Title: Understand The Things I Say
Author: Chaos
Beta: None, tragically.
Pairings: Sirius/Remus
Warnings: Angsty, weird dialogue format.
Ratings: M probably.
Spoiler Warnings: Pretty much everything about Sirius and Remus that's revealed up through...OotP I guess. Not the end, but if you know what I'm talking about then you already know...there's something weirdly circular about my spoiler warnings.
Disclaimer: Not mine no matter how many stars I wish on. DISNEY YOU LIED TO ME! The cut/title lyrics are also not mine but are from a lovely Cranberries song instead.

Summary: The life of Remus Lupin as relayed to Sirius Black in their years together. (With some added explanations in between.)

Author's Note: Um. Not beta'ed. If anyone is willing to look over it for me I would be indebted to you.

So this was actually posted many moons ago (not really a pun, but whatever it is it's unintentional) under the name 'Memories of a Wolf'. However I took it down and messed with it for a long time. It's pretty much unrecognisable from what it was before and I'm still not entirely satisfied with it but if I try to work on it anymore I will go bald. So I'm posting it instead.

The Lupin family lived in a nice neighbourhood in a neat white house surrounded by begonia's and red carnations. Mrs Lupin was an acceptably pretty woman who took part in all the neighbourhood events and baked the best biscuits on the block. Mr Lupin was a small, neat man with a tweed jacket and a pipe and although nobody knew exactly where he went each day, or what he did when he got there, it was widely agreed that it was certain to be both official and respectable.

Remus Lupin completed the abidingly tidy family. He was always more interested in books than in running around and was considered a tad shy, perhaps, but everyone in the neighbourhood was prepared to testify to what a sweet child he was.

But the Lupin family had a secret and, like all children, Remus loved to feel that he was a part of something special. He loved it when his mother used her wand to make dishes fly around the kitchen and dirt disappear in an instant. He loved it when his father let him listen to Quidditch on the Wizarding Wireless Network or took him flying in abandoned fields while his mother orchestrated a picnic far below.

But most of all he loved visiting the magical world. Trips to Diagon Alley or the wizarding village of Hogsmeade were always special. Something he treasured as secret and precious.

Until everything changed.

"I died the night of the attack."

"You mean you nearly died?"

"No. I died. Only for a second. They restarted my heart at the hospital. They…I guess they saved me."

"You guess?"

"My mother always said that even though I wasn't really alive I wasn't really dead either. She said I couldn't have been dead because she was talking to me right now. She said dead was forever. Like she needed to believe it somehow. But I always thought of it like that. As the night I died. And after that night everything changed. And nothing did."

"What do you mean?"

"My dreams changed. Well, nightmares I suppose you'd call them."

"How?"

"They weren't children's nightmares anymore. They were all full of snarling teeth and- and something burning. Me burning."

"Lots of children have scary dreams."

"I know. But this was real. These were driven by experience."

…

"How did your parents cope?"

"I think they found those nightmares the easiest to deal with. I still woke up screaming, just like other kids. And I couldn't properly express how my dreams had changed then. So they could pretend it was just part of me being an ordinary child. They could pretend I hadn't changed. Mum used to sing to me and dad would sit in the corner while I tried to go back to sleep. He used to look at me though. Like he wasn't quite sure I was his son anymore. Only sometimes. We never talked about it…"

"You said those nightmares? Were there others?"

"Yes."

"Remus?"

"Sorry, I just- I don't know if I can talk about this."

"You don't have to. I don't want to pressure you-"

"No. No, it's helping. I think."

"The other nightmares then?"

"It's hard to explain. I think- I think I dreamed about death."

"What? A skeleton in a robe with a scythe?

…

Sorry."

"Not the Grim Reaper. I think I dreamed about what it would be like to be dead."

"And what was it like?"

"It was like…drowning in darkness- No, that's not right. It was like I was stuck somewhere between being alive and being dead but not quite either. Like I was floating in space but without the stars."

"How would you know what floating in space was like?"

