Chapter 1

October 15, 1839 (Tuesday)

[...]

Night fell.

He was walking down the gallery, illuminated by dozens of candles, to meet the Queen.

She was near the fireplace - in her light pink dress and with her hair decorated with gardenias - and she was looking at the burning fire.

When he cast his eyes upon her, his heart leapt into his chest and he thought: how beautiful she looks!

Victoria turned and looked him in the eyes.

- They said you'd like to see me... Ma'am.

- Lord M…

She hesitated a few seconds and then, as she walked toward him, looking worried about how he would react, she continued:

- I was not able! Now they will all scold me, maybe even you will disagree, Lord M, but I could not say something I did not feel.

She stared at him, expecting a reaction.

He stayed a little worried about what he was going to hear next, but he felt she was looking for his support for the choice she had made, whatever it was.

He noticed that the gardenias she wore could not be his.

- What happened, Ma'am? He asked in the soft, low tone he always used to speak to her.

- I was not able to ask Albert to marry me! I dressed this way for that, but I was not able to call him to my presence.

Here was the justification for the gardenias not to be his!

She was continuing:

- He's leaving tomorrow! I could not marry an arrogant man who treats me like I'm a girl and does not respect me by calling into question my own way of governing and even my relationship with you. He and I do not suit, Lord M!

William Lamb, in the deepest part of himself, felt a secret relief from the words he had just heard. She was not going to marry that German clockwork! For a while she would continue being just his. At least the way she had been until now, in the relation of friendship that they were maintaining, in the time they were spending together, in the daily conversations of endless hours.

He concentrated. It was necessary to say what would be most appropriate for the situation: maintain his position that she should marry and, at the same time, make her feel that she had done no wrong, so that he could dispel the concern she felt.

- I understand, Ma'am. I think you should propose marriage to someone only when you feel that that is the right choice. Anyway, other suitors will emerge. - He said.

- Thank you, Lord M! - Victoria thanked him, smiling at him tenderly. - I'm more rested because I know I have your support.

The next day Albert and his brother Ernst were preparing to leave for Coburg. Victoria came to say farewell to them outside the palace, next to the carriage that would take them.

- Goodbye Albert, I'm sorry you came so far without getting any results. But I believe you understand my position. We do not have much in common. - Said the Queen.

- Do not worry. I understand. Goodbye, Victoria. - Albert answered dryly, with the air of someone who feels himself despised, and got into the carriage.

King Leopold and the Duchess of Kent were accompanying Victoria in farewell. When they returned to the interior of the palace, Leopold walked beside Victoria, rebuking her for what she had not done:

- It's unbelievable, Victoria, when everything seemed so well advanced, that you didn't request Albert in marriage! The best suitor you could have! How could you, after he had come here with the best of intentions, decide to send him away like this?

Victoria felt pressured and invaded in the intimacy of her feelings. She wasn't going to admit that interference in her life, and it would be good if she took a firm stance on this matter if she did not want it to become a daily pressure. She stopped in the gallery, looked at uncle Leopold and her mother, and said decisively:

- I am the Queen of England, and I decide whether or not to marry, when and with whom! As of today, I will not allow anyone to speak on this subject again in my presence. When I think it's time to get married, I'll let you know!

And she continued to hurry down the gallery, almost running, leaving Leopold and the duchess standing in the hallway looking at each other while Leopold continued to speak:

- When, you can even decide, with whom, it will be more difficult!

Victoria entered the bedroom and closed the door. She wanted to be alone and she wanted to cry. The pressure of the last days had been intense. It had been doubly terrible, being forced to marry someone she did not love, and worse than that, when she loved hopelessly someone she could not have. She had felt almost as if she were being condemned to a death sentence, waiting for the final moment, until the sentence had been commuted, and then by her herself, by being able to withstand the pressure and not ask Albert to marry her. She remembered how thwarted she had felt when she had combed and dressed to make the request that everyone had longed for, but she did not want to do. She threw herself onto the bed and began to cry, softly, so that no one would hear. Dash jumped up onto the bed and came to lick her face. She grabbed the dog and lay on her back, looking at the curtains of the canopy.

If William corresponded to what I feel for him…- She thought.

In the scullery, the bets of the servants, on whom the queen would marry, were all without effect. She was not going to marry the Russian, on whom the dresser Jenkins had wagered; nor with the English, the bet of the butler Penge; nor with the German on whom the cook Francatelli had bet. Since Skerrett had not bet on anyone, it did not affect her. She just thought that the only person the Queen really liked was Lord Melbourne!

That morning, Victoria, already tranquil, put on her light blue dress, brought by Mrs. Jenkins, asked the dresser Skerrett to put flowers in her hair, to match, and ordered Melbourne to be summoned.

