He was on top of the world.
From this vantage point, there were endless possibilities. He could step down and pretend none of this had happened, that he'd never planned on coming here to do something so…terrible. On the other hand, he could simply end it all right here as well.
It was three in the morning and he'd wandered into the FBI building without setting off any alarms. He was allowed to be here at any given time since it was within his radius and it was also his current place of work. If anyone were to check his anklet, there was no way they would know he was on the very top of the building.
He'd been suicidal for quite some time, honestly, but he'd been slipping further and further into the depths of his madness as of late. He was tired of the temptations he felt on a daily basis, of wanting to make Peter proud, but also of wanting to turn his back on Peter and run. However, that wasn't what brought him to this point. What honestly brought him to this point was the temptation of Peter himself.
Peter is a heterosexual, married man. Neal, on the other hand, was bisexual. He'd obsessed over Kate like mad in the beginning, but it'd never really been about Kate. It'd been about the game he'd been playing with Peter, which then developed into the formation of feelings for the man. It didn't matter that Peter was responsible for his arrest, for this arrangement. It was just the fact that he'd fallen in love with his handler that drove him to this low.
Normally, he was perfectly fine with the way things were. He pretended to be a man whore, pretended that he enjoyed the simple companionship between himself and Peter. This wasn't the case though. He didn't mind the women he'd flirted with and engaged in sexual relationships with, but they weren't what he was particularly interested in. While he identified as bisexual, he preferred men. He preferred Peter.
He'd fantasized about Peter since they'd met. When he met Peter, he'd begun to look into him. Early on, he knew he and Peter would never have a chance in hell. That realization hurt him like hell and continued hurting him a few years into his sentence. His sentence was nearly complete by this point, but that only meant that he'd earn his freedom. It didn't mean he would finally have the opportunity to profess his love for Peter. Knowing that Peter would never return his feelings… He didn't think there was honestly anything more painful.
The pain only seemed to intensify each and every day considering he and Peter spent so much time together. They acted like lovers and had been on a case or two that required them to pretend they were. He'd taken a few sick days after those cases just to get himself through the pain he felt. He would never admit it to anyone else, but he'd cried quite a bit during those days. It hurt so damn much to have a glimpse at what he and Peter could be if they were together while knowing that it was an impossible scenario. There was no way Peter would ever leave Elizabeth. He loved her far too much. Aside from that, how could Peter ever love a criminal? And a felon at that?
Stepping off of the roof would undoubtedly end his emotional suffering. He was very good at playing it off externally, but the suffering he endured internally was tearing him apart from the inside out. Peter wouldn't find out until the following morning, but it wouldn't particularly matter. He was just a case Peter was forced to deal with. Granted, Peter had formed quite the friendship with him, but what did that mean when the love he felt for Peter was unrequited?
Breathing shakily, he inhaled deeply and held his breath. He leaned forward and glanced down, down at the darkened, busy street where plenty of people were. There was the possibility that Peter would discover his passing earlier than the next morning, but it still wouldn't matter. He would be gone. He couldn't see the look of disappointment or disapproval if he were dead…
He exhaled slowly and straightened up. This was it. He told himself not to think about what would happen to his body as he collided with the hard cement several stories down from his current location. Thinking about how his body would essentially shatter upon impact… Hell, he would die of a heart attack halfway down if he were lucky. Jumping now would also keep him from prolonging the possibility that he'd regret this, that he would regret leaving Peter behind and that he would leave Peter feeling disappointed.
Shutting his eyes tightly, he shook his head before lowering it. He needed to stop thinking about Peter. He needed to stop considering how much he could potentially hurt Peter by ending his own life. One step forward would end it all and Peter wouldn't find out until he received a phone call from the Marshals. He needed to keep himself from thinking about the note he'd left on Peter's desk prior to coming up here.
In that note, he'd left his parting words to Peter. He left his declaration of love, his sincerest apology, and his regret that he had failed Peter. Tears began to slide down his cheeks as he thought about the note. He'd tried so damned hard to avoid thinking about it for this exact reason. Thinking about it made him regret what he was about to do and he was beginning to give himself a second chance at living life.
