly opening them and browsing through pages without really reading any of them. He had memorised most of the passages, and he knew that there was nothing that could help him. He just couldn't stop looking because he simply could not accept the horrible truth that was staring him face to face.
When there were no more books on the shelf, he collapsed on top of the pile of tomes like a ragdoll. His breathing was laboured and desperate, like he was in so much pain that it was difficult to get enough air into his lungs.
He couldn't believe this. It was too cruel to be true.
Monkey Fist could still remember the utter relief and triumph that had followed when he had realised that someone had brought him back from his stone state. He hadn't exactly been conscious as a statue, but he had somehow been aware of what had happened to him, like he had been drifting in and out of an endless, dark dream. The sensation of simply being able to see, move and breathe again had been exhilarating, and he had felt like he was the happiest man in the world. He had had no idea what would quickly follow.
He hadn't noticed it at first. He had been too busy trying to avoid Amy and to attack Stoppable. He still didn't know all the details, but somehow Amy had managed to convince Team Possible to help her to bring him back. According to Amy, it was because they had seen that their love was meant to be, but Monkey Fist suspected Kim and Ron had just grown tired of her bugging them all the time. He certainly had enough experience with that.
He didn't really know how they had done it, but Yamanouchi and Sensei had been involved. And that horrible little baby who had ruined his life. Under other circumstances, Monkey Fist might have been fascinated by the ritual and done extensive research on it, but he didn't care about that anymore.
Whatever the spell had been like, it had done more than just released him from the stone curse of the Yono. It had also sucked him dry of Mystical Monkey Power.
Once he had recovered enough to realise this, he had spent a great deal of time and effort wailing about it and cursing everyone who had been involved. He had trashed everything he had got his hands on, screeched at Amy and tried to choke Ron, which had been a fruitless effort since the boy had now mastered the use of Mystical Monkey Power. He had promptly thrown him into the corner and told him that he should just be grateful they had even bothered to bring back someone like him.
Some more screaming and two broken ribs later he had calmed down long enough to decide that he would never give up. Never.
He had read through every book and scroll he owned, desperately trying to find a way to fix things. There had to be a way to get Mystical Monkey Power without the four jade statues. There had to be a way to steal the power from Ron who didn't deserve it in the first place.
He knew there wasn't. It pained him to admit it, but his vast library and years of studying Mystical Monkey Power couldn't help him. The power had been taken from him when he had got his life back, and there was nothing he could do about that.
He shuddered as another fresh wave of hatred washed over him, making him feel like someone else was suddenly in control of his body. "That pretender! I hate him!" he declared to the empty castle and jumped to his feet.
He didn't see where he was going nor did he care. He simply had to do something to burn the fiery hatred that he felt for Ron Stoppable. How dare that pathetic fool take what was meant to be his? How dare he then expect gratitude for what he had done? He had no right!
Monkey Fist grabbed the first object that he could get his hands on, it being a small chair, and hurled it away. One of the tall windows in the lounge was shattered as the chair flew outside; shards spread all over the floor.
"I hate him! I hate him!"
He didn't care about anything anymore. He tore down paintings and threw them away; he ripped the pictures he had once valued so much into shreds until his fingers were bleeding, but that didn't stop him. He pushed down every bookshelf and ripped off every page in every book. He destroyed every vase, every statue and every artefact. He shattered all the windows.
When there was nothing else left, he collapsed on the cold stone floor. He felt like he could barely breathe, and maybe some part of him thought that it would have been better if he had stopped altogether.
They should have never brought him back. He couldn't live without Mystical Monkey Power. He didn't want to.
What else was there for him? His career was in ruins. His family fortune was gone. His social status was non-existent. His family and friends, as few as they were, hated him. He could no longer communicate with his monkey ninjas. All he had left was a massive criminal record and too many broken dreams. Nobody in the world would care if he died.
Well, with the exception of one person.
Monkey Fist tried to find it in himself to feel hate or disgust at DNAmy, but he no longer had any strength for that. It didn't matter. Having her run after him was nothing but a minor annoyance now.