Anticipation! It was the name of this waiting time when she knew he was coming in at any moment. It was distressing and wonderful at the same time! She was anxious for him to arrive quickly, but, at the same time, this time of waiting was filled with the pleasure of anticipation. The expectation was delicious; it caused a boiling inside her!

He arrived and hurried to the presence of the Queen, who was waiting in the piano room, near three large windows through which the morning light was entering.

- Forgive me for being late, Ma'am. We do not usually meet so soon. - He said as he walked across the room to her, knelt down, and kissed her hand.

He was going to take her hand as he had done so many times. It was a simple gesture that had become commonplace. But it was the only way she could have daily physical contact with him. However, it was so fast, so fleeting... Yet, she always was striving to measure, in those seconds, whether he had held her hand for a longer time, or if the intensity or duration of the touch of the lips had been greater... Afterwards, in the evening she would record the impressions of this morning in her diary.

She was near one of the windows and Melbourne noticed how the light crept over the right side of her face making it even more beautiful.

- Lord M, yesterday I made a very important decision. - Said the Queen.

- Yes, Ma'am…? - He asked, at the same time that he felt a slight shudder inside and hoped to know what she would say next. He had already been confronted with her unpredictability, which favored her to appear unexpectedly or to have her call urgently to communicate information that normally required his ability to disguise his own feelings.

- I'm not getting married! - Victoria affirmed in a very peremptory way.

- No? Melbourne asked in surprise. Although they both had already talked over this option, he wanted to believe that his power of persuasion had convinced her that she should marry. Although he already knew that she was not going to do it with Albert, he thought that, in time, another opportunity would come to her.

- No, I'm going to live alone for the rest of my life. After all, as you yourself told me, not all Queens marry. - She continued.

- But we had already considered that the best for you, Ma'am, was to have someone by your side ... - He still tried to argue.

- Let's not go back to that conversation, Lord M! - She interrupted as she moved a little to the right side of him.

- It's worn out and it does not convince me. - She finished.

- Sorry, Ma'am! - Melbourne exclaimed as he turned to the right, toward her.

- But your mother and your uncle already know that? - He asked.

- No! And I am counting on you not to tell them. – Victoria stated.

- For me, Ma'am, you can rest assured. But they will not give up on that idea.

-They will, yes, for now. I told them I needed time and that when I am ready to get married I'll communicate that desire. Until then, I've put the subject on hold. Actually, however, deep down I have no intention of ever marrying.

- I see. - Concluded Melbourne.

Then she remembered something else and to change the subject said:

- Ah, Lord M... I have a request for a marriage permit to be dispatched from your foreign secretary of state, Viscount Palmerston ... I believe the bride, Lady Emily Lamb, is your sister, correct?

- Oh, yes, Ma'am.

- And what shall I do? Do you think I can authorize it?

- I think so. I and my brother Frederick have not looked kindly on this relationship because they were ... lovers ... But now she's been a widow, ever since Lord Cowper died, in 1837. In principle Palmerston is not the best choice because he's been a womanizer ... Frederick isn't favorable to marriage too, but I... My brothers and I have a close relationship even if they did not have a good relationship with my wife. The reasons were obvious...

-Very well, it will be granted.

In the face of such a firm attitude that she did not want to get married, Melbourne did not have the courage to remind her again that he could not be her Prime Minister forever. She did not want to hear him say it. But now she was putting him in an even more difficult position. He would not be able to stop giving advice to her, which he had hoped a husband would do. Furthermore, this would require the continuity of the daily relationship which, although extraordinarily pleasant, was a risk that he was running ...

Her youth and freshness enchanted him. He liked this position of confidant and advisor to her, to know that he was the person closest to Victoria. Besides, this placement was making it possible for him to know what she thought and what she felt. He hoped that this advantage would allow him to avoid things ever going out of control.

No relationship could be more fascinating than the one he had with the Queen. Probably no other man before him had filled the place he occupied in the life of a girl/ woman with whom he had no blood ties and to whom he was not bound by marriage, but who was at the same time his Queen, his pupil, his friend ... And who could be his daughter or ... his wife ...

Leopold considered he wasn't doing anything in England; his mission to marry his nephew Albert with Victoria had failed. It was best to go back to Belgium.

He went to say goodbye to Victoria who was sitting at the piano, pretending to be busy with something that gave her an excuse not to look at him.

- Victoria, my dear, it is time for my departure. You will not go outside and say goodbye to me?

- I'm very busy, you see ... but I wish you a good trip. - She answered dryly.

- Thank you. I wish you luck in your mission to govern England alone, even if this condition can not be dragged for a long time... I will be attentive to your reign and the possible choices of a consort...

- The king left, and Victoria sighed and closed the piano!