Not so Perfect
Summary: "Lavi was to be my masterpiece." [Bookman Junior vs. Lavi]
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man (c) Katsura Hoshino
Rate: PG
Genre(s): Informative, emotional conflict.
Warnings: Spoilers for Chapter/Night 64. Bookman Junior's POV, slightly AU ("What if" situation). Very boring.
Author's comments: hey you, did you actually read the warnings? Because it's saying that it'll be boring. B.o.r.i.n.g. Long and boring. Why? Because you already know all this; it's just a clearer re-explanation of Chapter/Night 64 n.n;
I know that the Bookman Junior by theory has a superb vocabulary and an articulate way of speaking. I don't; I only just started on learning my SAT words -.-; not to mention I'm struggling with English grammar (evilly confusing language...!) so because of that, there may be some phrases or words that sound too common and/or OOC. I hope you can forgive me for it x.x Also, as mentioned, I use fanfiction as a way to understand story plots/characters better so the facts I give out here may or may not be the actual truth since it's all from what I'm understanding ._. If this fic sounds too biased then I hope you'll find it in your hearts to absolve my feeble attempts orz (oh, woot, I used a new vocab :D)
I'm also aware that Lavi IS Junior and not vice versa (yes, I'll admit that sirbartonslady has influenced me a lot n.n;), and also that I am in no place to say why and how Lavi became Bookman's apprentice so that's why I categorized this fic as slightly AU. I hope it's worth your time; I had hell a lot of fun writing this XD On to teh crappy (and boring) introduction~
Trivia: Initially, this fic was literally 4 fics rolled into one at one point and this chapter was to be the first chapter of those fics. In the end though, they all became fanfics standing by themselves (except for one which I've trashed) n.n; you guys know how I am with chapter ficsUu but I've come to understand, I don't have to deny myself from making chapter fics; I just have to be sure to write them all and later post them all at once -o- (duh.)
So if you want the LavixAllen sequel read "Back to Life" and "Until Then" :] But for you normal -Man/Lavi fans, you may continue on and I hope you enjoy this fic ^^
I've created, during the fifteen years I've served Bookman, different identities and personalities and used them as internal masks, always following the norms of Bookmanship without fail. I, being an active apprentice of the clan, took on roles like as though in a play and pulled the truth out of all I've met in order to record hidden history; a truth that only the privileged are allowed to see. Taking on such an important role has always been a dream for me ever since I learned of it. Years of experience had me become accustomed to shocking truths and I've learned to always expect the unexpected. But my logs then were repetitions of the same exact thing: of constant wars and battles between humanity. One can say that I've become too adapted to this constant bloodshed and discovering ever-present betrayals and/or hidden realities that I've become bored of it all. It happened right when I had given up on humanity when my master changed courses and we headed north, to the Black Order.
Two years ago, Bookman had told me that this log I'm assigned for would be different and that I had better prepare. His words were obviously a warning that this assignment wasn't to be taken lightly like I have in the past. Was I overconfident at that time? Or was I then indifferent, tired of recording the same purposeless human suffering over and over? Whatever the case was, I decided to do things a little differently; do something unusual to this typical banal assignment and change the dull routine. I decided to make my 49th personality special.
I created my new persona with extra consideration. As I did, I admit I held some excitement over Bookman's words; "Your next log won't be as easy as the previous ones," he had told me. "In the darkness of History, we will record the hidden Great War between Mankind and Akuma." His words gave me motivation to strive to do more, even though I was only expecting more of the same battles as before except I was to be directly involved and we'd be among the most elite of the society. His words always hold a deeper meaning behind what he actually says and I was able to tell then that this time he will be testing me.
"This log is going to be different."
I fully swallowed those words, and I decided to show my true colors. Give my all to creating a flawless existence. Just to prove him and possibly myself that I am truly ready to take on the role as the Bookman. I am the Bookman Junior, I'll be the exact replica or possibly more of the old master.
I developed a perfect fake identity, dubbed as 'Lavi' meaning 'lion' in Hebrew. Bookman was the one who assigned my new name; once again indirectly assigning me the type of personality to create as we made our way to the Order. The male lion, a seemingly active predator animal but not actually the one who hunts for his pride. He is feared by those who don't understand him well enough to know that he, in fact, tries to participate in as few physical fights possible. One might even say that he tends to watch his partners take on the hunt; watching, observing, studying closely as his female companions take on the hunt.