The floor sent a chill through him, and he realised that he should have got up. The big fireplaces of the castle hadn't been properly used in months, so the old heap of stones was frozen to its core. He would catch a cold if he stayed there.
He didn't know how long he lied on the floor. It got dark at some point, but he didn't really pay attention since he felt too tired to keep his eyes open. He wished he could sink back to the oblivion of being a stone statue. Then he wouldn't constantly have to think about what he had lost and how his life no longer held any meaning for him.
He could have ended it right there, he realised. The castle was filled with weapons and he was sure he had some poison stashed somewhere as well. It would have been a fitting end for him; dying all alone in his castle, unnoticed and unmissed by anyone because he had driven everyone away in his quest for power and hadn't benefited from it at all.
Maybe he should just get up and be done with it. The sooner the better.
Monkey Fist opened his eyes. It was night, but moonlight was pouring in through the broken windows, casting everything in silvery light that enabled him to see before him. He sat up, groaning at the stiffness and ache in his muscles. How long had he been there?
He got to his feet and regarded the room with a hard look before he went to pick up a piece of a broken window. It was long and sharp, almost like a knife. He fingered the sharp tip. He would need only one deep slice at his throat and that would be it.
Monkey Fist hesitated. He knew it was pointless; there was no reason for him to go on. It would be for the best if he just ended his miserable existence right now.
The shard or glass was almost too smooth against his skin for him to feel it. He turned it over in his hands. He had the courage to do it. He had the reasons to do it, and he had the means to do it. Why was he still alive?
He put the shard away, feeling disgusted with himself. Even now, after he had lost everything, he was simply too stubborn to give up. Taking his own life would have meant admitting what a failure he was, and he simply couldn't stomach the idea. But neither could he accept going on living with no purpose and feeling sorry for himself.
"I hate him," he said again, but with much less venom this time. Stoppable had taken everything from him, but even the thought of revenge couldn't get him excited. The boy would just use his Mystical Monkey Power against him.
Was there anything else left for him? He had nothing and nobody. Well, that wasn't quite right. His thoughts were again turned to Amy. She was also to blame for what had happened to him. She had been the one who had wanted to bring him back. Having revenge on her would be much easier than trying to kill Stoppable, but he wasn't sure if it would make him feel any better. She was merely an idiot and had nothing to do with Mystical Monkey Power. She would never understand.
She would probably be ecstatic if he went to her. He grimaced in disdain. The last thing he needed was wasting his time with someone who was so annoying, so loud, so ignorant of what he wanted and so in love with him. She was so pathetic that it made him sick.
And yet he supposed that she was probably happy. Her love for him somehow made her satisfied with her life. He couldn't understand how that could be enough for her; it was so little and pitiful.
He looked around the destroyed lounge. The darkness around him seemed to be mocking him. He had once had so much, but it hadn't been enough and he had lost it all. Then there was Amy who had nothing he considered valuable but who was still content.
Suddenly the notion of spending the rest of his life all alone with his bitter thoughts felt unbearable. He loathed feeling sorry for himself; he had to find something to fill his empty life with. Anything that would give him a purpose.
Maybe he should ring Amy, just to prove the fact that someone in the world didn't think he was useless. He was desperate enough.
He didn't love her. He didn't even like her. Yet by some ironic twist of fate she was all that he had left. She was all that he could still claim as his own, whether he wanted or not. Drifting without direction felt almost frightening; he needed something to give him more.
Monkey Fist's head felt empty of thoughts as he walked over to the phone that had miraculously survived his tantrum.
"Hello?" a bright voice from the other end said.
Monkey Fist drew a shaky breath.
"Hello, Amy."
A loud squeal filled his ears, but he barely registered that. She was all that he still had. He could learn to… like her.
He had to.
005: You can be like me
"For the last time, Amy, I will not wear that!"
"But you'd look so adorable in it! Can't you do it this one time, just for me?"
