AN: My first English-language fanfic. Please read and leave me some feedback, so that I may improve. Also, special thanks to EagleTsubasa for being an awesome Beta Reader! TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, self-harm and depression.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!, or anything at all for that matter.
Sunrise
Silence.
I'm surrounded by silence.
It is as if the world itself has ceased to exist, but I know that it hasn't, unfortunately.
If it had, there would be one less problem for me to worry about. A rather big one, at that. Sadly, it's not going to happen. The universe will not suddenly fall into non-existence just to spare me this fate.
This I know for sure. In fact, I've known it for a very long time, and yet, I had hope...
Hope.
I should've stopped having hope a long time ago, but old habits die hard, I guess. Habits are one of humanity's eternal vices. Many things would be easier if we stopped clinging to our habits. Why is it so hard for people to change?
Simple: because they're not honest with themselves. Honesty is a rare sight these days, and it's getting worse and worse with every passing day.
I can live with that, though. Everyone does. Everyone puts up with it, lives with it, is annoyed by it. Everyone contributes to the problem. Everyone hates it, but nobody tries to fix it. Such is humanity.
However, I'm no exception. No one is. Those who claim to be different are telling lies, thereby further infringing on the concept of honesty. It's an eternal vicious circle, like a vortex that spins faster and faster, towards destruction, and still, the world endures.
The silence. It's still there. It's so very quiet. Already, it's past midnight; people are going to bed, or are asleep already, but not me. I no longer feel the fatigue; only sadness and pain. Every time I try to sleep, I know beforehand that I won't be able to find peace. There will be no peace for me in this life. Only in death may I find peace.
Oh, how I long for peace instead of silence. Silence. Yes. I have that already, but I haven't truly been at peace in a very long time, no matter how quiet it had gotten around me. Silence is suffocating; peace is liberating. Oh, I wish that it weren't so quiet around here! The silence makes me think about things that you're not supposed to be thinking. I'm so very tired of thinking. Being alone with my thoughts, the silence becomes like a black hole that eats me up from the inside.
Darkness.
Darkness surrounds me. Darkness frightens me. Embraces me. Devours me. Destroys me. Darkness never leaves me. Darkness is always there for me, but that is not what I want. I want peace. There is no peace to be found in this dark silence.
My thoughts are looping. I know that, but there's nothing I can do about it. I just let them go where they are drawn to. Allow them to come to the same conclusion, time after time. I would be lying through my teeth if I claimed that I hadn't accepted that solution yet. I know my fate. I've known it for a long time. My fate is death.
But, not plain, old, regular death. I can't be arsed to wait several decades for that to happen. Instead, my fate is suicide.
I hate this world. 'Hate'. Such a powerful emotion. One of the most powerful. Only love is more powerful, a romantic might claim, but I don't believe in love. I've been disappointed one too many times. Love plays its cruel games with us, but I have seen through all the lies. I no longer believe in love and, therefore, I can no longer get hurt. I forbid myself from finding happiness in love, because losing that which you love is far worse than not loving in the first place.
I'm not distraught over the fate that waits me. In fact, I'm quite happy. Yeah. I'm happy that I'm going to die. That certainty alone makes me feel as light as a feather. No more responsibilities—not for me or anyone else, for all I care. That is true liberty. I'll take the liberty to end it all, but not yet. The moment has not yet come for me to bid farewell to this cruel world. There's still some time left to live. Time I didn't ask for. Nobody ever asks if I'm OK with anything.
Freedom.
Who does not long for freedom? I can't think of anyone who doesn't. However, freedom can mean different things to different people. The same goes for happiness, I guess. That's a good thing, though. I wouldn't wish for anyone to think and feel the way I do. Deep inside, I want to be just like anyone else—to be happy, sociable and approachable, but I am not. I am different. The pain inside of me has grown.
Pain.
