What Happens When Royai and Alcohol Mix
Author: MoonStarDutchess
Oneshot Birthday Fic
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA but I am entirely responsible for the crack in this fic. . .
AN: Normally I would post a crack fic in my When Crack Bunnies Attack Collection but since this is a birthday fic, I figured I would post it as a separate story. SEVERE OOCness.
Neopuff wanted a fic where Roy/Riza/Maes are drunk so here it is, along with all the crack you can shake a stick at. . .
Note: No offense to Democrats and also the misspellings in the conversations are intentional so please don't correct me on those. . . you have no idea how many people don't get it. . .
What Happens When Royai and Alcohol Mix
Never let it be said that Roy Mustang's subordinates and friends ever half-assed anything, this included the tradition of getting drunk on New Years Eve. Even the serious, Riza Hawkeye cut loose and had more than a few drinks over her limit.
Obviously with all the drinking came random stupidity from all who consumed the alcoholic liquid.
"I believe that miniskirts are the key to world peace. If all women wore miniskirts all the countries would never have war again, they would be have sex almost allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time and therefore it would also handle the falling population issue."
"NOOOOPER!" Riza slurred happily. "That's no the key to word peace!" She sat her drink down on the table and turned to Roy. She narrowed her eyes. "I am the one with the secret to word peace!"
"Ohhh? Find Miss Smarty Panties, what is it?"
"PIE!" she chirped happily. Pie is the secret to word peace!"
"Pie? That's stupid!" Roy protested.
"Nah uh! You see, what you do is you offer your eni…in . . .enermie! You offer your enermie pie. Everyone loves pie so they will think, since you gave them such a wonderful treat you can't be that bad and they will not hurt you."
"What if they happen to not like pie?" Roy questioned.
Riza stopped her glass that was halfway to her lips. She shrugged, "Then you must kick their asses!"
"Leave the Democrats out of that!" Havoc slurred before passing out.
"HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ROY!" Hughes said, popping up next to him from out of nowhere causing him to jump.
"What is wif you? Do you have those telopotation abilities or something?"
Hughes blinked and then shook his head. "NAH, I don't have anything that begins with a Tel. . . Anyway, I've been thinking and thinking and thinking until my head hurts. I think you should marry Riza tonight while all your wonderful friends are here."
Roy burped and looked over at Riza. "Hey Riza"
"Yesum?"
"You want to get married and have lots of babies and maybe even some doggies?"
"I would but there's no justice of the pizza around here," she said.
Roy turned back to Maes. "See? There's no piece of pizza around here."
Maes grinned wickedly and pulled out a piece of paper. "I am a proud own of one of these my friend!" He thrust the paper into Roy's face. Roy burped again.
"Ohhhh! I see. . . Um. . . What is it?"
"It's a license to marry persons! Read it!"
Roy squinted and ran his eyes along the lines."
"Well? What do you think of it?" he asked.
"I think. . ." Roy started.
"Yes?" Maes said.
"I think. . ."
"Yes?"
"I think that I can't read that. . . It had words and stuff. . ."
Maes turned it so that he could see. "Whoa! It does!" he said then passed out, hitting the floor with a thump.
--
"Ross, do you like pie?" Riza asked a drunken Ross.
"It all depends on the pie," she answered.
"Pie in general," Riza said.
"Okay, no then. I like pie before it's eaten by a general," she replied. Before Riza could say anything else, the group heard a scream coming from the bathroom.
"IT'S A WORM!" Denny screamed. "A BIG ONE WITH TWO BIG ROUND EARS! KILL IT!" They heard a huge thump then another bloodcurdling scream, followed by silence.
"HEHE," Roy laughed, "That wasn't a worm that was his. . ."
"BANANA!" Riza yelped in joy. "It's the best pie out there for world piece."
"Would you kindly shut up about pie?" Roy said.
Riza turned to him and her lip jutted out as tears came to her eyes. "But I though you liked my pie?"
"I never said that. I said I would like a piece from you once. Not of pie either," he grinned then burped once more.
"But. . . But. . ." she started to cry even more making Roy quite alarmed.
He scooted closer to her and put an arm around her shoulders. "Don't cry . . . I like your pie . . . Really I do. I am just sober and don't know what I am saying. Let me take you home all right?"
She nodded and sniffed, her tears stopping.
The two got their coats and stumbled out the door.
"I think it's this way," he said. "This is the way I always go because of the little red lanterns that hang on the houses. I have a blue lantern on my house."
"But that's your house not mine!"
"Oh. . . You want to go to my house then?" he asked.
"Okay," she replied.
--
Riza groaned as she woke up the next morning with a major hangover. It took her several minutes to realize that she wasn't at her place, she wasn't in her bed, she was naked and that a set of muscular arms were wrapped around her waist. She turned in seat arms and jumped up quickly upon realizing where she was. This effectively woke up the man sleeping beside her and he sat up. He lifted a hand to run through his hair. "I feel like a truck ran over. . . He trailed off when he noticed Riza sitting beside him, the sheets pulled up over her chest.
"Riza!" he said, loudly, causing himself to wince.
She winced as well and muttered while holding her head, "Not so loud."
"What the hell happened?"
"I think that's pretty obvious," she said. "That is the last time I get drunk. I am swearing off alcohol for good."
"We. . . Had . . ."
"Yes," she said.
"Riza, I'm. . ."
"It takes two sir," she said.
Roy nodded and looked down at Riza's hand. "Why are you wearing my academy ring?"
Riza looked down at her hand and shrugged. "I have no clue, we were drunk after all. I probably thought it was pretty or something," she said, taking the ring off and handing it to him. Then she stood from the bed, taking one of the blankets to wrap around her. She walked over to her clothing, which was piled on the floor, and froze when she spotted a piece of paper on top of the pile. Picking it up, she paled significantly. "Oh shit," she said.
"What is it?" Roy questioned. He got up, slipped on a pair of boxers, and then walked over to her. He took the paper from her and then went as pale as she was. "Oh. . . Shit. . . We got. . ."
"Married, yes sir," she said.
"I don't remember going to the courthouse to get married," he said.
"Neither do I sir," she said. "But here the license is. Let me go home and get cleaned up then we can go and have this annulled."
She gathered up her clothing and started to leave the room but Roy's next words stopped her in her tracks.
"Do you really want to?" he questioned.
She turned to him, her eyes wide in surprise. "What are you saying?"
"He laid the marriage license down on the table and walked over to her. He grinned and took the ring he was holding and put it back on her hand. Then he brought his lips to hers softly. When he pulled away, both were breathless.
"I am asking you to stay married to me Riza," he said. "It was just a matter of time anyway right? I love you and I am pretty sure you feel the same."
Riza nodded and smiled at him. "I do," she said.
"So then, let's give this a try," he said.
She nodded and kissed him again. It was a weird way to get married but then again they weren't exactly the epitome of normal either. . .
AN: Hope you like it! Please review.