Fidelis.
A love story by madeofmay
Rated M for language and content.
Summary: Remus Lupin's life is turned upside down and inside out at the passing thought of one who left his heart for dead years ago. Set in the Summer of 1980. Crummy summary, (crummary?).
A/N: There are many open ended mysteries about Remus Lupin. What was his wand made of? What was his Patronus? How did he know so much about the Dementors, and just what was up with that "Twisted Smile?" In a work of pure non-canon fiction, these mysteries will be revealed.
Forgive me the use of an O.C., I usually don't care much for them but in this case, it was necessary. I tried to fit him in as seamlessly as I could.
Go see the original illustrations for this chapter at my livejournal listed in my profile, (coming soon, I promise).
Disclaimer: I do not own, therefore I eat ramen noodles instead of spaghetti every night.
On Spare Thoughts and Idle Hands.
There was no hurry. Not in that darkened bedroom where two bodies moved together in languid harmony. Sensuous moans filled the room, sweat pooled, mouths sought one another with hunger and lust, tooth nipped at the delicate skin around the neck and nipple while tongue swiped at the part just underneath the ear where the jaw meets and it sent Remus Lupin over the edge.
Remus moaned low and rough, "Mmm, Sirius."
The other stopped immediately. "What?" he said, angrily shoving Remus off of him.
Remus froze in realization of what he had said. "Oy," he said fighting back. "No, Erik, c'mon. I didn't say anything."
Erik Rosier, having completely lost it, shuffled across the bed he and Remus shared so that he was nearly teetering off the edge and pulled the sheet over him in a huff, "Christ, Remus. You said 'Sirius' clear as day and-- gerroff me, fiend."
Remus, trying to get back on Erik's good side, was kissing the never-fail spot on Erik's neck, "I swear, I didn't say his name. I was merely lost," he was doing some quick thinking. Something he was notable for. "In the severity of the moment. C'mon love." He pressed against Erik's backside and started planting kisses on his lover's shoulder.
Erik sighed. He pivoted around so he was facing Remus, placing an arm's length barrier between them, "Rems, darling. I love you. We've been together a long time," and they had. Since their sixth year at Hogwarts. He looked Remus square in the eye. "But, Christ, I just don't know about you sometimes. I know you still love him, and I wish to God you would just get over him. And until I know you're mine, mind body and soul, I can't do this," he gestured all around him. "With you, anymore."
Remus sat up immediately. "You're cutting me off," It wasn't a question.
"Good night, darling," Erik said sitting up to kiss Remus on the nose.
"You tease," Remus grumbled as he got out of bed. Through the darkness, he scrambled through the pile of hastily discarded clothing for a pair of boxers and a shirt. It didn't matter if they were his or not, he and Erik wore the same size.
"Where're you going?"
"I've just been kicked out of my own bed," Remus said, half amused, half annoyed. "Where do you think I'm going?"
"Lotion's in the bathroom cabinet," Erik said as he rolled over and went to sleep.
Remus flopped down on their sofa and slid his hands down his drawers. He muttered a low and miserable curse. Sirius. He can't believed he was so lost in the moment he forgot where he was and most of all whom he was with. It was so stupid it was laughable. He had barely spared an extra thought, sexual or otherwise, towards Sirius in months and here was Sirius messing up his life, sexual or otherwise, again.
And why should he think of Sirius Black? Sirius had ruined whatever they could have had back in their sixth year with some meaningless prank that still left a bad taste in Remus's mouth to this very day. If Erik had not been there to pick up the shattered pieces and made him whole again, who knows where he, Remus, would be today.
They were a good match, he and Erik. Erik was in Ravenclaw back in school and the Sorting Hat nearly put Remus in Ravenclaw at his first year sorting so they had that going for them. They were both prefects in school, which was how they met. They were also very compatible, whatever that meant. That was Lily's muggle-magazine jargon speaking. Granted, Erik has yet to become an illegal animagi, like the Marauders had before him yet he was accepting and nurturing towards the wolf that Remus became every month. And yet, Remus was still pulling his hair out at the mere thought of Sirius.
He tried to picture Erik in his mind's eye; Lovely dark brown eyes, so dark they were black. Black. . . Erik's beautiful blond hair that moved with the grace of pureblood aristocracy. . . Just like Sirius's. Aw hell, Remus muttered to himself. They both even have Death Eater brothers. Remus gave up, they both had an awful lot in common so it could have very well been an honest mistake.
Remus withdrew his hand from his shorts, he wouldn't make himself finish when thoughts of Sirius were flooding his mind. He went into the kitchen to fix himself a cup of tea. Or a drop of Scotch, whichever they had more of.
That's what he intended to do, anyway. He was sidetracked by an extremely well-groomed Great Horned Owl he didn't recognize pecking at the kitchen window. He opened the window for the owl who bypassed him and flew right into the bedroom with a letter in its beak..
"Bloody hell, owl!" cried Erik. Remus dashed into the room to find the owl nipping at Erik's fingers in an attempt for attention as a round-eyed Erik was scouring the letter he held in his shaking hands.
Remus stood in the doorway as Erik, hunched over, crumpled the letter with one hand and half-heartedly petting the owl with the other.
"God damn it," Erik muttered under his breath, but Remus heard. He made his way over and enveloped his lover in an embrace.
"What is it, love," Remus asked.