"No!"
Monkey Fist had one basic survival skill when it came to his girlfriend. He knew he could never stop her from fussing over everything that was pink or even remotely cute and that the only effective way to turn her into a semi-normal person was to make her have a lobotomy. Though it sometimes felt tempting, he wasn't ready to go that far. Yet.
No, what he had discovered to be a good way to deal with her was letting her blabber until she ran out of steam. He only nodded and kept listening to make sure she didn't get too carried away – like at the moment, for instance.
Amy was standing before his desk, holding an Otterfly costume of his size. The mere fact that she had been able to buy that thing and that it hadn't been custom-made made his mind boggle. Surely there couldn't be others who were unstable enough to be into this?
"Why not?" she asked.
He kept his eyes on the ancient tome on his desk. He knew she had to be giving him that sickeningly sad look that she tried to use every time she wanted to have her way. He rarely gave in.
"Because it would be the most humiliating experience of my life. I will not play dress-up as a Cuddle Buddy!" he snapped.
"It's called cosplay, honey," Amy said.
"Like I care," Monkey Fist muttered.
"But I would go as Pandaroo! I thought it would be a great idea that we'd go to the Cuddle Buddy convention together. I already got the tickets," Amy insisted.
Monkey Fist gritted his teeth at the thought that she had again just assumed that she knew what he wanted, but he managed to keep the profanities inside him. He knew that he, too, had the tendency to get overexcited about something, so it would be healthy not to get too hypocritical.
"I can come to the convention, but I will not wear the costume. It's ridiculous," he said.
"It's not ridiculous! It's something that matters a lot to me! And besides, everyone is laughing at you anyway!" Amy yelled at him.
Now he looked up from his work. "What?" he asked.
Amy put her hands on her hips and glared at him with blazing eyes. "If you ever came to the villain conventions instead of always sulking to yourself in some muddy rainforest, you'd know what the others think of you. You're just a joke to them!" she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked, this time with more force and anger in his tone.
"Well, what do you expect?" Amy asked and rolled her eyes. "I mean, a grown man dresses up like a ninja and lives with monkeys. And what schemes have you ever had? You break into museums like a common thief. What's that compared to Dementor's latest electro-dimensional power generator or Drakken's new take over the world plot? Everyone is always making jokes about you when you aren't there!"
For a while Monkey Fist could only stare at her with his mouth hanging open. He had never heard her say anything bad about him before, and he hadn't even thought it would be possible. She worshipped him, for crying out loud!
"I'm still not wearing the blasted costume!" he said to give himself some time to wrap his mind around her words. What she had said about the other villains couldn't possibly be true. She was just angry at him and was making things up to bother him. She had to be. Killigan would have told him if the others were talking about him behind his back.
"How would it be different from wearing that ninja outfit in public?" Amy asked.
"This doesn't make me look like a nitwit who never grew up. Honestly, why do you insist on making me wear that when you know perfectly well how I feel about it?" Monkey Fist shot back.
"Because I thought it would be fun to do something that I like for a change. You always tell me not to talk about Cuddle Buddies when we go out, you always leave when I have guests, and you're always making snide remarks about me when I get excited about something I love," Amy ranted, her unhappy expression deepening until she was scowling at him like she was about to murder him.
Monkey Fist groaned. Arguing with Amy was so tiring that it was more draining than an afternoon's worth of training. It was impossible to banter with her because she always took everything to heart and said exactly what she thought. She had no idea how to be subtle.
He opened his mouth to tell her that one of them had to keep a clear head, but his words were muffled when the Otterfly costume came flying at his face.
"If you're so ashamed of me that you can't share my hobby this one time, maybe we should end this relationship right here!" Amy snapped and marched out of the room before Monkey Fist could say anything.
He threw the horrid costume aside and leaned back in his chair. That woman would drive him insane one day. It would have been one thing to ask him to publicly humiliate himself like that, but she had just assumed he would go along with it. Hadn't she learnt anything from the times when he had been running away from her because she couldn't get it into her head that he wasn't that enthusiastic about her?
