Inspired by the lovely Beauty and the Beast story written by DarkHeartKeyblade over in the Doctor Who section. This is basically that same story except set in the Torchwood fandom and therefore with much more kink and gay. Oh, and crack. Lots and lots of crack. Crackity, crackity, crack. I don't own Doctor Who, Torchwood or Frasier but if I did Tosh and Owen would still be alive, Richard Hammond would be lined up to play 11, but not for a few more years and Niles and Daphne would've gotten together way before they did. All I have to say then is:
Do not read this story if you do not like:
1. Slash
2. Crack
3. Slashy crack.
4. AU fics where members of fandoms are mixed with fairytales.
You have been warned.
Scribble Number One
In Which Ianto Does Some Stuff
Once upon a time there was a castle upon a hill, overlooking a village. Inside lived a terrible monster who all the villagers were afraid of because he was a big head in a jar. Some people said he would eat you whole, others said that inside his jar was acid and he preferred to liquidise you and drink you like a milkshake. Anyway, it made people scared and nobody dared go up to the castle, not even the Avon ladies.
In the village lived a young man by the name of Ianto. He was the only Welsh boy there and so was looked down upon by the other villagers who had that ignorant view that he must be a sheep shagger. Ianto knew that that story only came about because in the days of yore it was illegal to steal sheep, but not to shag them, so if any Welshmen were caught stealing sheep they would claim to be shagging them and would therefore get off scot free. So whenever he caught the other villagers laughing at him, he would shrug and quirk an eyebrow at his own knowledge that made the villagers look stupid.
"If you're so smart." Said the villagers one day, after Ianto explained the story to them. "Then why don't you find a way to kill the big face monster man who lives in the castle on the hill?"
The Welshman frowned. "Well for one, his name is The Face of Boe."
The villagers looked confused.
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Okay fine, whatever. I'll kill 'the big face monster man'."
He set off up the hill towards the castle, whistling 'Anything Goes' as he'd had it in his head since the night before. He considered going back for his iPod, but one look over his shoulder showed him that the villagers were watching his progress rather than doing all the usual villagery things that they normally do. He rolled his eyes again. "This is bullshit." He muttered quietly. "Bloody crack fics."
Eventually he made it to the front door of the castle, where a huge ornate knocker rested on the thick wood of the door. The large brass lions head carved onto the front of it sparkled in the sunlight. Ianto regarded it for a moment and then rang the doorbell.
"Ianto! NO!" A shout rang out from down the hill. Ianto turned to see Adam, running towards him. He muttered something unbelievably rude in Welsh under his breath and rolled his eyes.
"OH IANTO." Cried Adam, as he neared the Welshman. "Thou canst do this! Thou art my heart!" He dropped to his knees and placed a hand on his forehead, as if he was going to faint. Ianto had put up with this sort of behavior from Adam, who thought he was Gods gift to the lowly village, for the past six months. He found it hard to believe that no matter how many times he rejected the blonde man, Adam persisted in trying to get the Welshman into bed.
Ianto counted to five slowly in his head and then turned his attention back to the door. "Piss off Adam." He said simply.
Adam dropped the act and stood up slowly. "Ianto mate, you can't do this. Who am I going to marry if you get yourself eaten by Faceman?"
Faceman? Oh dear lord. "I don't know Adam, perhaps one of the other people you've been courting for the last six months?" Ianto replied, staring up at the door and wondering if he should ring the doorbell again. A thought suddenly struck him, how does a big face in a jar move around? In fact, how does a big face in a jar answer a door?!
"They don't mean anything to me!" Shouted Adam, backing away as Ianto turned to him. "They're not like you. Come back down Ianto! This is madness!" With that he gave a shriek and ran off down the hill. Ianto raised his eyebrow slightly and turned back to the door only to let out a cry of his own and fall over backwards in surprise.
