Note: Okay, this is another one of my old stories that I'm reposting because I want all of my fics under one name. There's no slash, but Severus Snape does play a rather large part later on. It was so hard trying to write this without adding any slash. I even thought for a time that I might rewrite the end and make it slash, but that would take far too much work, as I'm really rather lazy. So this is it.
I'm proud to say that my writing has definitely improved somewhat since I wrote this. I mean, I was in about the eighth grade then, and I'm going into twelfth grade in August…I've grown a little, right?
Chapter 1: Return to Headquarters
Harry was back at the Department of Mysteries, more specifically the Death Chamber. Once again he was standing in front of the archway—the veil that Sirius had fallen through. If Harry had just gone and pulled Sirius out of there—
Suddenly the veil began to move, as if someone was standing right behind it, trying to get out. Then four figures immerged slowly. They were all glaring at him as they arranged themselves in a line before him. Harry's stomach squirmed with guilt as he saw the look of hatred and anger on Cedric's face. The same green eyes that Harry had inherited stared back at him, hard and cold. His father had his arms draped protectively on his mother's shoulder. Worst of all was the person standing next to James and Lily. The look of hatred and betrayal in Sirius's eyes as he looked down at Harry was unbearable. As he started to back away, his father's voice called out to him, angry and bitter.
"What were you thinking, saving Peter like that! He sold us out, the lying, traitorous, backstabbing piece of shit. And you let him escape and bring Voldemort back!" Then Lily spoke.
"I gave my life so that you could live. So that you could defeat Voldemort, and all these innocent lives destroyed is all you have to show for it! I should have just let him take you!"
"Let's both take the cup," spat Cedric. "Let's ignore the fact that this is the last chance for whoever-put-your-name-in-the-goblet to kill you. Yeah let's both take the cup, what a great idea! Thanks a lot, Harry!"
Harry's eyes filled with tears as he backed away from the angry voices. As Sirius spoke he froze, his foot accidentally resting on the dais in the middle of the room, making Sirius's voice get even louder than the others.
"I look after you! I break out of Azkaban to protect you from Wormtail. I risk my life to be near you, to help you, to be there for you when you need me. I couldn't have loved you more if you were my own son, and this is the thanks I get? YOU KILL ME!"
"I'm sorry!" Harry whimpered as the figures walked closer. He continued to walk away. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!"
Harry sat bolt upright in bed, drenched in cold sweat, shaking. He pulled on his glasses and looked at the clock on his bedside table. 6:24. Lupin and Tonks were coming at noon to pick him up and bring him back to Order Headquarters. That left him five and a half hours to get over that dream.
Harry had that dream a lot. That was one of the reasons that he had only slept three times during the last week. He'd always have different dreams all too similar to the one he had just had. Sirius hating him; Cedric blaming Harry for his death; his parents reconsidering the sacrifice they had made to save Harry...
Blinking furiously, Harry got out of bed and walked over to his trunk. He had barely unpacked it. He had finished all of his homework within the first few days of break to give himself something to keep his mind off of the huge amount of guilt that had settled over him. He had also cleaned the entire house, the lawn, the shed, his room. His trunk had been repacked almost immediately. Now he dug through the neat stacks of books until he found what he was looking for. He flipped through the pages until he got to the right page...
This was the only picture of his godfather that he had. The one where he was best man at Harry's parent's wedding. All three of them were standing there, laughing and waving. This time Harry couldn't help it was tears rolled silently down his cheeks. They were all so happy, oblivious to the fact that two of them would be dead within the next two years, and that the third would be unjustly confined to a cell in Azkaban for the next twelve years of his life. Not knowing that within the next seventeen years all three of them would die for the same person-famous Harry Potter.