Pain links to death, and like anyone else, I can't help but wonder how painful dying will be. People fear death, but even if dying were to be physically painful, there is nothing that could ever be as painful and cruel as the pangs of the soul. Nothing can be more painful and cruel than life itself. Life is full of meaningless pain. There's no way in hell death could be any worse, I guess.
Yes, that's right. I wish I was dead. Once more, I realise: I really do wish I was dead. More than anything else do I long for the comforting side of darkness.
Darkness, to tenderly embrace me. Darkness, to protect me. Darkness, to make me feel secure and free from anxiety. Darkness, to give me strength.
Indeed, there are two sides to everything, even darkness. Both sides are the same. It's just the angle that shifts. Point of view changes everything. I'm speaking from experience.
What a quaint situation I'm in right now. It's already way past 1 AM, but I'm not feeling tired in the slightest. I've always been fascinated by sleep, because it's beyond human control. Within a dream, everything seems both real and, at the same time, distant. That's the way I'm feeling right now. It's as if I were seeing things from behind a cold grey veil. I'm not sure if that veil is fear, uncertainty, or something else altogether. Guess I'll never know, but it's there. I'm viewing the world differently these days.
There's nothing here that I'm going to miss, or is there? I'm not sure. You can't miss something until it's out of your reach, however uninteresting it may have seemed when it was at arm's-length. This is something else I know from personal experience. Painful experience. One more reason to stay away from people; loneliness as self-preservation. That's my strategy. It is effective, but not at all pleasant. Once more I realise how pointless it all really is.
From my bedroom window, I can see the pale moon. It casts soft waves of light that ripple through my room. Guess I'm worrying about too many things, but I can't help it. That's just in my nature.
Nature...
What a magnificent thing it is. Beautiful, untouched, honest. I would love to become one with nature, and I will become one with nature. Soon. Very soon. Just a little while longer. The passing of time can neither be hastened nor rewound, or accelerated, for that matter. Time is a higher power.
Higher power!
The two words alone make me ponder. Most people believe in some sort of higher power. They need someone else to blame for their misfortune, I suppose. It never occurs to them that they, themselves, control their own lives.
Is there a God? Who knows? Many believe that they know for sure. Believing and knowing... How contradictory. I can't think of anything more contradictory, and still, humans get them confused all the time, it seems.
I do not like humans.
We're so fake. That's what I find most repulsive in humans. The worst thing is, of course, fake emotions. Fake compassion, fake understanding, fake friendship.
Once more, I'm wondering: why am I wasting time thinking about things I despise? It's all just a waste of time. I don't want this anymore, but the thought of ending it all makes me feel almost ecstatic. Almost. I can't allow myself to be happy. One who feels happiness is also susceptible to disappointment, and I've had my fair share of disappointments.
I'm lying in my bed, and I'm hurting. It's my soul that's hurting the most. I always held the belief that you couldn't really die of a broken heart, and here we go again... Believing and knowing.
I'm feeling so fake. If they just knew what kind of person I really was... But, they don't. Only I know, and I want it to remain this way. At least, until all this is over. Until I'm free of this world. Then, they might as well know. Then, they may read that which I have yet have to write down. Yes. I'll have to write something for those who care for me, which is basically no one, I believe.
Again... Believing and knowing, and if those people do, indeed, exist, I wouldn't want to cause them unnecessary grief by leaving the questions that they might have unanswered. Wouldn't it be dreadful to feel guilty even in death? That would defeat the entire purpose of my undertaking. It is not death alone that I desire, after all. It is peace and tranquillity.
Peace.
Does anyone still remember what that word even means? Who can still afford to live their life in peace these days? We have become blind to what's most important in life. We keep lying to ourselves and the rest of humanity. After all, lying has become the new normal.
Why is the world so unjust? Some style themselves as gods, only to be brought down by fate. Some are just content with being loyal subjects, hoping for a better world, but who were we to give it to them? Nobody can change the whole world—just their own lives. That's exactly the problem: those sanctimonious fools want everything to change and are unwilling to even change themselves. How ironic. They're searching everywhere for the root of the problem, not realising that they, themselves, are the problem.
