#01 – Walking: They've been wandering for all their life, never settling, never staying long enough to be able to call anywhere home – but when Castiel takes his hand and says his name like he matters – like he is the only thing that matters – the walking doesn't feel so meaningless any more.
#02 – Erase: If he could erase all things bad from Cas' mind, ease his pain and carry him through his agony, he would, but he can't, and so he does the only thing he is actually able to – he tells him never to change, that he needs him, that they're family and that he's good, better, with Castiel by his side, and then he relishes in the shadows that slip away from Cas' blue eyes, if only temporarily.
#03 – Wishes: Castiel is not used to having dreams and needs and wishes, and so, as his grace dwindles and the strengths and weaknesses of humanity fills him to the bursting point – too bright, too violent, too everything – he acts on them and embraces them and pulls Dean – Dean, his Dean, Hello Dean – even closer.
#04 – Wonder: Somehow he always manages to get out of whatever pickle he lands himself in – it's almost a wonder that he hasn't died yet (or more permanent, anyway) – but it has become a little easier with the angel helping them out with his mojo, Dean will confess to that.
#05 – Picture: He stands with the crumbled, torn picture in his hand, seeing the pale and serious faces of his dysfunctional little family looking up at him – Sam, Cas, Bobby, Ellen, Jo – and the sudden emptiness in his chest is something that cannot be filled with alcohol and drunken oblivion.
#06 – Fumes: "Dean, you need to sleep. You're running on fumes" the angel exclaims, his forehead wrinkled in a frown and with a hard set to his eyes, and Dean knows that Castiel worries and only wants what is best for him, but that doesn't stop him from snapping at him to piss off (and neither from making him feel horribly guilty later).
#07 – Wasteland: This barren wasteland is his future, and that bitter, hateful man who throws away the lives of his friends – of Castiel! – without a second glance is who he will become if he doesn't do what is expected of him – yet the "yes" is still selfishly stuck in his throat, and 2014 is sooner than one might think.
#08 - Whiskey and rum: Whiskey and rum aren't his favourite spirits, but that's what they have at the crappy little roadside bar and so that's what he orders - and in generous amounts - consciously ignoring the daggers his angel is glaring at the side of his face.
#09 – War: It's a war that they're fighting, and wars have casualties, Dean's fully accepted that, but when Lucifer snaps his fingers and Castiel explodes in a mess of blood and gore, Dean can't help wondering why it always has to be him who suffers them.
#10 – Love: To Dean love is a tainted thing – it makes people manipulative, resentful and downright pathetic – but then Cas comes along, ruffled trench coat and brilliant blue eyes and the faintest softness of a feathery embrace, and Dean is okay with it all.
#11 – Pie: "This is extraordinary" the angel says reverently before stuffing his mouth full with a comically huge amount of pie, and Dean chuckles and squeezes Castiel's hand beneath the table while Sam rolls his eyes and mutters about two peas in a pot, and for once, just this once, it's a good day.
#12 – Blessings: It's a mess of sweat and moans and sweet nothings, and Castiel is whispering blessings in Enochian just for Dean and drawing Angelic sigils across moist skin, and though they're piling sin on sin on sin, this is their Paradise.
#13 – Human: Cas is sleeping now, and he looks so human – purplish bags beneath his eyes, hair tousled and unkempt, trench coat looking more than one number too big on his slight frame (he's become thinner) – it almost hurts Dean to look at him.
#14 – Burned: The angel's crazy-blue eyes are glowing fiercely and Dean becomes suddenly, shockingly afraid – he's scared of Cas and it's so crazy that he would be, it's Cas – because when the guy he considers family hisses into his ear, "I've burned for you, Dean, and this is how you repay me?", Dean doesn't know anything anymore.
#15 – Breathe: He is lying on the ground - gasping, air hissing through his lungs in nasty coughs as a pool of metallic-smelling red taints the grass - and he asks him, voice breaking and white fingers clutched painfully tight around his, "How am I supposed to breathe without you?"
#16 – Breaking: When he looks at Dean, Castiel can see that he is breaking, and so he leaves for Heaven without looking back, since there's nothing he can do and he won't – he can't – be witness to his friend falling to pieces.
#17 – Faith: The angel sneers at him, "That's the problem, Winchester, you haven't got any faith" and the blood rushes in Dean's ears and he feels empty and useless, but then a voice that is so heart achingly familiar sounds behind him, promising safety and comfort, "Perhaps not. But he's got me."
#18 – Alias: "Han Solo?" Castiel asks, equally sceptical and amused, realizing the reference of Sam's alias after just having sat through a Star Wars marathon with Dean, "Seriously? How in the name of the Lord have you two managed to stay alive this long?" (he gets no plausible answer to this and did not expect otherwise).
