Back To Wonder Land
A/N Lyrics belong to Kesha As far as Liz and Ari yes I own them... in my dreams ..now back to reality..
" I was just a young kid
"Living out of my car those were the days
" Tears burned behind my eyes it was getting hard to breathe the room was so crowded people were practically body slamming each other trying to dance.
Pushing my way through the New Years Eve celebration I fought to keep the tears inside. A Voice Yelled.
Someone pass me a beer!
Boom a elbow was brought to my right eye I stumbled trying to keep upright, blurs of people , lights,shoes,filled my hazy visions as I felt my knees give out.
Whoosh ..air assaulted me as I was pulled up from certain brush burn . I gasped grabbing onto my savior not even sure who it was that I could thank for such a heroic act. It was a losing battle the smoke from cigarette's and the alcohol burned my eyes making an escape for the tears possible.
My legs ached as they were finally relived of their stressing. My butt pushed on a stool as the person breathed out.
" You alright Liz?
My Chest heaved " Alright? What the hell was all right? How was I suppose to answer that one? Who was really alright anyway? Who defines if a person is all right?
" Being of ones state of mind"
That's the definition I know but what state of mind was this person talking about? They waited for an answer I felt a hand rest heavily on my shoulder. I still didn't breathe it hurt too damn much to breathe. Breathing meant living, feeling.
Liz!
It was a girl I recognized the voice as a female it was filled with worry and a sense of hurry that was the problem everyone was always in such a hurry why couldn't people just slow down enjoy their time.
Time I mean it's so fragile you never know how much of it you have so why waste it by hurrying it?
Liz speak to me! What happened? Baby your worrying me!
I looked up despite the pounding in my head the tears fell faster but I couldn't speak.
Liz oh my god your having an attack
Joan...it was Joan, I finally looked up painfully I was a mess yeah I knew it my face prob beat red I was sweating and gasping. She touched my face I saw the alarm she thought I had a fever.
I couldn't correct her she ran off prob to get my medication. It wouldn't help though. She excepted me to be the same happy, cheerful positive self. She wouldn't understand why I was so mad why I felt the need to break someone's face. Why I felt like breaking down and bawling and never stopping or pulling the covers over my head and sleeping all day.
It wasn't my allergies this time playing with my heart.
10
The counting started I pushed my way up trying to shove my way out .
Where are you going? Frankie was beside me his arm slung over my shoulders he stumbled god the booze oozed off of him it made me ill. He was laughing of course he is always laughing.
9
Ari Over here!
No! Don't call Ari my heart dropped my stomach turned. Shouts and chants rung out as people laughed surrounding her ..
JARIANA!
JARIANA !
The crowd moved a little ..it wasn't my allergies causing me to clog up and choke ..
" We were the wild ones the wasted youth
"Other then a dream nothing to lose"
It was her ..with her arms wrapped around his shoulders head on his chest dancing so close it should be illegal.
8
My heart was broken and you can't fix a broken heart not when its been shattered into a million pieces.
Jai's hands moved from her back side to her bottom she giggles god I love her giggle it always made me smile it made me laugh..now it just made me cry. The tears were falling harder now so hard it felt like my chest was being ripped open. I was gasping now..Frankie had moved on to someone else he was making them laugh that was how he always is living from one laugh to the next.
Life isn't a joke to me never has been which is funny since I make my living making people laugh.
I ran I didn't need to see her eyes looking up at him those beautiful golden honey brown eyes that always made me melt like butter over popcorn.
Just another reminder of one more thing that I loved and wasn't able to have.
7
I shoved people out of the way yanking open the apartment door running as fast as I could.
Down the hall up the steps my legs burned my chest hurt like fire going through ice.,My head span.
The cold late Dec night air assaulted my face bitter cold just like my heart the roof door clanged shut as I stumbled to the edge of it climbing up on the thin wall I curled my legs up to my chest leaning back against a pillar.
6
Shouts from all the area parties could be heard 6 more seconds till the ball dropped the stars taunted me blinking down promises of happiness and far away dreams yelling catch me!
Liars! I hissed out at them my voice catching dreams and and happiness had never been made to go hand and hand for me.
I shivered the tears over powered me they burst forth like a damn holding a hurricane.
" Ain't it funny how time flies fades into gold
"Now I wanna do a drive by but I can't find the road"
Dreams I use to believe in them I believed so hard people thought I was living out my own fairy-tale but I don't do fairy-tales.
When I was 14 I dreamed of being a star I wanted to make people laugh, cry, cheer, hope dream I wanted to make them feel.
My mom told me I was stupid for believing in such things she said life wasn't a movie .
Dad told me to study go to school prepare myself for the real world .
I dreamed of falling in love and having that feeling last forever I didn't need riches I just wanted that one perfect girl who was out there waiting for me.
I believed that life could be like the movies...when I was 14 it seemed like my life really was a movie.
I was living in New Jersey with my parents who told me it was hopeless who never supported my dreams my little brother who could do no wrong.
I took endless trains and taxis and buses and subs fought of perverted men and people who told me I was too small to old too ugly too this or that to get to auditions and rehearsals in NYC by myself. I found abandoned cars to sleep in when I had to stay over night heck I used one so much I actually started believing it was meant to be mine.
It paid off I got my staring role in a Broadway musical. It wasn't easy I mean I was homeless for the most part sleeping wherever I could find a bed just so I could make it to the theater on time. When I did go home I dealt with my parents telling me I was foolish and I needed to study I went to school I maintained my grades.
Then I found a friend she was perfect to me she was small barely 5' but she had a smile and a laugh that lite up a big room.
"Back to wonderland,
Where it all began.
