There were times in my life where I wished my circumstances had been different.
Everybody does it. Some more than others, but I couldn't help it. I saw how it should be in my dreams, portraits, memoirs and tea. Unfortunately it can never be; not like that. Not how I see it.
I wished I could dance with her. Actually I wished for more than that. I wished I could dance with her, sing sonnets to her, kiss her, court her and love her. She was all I ever wanted. At the age of twenty she was perfection in my eyes. I had seen a fair few girls each of them ravishing, but she was a goddess compared to them. She wasn't perfect. She didn't smile as often as I liked and stress aged her tremendously, but overall you couldn't find a more elegant, peaceful and beautiful woman in the whole wide world. At least that's what I thought.
To my complete an utter dismay she was the girl my father had chosen for my brother. I couldn't bear it. He never looked twice her way. Treated her like a dung beetle. Couldn't he see her beauty! Intelligence! Wit! I would never understand his lack of affection for her when she had many fine suitors fawning over her, including me. Oh how I wanted her.
Instead my father had chosen a vain woman from a noble family who only thought about herself. I cared for her as much as she cared for me. It was an incredibly small amount I can assure you, but for some reason we weren't as bad as Ozai and Ursa. She loved him. She would dote on him and try her utmost best to get his attention. She was very rarely downtrodden by his rejection, but the times she was I was always there. I wanted to show her I cared even if it meant listening to her sob over my brother. I think even she knew then. Knew that he would never love her and that he loved someone else. Someone that was far to close by.
I never did understand why my father didn't swap the partners. It would have made perfect sense. His sons would have been happy, he would have an heir and plenty of grandchildren. Which was all he really cared about at the time. But alas he never did. I wonder if he actually saw what was really going on, but I didn't think so. I think he thought about it long and hard, but by the time he made his decision it was too late. We were both married. Planning families and preparing for war.
My only wish then was that my wife didn't kill my child in her womb. I knew she thought about it many a time, but I had a close eye on her. I also wished it was Ursa carrying my child instead. That she was my wife and shared my bed. She was the one that gave part of her to create my first, and sadly last, child. Imagine that child. A gorgeous baby for sure with its mother eyes and lips, my sense of humour and adventure even then. But alas, again, it could never happen. Never! Didn't mean I could still wish for it though and for the first time I think Ursa wished for it too.
There were many times after that were we seemed like the perfect couple. Little moments, when no one was around, it was like heaven. We completed each other. I never believed anything could be perfect, but we were. Even with my brother and wife getting in the way. Ursa loved Lu Ten like a child of her. She wasn't thought badly of either. The women I the palace always looked out for each other. Only this time Ursa was the only one kind enough to do so.
We both ignored the fact that my wife and her husband snuck off together doing Agni knows what. I know they never felt guilty for it and it was possible the whole castle knew, but I'll never really know. To be honest I felt a little guilty spending so much time with Ursa when I wasn't at war or in meetings. Its not like we did anything I assumed Ozai and Nagini did, in bed basically, we spent afternoons in the gardens watching Lu Ten chase dragonflies or drank Jasmine tea late into the evening discussing politics or reminiscing about Lu ten's first steps and how beautiful Ursa looked on her wedding day. They were good times. They made me wish Ursa was mine even more because even now we were perfect for each other, I still loved her with all my heart and know I knew she loved me too.
It was the times she leaned in very close to me, when she slipped her hand into mine on our walks or cradled Lu Ten with such care. We were made for each other, but fate meant we weren't allowed to be. Damn fate for sticking its oar in. I only hoped we could be together in Agni or in another life where we had children together; tons of them. I always wanted a large family and so did Ursa, you wouldn't believe the number of names she has lined up for her children her first girl will be Anya Caroline Rose, but Ozai didn't want children. Well at least not with Ursa, but that would put his betrayal out in the open and he couldn't do that for fear of being disowned and banished. And they would never give up their royal name or inheritance to the thrown no matter what. The only way they could do it if Ursa and myself suddenly died and they 'sought' comfort in each other and married. But it was the same for Ursa and I only they would throw Lu Ten into the pot for fun.
There were times when I seriously considered doing it. Imagine the problems it would solve. Lu Ten would have more confidence, I could become Firelord without any threat at all and turn the war around and Ursa would be happy. She was always happy with me as I was with her.
I couldn't have been more ecstatic for her, I really couldn't. She'd finally gotten what she wanted, after so long, she was with child. I couldn't believe it at first. I honestly thought Ozai didn't go near Ursa's quarters for love, how ironic, or money, he's a bit greedier than that, so when she announced she was pregnant I was slightly shocked. I didn't think to question the heritage, not then, but later much later I did when there wasn't much else to think about. Lu ten was so excited: he couldn't wait to have someone to play with. I was glad for him, my brother and Ursa, but here was a sigh of sadness coming over me. It was worse than when Lu ten was in his mothers womb, worse than their wedding day, worse than the time she and Ozai danced together and she fell in love. I wanted that baby to be mine. I knew Ozai wouldn't want it not one bit, but I did. I wanted that child.
Zuko. That was his name. A little unexpected; in more ways than one. He had been born prematurely, the labour had taken hours and I feared for Ursa's health, but then the doctor performed a caesarean to get him out. I was even more surprised after that. Zuko was tiny. He could fit in one of my hands so I wondered why Ursa couldn't push him out. The doctor said her body hadn't been ready for him and hadn't been able to stretch enough . It didn't matter too much anyway, but I was curious.
He was named by an exhausted Ursa who was already half asleep which explains why she didn't choose any names that she had talked to me about. She didn't really think of boys names just girls; she really wanted a girl. But out popped Zuko; another thing that was unexpected I knew Ursa would love her child, but she gave him a questionable name. I later learnt it meant something else in the cross nation language that no one had used for years. Maybe I should have seen it then. It was fate really that he was born on , the ignored, National Element day when fire, water, earth and air were created, at the hour the first avatar was born, midnight, and he had a name that meant…….