A twoshot for the lovely KlainebowKlisses for being the 200th reviewer on my Niff fic Just Friends.
i have an idea where one of them is leaving for a couple of years to go to war or something, and theyre saying goodbye
I actually had far too much fun writing this :) Hope you like it!
He would replay that day a thousand times in his head when he was alone. Every single second of that day was committed to his memory, never to be forgotten in his darker moments of fear and despair. In times when depression would grip him tighter and seem to squeeze the air right out his chest, Jeff would hide away and just remember everything that had happened that day. He wouldn't let himself think about where Nick was now – that was too painful. No, he would just sit and recall the smallest details about that one day. The last day they'd had that wasn't entirely tainted. Together.
And the clearest part of his memory of that day was the coldness.
It was winter, a cold and freezing early morning that would have kept most people inside. Most sensible people. There was a thin coating of snow on the ground, crunching slightly under booted feet. The only place Jeff wanted to be was back at their shared apartment, shitty as it was, still asleep or just curled up under the covers with Nick in his arms. Warm. Comfortable. Quiet. Together. Any other Saturday morning, that was where they would be. Not this Saturday morning though. And not for a lot of Saturday mornings to come.
He wanted to say something but he knew if he did that it wouldn't come out right. Not when he was so close to crying. And as pathetic as that sounded, Jeff had known all along that he was going to cry – he just didn't want to. Neither had ever wanted to be the cause for the other's upset, but in this case it had always been inevitable. From the moment they'd met Jeff had known two things for certain.
One.
He was going to fall in love with this gorgeous, sexy brunette with the sparkling dark eyes and the infectious laugh, the ridiculous sense of humour and the quirky smile.
Two.
This boy was going to make him cry and leave him heartbroken.
So far Nick was two for two. It hadn't taken long for Jeff to fall in love with him, even though he'd been sure it would end badly. But by the time he realised why this was all going to end in a mess, it was too late – he was in too deep. And even though Nick had tried to stop him, tried to push him away and had warned him how this was going to end, Jeff couldn't stay away.
Which was why he was here now, walking through the cold snow on this freezing Saturday morning arm in arm with his boyfriend of six months, in silence, wishing they could be anywhere else but here. Not here, not now.
He didn't know how he was going to cope with this. When Nick had told him this might happen Jeff had dismissed it. It wouldn't happen, he thought. And now it had – it was right in front of him now and he couldn't ignore it any longer. It was starting to hurt, the pain in his chest raw and constricting. If it hurt this much before Nick was even gone, how was he going to cope down the track?
Nick stopped just outside the doors to the airport. A bag was slung over his shoulder while his other arm remained linked with Jeff's. The brunette twisted a little to face his boyfriend, hold slipping until they were separated and Jeff standing a pace away, staring at the ground because he couldn't bring himself to look up.
"I warned you," Nick said softly, and there was no judgement or malice in his voice – it was just a quiet statement of the facts.
"It doesn't make it hurt any less."
"You should have just backed off. At least then you wouldn't be going through this – I never wanted to put you through this sort of pain. I know exactly what it's like, waiting for someone to come home. I had to go through that with my dad all my life," Nick said, reaching out to brush Jeff's fringe away gently "I didn't want you to be the one who has to open the door and find out I'm…"
"Don't die," Jeff said suddenly, looking up to face the brunette. They stared at each other for a moment. Tears started to pool in Jeff's eyes and he blinked them away furiously as Nick put what the blonde supposed was a comforting hand on his shoulder, a look of sadness on his face.
"God, Jeff, I wish I could promise that. I wish I didn't have to go. But I do and I will do everything I can to make sure I don't die."
Jeff just nodded blankly, head too far away in memories to really hear what his boyfriend was saying.
He slammed the door shut before Nick could leave, facing him in anger, "Why are you pushing me away? What aren't you telling me?"
"Jeff, just let it go!" Nick shouted "Let me go! I am not going to put you through this!"