Unfortunately, he didn't really want to live in a world where the man he loved wouldn't reciprocate or acknowledge that love. It wasn't like he could force Peter to love him. The only thing he was in control of was his own life and he had enough control to decide as to whether or not he was going to take one step further to end it all.
"You're not going to take that step are you?" a devastated voice whispered behind him. He'd heard the door open subconsciously, but he didn't allow himself to react to it. "Neal, please," he pleaded. Neal's jaw set firmly as he remained silent. This was his decision—not Peter's.
"What are you doing here?" Neal asked him through his teeth. He was frustrated by the fact that Peter had arrived prematurely.
Peter took a few steps closer to Neal as he said, "I couldn't sleep and I was going to go to your apartment, but I checked your tracking data…" Neal sighed. "I just wanted to make sure you'd be there, but I saw you were here, so I figured you might've been working on one of our cases." Neal loathed himself for hesitating this long. Had he just taken that step forward, this conversation wouldn't even be taking place. "I went into my office and found your note," he said softly. Neal's heart stopped, he lifted his head, and his eyes flew open. That hadn't dawned on him until Peter said it. That was how Peter had figured out where he was. "Neal, can we please talk about this?"
Neal shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about."
The other man wished Neal could take a step back. He wished Neal weren't so close to the edge already—literally and figuratively. "Yes. Yes, there is," he said. "Don't take that step, Neal. I'm begging you not to take that step."
Had Peter not been begging, Neal figured this might've been easier. Hell, this would have been easier if Peter hadn't shown up in the first place. "As if my emotional state weren't questionable enough before, you've read the note. You know exactly why I'm here."
Peter made an affirmative sound to indicate that he was fully aware of the reason Neal had been brought to the edge. What Neal wasn't aware of was the regret Peter had felt upon reading the entirety of the note because he was afraid he'd been too late to save Neal. He'd been too late to save people before, but he never wanted to be too late to save Neal. "I know how much pain you're in," Peter said. He wanted to make sure he acknowledged Neal's suffering right off the bat. He wasn't going to belittle him or pretend his pain was nonexistent. He needed to recognize this pain so he could begin to help Neal.
"It doesn't matter," Neal whispered solemnly. "I'll always be in pain."
Peter shook his head. "You don't have to be."
Neal's back tensed, so Peter figured he'd said the wrong thing. "You don't understand how much this hurts." He gasped as the tears continued to slide down his cheeks. "You don't understand what it's like to watch someone you love be so happy with someone else."
"I think I do…"
Just then, Neal spun suddenly. He looked so angered and pained that it broke Peter's heart. "You don't know what it's like to love a man who could never love you back, Peter, because you don't love men." Peter wanted to interject, but Neal didn't give him the chance to. "I love that you're happy, but I selfishly wish you could be as happy with me as you are with El." He didn't hate Elizabeth by any means. She'd been in Peter's life longer than he had and she'd earned his love. He was just jealous of her for having the heart of the man he was in love with. "I've loved you since the day I gave you that damn sucker."
Peter gave him a sad smile and nodded. "As did I." Neal startled. He straightened up and stared at Peter confusedly. He didn't want to believe he'd heard Peter say what he said. "Neal, I've tried to keep my feelings to myself, but I can't help denying the way I feel about you now that I know you feel the same way." Neal stared at him in disbelief, so he knew he needed to keep talking. He needed to convince Neal that he was being truthful. "I fell in love with your eyes, your voice, and that smirk of yours. You were—and still are—one cocky son of a bitch, but I love that about you." He sighed and added, "I didn't want to tell you because I imagined you wouldn't feel the same way. I didn't want to ruin our working relationship by tossing my feelings for you into the mix. They still managed to sneak their way in from time to time, but I've tried so hard to contain them."
