"Are you drunk right now?"
The words hit his ear in that harsh, accusatory tone, but beneath it all, he could still hear that pull of concern in her voice.
Logan didn't want her to care. Things would be so much easier if neither of them cared.
But they did, and that's what made everything so fucked up.
For the first time in his seventeen years of life, Logan Mitchell was utterly and completely faded. As he fumbled for some sort of answer, his lips felt as if they were coming unhinged. The characteristic anxiety that had always coursed through his veins seemed diluted somehow by the elixir in his hand. All of his muscles felt awkwardly relaxed, and it was all he could do to keep his eyelids from falling close. It took every ounce of strength to keep his cell phone pressed firmly against his ear.
It wasn't like Logan to break the rules, and it went against all of his self-taught medical training to abuse prescription drugs, but there was a part of him that abandoned all of his reasoning, the same part that was hopelessly in love with his best friend, and that sliver buried deep down inside of him was begging to be numbed.
With either Kendall's mom or little sister always around, it was a rare occurrence that the four boys got the apartment to themselves, and every chance they did seemed to bring out the worst in them. Since Carlos's uncle was a locksmith and had passed on some of the skills of the trade to his only nephew, they had no trouble picking the lock on Ms. Knight's liquor cabinet.
Usually on nights like these, Logan was the quiet observer, listening as his three best friends confessed the things they'd never have the nerve to say when they were sober. Though at times he felt awkward being the only one not under the influence, it was interesting, catching a glimpse of this side of his friends. In some way, it was comforting to witness the vulnerability of these guys that he secretly looked up to. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one who had issues, even though he never expressed them.
On that particular night, Ms. Knight had taken Katie to some mother-daughter retreat in Sacramento, leaving the guys to their own devices. Carlos was sprawled out along the length of the couch, more concerned with the stash of candy he'd found tucked away than the bottle of watermelon-flavored Smirnoff they'd recovered. Though it was a girly drink, beggars couldn't exactly be choosers, and no complaints left James's lips as the golden boy of the group took a swig before passing the bottle back to Kendall.
From his seat on the orange loveseat, Logan's brown eyes skimmed over the tabloid someone had left on the coffee table, his forearms resting on his thighs. It was difficult for him to hide how his expression seemed to drop as he examined her face on the cover, eyes gazing up in adoration at her hunky movie star boyfriend as she clung to his arm. Below the photograph, there was some cheesy, attention-grabbing headline about a secret elopement in Cabo. Though Logan knew that it wasn't true, just another rumor to sell magazines, it still hurt for him to see them together, pretending to be so happy and so in love.
He was beginning to believe that everything in Hollywood was a lie.
The thing was, Kandi was anything but happy with Dak Zevon. She'd admitted how badly he treated her to Logan on numerous occasions, how she felt like he had a drinking problem, how he pressured her sexually. What they had was toxic, and it was all he could do to hold his tongue, to be there for his friend even though on the inside he was screaming, "Leave him! Be with me!"
Despite the fact that Dak treated her like shit, Logan still couldn't compete.
He wasn't any good at masking the hurt that seeped through his features, and Kendall could see straight through him, concern rising to the surface of his jade irises.
"You shouldn't worry about her so much," he replied as he ran a hand through his dirty blonde locks. "I like to think that things have a way of working themselves out."
Logan wanted to have faith in his friend's encouragement, but he'd never been one for being optimistic. He could only muster up a half-hearted nod before his gaze fell back to his hands.
"Okay," James spoke up from his spot in the leather recliner, his feet propped up on the coffee table as he stole a quick glance to Kendall before continuing. "I know you don't drink, but I think I might have something that'll help take your mind off of things."
Logan's eyes stayed focused on James as he leapt out of the chair and strutted back into the kitchen, and though he was reluctant to go along with any of James's schemes, Logan's curiosity got the better of him, and he hoisted himself onto the stool at the other side of the counter.
James reached into the cabinet, retrieving a white medicine bottle and placing it on the counter as he continued to rummage through the kitchen. A quick examination of the bottle's label revealed it was a prescription for cough syrup under James's name, thirty milligrams of codeine per five milliliters.