He didn't like it that she was upset; she was always a handful when she was feeling hurt, but he couldn't see what else he could have done. He would be the laughing stock of the entire world if he went along with her stupid, irrational and embarrassing Cuddle Buddy infatuation. The last thing he wanted was to encourage her.
In fact, he had been hoping that he would be able to persuade her to stop collecting the blasted toys and keep a little distance to her collector friends. It was an abnormal hobby, and he was certain that their life would have been much easier if Amy's obsession hadn't been hindering them like this.
He took one glance at the Cuddle Buddy costume on the floor. Shaking his head with disgust, he returned to reading his tome.
Amy didn't speak a single word to him when he came to bed that night. Monkey Fist could tell she was still awake, but she was doing her best to pretend that she had fallen asleep. He frowned in annoyance. Amy didn't usually stay mad for that long. It usually took just one sweet word to make her forget they had ever even had an argument.
Well, he wasn't going to offer it this time. She could deal with her bad mood herself until she understood that she couldn't push him around.
"Well, don't you have anything to say?" Amy finally asked after about ten minutes of complete silence between them.
"What do you want me to say?" Monkey Fist asked, staring at the ceiling.
"An apology would be nice," Amy snapped.
"For what? For refusing to let you make a fool out of me?"
"For not thinking about my feelings at all!"
"Your feelings? What about mine? Why do you try to force me into something I don't want?"
Amy finally turned around. It was too dark to see her face properly, but Monkey Fist thought he could feel the burn of her glare on his skin.
"You big meanie!" Amy snapped. "I always help you find good books for your research. I feed the monkey ninjas when you're too busy to think about anyone else but yourself. I lived a month with you in a treehouse with a leaking roof! I wait for you at home when you're somewhere having adventures and can't be bothered to call me! I've stopped creating adorable beasties that are too big for the castle, just because you didn't like them! What have you ever sacrificed for me?"
I don't need to sacrifice anything for anyone, was Monkey Fist's first thought, but he caught himself just in time before he blurted it out loud. That was exactly how he felt, but at the same time he could be objective enough to realise that it probably wasn't the right way to feel about it.
"Well?" Amy urged him.
"I already said I could come to the convention with you, but I'm not going to make a bigger fool of myself," he said, trying to come up with something important that he had ever done for Amy in the course of their relationship. It was turning out to be quite a short list.
Amy shook her head in irritation. "You just don't get it," she snapped and turned her back on him again.
Monkey Fist always woke up hours before Amy did. He usually started his morning practice right away and let her sleep, but this time he spent a moment examining her in her slumber. She was far from a pretty sight; her hair was a mess and her face was twisted in annoyance, like she couldn't let her anger at him go even when she was dreaming. He supposed he shouldn't expect her to have calmed down over the night.
He shook his head as he decided to leave the room. Amy was too childish and stubborn for her own good.
He was only about an hour into his training when a loud beep from the communication room caught his attention. Growling under his breath, he told his monkey ninjas to continue without him as he went to see who would bother them at such an early hour.
Monkey Fist had never been enthusiastic about high-tech communication systems. Phone and e-mail had always served him well, but Amy had insisted that they needed a large screen so that they could properly keep in touch with the other villains. Monkey Fist suspected that her true motivation was simply that she wanted to have long chat sessions with her friends, but he had let her buy the darned thing and install it.
If only it would be one of Amy's idiotic friends. Then he could just tell them to leave him alone and ring back later when she was awake.
Sadly, it turned out that his bad morning was just getting started.
"What do you want, Killigan?" he asked with a sigh when the face of the mad golfer appeared. Why had they got such a big screen in the first place?
"Nothing much. I just thought ye could help me out with this problem," Killigan said.
"What problem?" Monkey Fist asked.
Killian leant closer like they were accomplices. "I need help with a woman," he whispered.
"So why are you ringing me?"