The Face of Boe stared out from the open doorway, his giant features twisted into a snarl at the sight of the young Welshman sprawled on the floor. Ianto stood up slowly, brushing himself down. "Erm. Hello there!" He said brightly, after a moment. He ignored the glare that he was receiving, and squeezed himself past The Face of Boe into the house.
Ianto heard some mumbled cursing and then started in surprise as the entire jar twisted round so that The Face of Boe was facing him. "Holy shit, that was cool." He breathed in wonder. "How did you do that?"
"He didn't!" Shouted an indignant voice from somewhere near the floor. It amused Ianto a strangely large amount to see The Face of Boe roll his eyes. There was movement from behind the jar and out tottered a small ornate clock and a candlestick, both which had faces. Ianto screamed in horror for a few moments and then quietened down.
"Okay. Continue." He said simply.
"Hello! I'm The Doctor!" Said the clock, cheerfully.
"And i'm Niles Crane!" Piped up the candlestick. "And yes, before you ask. I'm well aware i'm completely in the wrong fandom."
Ianto nodded and knelt down beside them. "So you move the jar around?" He asked.
"Yes they do." Said The Face of Boe, he quirked an eyebrow. "You're not afraid of me."
Ianto quirked an eyebrow right back. "Why would I be?" He asked. "I've seen the Ocado food lorry delivering to your house. You don't eat people, you eat food from Sainsburys."
"The Welshman is ever so smart." Smirked a new voice. Ianto turned to see a brown teapot, sitting on a table. It hopped down and gave the group a wry grin. "Oops. Am I too late to move Boeface?"
The clock glared. "Now Master, we're supposed to work together on this." He snapped.
The teapot gave something that could only be described as a shrug and looked nonchalont. "I make the tea, I don't do hard labour."
The Face of Boe made an exasperated noise, effectively cutting off whatever retort the clock was going to reply with. "Pack it in, you two." He growled. "Always bloody arguing with each other."
"We're frustrated." Said the teapot, pointedly. "All this pent up energy and nowhere to release it."
"Oh go make some tea." Muttered the clock.
Ianto watched the scene with an open mouth, wondering whether he would've preferred to have just been eaten as he walked through the front door. The teapot and the clock wandered off down the corridor, still bickering with each other. "What in the hell is going on here?" He asked finally.
"Give us a push into that room over there, and i'll tell you." Said The Face of Boe.
Ianto pouted and rolled up his sleeves, straining against the jar to move it into the next room. He was pretty sure he'd sweated off all his puppy fat by the time they'd made it in there. He flopped onto a comfortable looking sofa in front of The Face of Boe and tried to catch his breath. "You're heavy." He panted.
"I never used to be." Said The Face of Boe sadly. "You see. I was once a wealthy American captain. I had a body and arms and legs. I was also extremely promiscuous."
Ianto raised an eyebrow.
"One day," Continued The Face of Boe. "I was confronted by a woman who claimed i'd slept with her daughter, and she was demanding that we get married. I, naturally, told her where she could shove THAT idea and then tried to get her to come to bed with me. What I didn't realise was that she was a witch, and she put a curse on me."
The Face of Boe paused to allow Ianto to react. "Gosh," Said Ianto.
"I know." Said The Face of Boe. "Anyhoo, to cut a long story short, she turned me into a big head in a jar and turned my friends into the clock and the candlestick."
"What about the teapot?" Asked Ianto.
"He's not my friend." Spat The Face of Boe. "But he was with The Doctor when he turned into a clock and so got caught up in the spell too."
"Shit." Said Ianto. "Is that it?"
The Face of Boe looked a bit sad. "No," He said mournfully. "There's a jar that contains a hand in this house. Every so often, one of the fingers will close. If I haven't fallen in love by the time the hand makes a fist, I will stay like a big head in a jar forever." He paused. "And I really don't want that. I need to pee so bad."
"Huh." Said Ianto.
If you must flame, then please be imaginative in it or I shall have The Face of Boe head butt you. In the next chapter: Tea! Romance! Exploration! Drama! Mystery! Naked Ianto! Etc!
Reviews/constructive criticism always welcome.