Another hurdle in our futile lives. Lives full of pain. Futile pain. Normally, people only become aware of the futility when it's too late already. That's the way it was for me. Now, however, I have finally woken up. I can see clearly, now. There is no turning back. I have found my destiny. My destiny is death. I may still try and run from my destiny as a final exercise in futility.
Is there any point to life? Another one of those questions that no one can answer. I've asked myself: what is the point in being alive? Friendship? Happiness? Power? Fun? Satisfaction? Myself? I've found the answer: for destiny. So... why live when you can die?
I doubt that anyone would agree with me on that one. Even without having asked anyone, I know this to be the case. People are easy to predict. They wouldn't disagree with me because they held differing opinions. No, they would disagree simply because they're too lazy to think for themselves. Too lazy to understand that what I'm saying is actually making sense, not just for someone in my situation, but for everyone. The world has become complacent. Too complacent to do anything. Even the act of thinking has come to be seen as too tiresome to bother with, which is especially sad, considering that thinking is a privilege of man, as is the conscious decision to end one's own life.
I don't even want to know what they will think of me when I'm gone. Will they understand, or will they remember me as someone weak and despicable? There are many prejudices against people like me... I need help, but who's there to help me? Nobody understands me. Nobody knows how I think and feel, but that's a good thing. I wouldn't want anyone to live my life.
I hate my live. I've hated it for a very long time. It shows. I've been cutting myself because it enables me to feel something other than the grim cold of depression. That way, I can feel that I'm still alive, or at least that I'm not completely dead yet. I should be thankful for that, but... I'm not. It hurts. It hurts so very much. Both my body and my soul. It's destroying me. I wish I was dead.
I seat myself at my desk. I want to write down these thoughts, and I don't care if anyone is going to read them. I just want to do it. I open one of the drawers to take out some writing paper. As I pull it out, a small photograph comes into view. I'm in shock. How did this photo get in there? I'm on it... Me and the people who were most important to me in my life. My mother. My father. My sister. We're all smiling happily at the camera, my sister's hand in my hand.
Amane...
How I miss you. I can still remember the day you left me. Forever. There it is again... This feeling of absolute, exquisite emptiness... It is about to swallow me whole. Losing those you love is far worse than not loving at all. I still can't accept that you had to leave.
Fate is playing cruel games with us mortals, but we, ourselves, are to blame for our suffering, because we play along. Because playing along is so easy. Because we are too complacent.
Why do things have to change? Back then, the world had seemed a warm and happy place, but it all changed when you were gone. It's been years, but I'm still wondering... Why you? Why did you have to die so young? Asking 'why' is a moot question, though, because it cannot be answered. I may have been powerless to stop death from claiming you, but I can offer myself to death... I want to be reunited with you... and I will be reunited with you.
But, not yet. I'm still holding the photograph between my fingers. A keepsake of happier times. It reminds me of a world that no longer exists. Only black nothingness remains when the memory fades.
The paper on my desk is getting wet. Tears of desperation, loneliness, hopelessness, regret and anger are falling from my eyes. Then, the crying ceases, and the protective embrace of numbness smothers all emotions. Back to monotony. No more tears. Only the unending sadness inside. I keep everything inside. You were the only one to whom I could reveal myself. You were my sister, and my most trusted friend. When the light vanishes, only darkness remains.
They told me that I was supposed to be the light to the spirit's darkness. The Hikari. But, I was too weak. Everyone thought that I was the light side, but they were wrong. Without you, I was nothing.
My sister... Why did you have to leave? I've been lonely without you. I wanted to have you back. I couldn't believe what had happened. I tried to push the memory aside, but it didn't work, and it broke me. It was a futile attempt. Everything without you is futile.