Harry set the picture down on the nightstand and rested his head in his hands. How was he going to survive this? How did they expect him to ignore the gaping emptiness that was taking over the inside of him, like a black hole, letting no light out, concealed to a life of darkness as the star died. Sirius, the dog star, the brightest star in the sky, had died, leaving behind a giant black hole to slowly take over Harry, and he hated it. How was he supposed to ignore all that had happened to him last June, and still find the powers and strength within himself to kill and destroy Voldemort? How?
While Harry sat, trying to find the answers to the impossible questions, not to mention the strength to get up off the floor, the sun had crept silently up higher into the sky. By the time Harry could stand up it was 11:43. he had sat there for five hours, trapped within his own head. He finally threw the last of his belongings into his trunk and slammed it shut. He then carefully tucked the picture of Sirius into his pocket for safekeeping. Then he went downstairs to wait.
Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and Harry ran to answer it. A small smile crept onto Harry's face at the sight of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks., whose hair was still bubble gum pink. They looked relieved to see Harry as they stepped inside and closed the door behind them.
"Wotcher, Harry," greeted Tonks.
"How are you?" asked Lupin.
"Fine," Harry lied, who didn't see the look of skepticism on the professor's face as he turned to shake hands with Tonks.
"How have the Muggles been treating you?" she asked as Lupin went upstairs to retrieve Harry's trunk.
"Actually, I haven't seen much of them," said Harry truthfully. "I spend most of my time in my room."
"I don't blame you," she sighed as she looked around the downstairs. "I still think it's way too clean. Where are they anyway?"
"Oh, they took Dudley and his gang out for pizza," Harry told her as Lupin appeared at the tops of the stairs.
"At noon?"
"Yeah. Apparently this was a reward for Dudley having lost two hundred pounds."
"Two hundred pounds?" shrieked Tonks incredulously. "How much did he weigh?"
"About the same as a young killer whale," Harry informed her as he turned to Lupin. "So, how're we getting there? I doubt broom since it's broad daylight. Not to mention there's only two of you."
"No, we're using a Portkey, now that we don't have to worry about Fudge arresting us," said Tonks before Lupin could answer.
"Why not?" Harry asked. Lupin laughed.
"Come on, Harry. After all that they did to us over the past year? We practically own them."
"What about the Weasleys and Percy?" Harry asked. "Did they make up?"
"Sort of."
"What do you mean, sort of?" Harry inquired. Lupin sighed.
"Molly, Arthur, Bill, and Charlie forgave him."
"What about the others?"
"They wouldn't hear of it," said Tonks. "Percy's staying at Grimmauld Place. The twins, Ron, and Ginny refuse to speak to him."
"Great," Harry muttered, feeling guilty.
"Oh, look at the time," gasped Tonks. Whether she just happened to look down at her watch or whether it was to change the subject, Harry didn't know, because she continued. "We're late. Harry, grab this-" she held out the book Quidditch Through the Ages. "Good. One...two...three...go!"
For the sixth time in his life, Harry felt a tug somewhere around his navel.
Chapter 2: The Dream
Harry had to admit, Grimmauld Place was a lot different without Sirius there. It seemed much darker and ominous than it had before. Harry was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice the group of people walking towards him. Only when one of the redheads called out his name did he look up. Then he felt his jaw drop.
Ron, Hermione, and Ginny he expected. Neville and Luna he had not.
"What are you guys doing here?" Harry asked. He looked at Luna.
"I thought you and your Dad were going to go look for that Snork-Crumpled-whatever it was."
"We were, but Dumbledore wrote and said that he wanted Dad in the Order. Neville's family's here also," she added.
"Really?" asked Harry. Neville nodded.
"Gran and Uncle Algie agreed to take my parent's place in the Order," Neville mumbled.
Not knowing how to respond, Harry just nodded, then turned to Ron. "Are Fred and George at work?"
"Work? No, they're in the Order now too," said Ron darkly.
"What?" gasped Harry.
"Yeah. Mum didn't want them in it, but now that they've left Hogwarts, they can join. I wish we could," Ginny added.
"Are they in a meeting now?" Harry asked, just realizing that Lupin and Tonks had disappeared and left Harry's trunk behind.
