I should have known I would find her here. It's funny, it's not somewhere you'd really pick as a haunt for Kathryn Janeway, vaunted and celebrated darling of the Federation. She mentioned it once, in passing, when we were taking inventory of shuttle supplies to escape the bridge for a couple of hours during one of the drier spells during our jaunt in the Delta Quadrant.
oOoOo
The captain stopped repacking the rations neatly into the compartment, marking them off quickly on the padd. She looked up and caught my eye while I was doing the same with the disposable medical supplies a couple feet away.
Quirking a half smile, eyes bright, she nodded to herself as if she had decided to share information that wasn't otherwise public knowledge. I'd quickly noticed that the little tick in her behavior often signaled a bout of openness- a time of realization when a bit of Kathryn really peeked through.
"It's when it's too quiet like this that I really miss home." It hung there for a moment as Kathryn finished with the ration packs.
"I mean, I miss it most days, if just for a few moments. But I don't always have so much time to think, you know?" She stood and scrolled through the padd to find the next item on our inventory list.
"I think we all do. There's plenty to miss. The danger is when we linger on everything we've done without." I found lingering never did anybody much good, but the crew couldn't help it sometimes. Those were the darkest times in our journey. It was during those times that even I had trouble with the walls of the ship closing in on me. Secretly, I'd always had Kathryn there to drive me to shake it off, if just because I had to hold her up out of the murkiness as long as I could.
The quadrant had been a roller coaster. Despite what we'd anticipated, it wasn't the months of attacks, injury, death, and desperation that really wore us down. Yes, we got tired, our bodies failed, we reached a brick wall and it seemed we couldn't go on, but when we were in the midst of those times, we thought of home as inspiration for us to persevere. Home became a beacon of hope. When the coaster dipped low, and we slogged through lightyears of quiet, dark, unfamiliar, and cold, we thought. We thought of seventy years. Of swimming against an unforgiving current for an unsure future. Of the loss. Of impossibility. Improbability. Inhospitability. We thought of the dreams for our futures that had been lost in the sea of unfamiliar stars.
Harry despaired of lost love, but also lost potential.
Tom dropped into depression because he could finally make his father proud, but he'd never see him again.
B'Elanna found sadness in the loss of an anger that grounded her, lost friends, and the peace she found that her parents always wanted for her, but would never participate in.
Tuvok, even, meditated heavily during those times because the connection he shared with his children and mate weakened every day, even as the ship moved closer to them.
Kathryn. Kathryn found darkness most of all, as her soul squeezed her heart for all the same reasons as everyone else, but more because she also took their despair into herself for every mistake she thought she made.
"Oh, I did that early on. It's not what I think about every day. I think about some of the good things and it's a comfort. I think that's what actually scares me though. I don't want to become complacent. I don't want for Earth to be only a fond memory in my mind. I don't want the switch to have flipped and my heart to give up thinking that getting home is a realistic goal." On her tip-toes, she reached above me, fingertips just out of range of the handle she'd targeted, unphased by the real meaning in her words.
"How do you mean?" I helped her pull the case from a high-up compartment, so she could check on the fitness of the hard-line medical supplies.
She started changing out the hypospray injector casings and the tricorder and back-up battery packs with the refreshed ones in the inventory kit she'd brought. Slim fingers deftly swapped out the cold metal, fitting everything perfectly into the container and adding a few more supplies just in case.
I had to admire her attention to detail with the shuttles. Really, it was all practicality. With our luck, we'd be the next to take out the shuttle on a real run.
I had to begrudgingly admit that whenever we were together, especially in a shuttle, we heralded the coming of trouble and mayhem. It was only in our best interest to be thorough.
Not entirely sure if I was tempting fate, I'd already suggested we add a short field trip in the shuttle to put it through its paces as a normal part of the checklist.
Well I guess that's one way to stir things up in this dreary part of space, I thought.
We were almost finished and would take the Cochrane out for maneuvers to make sure everything had been properly maintained.
I never wished for unplanned adventure, but it would add a bit of spice to the day if, perhaps, the power couplings needed alignment adjustments and the oversight meant they might have to perform on-the-fly maintenance that gave us an excuse to stay out, if just for a few hours more.