Soon the bottle was joined by a sole styrofoam cup and a two-liter bottle of Sprite, and without a word, James began to mix the ingredients together, forming a thick purple concoction that reeked of cough syrup but grew lighter in color with each splash of soda added. When he was finished, he passed the cup across the counter to his friend, who could only stare at the pink liquid, not entirely sure if he should take a sip.
"What's this supposed to do? I don't have a cold," Logan replied dryly, letting the mixture slosh around in the cup, the thought of actually drinking it enough to make his stomach turn.
"Trust me, it'll calm you down," James reassured him, a smirk playing across his lips. "There's a reason why I fake sick so often, ya know, aside from getting to miss school."
Their gazes locked across the counter as Logan held the cup to his lips, any hesitation he had countered by the sense of challenge in James's hazel eyes.
After daring to take a sip, Logan realized that it didn't taste as bad as he'd expected, the citrusy flavor and carbonation from the Sprite seemed to mask the nasty cough syrup taste.
"How is it?" James asked. He'd never mixed lean for anyone other than himself, so he was eager to know if he was good enough at it to sway even straight-laced Logan.
"It's not…horrible," the boy admitted, averting his stare to the hardwood floor beneath his sneakers.
His friend flashed him an arrogant grin as he led him back to the living room. "Just don't drink it too fast."
As the night progressed, with each of the guys lamenting about their girl troubles, Logan could feel the effects of the drink as each sip made him feel less and less attached to his body. Even though his thoughts seemed to float in the air above him, he still didn't feel any better. The mixture did nothing to fill the gaping void in the pit of his stomach.
Usually, hearing his friends' relationship troubles made Logan feel less alone, but tonight, it only furthered his own loneliness, knowing that his friends were hurting just as much as he was.
In some way, they were all hopeless. As much as Kendall tried to push her from his thoughts, he still missed Jo, and it made him ache knowing that they had something but their careers drove them apart. None of the other girls in the building seemed to measure up to her, no matter how hard he tried to force some sort of connection with them. It just wasn't there.
James's problem was that none of the girls he hooked up with seemed to live up to his expectations, and once the physical conquest was over and done with, he had a tendency of losing all interest in them. When it came down to it, all he really wanted was for someone to take him seriously, to see him as more than just a pretty face and a set of washboard abs, but that never happened. Being attractive was just exhausting and frustrating at the same time, but it wasn't as if James was going to let his looks go anytime soon. His pride just wouldn't allow it.
After he'd gotten his fill of gummy worms and Red Bull, Carlos began to list off all the girls in the building that he was into and how he'd screwed it up with each of them. Carlos tended to be drawn to girls that were out of his league, and even though he was a sweet, caring guy that any of them would've been lucky to have, members of the opposite sex had trouble seeing past his rough edges. Carlos wasn't exactly the best at making first impressions, and he had a certain knack for running off every girl that his friends tried to set him up with.
Hearing all of this in the same session was a little more than Logan could stand, and he had to escape, slowly making his way into the bedroom he shared with James. Maybe it was because nothing around him felt real, it all had that dreamlike blur around the edges, but Logan couldn't shake the urge to blurt out all of his feelings to Kandi, to finally get it off his chest so he could be free of it all. Maybe all the tension between them would disappear if he just told her. Maybe she'd even feel the same way.
Yeah, right.
Regardless, on this impulse, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand, his fingers too clumsy to actually dial her number, instead opting for speed dial.
She answered on the third ring, her voice astoundingly clear for two o'clock in the morning.
"Hello?"
Unbeknownst to Logan Mitchell, Kandi Jenkins was wide awake, lying in the spacious king-sized bed in Dak Zevon's guest bedroom and staring up at the ceiling. Logan's call was unexpected but a pleasant surprise nonetheless. Though she'd never admit it, she was overwhelmed by loneliness, holed up in Dak's luxurious house by herself while Dak spent all night club hopping with his friends.
