All of Me

by ShenLong1

The wars are long over, Heero and Duo joined the Preventers. Not long after, Duo was killed in the line of duty. It's the five year anniversary of Duo's death and Heero is reminiscing and finding he can't take his grief any longer.

Disclaimer: I don't own the G'boys, I just borrow them from time to time and return them a whole lot happier ne? Also I don't own the song "My Immortal" either; it belongs to Evanescence and as such all rights remain theirs. Written for pleasure not profit. (Lyrics taken from A-Z )

Pairing: 1x2

Warnings: Major angst, death fic (already happened), Heero POV.

Rating: PG. 13

Summary: The wars are long over, Heero and Duo joined the Preventers. Not long after, Duo was killed in the line of duty. It's the five year anniversary of Duo's death and Heero is reminiscing and finding he can't take his grief any longer.

/ Indicates song lyrics. /

"All Of Me"

June 2004. ShenLong.

I stare dumbly at the microwave as it beeps at me, then push the button to open the door and remove the contents. I peel the plastic cover back, ignoring the warning to be careful of escaping steam. There's no heat here. All that disappeared the day you died.

I walk through to the lounge and sit upon the couch, balancing the still half frozen meal upon my knees and proceed to push the contents around the tray with my fork. If any of it makes its way to my mouth then I am completely unaware of it.

With a grunt I toss the mess that was my dinner into the trash and grab a beer from the 'fridge. Removing the top I pour half the contents down my throat, feeling my stomach lurch as the cold liquid hits its mainly empty interior. Grabbing another bottle from the 'fridge I take them back to the lounge and once more drop to the couch. Another mouthful and I'm gazing around the room, eyes pausing to linger upon the many-framed photographs decorating the sideboard.

/ I'm so tired of being here,

Suppressed by all my childhood fears. /

While this small apartment may once have been a home, the warmth and light that made it that way no longer resides here. All that disappeared five years ago, the day you left me.

Now all that remains is an empty shell, four walls with the heart torn out of it…

And me.

And I don't want to be here anymore.

/ And if you have to leave,

I wish that you would just leave. /

I knew deep inside that you couldn't survive your injuries, there was nothing I could do or say to prevent the inevitable from happening.

And so you're gone…

Just like that.

But when I stare around me… you're still here.

/ 'Cause your presence still lingers here,

And it won't leave me alone. /

Everywhere I look, each turn I make, each room I enter I cannot escape. You're there whether you know it or not

Pictures, clothing, furniture, personal effects - all still here - all awaiting your return.

All reminding me of what I've lost…

Of what I've become.

/ These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

There's just too much that time cannot erase. /

The pain in my heart tears at my fragile psyche every day. Although five years have passed since that tragic day the wound to my soul has yet to close.

Raw, open and bleeding; and it will continue to do so for nothing, nothing can replace what was so viciously torn from the fibre of my being.

The day you were taken was the day they took half of me.

/ When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,

I held your hand through all of these years,

You still have

All f me. /

I numbly shower and then lie in the vast, empty bed, holding your pillow close to my chest. The scent of your body has long since left the fabrics, the salt and wetness of the tears you once cried, dried up.

Now it's only my tears that soak the foam.

I remember holding you close, gently smoothing away the silver trails that streaked your cheeks when something upset you.

I remember holding you close when the nightmares came, talking you through them, fighting the demons that threatened to take away your sanity... and mine. Together we faced everything. I was there for you as you were there for me.

But now...

I have nothing but memories.

Nothing but the pain of loss.

/ You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,

Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind. /

The silence of the apartment chills me to the core. I can remember a time long ago when silence was all I wanted, all I was used to. To me there was no need for the non stop chatter that flowed from your mouth. I did admit that at first I thought you were nothing but a brainless idiot; but I soon changed my opinion.

The more I listened, the more I understood. Underneath that mask lay a man with an incredibly quick mind and many times you held me in awe with your ability to change tactics, come up with a new plan when the original was about to fail.

But now all I have is the cold silence. Willingly I'd take back every 'shut up' or 'be quiet' I ever said to you if it meant I could hear your voice again.

