CHRISTMAS
by KathyBrown
Notes: Special thanks to my beta Redbyrd and Kreek for her support!
Disclaimer: Written for fun and entertainment only. No money is being made.
Everywhere in the country people were wishing each other a merry Christmas. Families and friends were meeting again after years. And even some, who had nobody, were lighting a candle, humming "Jingle Bells" under their breath. Everywhere they sang and hugged and kissed. He knew they were. He'd had Christmases like that before. A long time before.
Jack O'Neill sat in a folding chair on his deck wearing a thick winter jacket. Neither he nor his house showed any sign that it was Christmas. No twinkling lights, no tree, no presents, no family or friends. Just Jack and his telescope. He stared at the millions of stars and planets and wondered how many of them he had already visited.
From the house next to him he heard muffled music. Carols, of course. Jack sighed. He hated Christmas. The music was the worst or that false sentimentalism. People who usually try to ruin your day all the year couldn't pass without a toothy grin and a big 'Merry Christmas' on Christmas eve.
Although... he frowned. There had been a time when he had thought differently. An eternity ago, it seemed.
Suddenly an old, long buried memory popped into his mind. From a time when he'd enjoyed Christmas immensely...
"Dad, hey, Dad! Come on, wake up! Wake up!"
Someone was shaking his shoulder. ("Daaaaddy!") Jack turned away from the enthusiastic voice and closed his eyes tight. "'m tired", he mumbled drowsily.
"Dad!" the voice said accusingly right into his ears. "It's Christmas!"
'Here ends my peaceful night', Jack thought. He blinked twice and opened his eyes to see his seven-year-old son Charlie jump up and down in front of him.
Chuckling under his breath he said, "What time is it? Eight o'clock! Jeez, do you know when I went to bed?"
"Dad!"
Jack grinned. "Just kidding, partner. I'm getting up. Go, wake your mom!"
Charlie rolled his eyes. "She's already downstairs making waffles!"
Jack frowned. "She is?"
Charlie nodded. "She is."
"Waffles you said?" Jack asked, just to be sure.
"Waffles." Charlie grinned.
"Then what are we waiting for!" Jack grabbed his son under the arms and took him onto his shoulders. They sang "Jingle Bells" as they went downstairs.
Suddenly the scene changed.
It was not a winter morning anymore. It was warm and in the afternoon. Jack had just come home from work. He saw Sara, a smile spreading on his face, he kissed her lasciviously. He wanted to tell her, how happy he was to be home, how much he loved her, how great her hair looked in the sun---
His heart stopped. He heard the familiar buzzing in the air. The deadly sound of of a gunshot, and - after what seemed a long long time - a thud.
A few happy moments long, he did not realize what had happened. Then it came, slowly creeping into his mind as time stood still.
The shot rang in his ears and would not stop, almost drowning out the horrified scream of his wife.
He was numb when he started to run, still was when he reached the door and then the stairs.
And there he was.
A puddle of blood on the floor and in it the familiar figure of a child, his child, Charlie.
Jack could not breath. The pain in head and his chest was almost blinding him. His vision blurred, he fell to his knees. The little part of his mind that had not yet gone nuts told him to feel for a pulse. Uselessly.
And the voice in his head started to scream shrilly.
'It is all your fault, your! fault, your fault, your fault, your fault-'
"I'm sorry!" Jack yelled into the stillness of the night.
He was on his porch again, but the voice would not stop screaming inside his head.
"I'm sorry," Jack whispered, his eyes burning. "I'm so sorry."
He buried his face in his hands, trying to stop the tears from falling. The pain embraced him.. So much that he didn't even hear the car stopping in front of the house and the footsteps approaching.
"Hey, Jack," a soft voice said.
Jack flinched. He hastily wiped a hand over his eyes, then turned around to see Daniel Jackson walking up the stairs to his porch. "Hi, Daniel," he said, trying to sound casual. "What are you doing here?"
Daniel came to a halt behind Jack's chair, obviously not sure what he should say. "Well, I was in the area kinda accidently and I thought-"
"Kinda accidently?" Jack repeated, angry that his voice did not sound like himself at all.
"Yeah, uhm, of course... are you all right?" his friend asked.
"Sure", Jack answered, but his voice was still an octave higher than usual. He cleared his throat. "Sure, sure... So, what do you want?"
"Well, it's Christmas." Daniel shrugged. "You know."