"You just don't want me to jump," Neal whispered angrily. He chose to believe that Peter was saying this to prevent him from committing suicide.
Neal shifted his weight and Peter's heart leapt up into his throat. He thought Neal was going to take that step before he had the chance to stop him. Fortunately, he was wrong. "Neal, I'm not just saying this," he said. He was trying to keep himself calm. There was no reason for him to be nervous because he was finally being honest with Neal. "Elizabeth knows how I feel about you and she's given me her blessing. It was always just a matter of whether or not you felt similarly, which I…didn't think you did."
"You can't honestly think I would believe your wife would allow you to be with me," he growled. "How stupid do you think I am, Peter?"
Peter extended his arm, holding his hand out towards Neal. "Please," he pleaded in a quiet whisper. "I don't want to lose you, Neal. I wish I would have told you sooner. Please believe me." Neal made no move to take Peter's hand nor did he even attempt to take a step towards Peter. Instead, he remained in the exact same position Peter had found him in. Fortunately, Neal had turned around to face him since he'd arrived. A face to face conversation was preferable than talking to Neal's back. "I promise I'll show you just how much I mean everything I've said to you." Neal shook his head and shifted his weight again. This time, Peter moved towards him quickly. He was afraid that Neal would jump and he wanted to do what he could to stop him.
Neal's brows furrowed as he asked, "What could you possibly see in me? Elizabeth offers you so much and I could never compare to her."
"You're right," Peter told him. "You could never compare to her because you are two completely different individuals." Neal wished he could read Peter's mind. He still felt like Peter was trying to keep him from jumping just for the sake of not having to fill out paperwork, especially since he would be present if Neal decided to take one step back. "I love you for reasons I want to tell you over the course of several years. One minute wouldn't suffice in this instance because there are too many reasons to love you. I'm afraid that there wouldn't be enough time to tell you every single reason." His eyes began to well up with tears as he considered what he himself had just said. He wasn't going to accept that Neal would end his life before he could stop him. He wasn't going to let Neal throw his life away. "You have a choice, Neal," he said hoarsely. "Your decision and your life depend upon a single step."
"Peter…" Neal's tears continued, especially as a few began to slide down Peter's cheeks. He didn't want to believe Peter's words…
"One step," Peter told him. "All of this could be over in one step or it could continue in another." He was still holding his hand out towards Neal, but he wasn't going to force him to step away from the edge unless he believed Neal was going to take that step backwards. He had to at least try to stop him. "One step, Neal."
One step. All of this could be over in one step.
Peter watched the other man anxiously. His hand never lowered for a second. It would remain extended until Neal made his decision. Peter just hoped it would be to come forward. He hoped his words were sincere enough to convince Neal that his life is still worth living…
Neal wasn't speaking and his expression wasn't giving anything away. He was clearly in turmoil, but Peter was grateful for the fact that Neal was thinking. He wasn't going to react suddenly. He was taking this time to collect his thoughts, to absorb what Peter had said to him, and to make his decision based on all of that.
It took quite some time for Neal to make his decision, but he eventually made up his mind.
He took one step.
One step—forward.
Peter's heart began to beat rapidly as Neal grasped his hand upon stepping off of the ledge. Holding Neal's hand wasn't enough for him. It wasn't enough to tell Neal just how relieved he was that Neal had made the decision to continue living. In a single motion, he'd gripped Neal's hand and pulled him closer, embracing him tightly—gratefully.
Neal's arms slid around Peter just as tightly and he rested his head against Peter's. Tears still slid down both men's faces, but they weren't regretful tears anymore. "One step," Neal whispered as Peter began to rub his back lovingly.
Nodding slowly as he pressed his lips against Neal's shoulder for a moment, Peter shakily said, "You took the right step."
It was a step towards healing.
It was a step towards happiness.
It was a step towards living.
A/N: I'm a little late, but September 10th was Suicide Awareness Day.
If you feel or have ever felt suicidal, please remember that you do matter even if you think you don't. You are loved. You are important. Your life is worth living.