"I think about the simple joys, ones I never considered before. There was a little café I'd frequent whenever I was planet side on Earth. They knew my order when I walked in, and I could spend hours in the quiet corners watching the comings and goings of the brass as they grabbed something to drink or eat. Eventually, when I moved up in the ranks, it became a kind of grounding rod for me. I miss the familiarity but also some of the anonymity of such a place. I could observe without being observed. It's comforting and something I haven't quite found since being out here." She closed the case and sat next to me while I finished with the supplies I'd spread on the deck.
Her fingers became overtly interesting as she bowed her head in thought, her eyes closing for seconds as she breathed deeply, her knees brushing mine as she settled in. I handed her the padd so she could sign off on the final inventory as I finished up.
I didn't know what to say to comfort her, and she didn't expect me to. Out here, she couldn't be anonymous, even on a new planet. Her features were distinguishing, even among our crew, let alone the species we came across. She was of a stature, coloring, and distinctiveness that set her apart everywhere. She couldn't find a little corner to settle in and become part of the background. While that usually made it easy to keep track of her and keep her safe, it never gave her introverted side a moment to reset.
"I don't necessarily miss the place itself. Really. I probably miss real coffee more than where I might procure it." Her voice became a mere whisper. I didn't really believe her.
Surprisingly, we took the shuttle out without incident that day, but I don't remember the maneuvers. I don't remember the particulars of the day really, beyond our conversation and the minutes before we left the shuttle.
Kathryn shut the engines down after landing with nary a bump as it contacted the bay floor. When the system diagnostics and readouts completed, she set the padd into the appropriate port to download the data for the logs. She turned to me, her hand reaching for mine. She wasn't the Captain again for a little longer, and she always used times like these to reach out to me in ways she normally couldn't.
I held her hands in mine and stood with her.
Coming back to Voyager in the darkness was always harder.
She caught her breath, holding it against the shuddering that beckoned her body.
She wouldn't cry under the pressure as it settled back onto her shoulders after such a short reprieve. Instead, she would look to me to tape her back together again.
I dropped her hands in favor of wrapping her in my arms, gluing her stray, frayed ends back into place as she gave herself only seconds of weakness that no one else saw.
oOoOo
Walking through the park bordering the Bay and headquarters, I saw it. Wood's. An unimposing storefront, the faded sign swinging from hinges over a plate glass window. The inside seemed dark from outside, but it wasn't really the brightest of days to begin with. Rain hung heavy over the bay, the clouds bulging and spitting at the sidewalk in front of me.
Something drew me in, and I appeared at the smooth wooden counter, staring at a menu board behind a nice young woman named Emily. Her braided hair obscured her name tag whenever she leaned to tap a command into the register panel.
"Do you have any spiced teas?" I wasn't sure how to interpret everything written up on the wall.
"My favorite is an adapted Bolian blend we have this week. Very close to Vulcan spiced tea, but creamier. Do you like sweet?" She leaned on her elbows, looking at me with smiling eyes, braids pooling on the counter.
Do I.
"Let's give it a try." I entered my code when she held out the padd to receive credits for the transaction.
"It'll be ready in a couple minutes…." She paused, waiting for a pronunciation on the name that popped up on her padd.
"Chakotay." I heard movement from one of the corners behind me when I said my name.
"…Mr. Chakotay. Sit wherever you'd like." She gestured to the nearly empty café.
Turning, I was drawn to the warmth of the contained fire, suspended artificially over rocks in a rustic fireplace. It might not have been a real fireplace, but it offered warmth just the same. It cast the small figure in one of the plush chairs into a soft, shadowy relief.
Before she turned, I knew it was her.
She hadn't known yet that the proceedings had finished early, half an hour ago, and I was a free man. Freedom meant more to me than just being home.
She didn't know everything was about to change.
By the time Kathryn pulled from the embrace, real tears breaking the skin of her cheeks, Emily had left my tea on the small table in front of the fire and quietly excused herself to the back.
"Where should we go?" I spoke, muffled, into her hair.
"I don't care anymore." She gripped the fabric of my jacket.
I didn't care either. As long as Kathryn was there.
oOoOo
A/N. In response to KJ115's 2-hour Challenge.
You must incorporate the place into your story, three things from the place and the name of one person in the place.
My choice:
Location: Wood's Coffee, a shop down the road from my house.
3 things: the fireplace, the cozy chairs, the dreary day outside.
Person: Emily, the barista who got my coffee.
Special thanks to KJ115 for the quick Beta! So many thanks. :)