A/N: This is just a follow-up to confessions. Hope you enjoy it! This is in Dean's POV.
Disclaimer: I am not EK or the CW… Not mine.
More Than I can Bear
I leaned against the impala for the longest time, my hands trembling, and the tears just kept coming. I didn't hear any of Sam's comforting words, not the ones he said thirty minutes ago, or the ones he said five minutes ago. I was still aching inside, and there was nothing anyone could do or say to fix it. No one could make this right.
I finally brushed the tears from my face with my trembling hand when I felt Sam place a hand on my shoulder.
"Maybe I should drive…" He whispered as he watched me expectantly. I gave in, pulling out the keys and tossed them back to him; I heard the metal keys crash together in his hands. I couldn't move, or focus on anything, so I willingly let him lead me around to the passenger's side of the impala.
Everything was blurry, whether it was from the endless flood of tears, or my lack of paying attention, I don't know. I can't really remember anything in between what happened then and now. He must've gotten a room in some shabby motel, because here I am, lying on a rock hard bed, staring absent-mindedly at my hands, trying to hold it all together.
Neither of us had spoken since my confession. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to hide under the bed like a small child. I knew the silence was killing Sam, but I was afraid to speak for fear of breaking down again.
"Dean, are you—"
"—Don't…Please… Don't." I begged as I interrupted him. I would lose it if he asked me if I was okay. I was clearly not okay, anything but okay. I was broken inside. Sam just glumly sighed, knowing that I wasn't going to say anything else on the subject.
Sam walked over and sat on the corner of my bed while I lay there, now staring up at the ceiling.
"You won't even look at me Dean?" He questioned. I shook my head no as I bit my lip, trying so hard to keep up my composure.
"I-I can't…"
It barely escaped my throat; I could barely talk, still paralyzed by my own fear of what Sam thought of me. He was compassionate out on the highway, but he could have changed his mind.
"Why not?" Sam pressed, I could feel his voice rising; frustrated.
"Because I'm a monster, okay? The things I feel inside me… The images flashing through my brain… It'll never go away Sam! No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, it's trapped up in my mind forever!" I exploded, a new onset of tears streamed down my face. I gave up control, and just let myself go. My arm fell limp, hanging off the bed as I dropped my beer bottle. It crashed into a million pieces on the hard floor, the liquid oozing down in the carpet. I noticed Sam flinch.
"Dean I under—"
"—don't tell me you understand! You can never understand, and I can never make you understand… What I did… There is no forgiving it…" I murmured softly, and for a split second I glanced at Sam for the first time, and then down to the carpet.
He was scared. He was nervous, and panicking.
"I'm not the man I used to be… I'm an ugly monster who deserves a worse hell…" I rambled.
"Dean, look at me."
"No…"
"Dean, I said look at me." He whispered, his voice rising once more, and he inched closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. He forced me to look at him, and I gulped, finally looked him in the eyes for the first time in hours.
"W-what?" I murmured; my normal confidence and cockiness shattered. There was nothing but fear and nervousness. He just seemed nervous and worried for me.
"Dean, you are still the same man you were before all of this. You are still the same smart ass, cocky jerk that is my brother. The same smart ass that always looked after me and made sure I was safe, no matter what. You always had my back, and I could always count on you. That's more than I can say for anyone else."
What was he saying? Is he trying to me feel better?!
"Sam—"
"—No Dean, you need to take a good look at yourself, and really look. If you do, you'll see that there are more than hell scars and battle wounds. There's a soul in there that cares for his brother, and cares for people. A hero."
I rolled my eyes at him. I was no hero. I was a monster and a scumbag who wasn't worth saving. I watched as Sam sighed and gave up, going into the bathroom. I closed my eyes.
"You're wrong."
My eyes flashed open to see Castiel standing there, looking out the window. I scrambled to wipe the tears from my face. I would not show weakness around Castiel; I wouldn't.
"It's okay to show emotion you know. That is what they are there for."
I just shook my head. "Why'd you do it?"
"Dean, regardless of what you think, you deserved to be saved. Every one of God's creatures deserves to be saved."
"Cas—"
"—Dean, think back on what you have done with your life. Sure, there's been lying, lust, and gambling, but there's more than you realized."
My faced contorted in confusion. "What?"
"Do you know what would have happened to John and Sam if you hadn't been there to take care of both of them?"
I just shrugged.
"They would have died; both of them. Sam would have grown up, angry with John; full of resentment for making him give up his dream job of being a lawyer. They grew bitter towards each other, and one day John just couldn't take the loss of your mother anymore, so he went on a suicide hunt. Sam went shortly after, for revenge, but met the same fate."
"No, that wouldn't happen…"
"Do I need to show you?" He challenged. I shook my head no, obediently.
"Dean, you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. All of those people you saved… Not just your family; but complete strangers. Most people wouldn't do what you do, knowing the truth. Do I need to show you more examples?"
"So I made a few differences in people's lives, that doesn't make up for all of those souls I ripped apart in hell." I lashed out, trying to make Castiel see my point. It seems no one saw me for who I really was.
"No, that's the problem; you don't see yourself for who you really are." Castiel answered as he perceived Dean's thoughts.
"No, I'm the one who sees myself clearly. I'm just some miserable bastard whose life doesn't have meaning."
"Remember Halloween?" Castiel prompted.
"What about it?"
"I told you to get out of the city so that Uriel could smite it. You refused, choosing to destroy the witch and saving the town. You were a hero and saved over a thousand lives. You could just listened to us and left with your brother, but you chose to take a hefty risk for the sake of the town."
"So?"
I noticed Sam walking out of the bathroom now, frustration on both his and Cas' face.
"So?!" They both said in unison. I just shrugged. I would have made that choice no matter what.
"Dean, Uriel and I are angels of God, we haven't met many humans to defy us."
"I don't get what you're saying." I muttered. My head was pounding; flashing back images of what I had done.
"They were innocent souls that you chose to save, the ones you tortured weren't."
"Like that makes it any better?" I yelled, disgusted that Castiel had even suggested what he had.
"Dean, he's right, you would save an innocent life any day, that's a real hero. You have fought and killed evil things that deserved killing for years, and you're going to sit there and torture yourself for what you did?"
"They weren't…" I began, but I didn't finish. I looked away from Sam and Cas.
"They weren't what?" Cas questioned, but I knew that he knew already, he was just trying to get the truth out of me for Sam's sake.
"They weren't all murderers or rapists or pedophiles. S-some of them were just like you and me, s-some of them just didn't believe." I whispered faintly as I stared at the broken beer bottle on the floor.
"Dean—"
"—I'm fine! Okay? I'll be fine, just leave me be." I muttered as I sighed, trying to think of something else other than my actions, trying to feel something else other than the extreme guilt I felt, the nausea from the smell of their flesh as I ripped it off their bones…
"Fine." Castiel murmured and walked out of the hotel room, vanishing into thin air.
"Just let me help you, okay?" Sam questioned.
"You can't Sammy. You can't help me… You don't know how bad it feels…" I choked out as I looked back at my little brother one last tear trailing down my face.
"I'll get you through this, I promise." I heard him whisper as I laid down in my bed, trying to sleep. I felt Sam's foot – steps on the floor as he walked up and placed a hand on my chest. I'd never admit it, but truth was, the comfort that rolled off his hand on my chest was soothing. I knew he didn't judge me or what I had done. That comfort alone helped me drift off to sleep.
The End
A/N: This is just what I thought would happen. Hope you enjoy it, and I hope I conveyed Dean's self loathe and hate enough. Review and let me know! I made a small addition to the end.