You always told me to be faithful to myself... To be proud of myself, but I failed… For a short time, I thought I had managed it, but that was another lie. I was such a fool. How naïve of me to think that I could do anything right. Please forgive me, sister. I was too weak to act upon your advice. You always wanted me to be happy, but then you died.
Why is this world so unfair? I tried to stop asking the 'why' question, but there's no helping it. Yes, again... Bad habits, one of mankind's eternal vices. But, I don't want to stop. Thinking about you might be painful, but it is better that just forgetting about you. The bitter sadness is tearing at my soul and I can't find peace. Not in this life. Not in this world. Only with you.
When you died, I became lonely. Very lonely. I had my Yami... He was with me. He treated me badly, but he was with me, and he kept me from thinking. Ironically, it was him who gave me a chance to live my life, for a little while, at least. He's gone now, though, and again, I'm alone in this grim, bleak world.
I want to be with you. There is nothing and nobody who could convince me otherwise, not that anyone had even tried. I cannot live like this anymore, and I don't want to. Everything has to end sometime. Some things sooner than others.
Enough! I put the photograph back where I found it. Instead, I reach for a pen. I want to write, and write I will.
I'm writing what I think and feel, and I'm writing my farewells. I'm writing for the last time. I'm writing the saddest thing I've ever written, and I write honestly, without sugarcoating anything. I write as the time of my death is drawing nearer.
I'm writing a letter. A letter to anyone. Anyone who cares. Anyone who knew me. It's my suicide letter.
No turning back.
I am going to die. Today. Early in the morning. At sunrise. In the river. The cold, murky waters. I am going to die.
'To everyone,
'By the time you'll be reading this, I will have moved on to a different world. Do not cry for me. I'll be happier that way. All of you have more strength than I ever had. Everyone has to leave sometime, some sooner than others, some voluntarily, but everyone has to leave. I'll be leaving you behind. Please, do live your own lives, and know that I'm happier where I am now. Whatever comes next, it couldn't possibly be worse than life.
'You know that I wasn't happy. I'm sorry for leaving you, but I couldn't go on. Please understand. Don't hate me. There are many things that are worth living for, just as there are things that are worth dying for.
'I'm writing what I never managed to tell any of you. Take a moment to remember me, and then move on. Live your lives, and make sure that yours will be happier than mine. I wish you all the strength in the world.
'I've been so terribly lonely. The silence had become suffocating. There was no way I could have lived on.
'This is my farewell. My final goodbye. Forever and ever. Don't worry about me. I'll be happy. As will you.
'Goodnight, sweet friends, and dream well. Soon, I will dream forever. Dreams are what are most important in life, and in death.
'Farewell.
'Ryou.'
My face is wet with tears while I write these last words and finally put my signature at the bottom. Carefully, so as not to allow my tears to fall onto the paper. I don't want you to think that I have lied to you. Don't want you to think that I was frightened by my approaching doom. Besides not wanting to cause you any unnecessary grief, it would be a lie. I am happy about my death. I'm feeling free, at long last! So exquisitely free!
With trembling fingers, I fold the paper and place it in an envelope. Now that this is taken care of, I feel a little more at peace, already. Now, I can go to sleep for a few hours. I take off my clothes as the pale moon's light ripples over the walls of my room. For the last time, I take in the beauty of her white, ethereal light. For the last time, I go to sleep. I hope...
I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. A tiresome day. Just like any other day in this forsaken life. We're forced to move forwards every day, but we all like to look back. Always. Thinking back to times long gone by. What is now will never be again. Not exactly, anyway. Every moment is unique and irreplaceable. It's interesting how I come to this realisation, now that it's no longer relevant to me. I can see clearly now. All the pointless things that used to keep me awake at night are now making sense. One is always thinking, but sometimes, the thoughts become too powerful and take control. Then, there is no escaping those thoughts.
Why did Amane have to suffer? Why did she have to die? My life had been spinning out of control ever since that day. I wanted to keep living after she had gone, but I couldn't. Not without her. I couldn't let go; couldn't stop thinking about her, and the thoughts kept me awake through day and night.