"Yeah," muttered Ron. He looked around, then muttered, "Percy's here."
"I know, Lupin told me," said Harry.
"Oh," said Ron. "Look, I don't forgive him for what he said about you, you know, you being unbalanced and all."
"I know, Lupin and Tonks already told me. But I don't want your whole family split up because of me," Harry told him.
"It's not just about you. It's about what they said about Dumbledore too. And Dad," added Ginny. There was an awkward silence, which was broken by Hermione.
"So, why don't we help Harry get his trunk upstairs?" she asked. They all agreed.
As soon as they were upstairs Harry noticed a third bed located in the room he shared with Ron last summer. He turned to Neville.
"Are you staying in here, too?" he asked. Neville nodded.
"And I'm staying with them," Luna informed him, nodding to Ginny and Hermione.
"Cool," said Harry, for a lack of a better word. He sat down on his bed. Luna noticed the dark circles around his eyes.
"Harry, are you okay?" she asked.
"Yes," said Harry, a little too quickly. "Why?"
"It just looks like you haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately."
"Gee, wonder why," he muttered sarcastically, then felt bad, realizing she was just trying to help. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," she smiled.
"So, what have you guys been doing?" he asked, anxious for a change of subject.
They quickly informed him of the entire Percy situation. Then that Mr. and Mrs. Diggory had decided to join the Order now as well. Soon Harry found himself growing tired. Then he remembered that he had only gotten about fifteen hours of sleep in the past week. That reminded him of his dream...
He was standing in a dark room, completely alone save one man that was standing in a shadowy corner. Harry stepped cautiously towards the man.
"Hello?" Harry called. The man stirred. "Who are you?" Harry asked. The man turned around to face Harry, who screamed. Over his own shouting he could hear Voldemort scream one word, his wand pointed at Harry's heart.
"Dementomins!"
"Harry! Harry wake up!" someone was shaking him. Harry opened his stinging eyes to look into the concerned face of his best friend.
"Are you okay?" Ron asked him, helping him to his feet. Harry could see the others gathered around, watching him worriedly.
"What happened?" Harry mumbled, wiping cold sweat off his face for the second time that day.
"You were having a nightmare," a trembling Neville told him. "You screamed and then woke up."
"I dreamt about Voldemort," Harry whispered. Neville jumped and Ron winced. The girls remained still, all except—
"Harry-" Hermione began but Harry cut her off.
" I know it's not real. If it was real I would be standing next to Voldemort and he would have just used some kind of curse on me. I'm just saying that's why I—"
Harry stopped. He heard screaming. He was in another room, this time a deep red colored room that reminded him of Gryffindor tower. It was night, he could tell. Orange and black decorations were spread out around the room. A man and a woman were in it. The redheaded woman had a baby in her arms, her green eyes wide and fearful. Then her husband screamed.
"Lily! Take Harry and go. It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-"
There was the sound of someone stumbling from the room as a door burst open. Lily was running up the stairs, down the hall, last door to the left. The baby's room. Yelling could be heard downstairs. There was a crash, glass breaking, Lily crying—
Ron and the others stared as Harry's eyes filled with tears for some reason unknown to them. He was shutting his eyes, shaking his head with his hands over his ears. It was almost as if he was trying to clear his head of something—
"Not Harry! Please no—take me, kill me instead!"
"Stand aside, you silly girl. Stand aside now." The yelling and pleading continued for another minute, ending with a final shout of "Avada Kedavra!" and a burst of green light—
As the light cleared the scene changed. He was in a graveyard. A graveyard that looked all too familiar—
"KILL THE SPARE!"
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Cedric was lying on the ground, a shocked expression on his face. The face suddenly turned into Sirius's, who was falling through an archway, behind the veil, just hit by Bellatrix Lestrange's curse—
"Harry!" screamed Hermione. "Can you hear me?"
As Harry's eyes snapped open tears began to pour down his face.