I can't function on my missions anymore, waiting for your order that never comes, the change of tactics that I never hear, the whispered assurance that you're watching my back. I know they are running out of agents to partner me with but I don't care.

There's only one partner I want.

And he's gone.

/ Your face it haunts my once plesant dreams,

Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me. /

As I lie, lost in the vastness of the bed we once shared still hugging your pillow to my chest, I try to fight off the sleep my body so desperately craves. Where once I welcomed sleep; I no longer enjoy that privilege.

Sleep. Once it meant having you in my arms all night, bodies curled around each other enjoying the dreams that were so pleasant, mainly because you were the star attraction. Now sleep only serves to remind me of what I've lost.

I still dream... You're still the leading man, haunting me as I know, even while unconscious that I can no longer wake to that smiling face, warm body and gentle touch.

In my dreams I hear your laughter, the light banter we once shared and as I wake I can still hear the echoes through the hollow walls.

Am I going insane?

/ These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

There's just so much that time cannot erase. /

I have tried to do what everyone has suggested and move on with my life; but I can't. They don't understand.

"Move out and get another apartment," they say.

"You need to get rid of all his things and stop torturing yourself."

"Move on, start afresh."

All well meaning advice I guess but advice all the same. Ultimately it is still my choice.

And I choose to stay.

Oh I've tried, tried to pack away every reminder of you, every knick knack of yours but I can't do it. Each object, each item holds a memory and each time I succeeded in vanquishing some of them to boxes, the wound in my heart would begin to bleed afresh.

To put away all of your things is to deny your former existence, to forget all about you and that is a pain I cannot deal with, regardless of the amount of time that has passed.

/ When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,

I held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have...

All of me. /

Each time I would pick up something of yours with the intent of packing it away, the memories would assault me again and ultimately I would end up with tears coursing down my cheeks and no one to wipe them away.

Later the screams of anguish would come, ripping through my tortured psyche and reminding me that there was no one to fight away my fears; not anymore.

For my fears had come true.

I was living them every day.

I'd lost you.

/ I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

But though you're still with me,

I've been alone all along. /

I know I should move on, that no good can ever come of this overwhelming grief that's eating me alive day in, day out. I've tried. God how I've tried.

Every morning I awake in an empty, cold bed. Every night I come home to a cold, empty apartment. I've tried time and time again to tell myself that you're really gone, that you will never walk through that door again, that your body will never grace our bed and I'll never hear your voice whether it be laughing, teasing me mercilessly, soft and quiet when contemplating something or screaming my name in passion as we both found our release in each others bodies and arms.

Everywhere I look, everywhere I go there are reminders of you and so while you may be gone from me in the physical sense, in another way you are still very much here.

As strange as it seems, somehow I knew this would happen. Every time I found a little happiness it was taken from me and so, over the years I tried not to care too much. But you could see through that.

I guess even though I still have my memories, I've always been alone.

And I hate it.

/ When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. /

Alone again I stare at the ceiling, the tears falling as they always do and no one to wipe them away.

I miss you, Duo.

So much it hurts to breathe.

/ When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. /

I'm too tired to fight the demons anymore, too tired to even try. Let them take me and do what they will.

I miss you, Duo.

So much it hurts to live.

/ I held your hand through all of these years. /

My head rolls to the side and I blink at the now empty pill bottle and half a glass of water sitting on the nightstand. For the first time since you were taken from me I feel an overwhelming sense of peace steal over me.

As the darkness begins to cloud my consciousness so I hug your pillow and photograph close to my body.

I can't do this any longer.

Not without you.

Through the haze that fogs my mind I see a hand reach out to me and eagerly I take it, recognizing your slender fingers immediately.

/ But you still have... /

A smile curves my lips as the darkness claims me completely. My lungs draw their last breath, my heart pumps one more time, then ceases to function and my spirit leaves to join with its other half.

For without my soul mate I have no reason to live.

From the moment we first met, I was yours.

/ All of me... /

Where you go, I go.

I am nothing without you, my Duo. In life and now death, you always did have and always will have...

All of me.

Owari