Rumor Has ED
Note: Inspired by "Rumor Has It". A new neighbor who has recently moved into Peach Creek has the ladies all a flutter. His name is Max Borders and he has taken every girl in Peach Creek out on a date. No matter where Max goes, a bevy of debutantes follows. The Eds are not happy with this development and want to find a way to evict Mr. Borders before the girls forget they even exist.
"Although love hurts at times, like everything else worth fighting for...it is a worthy cause."--Unknown
Chapter 1—Max Borders, The Bonvivant
It was getting close to Valentine's Day in Peach Creek and the Eds were looking forward to taking their girlfriends on a fun-filled afternoon to the arcade and finish it off with a romantic dinner. They were anticipating the kisses they would receive with the chocolates and flowers they lavished upon their dates. But when they met them with their presents. Strangely enough, no ladies could be found in their homes around the cul-de-sac. Something was definitely suspsicious, and the Eds had to find out what. They searched the entire area, finding no clues, nor any cause to the disappearance of their girlfriends. This was most assuredly not normal. Feeling dejected and useless, they all three sat down on the corner and sulked.
"I'm at a loss, guys. This isn't like Sadie at all, and I for one am miffed.", Eddy said, crossing his arms in aggrivation.
"Ed wanted candy. Candy good for Ed !", Ed said, not being coherant as usual.
"I am befuddled and confounded as you are, gentlemen. We can't seem to find the cause of our girlfriends' disappearances whatsoever.", Double D said, irriated.
"Rolf has seen this scoundrel. His name is Max Borders. Since he moved in the women folk will not leave him alone. He's a skirt chaser, I would advise you ne'er do wells to get off your kiesters and find your lady loves before it is too late !", Rolf exclaimed, shaking his fist in the air. He too, would be off to find where Max Borders was at this point. He couldn't be too terribly far away. It would be a long walk, but they had to resolve this problem immediately.
It didn't take so long as they had originally thought, but the boys of Peach Creek had found out where Mr. Borders was living. He was living in Cranberry Estates, the more upscale version of Peach Creek. They could hear ladies laughing and squealing with delight. It was unreal how upset all of the guys were but they were intensely jealous. How could someone old enough to be their fathers have enough energy to keep up with all of those ladies ? They didn't want to mull over details or ponder too much. All of them were now relying upon Eddy and his friends to develop a scam so clever that Mr. Borders would be packing his bags before he knew what hit him.
Chapter 2—Operation: Eviction
Of course, this scam involved Eddy's famous "el-mongo stink bombs". If anything would cause the bonvivante to scram it would be those gynormous putrid bombs. This time, they wouldn't make a mistake with it. They would aim it in the right direction and cause loverboy to run for the hills, forgetting he even saw the ladies to begin with. But the stink bomb wouldn't be the only part of this plot. Oh, no. The scheme was much larger than that. Since it involved all of the guys in Peach Creek, they wanted to get Max involved in a love polygon no man would ever want to be involved with ever again. He would be so confused that he would be forced into breaking up with all of the ladies. But one matter had to happen at a time, and all the events would culminate. In time, the guys had their parts rehearsed and were ready to commence "operation: eviction".
At the time, it seemed that Max was juggling the ladies with his charms quite artfully. Before he could offer his next debutante tea and crumpets, another lady was coming in to see him.
"Max, could you please explain to me what this is all about ? You were supposed to give me a backrub !", Nazz said, clearly irritated.
"Shove off, sister. I saw him first !", Sarah said, shoving her aside. Then there were other ladies who were fighting over him and he began to panic. Usually the ladykiller was laid-back but he couldn't explain all of his liasons and rondezvous and began to panic. Wanting to escape the ladies, he came outside and was facing down a huge Hindenburg of a balloon. However, this was no ordinary balloon. The guys had come prepared for the explosion and stink this puppy would leave in its wake, equipped with oxygen masks and all. When the balloon went off, the smell was unbearable. The ladies had run away, screaming towards their homes. Max Borders could hardly see.
"That settles it. I can't stand the stench much longer, and besides, those girls will rip me to shreds if they come looking for me again. I'm out of here.", Max Borders thought to himself while packing his bags. He had called a mover and quicker than you could say sim salabim, everything that Max had was put in a U-Haul and taken far away from Peach Creek. The horrid smell would stick around for a while, but it was worth it to rid the neighborhood of such a cad. Valentine's Day would have to be put on hold, but good things came to those who waited.
Epilogue
The terrific stench took some time to waft away but once it had drifted away, the air in Peach Creek was clean and clear again. Max Borders was no longer an issue. He had moved far away from Peach Creek and his new location was unknown. But all the better for life to return to what it usually was: beyond ordinary.
Each lady was treated to a fantastic day out in the malls and stores in the city and finished off the day with an extravagant dinner and flowers. Valentine's Day hadn't been a loss after all and there wasn't one person complaining. Even for some that didn't have girlfriends or sweethearts had been able to spend the weekend going out and enjoying the weather. It was unseasonably warm for February, but none of them were complaining. They knew weather, unlike their love, was fickle. So they had to enjoy the weather before it changed. Indeed, they savored each moment together, thanking their lucky stars they had been so blessed.
The End
February 6, 2006