#19 – Gun: "And we found the gun and shot Luther, you know, the vampire, and – you knew all of this already, didn't you?" Dean says, a slight frown on his forehead, but Castiel just waves at him, urging him to continue his tale, because the angel will never get enough of the way Dean's eyes sparkle with a morbid yet fond remembrance as he talks about their adventures.
#20 – Irresponsible: "You are so irresponsible!" Dean yells as he steps into the motel room after Cas, slamming the door shut behind him so forcefully that the thing groans on its hinges, "If Sam and I hadn't found you, you'd be… I don't know what I'd… Cas." – Before he can say anything more, though, with those sad eyes and trembling lips, Castiel has him pushed against the wall and is kissing away the protests, and life seems to short and too precious to fight about a ghoul hunt gone a little (very) wrong.
#21 – Quiet: Together they sink down onto the bed – it's not very comfortable, the mattress being too hard and the non-descript blue-ish comforter feeling very itchy against Dean's back as Cas looms over him – but that's okay 'cus Sam is gone out researching and the night is quiet and theirs, so they silently agree on making the most of it.
#22 – Quirks: As Castiel falls, the Winchester brothers realize that the ex-angel has a lot of small quirks – he sometimes forgets to do the most basic things such as eat, sleep and use the bathroom, he gets an uncontrollable urge for burgers and he loves those hipster movies that run on questionable channels in the middle of the night – and Dean can't say that he doesn't love every single one of them just a little bit.
#23 – Question: "Where were you?", the question stings like needles and pushes the air out of his lungs because it's all so unfair and how dare Cas ask him something like that when he ought to know that Dean always was, always has been, always will be right there to pick him up when he stumbles and carry him through it all.
#24 – Quarrels: They've had their quarrels but they're fine now – in fact, as Dean gently places the silver ring on Castiel's finger and his angel smiles at him blindingly, no precautions, no secret intentions, only pure, untarnished love, he has never felt finer.
#25 – Quit: Dean stares at Sam who stares right back at him defiantly, but he flinches visibly as his older brother hisses out through gritted teeth, "Cake is not the same as pie! How many times do I – never mind. I quit. I'll take my money and my Cas and we'll go have real pie" before dragging the reluctant yet smiling angel from the room by his sleeve, "And don't expect us back before dinner!" (then Sam is left alone with the offensive cake and he eats it, because it's actually quite good).
#26 – Jump: He's about to make the jump and just say the bloody "yes" – it shouldn't be this hard to save the Earth and humanity – when Castiel shows him that he is a force to be reckoned with and that Dean is so much more than just a vessel, that he is the righteous man and that he deserves to live just as much as anybody else.
#27 – Jester: The Jester has played another cruel trick on them, but though Sam is scowling and whining and cracking up his grade-A bitch face, Dean can't help the little gleeful and genuine laugh that escapes him when he sends the football sailing through the air in TV-land.
#28 – Jousting: He has the colt and he knows that entering a shooting match with the freaking Phoenix is more than a little bit risky, but secretly, even in the midst of running and cursing and hiding, he's still looking forward to their jousting like a little child.
#29 – Jewel: Castiel is standing with the little jewel gently cradled between his fingers; it shines and sparkles like grace, and he knows that it's magic and probably 12 kinds of dangerous, but the greenish hue of it reminds him of the color of Dean's eyes when he's happy, and so he holds it close, his secret to keep.
#30 – Just: Loving someone is difficult; tough, hard, hurtful – but Dean still loves Cas, and so he's just learned to live with all the bad stuff, simply because there are a lot of good things as well.
#31 – Smirk: The day Castiel learns to smirk (in the proper context and with the right emotions behind it) Dean is beaming and patting his back proudly all day, delighted to see the former angel adapt so well to human behaviour and feelings.
#32 – Sorrow: Future!Dean and Future!Castiel have something together – something strong, something harsh, something wrong – and Dean can see it and it burns inside and it's something like sorrow, because this isn't what they are and this isn't what they should ever be ("Yes, okay? Yes").
#33 – Sordid: There's a sordid glee in Cas' smile as he steps over the dead bodies of the werewolves he has just smited and falls down by the hunter's side, but Dean finds he doesn't care about the madness in his friend as Castiel embraces him and whispers away his worries.
#34 – Engine: At the most stressful of days, in the midst of a trying hunt which takes everything he has got in him to stay fresh and on his feet, Dean is like an engine – barrelling away, emotionless and efficient – and so it is only when he goes home (motel-home is still kinda home) to Cas, to soft hands and gentle smiles and clumsy attempts at making references and quotation marks, that he starts to feel like a person again.
