Until Then
Summary: Lavi is convinced that their love can last. Until then, at least... [LavixAllen]
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man (c) Katsura Hoshino
Rate: PG-13
Genre(s): Fluffy angst. Some informative. Drabble.
Warnings: Laven/RabiAre/AllenxLavi. May be offensive to Bible-followers who are anti-homosexual. Semi-religious!Lavi in his POV.
Author's comments: If you don't believe what Lavi says about what the Bible says or doesn't say about homosexuality, look it up yourself cuz it's all true, folks n.n; just stating the facts here, please don't flame me for being factual ._. For once, I'm glad that the research I've done for a long-dead project served me well (coughthePromiseficcough). ha...it's so freaking hard to write T.T This fic is kinda weird; I kinda wrote this one with a blank mind ._. hopefully, through my blanked-stateness I was able to convey emotion well enough (though I would highly doubt it.) o.รณ yup. I hope you find some inspiration in this; that's my goal after all ;D
I can't hook off this glimmer of hope he embeds inside of me. I can't. I just simply can't. He tells me that we can make it through, we can keep it a secret, we'll be happy and in love and not even God can stop us because He's bid us to love each other. Trust me, Lavi, I love you for always but you'll have to trust me too...
I want to believe him, and I almost can. It's true that all He ever mentions about homosexual relations is that any two men who have 'lain together as they would to a woman' must be put to death as it is 'abomination'. All it is to God (or, rather, the Church who recorded this holy book) is that two men loving one another is purely revolting. But the hushed tales that there are hints of homosexual relations between certain people in the book overrules the concept that God would ever forbid any kind of love, no matter within who it is. Didn't the Son of God bid us to love our neighbours and our enemies? Allen is like that. Allen loves his enemies and his friends. Allen forgives, Allen cares, Allen loves. Allen Allen Allen. Allen is like God, his Son, the new Jesus, the new Holy Guardian and Angel of Earth. He's a Saint, here to purge all Sin and bring Salvation...
"I love you," and he puts his lips on mine and I hear the church bells ringing...
He repeats my name and I can't help but react with a few tears and a choked sob. He holds me. He presses his body over mine. A sense of understanding and happiness wash over me and I feel like I can trust this, the warmth he offers and his arms enclosing me like wings. If I can melt, or mold my soul through my skin onto his, I'd gladly do so. But I can only hold him back; trying to turn my self-pity into unshared guilt. I hope I'm warm as well, and as encompassing as his mismatched arms are.
I wish I can at least think that there's good in me being there in the same room as he. I'm only a part of the background watching and observing the world, I'm not expected to desire or deserve anything in return. Yet here I am, helplessly lost in his sea of kindness (and I also hope, I'm shy to admit, a basking of true love as well.) I don't need to find myself amidst his inviting soul to which I've entrusted my heart to, and I find myself not caring. As long as we have each other...
I feel selfish, lost in my own thoughts and not considering his pleads to let myself succumb to him. If he is able to 'slightly' alter his promise to his father to always keep going forward, but with the people he loves walking with him, then I should be able to do the same. I know how much he means to him and it would only be selfish on my part to let him break his lifelong promise but not my own.
And he understands. The only one who can understand that I can't easily let go of what I've been striving since so long. But he knows, too, that it's equally painful to deny yourself. He tells me that we'll live it up until the moment we would have to part. Up until then, we'll pretend we don't have the lives we've chosen to take. And when the time comes, my love, I'll still love you and we'll say goodbye with no tears.
I'm sure, all things considered, that I've lost my will to become a Bookman. I don't know where it went nor when it went. Have I thrown it aside along with my consciousness of the world's cruel reality? I must have, because I'm only enveloped in an intense heat as he encases me, my heart beating itself out as if to announce to the whole world that it does figuratively exist. I can only believe that reality is the room and who's there in my arms, and I can hardly fathom the rest of the world quietly waiting outside the door. There is no world but ours, nothing existing but his reassuring smile and my clawing desire for him. No thought or word is said yet we know through our untaught, unspoken secret language we speak only through the touch of lips that there's only us when we're together.
I'm starting to understand. This thing called Love forms an entire world created only for the two. It lets us forget the laws of this world and of God and the promises of our lives because it's only us two breathing and loving in that precise moment. We can do anything, and I feel encouraged by the silence. I kiss him, my chest re-blossoming and opening up to something strange and powerful. I know what I have done and there is no regret. I can only feel like I'm floating and no words sound coherent enough for me to explain the heavenly look on his face as I cup his hands and hold it over my chest, to where my heart beats solely for him.
I softly whisper.
"Allen, my heart was once void but you've touched it and now I feel as though fulfilled. I just want you to know, and I promise you, when that day does come when we will have to separate, you'll still be keeping my heart no matter what you say. Do however you like with it because I trust you and I love you, I'll always be with you for as long as you hold on to that for me."
I've become a completely different person. Those words formed without consent yet they feel right. He nods with understanding, and I smile. Truly smile. I had completely fallen for his trap of love, and now I am his and he is mine.
Oh, I guess I wouldn't mind. For now, until that day comes, our world will remain untouched and we'll be living for each other; our hearts beating harmoniously for the other. Until then, it'll just be him and I.