"Yeah, well, it's also Sunday and our day off, remember?" Jack shot back, the old self coming back
"Oh, come on. You don't want to be alone on Christmas." Daniel took a chair and sat down at his side. "I brought beer."
Jack grumbled, but suddenly realized that the voice in his head had quieted. Maybe distracting himself a little bit longer would help.
"Fine, then stay," he said grumpily and took one of the beer cans.
In silence they sipped their drink and stared up to the sky. Jack knew that Daniel must have heard or seen him crying and he was glad Daniel wasn't bringing it up. He didn't want to talk about, he never had before. So why should he now?
"You know," Daniel said suddenly. "This is my first Christmas since I left, well, earth."
"What..?"
"They don't have Christmas on Abydos, of course," Daniel continued . "They had feasts to honor Ra and, well, they didn't really want to keep them up anymore after Ra's death."
"Quite understandable."
"Yeah.. And once I told them about our feasts on earth, but they wanted to see how to celebrate Christmas. So Sha're had the idea that we should try and celebrate it on Abydos," Daniel smiled, his eyes on his half-empty beer can without realizing it. "It was kinda nice. But I also thought a lot about Earth at that time."
Jack looked at his friend.
Daniel caught his gaze and said, "Yeah, believe or not. I didn't leave behind much, but I missed it. I wondered often enough how you were doing or Kawalsky or Catherine or-"
"Your family?" Jack asked.
Daniel shook his head. "No, as I said I didn't leave behind much. They all died when I was kid."
"I'd forgotten."
Daniel shrugged half-heartedly. "It all happened a very long time ago."
"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore," Jack said quietly.
Daniel shook his head. "No, you're right, doesn't mean that."
They fell silent. Jack followed the sudden urge to swallow, feeling a hard lump in his throat. Staring up into the starlit sky, Jack cleared his throat and said quietly, "How was it?"
"What?" Daniel turned to look at him.
"Dying. How was it?"
"You've died, too."
"You died twice, you're the expert," Jack said and tried to give him a grin, but it felt more like grimace. "I didn't really feel anything, did you?"
"Me neither... Kinda like going to sleep."
Jack nodded, staring at his hands, but he wasn't really seeing them. He wondered if Charlie had known that he was going to die when he'd pulled the trigger.
"I feel guilty sometimes," Daniel said.
Jack looked up. That was the thing he was thinking all the time. 'After all, I am guilty. I should feel guilty. But Daniel..?'
"Because of Sha're," Daniel continued. "She'd be okay if we-"
"Hey," Jack said sharply. "None of what happened is your fault!"
"Yeah... maybe... probably not," Daniel said. "People tend to feel guilty about things that are out of their reach, Jack," he added after a short pause.
"Right," Jack replied and as soon as he'd said it, he understood what his friend was aiming for. "Oh Daniel. This is different."
"I understand that you feel like that, but these things happen and they're not under our control."
"I left my gun lying around, goddamn!" Jack said loudly, his voice breaking slightly. "He is dead because of me, so don't say it's not my fault!"
"All right," Daniel said.
Jack wiped over his eyes hastily.
"But don't think you're alone," Daniel added quietly, looking up again into the starry sky.
"Don't worry," Jack said quietly.
In silence they sat a few minutes more. Jack suddenly noticed that the voice in his head had stopped screaming completely. Suddenly he could feel again how chilly the night actually was and how coldly the wind blew around the corners. But he felt better, much better. "It's cold," he said, "why don't we go in?"
Understanding Daniel smiled. "And celebrate Christmas?"
"Uh, well," Jack said, getting up, "I don't have a tree, no turkey, no lights, no Santa Claus or whatever."
Daniel shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"We could watch the Simpsons."
"Do we have to?" Daniel asked.
"Hey!" Jack said in mock anger. "You just haven't seen it before. Admit it! You don't know anything.. about the Simpsons. It is-"
"-Fascinating?" Daniel asked raising an eye-brow doubtfully.
"That's your word."
"Right," Daniel said, resigned. "Okay, the Simpsons it is."
Christmas wasn't so bad after all, he thought. Watching Daniel sit down on the couch, a sudden feeling of gratitude washed over him.
"What are you staring at?" Daniel's voice brought him back to reality.
"Nothin'," Jack said. Sitting down himself he couldn't help smiling. "Thanks," he breathed, barely audible. And though he thought that Daniel couldn't have heard him... for a moment he was sure he'd seen Daniel nod an ever so slight 'you're welcome'.
THE END
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