Constant Agony
Our fathers are our models for god. -Tyler Durden
The first time he throws a punches at someone, it is not at Sam, as would be expected of their relationship, or against a bully standing up for Carly's honor as he so often dreamed, but more because he was just so frustrated with himself that he loses all sense of decorum and the world splinter's.
The world around him splinters with a slow cracking noise, before he realizes that the noise is not the world breaking, that it is just the mirror, and the image of the world is only cracked because he is in it.
So he steps to the left, opens the absurdly well-stocked medicine cabinet behind the mirror and cleans himself up. The sting of the pain from the water running over his wound is cathartic and it is almost laughable how easy it is to pick out the pieces of glass embedded in his hand. He fairly paints his hand in iodine and the pain medicine he takes barely helps but is still worth it because it takes the edge off.
But that is nearly not cathartic enough to release all his frustration, it is nearly not as cathartic enough that he feels the frustration bubbling up again, like some geyser powered by all his hormones and all the rage that he quietly locks away.
His frustration is not the momentary flash of the mixture of pain and sorrow and just that dash of anger that he is oh so familiar with, or the overwhelming monstrous rage and fear and just pure explosiveness that he so detests that it becomes a comfort and something he craves as much as Carly but the slow setting burn of constant agony that comes from the knowledge that he is unworthy.
That he is unwanted.
That he is not required.
That he does notmatter.
He realizes that he is being illogical here, for Freddie is in all things meticulous and even as he brings his world crashing around himself, he still acknowledges the fact that his frustration is not logical, that it is not fair to those around him and that Carly and Sam both are not really the one's at fault here. His mother is not at fault here, not after what she has been through and she only means well.
He knows, from day one, that the choice that he makes of living in constant agony is one that he makes for himself and that it is a commitment that he made in sound mind and body. And, as he feels his life flash before him, he realizes that he does not regret it.
He still thinks that living in constant agony of being friend-zoned for the rest of his life was still the best choice.
But as he dresses himself and covers his hand up , feeling glad that his mother won't question him wearing long-sleeves and gloves on such a cold day, that he also needs something more than this. He needs something more than the momentary pain, he needs something more than the despicably easy way how he disguises his injury, that he needs something much more real than this.
Leon Bronx was the biggest bully of the seniors', which was saying something, since it was an accepted fact that it was the right of the older kids to be more privileged than the younger ones. The boy, if he could be called as such, was as much a bull as he was a human, a genetic predisposition that was used by Ridgeway in every way they could.
Standing before the boy ranting about something related to the idiocy of coaches, Freddie questioned the decision he was about to make. He questioned his motives, he tried to map out as many outcomes as possible, and he questioned the validity of the action that he was about to undertake. He tries to predict the future and after realizing the fact, he smiles to himself, knowing again that his future-predicting abilities were abyssal at best.
After all, he had predicted that he would be Carly's second husband, never understanding that Carly would never even have a first.
Leon Bronx notices him smiling and regards it as a personal insult. He's been trying to convince the world of the fact that if the people in charge let him do what he does best, he wouldn't dissapoint. And then, this punkass freshman geek goes ahead and smiles at his protests, making him out to be a fool. Him. Leon Bronx. The best quaterback in the history of this damn school. And so, he gets in the freshie's face, pushing the kid back a few steps out of fear.
Only the freshie doesn't. He stands right where he was, making him more uncomfortable being so near him than he had hoped to make the kid. And he keeps on smiling that damn smile. And even though Leon Bronx is towering in stature, even though his muscles have muscles, even though he knows that he can probably take the whole freshman year on and win, that smile starts to creep him out.
It creeps him out enough that he moves back a step almost unconsciously.
The smile gets wider.
He takes another step back and the smile becomes a full-blown grin and the grin is too wide and has too many teeth and is feral and wild and unnatural...
He moves another step back and tenses his body to throw a punch, but the grin is still too much for him and so he asks,with as much disgust as he can muster because he's already starting to eel the inkling of fear in the back of his head,"Who the hell invited you here, creep?"
"Here? To the parking lot? Seriously, I need an invite to be in the parking lot?" And even though his question is supposed to be incredulous, its not because both of them that Bronx is not actually asking him why he's here but telling him to get out of here.
Freddie does not move because he knows that this moment is where things are going to made or broken. This is his test, this is his crucible. This is the part where he gains courage and throws off his fear ad beats down the bully and is finally free of fear
Only it doesn't work that way.
His feet are telling him every moment to get away from here, to run and never look back because he knows that everything is going to change after this, that he will be in pain for days to come after this, that this won't actually get him Carly and that it won't actually gain him any respect from Sam. And he knows that no matter how much he creeps out this bully, Bronx was still stronger than him by a long shot.
But he can't stop. The pain in his left hand reminds of the fact every second how much he needs to let go. How much it is necessary for him to fall here... away from the watching eyes of the people he knows. It is ironic that it is in the company of strangers that Freddie finds his freedom.
He does not appreciate or acknowledge the irony here and now. But he will. Not now though.
Right now, his focus falls on Leon Bronx, the bane of all students, the bully that frightens away all the new blood from joining the teams, the symbol of the natural superiority of the seniors over everyone and he finds Bronx to be ...disappointing. For someone who has lived near Samantha Puckett for as much time as he has, fear is something that can be ignored almost insultingly easily. And without fear, he finds Leon Bronx to be whining kid posing in front of his audience acting all high and mighty like a king while being a simple uncultured mongrel that does not understand the basic facts of life.
And Freddie finds it degrading that a creature like Leon Bronx can get so ahead in society. And that disgust towards society, towards people, towards himself are what empower him.
So, he steps forward, clearly challenging him. He smiles tightly at his enemy retreating at his very movement, tensing every muscle in fear of him.
His enemy looks around for support and finds none, because really, if seniors ganged up together to beat up just one freshman, one freshman who didn't even have Puckett's crazy rep, it would be the scandal of the century. It would less be a fight and more of a lynching. And they would lose any and all respect they could have ever hoped for.
If it was just one senior to a freshman though...
So he challenges Leon Bronx, king of his land in his own fortress of cars and asphalt, surrounded by his generals and troops, and hopes to any higher power willing to listen that his plan works.