Until Bakura came to me.
Everyone has to live their own life. Endure the destiny they've been assigned. There is no escaping destiny. Not as long as one is alive, anyway. There's only one way out of this game. The way I'm about to go. Soon, we will be reunited. No more waiting. No way back. Only the way forward leads out of this game, and I'm prepared to follow it to the end.
Where am I? I'm lying in my bed, wearing just a pair of briefs. When and how did that happen? Oh, right… I was busy admiring the moon. I'm no longer paying attention to what I'm doing. I've lost control over my thoughts and actions. I'm functioning like a machine, following my routines without even realising it.
Time seems to fly now that the end is drawing near. Of course, everyone is steadily moving towards their death, but mine is within arm's reach by now. Finally! I've been waiting for so long. Been planning for so long. I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep, but I don't care. As long as I have my thoughts to keep me company, the time will pass eventually. That's the only thing that counts.
Once more, I think back to my childhood. Our childhood. What a happy time it was. How much fun we used to have together. How I miss you. You were special, even back then. You were not like other children. Still, we did fight sometimes. Usually, I was the one who started it, but regardless of how much I overreacted, you were there for me when I needed you. You were so smart. Always correctly guessing my every thought. Even today, I'm still wondering how you did that. You knew me better than I, myself, did.
You were so good to me. Always putting others before yourself. You were strong and brave. Why did you have to die? Why?
I'm still feeling tired. These thoughts are draining me. I'm still awake. I curl up into a ball and pull the blankets up to my chin. Trying to relax. Trying not to think... But, it's not working. Just a little sleep before the end—that's all I'm asking for. Before the end of the night. Before the end of my existence.
I'm tossing and turning, but sleep refuses to come. I open my right eye, taking one more look at the slightly-chipped full moon that's still casting its rays through the window. I've always liked to watch the moon. When I was still afraid of the dark, I used to look to the moon for comfort. That was before Bakura came into my life and showed me what true darkness was like. He taught me many things. Darkness is not as bad as some may think.
Light isn't always good and pure, and sometimes, the light needs help from the darkness. Darkness may appear frightening and monstrous at first, but it, too, can harbour a hidden beauty, even if darkness itself is unaware of it. Even the darkness can light up a heart.
I learned to love the darkness. Yes, I still do, but I never could have said it out loud. The darkness would have laughed at me if I had, so I kept it a secret, but I never stopped loving and admiring the darkness. He was my darkness, but he, too, has been taken from me.
What time is it? Already past 3:00 AM. Unbelievable. Time sure flies when you're lost in thought. Soon, I may stop trying to find sleep. Soon, I will rise. Soon, I will die. Soon.
Never again will I have to look into all those smiling faces and realise that I'm not one of them. I will be free, unrestrained and happy. I will be with those who I love most. I will be at peace.
Huh? What's going on? Wasn't it a lot darker just moments ago? Where has the moon gone? The spotless summer sky is still dark grey, but the first purple clouds herald the coming of the new day. The sun hasn't risen yet, but it can't be far away anymore. Damn it! I wanted to be up already at this time! I must hurry myself along. I wouldn't want to be late for my final appointment, especially not since I scheduled it myself. Just this once, I want to do exactly what I want. No more compromises.
Out of bed I get, hastily putting on my clothes. Black socks, black briefs, then grey denim trousers and my favourite blue and white striped shirt. I consider wearing my light blue jacket, but then I settle on the black trench coat. Bakura bought that one, I believe, but I've come to like it over the course of the past two years.
I've wasted enough time already. I need to get moving, now. I want to be at the river before sunrise. Before anyone else has a chance to get there.
I leave my flat. Did I lock the door behind me? Yes, I did. The keys are in my pocket. Where they always are. Still clinging to my old habits, right up to the very end. I guess I just don't feel comfortable knowing that strangers can just walk into my apartment, even if it will not be my apartment for much longer. Dead people cannot own things.