"Did you hear that?" he gasped. "See it?" he inquired, earning more bewildered stares. Barely a minute had passed since Sirius had fallen through the veil when the whole sequence started all over again, the same as before. Except, Harry realized, he could see both worlds: the real world and the world in his head. He could also talk.
"Help," he sobbed, slowly sinking to his knees.
"Harry, what—"
"Make it go away!" he cried.
"Dumbledore." They all agreed. Harry leapt up and tore down the stairs, his mother's voice screaming in his ears.
Chapter 3: Dementomins
As soon as they reached the room the meeting was held in Harry slammed himself into the door. he was determined to make as much noise as possible, both to get Dumbledore's attention and to block "KILL THE SPARE!" from his ears.
"PROFESSOR!" Harry yelled as Cedric's blank eyes flashed in front of his face. He pounded on the door as hard as he could, tears streaming down his face as he watched Sirius die again.
"Dumbledore!" Harry shouted as loud as he could as the others pounded on the door. Harry tried to keep his voice steady, but as he was half crying that was impossible. The door opened just as Lily died for the seventh time.
"Harry," said a shocked Dumbledore as the room behind him went deathly quiet. "What the—"
"What did he do to me?" Harry screamed, grabbing onto Dumbledore's arm for support as he lost his balance at seeing Sirius die again.
"Harry? What happened?" asked a very concerned Dumbledore.
"I don't know!" Harry screamed over his sobbing mother. "I dreamt Voldemort put a curse on me and then, this!"
The tears continued to spill freely from Harry's eyes, the owner in far too much pain to even bother to act tough in front of the entire order. He sank onto the floor. Dumbledore lowered himself to Harry's level as he gazed in shocked at Harry, who was rocking back and forth with his arms around his knees as though he was a very small child.
"Harry, what's wrong?" he asked urgently as everyone watched, awaiting the answer. Harry just shook his head. "Harry!"
"Sirius!" Harry whimpered. Dumbledore turned to Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna, who, like everyone else, stared helplessly at Harry.
"What happened?" They shrugged.
"We were talking and he fell asleep. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days. Then he woke up screaming about You-Know-Who and started freaking out," Ginny told them quietly.
"He said he was seeing and hearing things," Hermione whispered.
All color left Snape's face as he got up and walked over to Harry. The concern on his face shocked everyone more than anything else had.
"Potter, did you hear the curse that the Dark Lord used in your dream?"
Harry nodded.
"Well, what was it?" he demanded, sounding more like his usual self.
"A mix between dementor and Legilimens," Harry mumbled through his tears. Snape closed his eyes, took a deep breath, opened them, and turned to Dumbledore.
"Just what I feared. He has been hit with Dementomins, the only curse that can be cast upon someone without the person actually being present. It is indeed a mixture between dementor and Legilimency."
"What does it do?" All eyes were on Snape, who seemed not to want to answer.
"It goes through your mind and seeks out the worst memories of your life and forces you to watch them over and over again," he answered simply.
"What's the counter curse?" asked Lupin, who had gone very white.
"There is none. The curse is designed to emotionally torture you, just like Cruciatus is used to physically torture you. It feeds, like Dementors, on your happy thoughts and feelings, leaving you with only the bad ones. The only way you can get rid of it is to get rid of the feelings associated with the memories. That is, feel the opposite of what you are feeling under the curse. This is a difficult curse to beat at the highest moments in a person's life. I'm afraid, seeing as how Black only died three weeks ago, this should be impossible to him to beat."
Half the room swore under their breath.
"Harry? What do you see? Tell us, it is the only way we can help," Dumbledore told him, turning pale. Harry looked up. When he spoke, it was like he was in some kind of trance, like the memories were forcing him to speak. As the memories progressively worsened, Harry's voice began to shake.
