"All you knew was that life had lost its meaning the moment he had breathed his last."
When the person assigned comes to tell you the news, he is so cold, so indifferent that you find yourself trying hard not to wince.
"We are sorry to inform you that at around 3 o'clock this afternoon, your friend, Lee Hyukjae was involved in a roadside accident. Based on the police reports, a drunk driver swerved towards him on the highway and in an attempt to avoid a head-on collision, he tried to re-maneuver the car. Unfortunately, the car headed straight for the side of a mountain. He died upon impact."
You and the others spend the next few hours trying to digest the information but there is this something which makes you unable to believe that it is true. But when someone, Kangin, turns on the television, you see it for yourself on the news. And you are unable to deny it anymore.
You see his car, unrecognizable because of the damage and, despite yourself; you thank your lucky stars that you don't actually see him there because you know that if you did, you would probably lose your mind.
You don't really know what to do as you gaze at the others and see them crying their eyes out. You know that you are crying too, but you refuse to think about the reason why you are crying because you don't want to accept it.
Someone grabs you from behind and pushes your head against the crook of his neck.
"It's okay to just cry, Donghae."
By his voice, you recognize the person as Heechul. You don't know what does it, but soon you are sobbing in his arms and you hold him so tight, you know it must have hurt. But you also know that he doesn't mind because he is holding you just as tight while murmuring reassurances that you don't care to understand because you are too busy trying to stop the sobs rocking your body.
The next thing you remember is that you are lying on a wide, comfortable bed in a room you recognize as Heechul's. You stand up slowly and conclude that you must fallen asleep sometime last night and that they, Heechul and Hankyung, must have brought you with them.
Quietly, you walk towards the kitchen where you can hear someone moving. The scene you arrive to makes you stop in your tracks.
Heechul is leaning into Hankyung, his arms around the younger man while Hankyung has an arm looped around Heechul's neck.
You move back into a corner where they can't see you but you can see and hear them clearly.
"It hurts so much doesn't it, Hannie?"
"Yes." Hankyung had obviously been crying.
By the sound of Heechul's voice, you know right away that he had been crying too and was now on the verge of tears again. "If it hurts this much for us, I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts for Hae-ah."
You feel your heart lurch at that and you clutch your chest and cover your mouth to keep from crying out.
"Please, Hankyung, promise me that that won't ever happen to you. If it did, I would never forgive you. I won't let you rest in peace…" The rest of Heechul's words were buried in sobs.
And you know, without needing to see, that Heechul was now holding Hankyung in a death grip and you also know, even if you do not hear anything, that Hankyung has already made the promise.
Just as quietly as you first came, you head towards the door. You slip on your shoes and grab your coat. Then you open the door, thankful that it does not make a sound, and step out into the cold morning air.
When you put your hands into your coat pockets, you unearth a pair of dark sunglasses, your gloves and his bonnet. Willing yourself to not remember, you put these on because you really do not want to be recognized today.
You let your feet take you where they want to and you walk and walk and walk some more. When you stop and finally take notice of your surroundings, you realize that you are in that place.
The place has changed drastically since you have last seen it. In the middle of the space bounded by the yellow police line, there is a cross. There are numerous flowers and pictures of him littering the ground and making it look like a shrine.
But you don't see any of these—you don't see that simple marker, you see neither the colorful flowers nor the pictures—instead, you see the mangled wreck of a car: windshield shattered, body crumpled. You see broken glass and pieces of metal. You see blood on the pavement and for a brief, painful moment, you actually see him there—wounded and unresponsive.
And then you cry. You cry because you finally allow the reality to sink in. You finally accept the fact that he was gone and was not coming back. No more gummy smiles or playful teasing. No more hugs in the mornings or kisses at night. No more of the things you had cherished. You had nothing to live for anymore and in your eyes, life had lost its meaning the moment he had breathed his last.
You are on your knees now, crying out loudly. Cursing the heavens and the culprit and everyone you could think of and then shouting at him to just come back. You would have given anything just to be able to see him again.
After a while, your sobs quiet down but you remain kneeling on the pavement. You just stare at one of the pictures of him on the ground. The photograph was taken during your earlier days, when life was less complicated, when all of you smiled because you wanted to and not because you needed to. The photo managed to capture his trademark grin, his happy-go-lucky outlook and you can't help but smile through your tears because you had never really learned to resist that smile.
Someone clutches you at the armpits and raises you up. By the feel of his hands, you know that it is Shindong.
"Come on, Hae-ah, let's go home," he says, holding you against him. "Everyone's really very worried."
You wipe your tears hastily and try to smile. "Thank you, hyung."
The larger man nods at you and you notice that his eyes linger just a while at the cross and the flowers and the pictures before he takes you by the hand and leads you away from that place. It doesn't take you long to notice that for your sake, Shindong has abandoned his car.
And you feel grateful because you know that you aren't getting on a car or a train or anything with wheels, for that matter, for a very long, long time.
You glance back one last time at the simple cross bearing his stage name and you smile as you say a silent farewell.
"Saranghae, Hyukjae." I will always remember you.
A/N: This did NOT go out the way I planned.
Hyukkiee~!
Forgive Me.