It's cold outside the apartment building. It can't be much longer until the sun finally rises over the horizon. Already, I can see a few scattered windows light up. The city is waking up, but the streets are still empty, save for myself.
I've got to hurry. The sun will rise in less than an hour, and there is still one thing that I want to do before the end.
Such a wonderful morning this is. It's going to be a wonderful summer day, I reckon. The air is still cold, but a warm breeze is blowing from the east and tugging at my coat while I'm walking away from the block of flats. I've been living there for so many years now, both with Bakura and on my own. I do not look back once as I walk away.
It's as if an ethereal hand is pulling me by an invisible string towards my destination. There it is... The cemetery. You lie buried here, dear sister. Time and again, I have come to visit your grave. Come to visit you...
Did you notice me? Did you maybe try to offer me solace? Did you feel emotion when I came to visit? I always liked to imagine that you did. In fact, I still do. You gave me strength when I needed it. Please, give me the strength I need to end it all now.
I walk past the iron gates, past the rows upon rows of tombstones. Such a lonely place... full of death and despair. I belong here, because I belong to you. I've been here many times. Many times, I came to kneel in front of your grave and think about what could've been. At first, I was afraid of this cemetery, but what's the worst that could happen here? There's peace and tranquillity in this graveyard. Only the dead are here, and they are at peace.
You are here, Amane. I'm standing in front of your grave, and I remember... how I wanted to pluck the stars from the nightly skies to make your dreams come true. You just smiled at me and told me that the stars were too high up for me to reach. Well, yesterday, I was looking at the night sky, and a single star randomly fell right into my hands. It was still warm, even, and it showed me that dreams may not come true right away… but someday, they might.
It's time for me to get going again. Once more, I'm standing in front of your headstone. For the last time. I do not know who I am without you to tell me. I do not know who I was without you to remind me.
I hate this world that's asking so much of me, and still, I'm a part of it. An insignificant, small part, like everyone else. A chess piece that dares to think freely. I'm a part in a story that never ends. No matter how many people die, there will be others to replace them and keep the wheels of history turning. Everyone is on a journey. The personal journey through the story of their lives. Nobody knows for sure where and when it began. We are born, we live, and then we die. Everything is in constant flux, but nothing ever changes.
This world has never loved me. Never accepted me. Never cared for me. I was just an insignificant speck of dust, but I want more. I am me, and I want to be happy, but pain and anxiety are holding me down, slowly suffocating me.
This world is so empty. I can't and I won't go on. The train has left the station, and it hasn't so much left me behind but crushed me. Yes, I've been crushed by the train of life. This world is so empty. Empty and cold. Full of pain and bitterness. Bleak and grey. All the colours have disappeared, and only grey remains. Not even darkness.
Enough! I want to leave now! Become one with eternity. I want to be with you once more. In fact, I'm dying to be with you once more.
I take a candle out of my pocket, light it and place it gently on your grave. With one final, sad look at the tombstone with your engraved name, I turn and leave.
I have a free life to give away. Anyone fancy to have it? Nobody? Of course. I thought as much. Who would want to live my life? Why live when you can die? I can't think of any answer. It's all futile. A game that you just can't win, and I'm tired of playing. I'm folding. It's almost time…
I'm leaving the cemetery behind, never to return. Never to look back. My destiny lies ahead.
The city is still quiet. A few birds have already sensed the coming of the rising sun and have begun to sing. It's all so idyllic, and so peaceful. I, too, will be at peace soon.
Now I've really got to hurry myself along. The horizon is already dyed a vivid shade of crimson as the sun prepares to rise above the hills to the east. The sight is truly breathtaking. Has there ever been a more beautiful sunrise?
The sun is still weak, though. The rays don't yet reach where I am walking. I'm still walking in the shadows, and in the cold of the night, as I make my way past familiar streets and buildings, drenched in the memories of a failed life. In time, the night and darkness will return to these streets, but I won't.