"This is my family's owl, Incubus. They only use him on desperate family affairs as he's the fastest," Erik began. Remus nodded patiently. "It's my brother. Evan--"
Erik was overtaken with dry sobs as Remus strengthened his grip around Erik's shoulders. Remus knew that Evan, a Slytherin four years ahead of himself, was a Death Eater and had even dueled him a number of times in various dog fights unbeknownst to Erik who preferred to remain neutral in the escalating war.
Remus remembered the day that Erik announced his neutrality quite vividly because it was after a situation he had encountered nearly a lifetime before. Erik's parents, were pureblood wizards (his mother was of the Noble House of Black and his father was half Malfoy and former Death Eater himself) and heavily ensconced by Lord Voldemort's cause. Remus wasn't present, naturally, had the Rosiers known about Remus in general, the escalating scene would have played out more catastrophically.
"You are to enlist for the Dark Lord's cause upon your graduation from Hogwarts. You have already disgraced your father, and all that he has worked for having been sorted into Ravenclaw, you should thank the everlasting stars you weren't put into Hufflepuff. And you will do nothing further to besmirch our good, pure name," Mrs. Rosier preached. It was Easter break and she insisted Erik come home for this meeting, alone. It was a song all too familiar for Remus when Erik recapped, back in Hogwarts.
In a stone faced reply, Erik said, "Then, Mother, this is where the family and I part ways. I will not, and shall not take part in The Dark Lord's evil plan."
Mrs. Rosier's nostrils flared and her lips thinned, much akin to Professor McGonagall's, she also blanched as if this was not the answer she was expecting. "Is that so?" was all she could muster to say.
"That is so."
There was a look in his Mother's stern black eyes, something Erik didn't recognize, but it was a fleeting flicker. "In the name of the House of My Fathers, Erik Phineas Rosier, you are banished," her voice was strained, quivering. At the time, Erik couldn't pinpoint where the quiver was coming from but looking back much later, he recognized it. It was the sound of her heart breaking. It was love.
But at that time, Erik only saw red. He clenched his jaw and left Rosier Hall forever without a word. And once he passed through the post and lintel of his ancestral home, his name, as it appeared on a tapestry hanging in Number 12 Grimmauld Place was singed off.
That night, Erik and Remus made love in the Prefect's bathroom. Distracted, disinterested love.
"I'm sorry, darling," Erik said pulling himself away.
Remus grunted from the loss of pressure and pleasure but he could see that Erik hadn't been completely keen all evening so he corralled his lust and kissed Erik on the forehead, instead. "Please, don't be sorry," Remus said. "Talk to me."
"I've been disowned from Rosier Hall," Erik said in a strange monotone, as if he was grasping the situation, himself.
Déjà vu, Remus thought to himself. He wrapped his arm around Erik's waist. He had remembered nonsensical ramblings he once uttered about 'family' and 'home' and 'together forever,' words given to someone who threw them back in disregard and indifference. Instead, with total and complete openness, he said, "I love you."
That was all Erik needed to hear as he pulled Remus closer for the most meaningful kiss they had shared so far.
"You pouf," Erik grinned in retaliation.
"Pot kettle black," Remus tutted. "James was speaking of a meeting coming up. Some sort of Order headed by Dumbledore. Won't you come with me? Join Dumbledore's cause, it sounds like you can really make a difference."
Erik groaned, "From one cause to another? Can't I just remain neutral for one blinking second?"
Remus recognized his folly and made amends for it with another kiss.
Erik extended his shaking hand and placed the crumpled letter in Remus's, pulling Remus back into the present. Remus smoothed the parchment and read.
It was from Erik's youngest sister, Eloise. Evan was killed. By Aurors. The family mansion has been raided and their second brother, Ethan, is in custody for "his own safety." Remus swallowed. Aurors may be coming for Erik next and to be careful.
Remus recrumpled the letter and threw it across the room, in the vague direction of the rubbish bin.
"Bollocks," Remus said comfortingly. "They can't take you. You're an aspiring Auror. And even if they do, I sure as hell won't let them. Now shush, love."
Erik reached a hand up to envelop Remus's, "I'm not even allowed to attend the funeral."
Remus sighed. It was true, it was all part of the disownment. Regardless if Erik was close with his brother or not (and they weren't), they were still brothers and to not even be allowed to pay respects was just unfathomable. "We'll think of something," Remus said, not really sure of what that something was.
"How do you feel about Polyjuice?"
"Polyjuice only works on humans," Remus replied. "I won't be able to come with."
Erik hit Remus's knee ("Ow."), "How many times do I have to bloody tell you? You are human."
Remus, not so sure, leaned down to plant a kiss on Erik's lips, "My mate, James, has an Invisibility Cloak."
"Does he now? That explains much."
Incubus was nipping at the bedpost, completely ruining the finish as Erik slid out of bed as heavily as a bag of flour to let the owl out.
"Can I come back to bed?" Remus asked, already sprawling out, anticipating Erik's answer.
"I don't think I want to be alone, tonight," Erik replied. He gazed out the window, out past Islington into the night where the fog was settling in quickly. "Not anymore, at least."
"Come here," Remus said barely in a whisper. And Erik sought refuge in Remus's offer.
A/N: But wait there's more. Writing's only a hobby, my grammar isn't perfect, and critiques are very much welcome. Check back soon for artwork for this chapter at my livejournal. Thanks for reading!
-Laura S.