Hi all, me again. I think I need RDFFA (Red Dwarf Fan Fic Anonymous) as here I am again with another fic started.
OK this time, It's all about Kryten, I thought it might be fun to have a day in the life of Kryten. So here is the first few hours. Please review and enjoy.
Day in the life of Kryten
05:00 hours
System boot, and diagnostic check running…..
Status confirmed : Happiness 85%, Stress Levels 55%, Cluckieness 150%
"Cluckieness, oh my what's that doing in my status report, wait till I have a word with that Mr Lister, I only asked him to tweak my calm level down a snatch." said Kryten continuing to read the print out.
System repair advice: new eyes, neck socket, dust unit, left leg, right leg, upper arm, lower arm, right hand, left hand, head, back spine support, mouth, nose, left ear.
Kryten tutted. "No change there then, thank goodness." He had been ignoring the warnings for some time, having run out of spares some time ago, he just hopped that they would come across some spare parts soon. He continued to read.
System parts operating at optimum: left buttock and right ear.
"Oh splendid, good old right ear and left buttock." Said Kryten looking pleased and patting his left buttock like someone from a by gone tv advert for a certain supermarket chain in the early 20th Century.
He set the print out aside adding it to his pile, all neatly stacked and in date order.
"Now what did I do with that squeezy mob?" said Kryten idly.
A voice sounding very grumpy came from behind a pile of dusters.
"OY, you square head, yes you." Said spare head three waiting for Kryten to move the stack.
Kryten reached up and moved the pile out of spare heads threes way.
"Oh that's so much better now I get to look at your ugly mug, I think I liked the pale flannel of those dusters better!" complained spare head three.
"Well suite your self, I can put them back." Threatened Kryten lifting the dusters back into the air.
"Oh look at him Mr top dog, threatening a poor old defenceless spare head three." Chipped in spare head two.
Kryten put the dusters down again and turned to face spare head two. "Now, look here I don't need any of your lip today thank you."
"It's alright mate." Said spare head two looking over at spare head three. "When I'm top dog next month I'll tip you some nice hot oil."
"Ohhh lovely." Said spare head three pulling his crinkled featured into a twisted smile.
A small alarm beep emitted itself inside Krytens head. "Right well I can't stand around here all day I have chores to do." Said Kryten opening his closet door and stepping through.
"Typical there he goes, swaggering off to play with his human friends." grumbled spare head three.
Kryten shook his head and closed the door.
05:20 hours – Corridor B deck
Kryten walked down the corridor towards his laundry room. Derrick should have finished his nightly load and would need servicing. As he approached the door he noticed the white soapy water running out from within. Kryten frowned and stepped inside.
Soapy water covered most of the floor with Derrick the washing machine sitting quietly in the corner.
"Oh my, oh my, what has happened in here? Derrick what on earth where you up to last night?" Kryten questioned the static washing machine.
There was of course no reply from the simple service unit.
"Nothing to say have you?" continued Kryten grabbing his mop and bucked and starting to swish the water into the bucket.
Then Derrick did say something, or rather spew something out all over the floor. A further gush of water flooded from his door and within that water was one single brown sock.
"Oh I see, one of Mr Listers socks, I am so sorry Derrick, I completely understand. I did promise to soak them in bleach before even attempting a wash didn't I." said Kryten collecting the soggy but still highly toxic sock from the floor.
06:30 – Cleaning duty on C deck
Kyten having got the flood under control and dealing with the toxic sock made his way into the small cinema on C deck. As per normal the place looked like 50 polar bears had escaped and simultaneously raided the popcorn bar and being bears not grasped holding popcorn snack buckets and lost their loads all over the shop.
He tutted and set to work. While busy collecting Mr Listers toe nail clippings from the third row he head the familiar sound of the two Skutters enter, he looked up.
"Now, look here you two, I haven't finished so you can just go back to your duties." Said Kryten sternly. "In fact aren't you meant to be painting that wall in the Drive room corridor?" asked Kryten.
The two skutters did there best to not look guilty and returned to the exit.
07:50 – Drive room corridor
Kryten saw that the skutters had been here, paint still dripping from the walls. He really did not understand why they found it so difficult, after all a standard up and down movement of the claw was what they did best. He continued into the drive room.
"Holly, I'm here for our 8am briefing." Said Kryten.
Holly's image slowly faded onto the screen, he was still wearing his floppy night cap. "Alright mate, hang on a tick while I stretch my diodes." Said Holly.
"Anything to report on scanners Holly?" asked Kryten.
"Let me see, errr unless you count the blackness of space, then no." replied the dead pan voice of holly.
"What about ship diagnostics?" asked Kryten.
"Well you see I've been meaning to come clean about those Kryten. You know I have been saying all is fine." Said Holly slowly building to something.
"Yes." Said Kryten, not picking up on the inevitable something's not right here voice.
"Well it's not, in fact for the last two months it's been kind of dead." Said holly matter of factly.
"What do you mean dead?" asked Kryten.
"Well I've been trying to get it to boot and the dam thing just sends me a message telling me to call Service Support with this error code and when I call the number it answers tells me I'm first in the queue and puts me on hold forever." Said Holly.
"Oh, I see. Well does everything feel fine?" asked Kryten.
Holly thought for a second, he was pretty sure he did feel fine, well apart from that little hiccup in his sub processing unit that meant he sometimes forgot things. "Oh yeah fine, tickity boo me, you could enter me into the prime computers top 100 competition and I'd leave them sitting." Said Holly.
Kryten decided not to ask anymore system questions his worry level had risen ten fold in the last 30 seconds.
"OK, well I'm going to check on the supply situation in cargo bay 4. If Mr Lister or Mr Rimmer appear before 2pm please let them know." Said Kryten.
"Sure thing, just remember that is a newly released deck to be careful." Said Holly.
09:00 – Cargo Bay 4
The lift carrying Kryten jerked to a halt. Kryten looked out into the dim light and the hundreds upon hundreds of supply crates.
He looked down at his shopping list.
1 x Large frying pan
15 x Batch up curry powder
50 x wicked strength larger tins
10 x Bag of vac pack chicken
1 x Lettuce
He set off scanning the labels as he went.
Further off down the way a small Ball bounced down the walkway and into Krytens path.
"Oh my, who left this here." Said Kryten picking up the ball and placing it on a nearby create.
The small ball morphed it's shape and a sucker shot out and attached itself to Krytens head.
Kryten just had time to say. "Oh dear, I do believe you are a polymorph." Before klapsing onto the cold concrete floor.
Next time: More Kryten cores and other typical Red Dwarf events