A suiting name, one that must come with a suiting personality. I was to assure that Lavi can convince other people that he is harmless, friendly, and overall trustworthy without directly saying so. He needs to be welcomed in the Order more than as an Exorcist; he needs to appeal to the Black Order staff to reduce the probability of having information held back if he asks for it. I, as routine went, had to create a personality that can form bonds with whoever I wish. Be it an anti-social person or a sisterly figure, I was to manipulate them by treating them differently than the others do. Yes, I had to create a persona that can achieve to indirectly plant these trains of thoughts on people no matter who they are.
However, gaining trust with hardly an effort is no easy task. This 49th persona was with no mistake the hardest personality to put together. I had to win the trust of any person without forming a too intimate relationship from my side; in addition to that is that it has to be done amongst people who does not trust any one within their vicinity since any one they meet can be a potential enemy. This isn't about gaining the affection of one person or a group of people with common thoughts and feelings, no. The Order is full of diversity and multitudes of people with different and exotic pasts. I need to be able to be within everybody's range without getting second thoughts from them concerning trust. As a historian, I know only too well that there is no telling what the future may bring and if there will be that 'some other time' to document events again. The exchange of information must be quick and effortless, that is why it is necessary to be such a person who can gather the facts without wasting another moment.
In the end, it turned out to be simple. Lavi has to be an optimistic person even during the darkest of wartimes, but realistic enough to show that he truly is an adopted personality of the man who will become the next Bookman. A man you can trust for all of his exorcist and literary abilities, but with an attaching character that one cannot shrug off (being the kind of person one can easily forgive or be appreciative for being so caring). Such an affectionate person, one may accuse, is going against one of the strictest rules of Bookmanship: to not have any intimate relationships with other people.
I can defend myself by saying this: being an Exorcist, Finder, or Researcher in the Order requires full concentration, so in a sense being a member of the Black Order follows the same rules as the Bookman Clan does. There is no time for intimate relationships; only feelings that would endanger even themselves by ending up having sorrowful feelings that can create more Akuma. It would only create Fallen Ones and weak soldiers and in the Bookman Clan too, love only spawns biased and sidetracked historians. Unsureness and doubt never come in the way of the Bookman; that is why love must be banished. Love creates true emotions and emotions aren't concrete. Emotions are unpredictable and treacherous. They are just hindrances.
Love, agreed by most to be the strongest human feeling in existence, is indeed a nuisance. Love only triggers multiple other unwanted feelings at once; sorrow, worry, jealousy, confusion, lust…It's an emotion that sidetracks you from your ultimate goal. It's an irritating distraction to people like the Bookman Clan who need to concentrate on their work and keep a neutral tone while recording history. One unfortunate mishap about myself is that I possess physical features that attract other people even if my eye patch does cause discomfort as well to most people (my past has proved this enough times). I'm aware of this, and for Lavi to have what some might consider to be a 'cute' personality with his affectionate ways and his outgoing character, it would undoubtedly lure strong feelings from others. Troublesome relationships with people is the last thing I need. For this reason, I've devised a unique personality trait that would turn all of that upside down.
Lavi is to be kind to all, but when it comes to attractive women he's a hopeless case.
That trait is the most important as it is the only part of Lavi that Bookman doesn't kick my head open for. It is a trait completely invented by myself; an idea of mine that makes Lavi a masterpiece. A masterpiece, I say, because it does nothing yet everything for me. I made Lavi be a hopelessly stupid man who 'falls' for attractive or older women; turning him into an obviously clueless boy when it comes to love and true relationships. It flawlessly turns down those kinds of unnecessary intimate relationships; precisely what he needs to contradict his overly affable nature.
Because who would want to be in love with someone who flirts with women who are obviously not in his 'league', as they say? They'd be a fool to fall in love with such an idiotic person who obviously doesn't know how to love the correct way. He is too outgoing to be able to solely consider his partner's feelings whenever he meets someone new. Not only for that, but because the Order will know that we are of the Bookman Clan, everyone will be aware that eventually Lavi will have to leave the Order when the time comes. Such a prospect is something that one can endure without sorrow; love is a powerful emotion after all. It hurts to love but not be loved back and if Lavi leaves that person forever, it'd be too a painful thing to try to go through. All things considering, loving Lavi would only be a waste of time and happiness. To love Lavi is to bring one's own downfall; they'd be a fool to even have the slightest bit of sentiment for that idiot.