"Och, don't be daft! I need ye to tell me how to make an impression!" Killigan snapped. "She's so pretty ye wouldn't believe! The finest lassie Scotland ever produced! But I'm a little rough on the edges, so I thought ye could help me out."
Monkey Fist felt like a headache was coming. The last thing he needed was to act as a romantic advisor to a mad golfer.
"What makes you think I would know what to do?" he asked.
"Tell me how ye got a fine woman like Amy. That'll help for starters," Killigan suggested.
"Oh, that was very easy."
"Yes?"
"I unbolted the door and said, 'Fine. I give up.'"
Killigan snorted. "Haha, that's a good one. But really, how did ye get together?"
"I already told you," Monkey Fist said, crossing his arms on his chest. "And if you really have nothing worthwhile to say, I would like to continue with my training."
Killigan, unfortunately, didn't take the hint. He frowned at the simian man in utter bafflement and scratched his bearded chin.
"But that can't be! Ye must have done something to make her like ye! Did ye bring her flowers?" he asked.
"No, I've never done that."
"Sweets?"
"No."
"How often do ye take her dancing or to theatre?"
"Just about never."
"Candlelight dinners?"
"No."
"When was the last time you said you love her?"
Monkey Fist said nothing. It was enough of a reply for Killigan.
"Och, I don't see why she's staying with ye. Keep treating her like that and she'll leave," the golfer said.
"No, she won't!" Monkey Fist snapped. He didn't feel like talking with Killigan any longer, so he moved his finger to the disconnect button as he said, "And if I were you, I'd take that lady friend of yours golfing because that's all you're going to be doing if you miraculously get together, so the least you can do is properly prepare her for such a dull lifetime!"
After the screen went black in the middle of Killigan's angry exclamation, Monkey Fist remained sitting there, fuming to himself about the nerve of the Scottish golfer. What right did he have to make assumptions about anyone else's life? He was clearly in the wrong and understood nothing about him and Amy. She wasn't going to leave him. She loved him more than anything else in the world. If she didn't, why would she have chased after him for so long without giving up regardless of what he did or said to keep her away? She had to love him. He was a master of Tai Shing Pek Kwar, destined to be the Ultimate Monkey Master, highly intelligent and educated in mystical arts and… well…
Monkey Fist tapped his chin in thought. It suddenly occurred to him that though his list of good qualities was positively long, most of those qualities probably didn't appeal to Amy. She was soft; she loved romance and cuddling and everything sweet that he found bothersome. They had entirely different ideas about how to have a good time; they had no friends together, and they mostly tolerated but didn't understand each other's interests.
Maybe Killigan had raised a good question. Why exactly did Amy love him when he provided her with none of what she expected in a relationship? When he thought about it a little longer, he realised that there was the small chance that Amy might get bored with him. He knew that sometimes the hunt was more satisfying than the prey. Now that she had him, she might realise that he was not all that she had wanted.
"She can't leave me," he muttered to himself. If someone was going to end the relationship, it would be him. Nobody left him. If Amy did it, it would be too severe of a humiliation for him. Even worse, she might go to Killigan. The golfer seemed to have taken a liking to women like her. If Amy actually dumped him for a man who went to public wearing a skirt and waving golf clubs around, the other villains would start laughing at his face instead of keeping it behind his back.
And to be perfectly honest, he might miss her. A little. When he had nothing to occupy himself with.
He thought back to what Amy had said the previous day and how she hadn't calmed down at all. She was rarely this angry. Maybe he should have treated her a little better. Maybe he should take her more into consideration in the future.
But how? He couldn't really even talk to her properly before she calmed down. After all the things they both had said the previous day, he didn't think it was about to happen any time soon.
Monkey Fist got up and walked to his study. The Otterfly costume was still lying on the floor. He picked it up carefully like it was a filthy rag worn by someone who had just died of the plague and eyed it with a nauseated grimace on his face.
He sighed like a man who had just accepted his death sentence. It would probably be a good idea to confiscate the monkey ninjas' camera.