"Through what?" Jeff frowned, still confused "Nick, I have no idea what you're talking about. Please, just tell me. Why are you leaving me? I thought…"
He trailed off for a moment, voice hitching when he spoke again, "I thought you loved me."
The brunette swore and ran a hand through his hair, kicking the wall before leaning his hands against it, holding up his weight as he sighed quietly. Jeff could see he was fighting something and trying not to cry. When Nick spoke again it was low and hesitant, voice trembling.
"I… I can't do this, Jeff. I can't fall in love with you, I can't let you fall in love with me, and I know it's too goddamn late, but I can't…"
"What's wrong?" the blonde moved a little closer and when he put a tentative hand on Nick's shoulder, the other collapsed into him, pulling them both to the floor of their rented apartment. The brunette's head rested on the other's shoulder, shaking.
"I could be called up any time," Nick mumbled "Anything could happen…"
"Military?" Jeff asked quietly "You're in the…"
"Yeah. That's why I can't do this. I can't hurt you."
"You can't hide away from the world – from me – just because you're afraid you'll hurt someone. That's what love is all about – throwing yourself out there and doing your best. I love you, Nick, and don't think this is going to stop me."
"What happens when I have to go?" Nick asked, lifting his head to look Jeff in the eye "What happens then?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
Now here they were and he was baulking at that bridge like it was on fire. Jeff was rushed back to the present as Nick wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly, already shaking and they both knew it wasn't from cold, even if that's what they would say if someone asked.
"I should never have led you on," Nick muttered into his boyfriend's shoulder "Made us both think we could make this work..."
Jeff pulled back and took the other's head in his hands, making sure he was listening and focused on him before speaking quietly.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course."
"Have we made it work so far?"
"Yes, but Jeff-"
He was cut off by Jeff leaning in and kissing his cold, chapped lips. Both of them moved back after a few seconds – not only because they were in a small, homophobic, Ohio town, but because they knew they wouldn't be able to stop if they continued. They stared at each other for a while, silent because they couldn't really find the words for what they wanted to say.
"Don't ever regret us," Jeff whispered "Ever."
"I don't." Nick managed to smile "But I have no idea how long I'll be gone. It could be a long time, Jeff."
"Don't. Don't you dare do this to me. You are going to go out there, and you're going to fight, and then you're going to come back and I am going to be right here, waiting for you. Don't even try to tell me anything else. Just believe it." Jeff's voice shook and he spoke fast to get all the words out before he just broke down in a sobbing mess because his boyfriend was leaving and he might not come back but there was still a tremor that he couldn't hide. Not that he bothered to try. He needed Nick to believe in that future because if he didn't then Jeff didn't know if he could believe in it either.
The brunette was quiet for a moment. Jeff stared at him, eyes pleading.
"Please."
"I can believe that," Nick smiled hesitantly, kissing his forehead.
He glanced down at his watch as he stepped back, hitching his bag further up over his shoulder with a sad smile.
"I have to go."
A beat.
"Goodb-"
"I'll see you later," Jeff interrupted.
Nick smiled, "See you then. I'll write, I promise."
"I love you."
The brunette backed up into the doors, pushing them open. A second before he disappeared he nodded and spoke.
"Love you too."
And then he was gone.
Three months now. And still he replayed that moment in his head, over and over as if to torture himself. The others didn't understand why he did it; why he shut himself out from the rest of the world sometimes, locked himself in his apartment – his shared apartment still – and subjected himself to that memory when it hurt him so much. They didn't understand that it helped. It was a reminder of everything they had to live for, a promise of what they could do when Nick returned. It helped him believe in that future he'd come up with, the one he was desperately waiting on, where everything would be okay.
It hurt, but it forced him to believe, and that was what he needed.
This is actually a twoshot but with two different, alternate endings. The first is the ending I was asked for, and the second is the one I had in mind when I wrote the first part.
Please review!