"I'm in a room, a red one. Reminds me of Gryffindor common room. I see my dad. He yells at my mom to take me and run. We're heading for the stairs at the end of the room. We're at the top, running for the room at the far left of the hall. I-I think it was my room. Crashes downstairs—my mum's crying—Voldemort appears! He yells at her to move, but she won't do it, she won't stop protecting me. She begs him to kill her instead of me. He won't do it—she won't move—"
Harry's eyes filled with tears once more, as did most others in the room. Harry found it was harder to watch if he was forced to tell what was happening as well, but he knew he had to do what he was told.
"He kills her. Green light everywhere and then—we're back in the graveyard. Screams 'kill the spare'. There's Cedric, I can see him, he's right there!"
Mr. and Mrs. Diggory held their breaths.
"There's Sirius! He's falling behind the veil—through the archway..."
Harry was now shaking with suppressed sobs. Dumbledore placed a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder.
xxx
Over the next month and a half they tried everything they could think of to help rid Harry of the curse. They found that if they gave him extremely large doses of dreamless sleep potion, provided by Snape, then the voices would lessen slightly and allow him to sleep. Dumbledore, Tonks, Lupin, Moody, the Weasleys and the rest of the kids were there everyday. Hagrid, McGonagall, Mundungus, Kingsley Shacklebolt, even Snape arrived regularly to help; not that it did much good. It seemed to be working some though, because Harry announced that the yelling had become a little lower. They supposed feeling cared for had helped some, but they couldn't get him to stop feeling guilty.
As August neared an end they faced another problem. Hogwarts would be starting soon, and there was no way that they could expect Harry to be able to concentrate. On the other hand, it would look very suspicious if he was not there. They finally agreed that Harry would return like everyone else, so as not to raise suspicion. Lupin, Moody, Mrs. Weasley, Fred and George would be accompanying them, seeing as Lupin was replacing Umbridge and the others were going to help guard Hogwarts.
Chapter 4: Some Very Unexpected Guests
On September first the group took the Knight Bus to King's Cross. Lupin stood guard over Harry, Moody over Ron and Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley over Ginny, which left Fred and George watching over Luna and Neville. They found a large, empty compartment at the end of the train and piled in. Harry sat between Lupin and Ron with the others spread out throughout the compartment. Soon Neville and Ron started playing chess. Hermione curled up with a book. Fred, George, and Ginny played Exploding Snap, and were doing so in such a loud way that it completely covered up the adult's whispering. Luna moved to sit next to Harry.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"For what?" Harry asked shakily; Sirius had just died again.
"For everything that you've had to go through. I wish I could do something to help."
As she said those words Harry felt a little better. The room in his head faded a little.
"You just did," he told her. She looked up surprised. Then her eyes widened.
"Harry, I've just thought of something," she told him, reminding him very much of Hermione. "What if we've been doing this all wrong? What if instead of trying to make you happy, we just try to make you feel something other than sad?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, wincing at Cedric's death.
"I mean, what if we just had to make you really mad at someone, or something—"
"I don't think that will work," chimed in a new voice. They both looked up to see Hermione standing there.
"Why wouldn't it work?" asked Luna. Everyone froze to watch.
"Because Professor Snape said that he had to feel the opposite of what he was feeling now. And the opposite of sad is happy."
"Listen," said Luna, losing her patience. "When you're sad you cry; when you're happy you laugh. Maybe laughing and crying are too similar, so—"
"Oh, please," snorted Hermione.
"Well, it's worth a try isn't it? I mean, being mad does dull the pain of things," Luna snapped angrily.
"Exactly, it dulls the pain. It doesn't make it go away!"
Luna and Hermione argued on and off the whole trip. Harry happened to agree with Luna, but didn't admit it. Then Hermione would get mad at him and it would undo everything that they had worked on that summer.
Harry tried not to look at the thestrals as he climbed into one of the carriages. He was followed by Luna, Lupin, and Moody. Harry didn't even look to see where the others sat, though he was pretty sure he heard Ron complain to his mom that he wasn't a baby and didn't need her to look after him.