The darkness. Yes… I used to despise the dark, and the dark used to frighten me, but now, I love the dark far more than my own worthless life… I hate myself, but I love my dark side, but he will never know, because he is gone.
With every second, the sun is getting nearer and nearer, and something else is drawing near as well: the river—both my saviour and my murderer. That is where I want to be. Where I want to end it all. That's where I belong. Where my destiny awaits. Caressed by the first rays of the sun, and submerged in the cold waters; that's where I wish to die. Should one of my wishes finally come true? I think it just might. You were right, Amane. One should never give up. My dream is about to come true. I'm going to where I want to be. It is time to flee this world. Nothing in it holds any value to me anymore. My suffering is almost over.
There's the river. Finally! I can hardly wait to die. I can barely describe my excitement. I'm feeling light as a feather, and free as the wind. I'm feeling happier than I ever have before. If only life were always like this, but it isn't. Only death holds the door to true freedom. So be it, then.
I haven't met a single person on my way. Not one. I'm so exquisitely lonely. At least there will be no one here to stop me, and while that's my top priority, I've still got to admit that I would have liked to see at least one more human being before the end. It's not going to happen, though, is it?
I'm standing right at the railing, looking down into the turbulent waters of the river a few feet beneath me. A few miles further north, the river is a lot less dangerous. I used to play there as a child, and I used to be happy. That's why I want to die here, as well.
Huh? What was that? I can hear something! A bicycle bell. I turn around, trying to localise the sound. There! A middle aged man on a bicycle… and he's smiling at me, and waving… and then he's past me and continues on his way. I gaze after him until he disappears from my field of view. To him, I must've looked like a regular, innocent person who's out for a walk. There's no way he could've known what I'm up to. For a moment, I was worried that people might guess my intent from merely looking at me. Yes, I'm weird sometimes, but my final wish has been granted. I'm not going to die without having seen at least one last human being. A perfect day. Truly beautiful.
I begin to rifle through my pockets. Where is it…? Oh no… Did I leave it at home? This can't be true! Everything would've been in vain, then. I would have to postpone everything. That would mean… Wait! Here it is! Thank goodness.
I'm not brave enough to jump without these pills. Without them, I would feel everything, and I would prefer to avoid that. The method of suicide that I chose is not an easy one by far, but I don't mind. I chose to die in the river, and so it shall happen.
There's nothing left to do now. For a moment, I feel sad at that thought, but not for long. I don't want to be sad now. I've had enough sadness over the past few years. Enough for two lives. That'll suffice.
It is time. Whenever I was frightened as a child, you used to watch over me, dear sister. Thank you. Give me strength now that I am about to return to you.
It takes me little time to remove the cap from the bottle of pills now that I've found them. I tip the bottle on its head… There they are. A few, small, neutral-looking pills. The sight makes me smile. Dying can be so easy. One final time, I hesitate. This is the point of no return, but I want to die. Why live when you can die?
I take a deep breath and put the first pill into my mouth. Number one. Swallowed. Number two. Swallowed. Number three. Swallowed. Number four. Swallowed. Number five. Swallowed. Number six. Swallowed.
Now, I must wait for the pills' sedating effect to kick in. They contain pentobarbitone, aka. Nembutal, often referred to simply as 'N'. Six of these would kill me, anyway, even if I didn't jump, but I don't want to die by the pills. That's not the way I want it to be.
I can feel it already. The pills are beginning to work their magic. The world around me is spinning. Everything feels different, all of a sudden. Happier, even. That's how I imagined it. That's how life should be all the time. Sadly, it isn't. It's not the real world that I'm seeing. It's just the effect of the pills.
My thoughts are slowing down, and my vision fades. I can feel the tension in my muscles ease. I feel weak. My hands are shaking, and my legs threaten to give way right here on the pavement, but I don't let them.