So Lavi is the masterpiece that will convince Bookman to let me go further than petty wars that are just repetitions of themselves over and over and see, finally see the truth of the world beyond human wars and suffering. I am the heir to the Bookman Clan, I am a master of deception. For the sake of recording history, I've held this ironic and difficult lifestyle so that I can (figuratively speaking) see the world better. I threw away my initial name so I can be given the opportunity to find the ultimate truths of this world. I've always wanted to know more. Enough was, and still is, never enough for me.
I've read people's actions and the ways of this world. I learn and I learn and my hunger for knowledge is satisfied again and again; filled repetitively only to demand for more answers anew. The thrill of it all has become the very definition of my life. I've done this 48 times before, this time wasn't supposed to be anymore different. True that I might have become accustomed to this life, but it still does not quench my never-ending thirst for the truth. This 49th trial was just another repetition of exactly that.
'Lavi' was to be a fake personality like any other that I've created, but he was to be my ultimate oevre d'art. He was to prove Bookman that I truly am the perfect heir to the Clan and that even amidst emotional battles and equal Exorcists whom to befriend, no amount of time would cause me to break the rules and become one with a created personality. My ultimate goal was to prove that there was nothing that meant to me more than learning the truths of humanity and that I am able to turn away emotions and bonds as a Bookman. I am the flawless candidate, nothing can turn me away from my dream position.
However, after two years of being surrounded by kind people, I guess while I hadn't noticed, I was developing affectionate feelings for Yu Kanda, Lenalee Lee, Allen Walker and the like. I continued my fake actions, but sometimes I found myself doing things instinctively and without thinking about what my next action as Lavi would be. I found myself unable to tell from time to time whether my own smiles were fake or not. It was like as though their acceptance of Lavi even as a fake persona had encouraged him to be more 'real'. I'm just controlling him from the sidelines, but I know that if he were to be an actual person he'd yearn to be free and to be an individual person so that he can stay with these people forever. I almost can't blame him.
This is so amateur of me. Letting my character roam free? I know Lavi, he'd actually choose to physically train himself rather than study so that he can be strong enough to protect his 'friends'. But we are mortal and soon, some of them will die. It will be devastating but it will happen and when it does, his view of the world will go down with it. Especially as Exorcists when our lives are in danger day in and out, Lavi only knows and loves people who will inevitably disappear off this face of the world. What's to say would happen if one of his precious friends had gone? What would he do? What fatal mistake would he make in his distress?
If Bookman knew about all this, that he had silently mourned for Allen's supposed death after the Suman ordeal, that he had chased after Lenalee many times without thinking, offered his presence to Finders before for company, had even helped the Researchers to some extent by secretly rearranging their papers while they slept or were too busy to notice; all under the pretext that it really was for "the sake of the mission" and that he wasn't doing this as "Lavi but as the Bookman Junior", he would surely strip me of my title as his heir. I don't know how I can dare to convince myself by saying such idiocies. I can't even stop myself from actively blending into the environment like as though I belong there, as though Lavi is truly a part of the family. As if the Bookmen don't exist, and Lavi had always been his bright happy self without such burdens stopping him from what he wanted to do since the day he was born.
Perhaps it's my past that is feeding my subconscious to take over my actions instead of my objective mind. I had long discarded of my name and my family, turned my true past into another person's problems and not my own. But somewhere deep inside, I guess I hadn't thrown it all away. Somewhere in me, there's probably the smallest trace of a heart still living in my rejected past; the childhood I threw away. There is no child on this planet that could possibly live without craving acknowledgement, and it's without exception that the past of that child who had believed that becoming a bearer of truths will give him a high position over the world is haunting Lavi now. That past must be envious of Lavi's happiness and the acceptance of his companions. That past must be yearning to be Lavi's nonexistent past, to fulfill that infantile desire to be loved for what he can do, for what he is...
Perhaps that distressed past is myself. The heartless, neutral self is the result of that child's desperate belief that becoming the Bookman is the answer. And now he, and I too, wants to be free. An Exorcist. A partner. A friend.
As Lavi.
Panda's gonna kill me for this.