#35 – Sarcasm: Castiel has no grasp on the concept of sarcasm, saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times, but Dean still keeps going, relentless in his pursue that is teaching his friend the finer art of being sarcastic.
#36 – Tears: The tears fall from his eyes surprisingly easy when taken into consideration that he has never cried before; but when he sees Dean lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, skin pale, fists loosened in surrender and lids closed over green eyes, being mortal requires very little effort.
#37 – Roleplaying: "Ready to engage in a little roleplaying?" Dean asks, the innuendo thick and heavy and unspoken in the air, and as he puts on the cowboy hat and prepares to leave for the Wild West Con, Castiel has to look down in order to hide both the blush burning hot in his cheeks and the smile twisting at his lips.
#38 – Sojourn: Every once in a while the three of them sojourn someplace that is actually nice, which in this case is a hotel with more than 0 stars, and they fall into a fixed routine: Sam goes to buy what they need ("Pie, Sammy!"), Dean crashes on the bed closest to the television and Castiel starts channel surfing, totally fixated on whatever catches his fancy (mostly pornos with poor excuses for plots), and it feels a little like coming home.
#39 – Share: They share everything - their sadness and their happiness, their hopes and their fears, their fragile little love story which they cling to with all their might, cares for like a tiny flickering flame, and Dean and Castiel live and they love and they share, 'cus they know little else.
#40 – Solitary: Sometimes the older Winchester needs to be a little solitary, but something has changed; he used to go drinking at some local bar when he required a little me-time, but now he can sense that Cas disapproves of this habit in his own quiet way, and so he has started taking long walks instead (because thanks to his angel, Dean doesn't need to drink to feel real and human anymore).
#41 – Nowhere/Everywhere: Nowhereand everywhere is their destination, and Sam is sleeping noisily in the backseat and Castiel is covering Dean's hand with his own and making odd jokes about goats (what the hell is that all about, really?) and Dean himself is humming a wordless tune, and he's quite alright with the car not being the Impala when just his family is with him.
#42 – Anime: Sam is cracking up his best dirty-diaper face, and even though Dean keeps insisting that anime is an art style and Hentai is a sub-category of anime, a blushing Sam still storms out of the room when Castiel in genuine fascination turns to Dean and asks: "Does Japanese sex usually involve tentacles?".
#43 – Nuances: Dean is rough and broken and snarky at his best, Cas is innocent and naïve and ever believing at his worst, and even though one shouldn't think that they'd get along with all those different nuances defining them, the hunter and his angel still only have eyes for each other and always will.
#44 – Close: It's not his fault, it's this new and ridiculous human-thing; there's feelings everywhere and his stupid vessel's doing a number on him with all its needs and hunger – good thing Dean's there to pull close – so very, very close – when Cas feels these certain urges.
#45 – Natural: It's not natural, this thing Dean and he are doing, not in the eyes of the other angels – freak, anomaly, the angel who fell from Grace – but though Castiel has never met his father, he does not believe it when anyone tells him that God would disapprove of love in any kind.
#46 – Forest: They say that sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees and that what is in front of you might be the best thing you'll ever have, and so, when Dean finally realizes this, he swoops in and grabs Cas by his coat collars and kisses him right there in a diner full of people and it turns out that what he needed had always been there, he had just needed a few couple dozen near-death experiences to see it.
#47 – Valiant: "A valiant little soldier with daddy-issues, that's what you are. You good-for-nothing idiot, do you even have an independent thought?" the demon with a name he can't remember (but who obviously knows too much about the Winchesters) says mockingly - Dean has gotten used to hearing those words even though they still smart, and so it is Castiel who with the harsh set of his jaw and the steeliness of his eyes tells the creature that he's crossed a line moments before he smites him with his angel blade.
#48 – Little: His mother told him when he was little that an angel was watching over him and when he grew older he scoffed at this and thought "what a silly thing to say", but now he knows that she was telling him the truth, and Dean has never been more grateful.
#49 – Victory: It is victory that is in the air when Michael in the shape of Adam stumbles into the hole in the ground, but as he replays his brother's soft words of "It's okay, Dean. It's gonna be okay" in his head, sees Bobby lying still – too still – on the ground and looks at the splatter of red coloring the ground where Cas and his catchy "Ass-butt" was, it is defeat that Dean tastes on his tongue.
#50 – Sunlight: Cas has never really appreciated sunlight, especially not after he became human; it's bright and much and scorching against Jimmy's sensitive skin, but as Dean takes off his shirt on a warm summer day and spreads out on the hood of the Impala in total abandon, basking like a cat in the golden rays, Castiel decides that he might like it – just a little bit.