It's time to say goodbye to this world; this world that doesn't seem to love me. Farewell, world! Why live when I can die?
I take one shaky step towards the railing. I need to rest all my weight on the metal railing in order to stay upright. My stomach aches as if it were filled with liquid fire, and I think that I might throw up any second.
Lifting one foot over the railing feels like a herculean task. I can barely feel my legs at this point, let alone move them. Still, I manage to cross the barrier, one leg at a time. The world around me is getting blurrier with every passing moment.
I'm standing on the other side of the railing, now, clinging to the rusty metal ribs behind me. Below lies the deep river. I have to move with great care as I prepare to jump. There's very little room to put my feet down on this side of the railing, but I need proper footing before I jump. Just slipping up and falling into the water headfirst wouldn't be a very dignified way to go out, I'd imagine.
This is a good spot. I want to wait just a little while longer before I jump. Wait for the pills' sedating effect to maximise. Although I'm hardly registering anything around me at this point, my mind doesn't feel quite clouded enough yet.
I want to wait for the sun to rise just high enough for its rays to touch my skin. The warm morning sun shall be the last sensation I feel because I want to be perfectly happy the moment that I jump. I want this to be a perfect morning. A perfect morning that lasts forever. In death, nothing changes. Everything stays the way it is, as if time itself had been frozen in place. He who is now alone will remain alone for a long time. He who now has no house will never build one. He who is miserable will not get a second chance at happiness. He who is dead stays dead.
Such is the nature of death, and thus, I want to die happily. I want to die on a perfect day. A perfect day, like this one.
I'm about to go away. To go far, far away. Embarking on the journey that everyone has to make sooner or later. Heed my words when I say 'everyone'.
This world is meant for the living. Not for me. The pentobarbitone seems to be in full effect by now. I can barely think straight at this point. My surroundings seem blurred and distorted, and my eyesight is fading. I think it's time...
I've closed my eyes and readied myself to jump when I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. In a final effort, I open my eyes one last time to look at the rising sun. Yes. I smile to myself. This really is a perfect day. As perfect as I hadn't even dared to hope. I close my eyes again, give myself to destiny, and let go of the railing. For a moment, I can feel the wind in my hair as I fall, and then I hit the water.
I sink to the bottom like a rock, barely realising it. My body feels both as heavy as a brick and as light as a feather at the same time. I'm tired… So very tired… For a moment, I become aware of the sunlight that's reflecting on the water's surface above me. The colours are fascinating. They glisten, truly magnificent. Then, I close my eyes again.
I'm not breathing. After all, I'm under water. You don't breathe under water. An inner voice commands me to struggle—to try to break through the surface, but I don't want to, and I can't. The pills are working; my arms and legs have gone numb. Finally, I'm going to die. The air in my lungs is beginning to burn.
I'm going to die! I open my eyes wide and begin to panic. I am going to die! No, don't panic now. I want to die. I want to die! I still want to, but my will to survive is still very much alive. What should I do? What's going on? Why can't I move? I'm horrified. I try to breathe… Oh, God! The air! Where has it gone?! I want to scream, but... I'm gasping. I get water in my lungs, and begin to choke. The choking hurts.
More and more water enters my lungs as my gasping accelerates. Icy cold fills my chest and burns like molten lead. The pain is worse than anything I've ever felt in my whole life. I keep gasping for air, but there is none. There is only water… Only water… Why isn't it over yet? I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I keep reporting these four words over and over again. I want to die! Why live when you can die?
At long last, my struggling ceases. Deafening numbness settles on my mind as I leave this world.
But... This is not how I imagined it. Where is everyone? Where are you? Amane! Why are you not here to help me? Why is this nothing like how I had been imagining it? Why is there no light? Why can nobody hear my silent screams?
Darkness embraces me, but it's an unfamiliar darkness, and it frightens me. It is colder than ice, and blacker than all nights combined. It is so wrong… Is this death?
…
Yes, it is!