Well. This is... I don't know. I don't usually even enjoy reading this kind of story, but the plot pickles were chewing on my toes and stwore they wouldn't stop until I wrote this, so here it is.
Hi there, everyone!
...
Zuko, say 'hi'.
Tell me why I'm here again?
Only if you say hello.
...Hello.
Great!
You're terrifying when you're chipper.
Sorry?
Whatever. Why did you drag me here?
Oh! Because I wanted to explain to the fans how silly Zutara is.
Really? You're sure it's not just 'cause you wanted to be alone?
T-totally sure! Stop looking at me like that... Anyways, you guys, I'd just like to say that Zuko and I are nothing more than friends. Sure, we're close friends-
Really close friends.
Ever hear of personal space, Zuko? This is mine. You're kind of intruding on it.
You're no fun.
I am too! Didn't you hear about the time I got arrested?
How is being arrested fun?
I... don't know. But anyways- Okay, you're really creeping me out the way you keep staring, Zuko.
You've got something on your face!
Oh. Where?
Right there in the middle- no, wait, that's your nose.
...What are you, six?
It's a possibility.
Anyways. On with the explanation. See, Zuko and I are just friends. The most we ever did was hug, and that was totally platonic. I've never felt, you know, that way about him.
Ugh.
What?
...Nothing.
No, really, what?
Well... Never? As in never never?
Never. Ever. So get that thought out of you head right now.
What thought? I wasn't thinking any thoughts. Not me. I don't think, remember?
You're insufferable.
I try.
Anyways! I like Aang-
Which is completely beyond my comprehension.
Shut up! Aang's sweet, and funny, and... um... the Avatar?
So you only like men in high places?
Well you're Fire Lord, so I don't see why you should talk.
So you admit you like me?
No! Because I don't. At all. Not like that.
Uh huh.
Really!
Sure.
Are you calling me a liar?
Did I say that?
Ugh! ANYWAYS. Haven't you guys seen Korra? Aang and I have kids together on that show, and... and... I talk about how we're... married...
You don't sound too happy about that.
I'm thrilled! Aang's a really great kid- I mean guy. I mean, man? N-no, wait, I mean- mmph!
Mmm...
Gerroff me, you stupid jerk.
As you wish.
You know, it really destroys the whole point of this when you start kissing me in the middle of my tirade!
Well, for my part, I don't see what's so wrong with Zutara.
...Me neither.