"Hey K, it's Logan. Hope I didn't wake you up." There was a strange waver to his voice, as if it was hard for him to enunciate his words.
"Nah, you're fine. I can never sleep anyway," she joked, running a hand through her messy brunette locks as she sat up.
The views from Dak's house were breathtaking. Because his house was nestled in the Hollywood Hills, it overlooked the valley below, the entire city of Los Angeles stretched out like a sequined blanket below.
"So…what are you up to?" she asked. Her bare toes dug into the plush carpet beneath her feet as she stood up, slowly walking around the bed. It was hard for her to sit still whenever she was on the phone.
"Nothing really, hanging out with the guys in the apartment. What about you?"
Kandi stood at the window, gazing down at the city ablaze below, knowing that Logan was somewhere out there.
"I'm at Dak's." Her finger traced patterns into the glass as she spoke, hesitant to provide Logan with any further details. Her friend wasn't exactly the most supportive when it came to her relationship with her co-star, and though he never voiced his disapproval, it was obvious in the way he tried to change the subject whenever it veered in the direction of Dak.
"Oh," his voice trailed off, unsure of what to say. Kandi could hear him struggle to catch his breath over the line.
"Don't worry, he's not here," she said in an attempt to ease the tension, winding a lock of wavy hair around her middle finger.
In the empty house, she could hear Logan sigh, a long, drawn out exhalation before his voice came forth in one sudden burst.
"Why are you still with him, Kandi?" The question was awkwardly tugged out as he slurred his words, and that's when she became suspicious. He didn't sound like himself, and the Logan she knew would've never been so blunt.
"Are you [i]drunk[/i] right now?"
She hadn't intended for her words to come out in such a nagging manner, but her emotions were muddled. A tiny part of her was pissed that Logan felt that it was his place to question her relationship, but she was mostly concerned for her friend. She'd never known him to drink or do anything even remotely risky, so she couldn't help but worry.
In that instance, for the first time in weeks, Kandi wished she were home. She'd spent all this time so self-absorbed in her career and the success that had come along with it that she'd neglected all the people that had helped her get there.
Logan had been there for her whenever she needed him, but now, when the tables were turned, she'd abandoned him.
"You didn't answer my question," he replied dryly.
Kandi fell back onto the bed, her thoughts racing as she struggled to put her feelings into words. It was hard, finding the right words to express her own insecurities, and as much as she loved Logan as her friend and trusted him, she couldn't let him see that side of herself, the side that didn't have it all together.
Because secretly, her life was becoming more and more of a mess by the minute, and she'd never felt more helpless.
If she broke up with Dak, it would probably destroy her career, but she was so sick of having to fake it, of having to constantly play the role of the perfect couple. She couldn't put her finger on the moment when she'd stopped living for herself and had allowed her life to be turned into a screenplay.
If only things were that simple, if only she could just end everything with Dak and go running into Logan's arms, but that wasn't realistic. Life wasn't like one of the movies she'd starred in, nothing ever tied up nicely in the end.
The only answer she could offer him was in the form of a question.
"Why are you still with Camille?"
Nothing but silence.
In a way, they both knew the answer. They were both in relationships with people that weren't right for them because it was somehow more comforting, safer in some twisted, irrational way, to stay with the devil you knew as opposed to taking a risk and possibly losing it all.
He chose to ignore the question. "You deserve so much better."
Kandi could detect the subtlety beneath his statement, but she wasn't willing to acknowledge it yet. She was just too proud and too stubborn to admit that he was right, let alone that she harbored feelings for him. Feelings that she refused to accept.
She wanted to make everything okay, but she couldn't, and it killed her.
"Well, I'm gonna have to let you go. I'm sleepy." She attempted to fake a yawn, more than ready to let this awkward conversation come to a close.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called."
"No, it's okay….just-just be careful, okay?" she said with a sigh, letting her eyes close as she listened for his voice.
He chuckled slightly. "I'll try to. Goodnight."
"'Night."
And with that, it was over, and the two parties were left with nothing but restless thoughts.