People waved and called out to Harry as they made their way up to the castle. He forced a smile on his face and kept walking, whimpering whenever Sirius disappeared behind the veil. Students called out to Fred and George, who had become Hogwarts legends the year before. They beamed and started to hand out fliers for their joke shop at Diagon Alley, stopping only when Mrs. Weasley threatened to drown them in the lake. Moody earned himself stares and whispers, but nearly everyone in fourth year and above, who had had Lupin, stopped to wave. Needless to say, it took the group a very long time to reach the castle.
When they finally reached the Great Hall they all took off in different directions. Luna wandered off to the Ravenclaw table; Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville slumped down at the Gryffindor table. The rest joined Dumbledore up at the head table. The headmaster nodded his head to Harry before addressing the students to eat. Harry barely picked at his food. More to stop Hermione from glaring than anything else, Harry forced himself to eat a few bites of mashed potatoes, feeling angry with Hermione for thinking that he could enjoy meal while watching his loved ones die. Once again, the room in his head faded a little.
Up at the head table Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat. That was when Harry first noticed that he had completely missed the sorting. That thought was forced painfully out of his head as he watched Sirius die again. He barely heard any of Dumbledore's speech. Only when he heard an all too familiar "hem hem" did he look up, started.
Delores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge were walking towards the head table. Most of the staff and students glared. Dumbledore, however, smiled.
"Cornelius, what bring you here?"
"We wish to speak with Harry Potter," Fudge announced. "We have something to give to him."
The smile immediately fell from Dumbledore's face. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that he's not feeling well. Perhaps you could return at some other time.."
"Nonsense, he's right there. I can see him. Harry come on up here," Fudge called.
"Harry don't move," Dumbledore commanded. The Great Hall was still.
"Come now, what's all the fuss about?"
"He doesn't want to talk to you," said Dumbledore, which was true enough.
"He'll want to hear this," Fudge assured him.
"It's okay, Professor," Harry called, standing up and getting a hold of himself. "What do you want?" Harry asked bitterly, standing before Fudge.
"The Ministry of Magic is proud to present Harry James Potter with this Order of Merlin, third class, for informing the world of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's return," Fudge announced in a business-like tone, handing Harry the award. Harry took it and stared at it, unsure if this was supposed to be some kind of joke or not, trying to concentrate on that and not the continued pleading from his mother. After earning himself a behave-yourself glace from Dumbledore, Harry muttered a shaky, "Thanks."
"You see everyone," boomed Fudge, "this is what you get for telling the Ministry of Magic the truth."
That was too much for Harry. He slammed the Order down so hard that the goblets started to shake.
"Harry," warned Dumbledore, "behave."
"Fuck behaving, you wanna know what I got for telling the Ministry of Magic the truth? I get Umbridge sending two dementors to attack me." There were gasps from the crowd. Umbridge stirred uncomfortably, but Harry continued, ignoring the continuing gasps from his classmates. "Then I save me and my Muggle cousin from having our souls sucked out of us and what do I get? Expelled. Then I spend three weeks carving the words 'I must not tell lies' into my hand, writing it in my own blood," Harry shouted, waving his hand in front of their faces. Lupin and the other Order members leaned forward in their seats, but Harry still was not done. "I get kicked off of the Gryffindor Quidditch team for finally giving Malfoy a little of what he's had coming for the past five years; I get kicked out of Hogsmeade for giving an interview which you had your ministry buy back...then I have Umbridge kicking Dumbledore out, forcing Hagrid into hiding, sending McGonagall to St. Mungo's...you threaten me with the Cruciatus Curse and you make the entire wizarding world believe that I'm a freaking lunatic who tells 'evil, nasty, attention-seeking stories.' That is what you get for telling the Ministry of Magic the truth. Or don't you believe me?"
The entire hall erupted with cheers. Harry glared at Fudge as he stormed back to his seat, the room in his head dimming. He had barely taken five steps when his scar exploded with pain.