Everything was so simple then,
Living life like our last weekend,
Wish I could find my way,
Back to wonderland "
It wasn't simple..Well I mean to me back then I guess it was I was young and I fell in love..even if everyone else told me " Liz your too young to know what love is" I knew love was the feeling of safety knowing you could have a pair of arms to fall into when your cold and scared it's knowing your secrets and dreams are safe and are shared by someone else.
People told me " It" was wrong but translate it and you hear what their really saying "I" "You" that is wrong. It infuriates me who are they to say I was or I am wrong? I was born this way God created me this way so he must love me right? Who are they to question god?
She believed it to back then to we were living our dreams getting to sing and dance and act every-night. Living in New York City on our own..well okay not totally on our own we were only 14 Joan was there but she let us live freely. We had friends we were always out getting into things we were always laughing and dancing and exploring. We cuddled we had sleepovers we made up songs we made video's.
We dreamed we shared our dreams..we planned our futures.. She was the first person outside my family who I told my deepest secrets to..we were cuddling in her bed at a sleepover.
Ariana I'm gay ..I'm Bi-sexual I mean I really I'm exploring I don't know for certain anything yet but I know I like both genders I know I like girls more then...
The feel of her lips descended on mine stopping further conversation. Her hands exploring my body making me moan and gasp. She went further my eyes rolled back I squealed out she kissed me. I can feel her breath against my face as her hands cover my lower part her breasts pressed firmly against mine her eyelashes against my checks as she whispers to me.
" I love you"
The sweetest words that ever escaped her perfect pink lips she would tell me all the time no matter where we were she held my hand in public defended me to my parents she kissed me in front of her friends and family.
She supported me in auditions and on stage she felt free I mean on Broadway your accepted for who you are it's a close community that comes in all shapes , sizes ,colors ,genders and sexuality we had friends who embraced the fact that we were gay and encouraged us to be who we were born to be.
Then 13 closed and we got Victorious being ourselves was not cool by network standards we were role models now we had to be perfect we had to represent for a kids company. We couldn't be "gay"
"But it's not the same now, Feels like it was a movie,
No, nothin' is.
That plays in my mind.
Shadows of a past life,
Wish I could rewind."
It's all different now snot falls from my nose I don't' wipe it I don't care. The tears are falling so fast they hurt my eyes and my heart , my chest is burning I let out loud gasping wails as I curl up rocking slightly.
The 1st time we made love..I still feel her hands pushing my hands up and back as her lips descend on my body making me squirm and squeal our lips pressed firmly in each others mouths as our bodies grind.
"Didn't have a clue,
What we were doing,
Or where we would end up.
Living off of nickels,
And dimes and our,
Young reckless love.''
She always told me I was her anchor cause I believed in her ..who wouldn't though? She was beautiful talented and funny, smart and driven so she wasn't getting the staring roles like I was but I knew someday she would she had such an amazing voice such a range she could do whatever was asked of her and she would. I would support her forever even if we were broke and homeless as long as I had her I was happy and really that's all I cared about was her happiness.
"We didn't ever think,
That time would,
Ever come to an end
Now if I could,
You know I'd run.''
But I was right she did get her turn to shine and when she did she shone she shone so bright ..she passed me..now her sunshine is just a cold wind on my back..no matter how hard I turn I can't find her rays.
She caved she gave the company what they wanted ..they said "Gay is a sin" it's not what we want to teach our kids it's not what parents want to teach their kids. She told me she disagreed that she loved me and we'd be together forever we just had to play our parts and make them think we had broken up.
She would do whatever it took to shine she wanted the fame that badly and once she got a taste there was no going back for the whole family Frankie , Joan and Ari they liked what they saw.
Her star rose the money pored in..the offers didn't stop..for her..for me..I got stereotyped...I got diagnosed with Celiac disease which means I can't eat half the stuff I want it means I will get deathly ill if I eat these things and I got diagnosed with so many other allergies. I can't even keep track of them all. It froze my career who wants to hire a actress with so many liabilities?
She said she would support me..but between my doctor appointments my flying home to NJ trying to work things out with my family..her career being so busy she was always traveling and then there were the fans she spent hours tweeting them video chatting with them meeting them..she did everything for them they took over her life she listened to them and they were always throwing things out there for her to do who to date what to wear what roles to go after who to be friends with..the fans ..linking her to this guy or that guy ...she met a boy named Jai ..the fans went crazy they think their so cute they pushed them and pushed them "Jariana" trended worldwide ...Ariana became obsessed with making the fans happy after all their half the reason she gets to live her dreams.. so she did what they wanted she chatted with him she skyped she face-timed they wrote all summer long now he flew out here to spend New Years Eve with her..the company is so happy, Joan likes him and Frankie's practically his best friend..
Where does that leave me?
She's down there giggling with him dancing with him kissing him..she's happy..I should be to I mean her happiness has always been my 1st concern right?
Happy New Years!
The shouts from millions of people can be heard I can see the ball drop it's so shiny it's calling to me...it's falling..catch me.. I'm your hopes your dreams your promises ..I want to go after it..it's going to fast ..I rise I'm unsteady I'm dizzy but for once I have a purpose.
Who says New Years means happiness? What if it's just more of the same drama and hopelessness as the year before? Why should I stay around for it?
I step forward where did that ball go? I stumble it's a blur 82 stories rush around me..
Liz No!
"Back to wonderland,
Where it all began.
Everything was so simple then,
Living life like our last weekend,
Wish I could find my way,
Back to wonderland ''
A/N This May be a 1st in a series of Eliana stories that I do based off of songs anyone have any suggestions feel free to leave a review please or pm me. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed my other stories which I promise won't be abandoned. Happy New Years everyone hope everyone has a safe and fun night. Follow Me on twitter for updates mileycfan4eva jmmcfan grandenonna and samandcat4eva.