"I've read about it."

"No you haven't, shut up. How would anyone know enough to write about it?"

"The muggles have sent people up there."

"What, really?"

"Yes really, now do you want to hear this or not?"

"Right, sorry."

"I never screamed waking up from those. I think a part of me was so scared that no one would come that it seemed more sensible not to check. I was scared that I hadn't actually woken up, or that it hadn't actually been a dream. Or something. I don't know."

"What about your parents, did they know about these dreams?"

"No. I used to just lie there crying into my pillow. They never knew. Or if they did then they never let on."

"What else changed?"

"I stopped coming into the magical world as much."

"Really? Why?"

"I think mum and dad just assumed I wouldn't ever really be able to be a part of it. And it scared me. I still liked visiting my parents friends and watching them do magic but big bustling places like Diagon Alley? It was like I was being watched all the time. It felt like people knew. Everything seemed to be too loud or too scary. After a while mum and dad just didn't let me go out that much anymore."

"That must have been terrible."

"It wasn't so bad. I didn't want to after a while. The more time I spent indoors the harder it seemed to go out again. I used to just sit in the window, watching the other children play."

"What? All the time? That's a bit creepy."

"No you idiot, not all the time. I read a lot too. I thought that if I knew enough little forgotten secrets then maybe mine wouldn't matter so much. I used to wonder if the healers had left something behind when they brought me back, though. Saved me, whatever."

"Do you still think that?"

"No, but I've realised that it'll always be like I have someone else watching over my shoulder. The wolf I guess."

"I always liked learning.

"I noticed."

"Shut up you."

"Sorry."

…

"Reading was pretty much all I did for a long time. But there's only so much you can learn from books. I wanted to die when the letter didn't come."

"You didn't get a letter?"

"Not that morning, no. I'd held onto that hope for years, no matter what my parents said."

"What did they do?"

"They threw me a party. I can still remember mum baking a cake. This enormous thing with three different kinds of icing. And dad blew up hundreds of balloons. It was impossible to walk anywhere without popping them. They said we could have fun just the three of us."

"And did you?"

"No. The whole house felt dark and cold. I ended up sitting in the window pretending to read and mum put the cake in the fridge."

"When did your letter show up?"

"It was almost midnight. Mum was just putting me to bed when the owl tapped on my window. I must've read the whole thing a dozen times before I finally fell asleep. They were the best words I'd ever read."

"Did I ever tell you about the first time I met Dumbledore?"

"Is this going to be another depressing story?"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, I was just wondering."

"No, this one's happy. But you don't have to listen if you don't want to.

"No, I want to."

"Alright. I was really nervous. My parents had said that there had to be a mistake, no one in their right mind would let a werewolf go to Hogwarts. So they sent off an owl declining the invitation-"

"Wait, your parents said no?"

"Yes?"

"What did you do?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh. Alright then. Go on Moony."

"After my parents wrote to him Dumbledore wrote back, asking if they would meet with him and discuss the situation. I don't think they were even going to go to the meeting, but when I heard that it was at Hogwarts I begged to go with them. I thought it was my one chance to see the school."

"So you went and Dumbledore made everything better?"

"Yes, but that's not the part of the story I'm telling right now."

"Right, sorry."

"As I was saying. I was incredibly nervous. I figured I should be grateful that he'd given me a chance, even if I wasn't going to get to take it. But that beard!"

"It is a mighty impressive beard."

"I thought he looked like Santa Claus on holidays. And a very strict diet."

"Really?"

"I did! And you know, I think he knew."

"Of course he did."

"He just smiled at me and told my parents that it didn't matter. I figured maybe if it didn't matter then the wolf didn't either."

"See, that just became depressing again."

"I'm sorry. My childhood was a little dark."

"Mine was a Black childhood as well as being its own variety of dark."

"That's possibly the least amusing thing I've heard. Ever."

"Well I thought it was amusing."

Remus was very nervous about the train trip. He had thought about asking his parents if they would take him directly to the school but his father had always said he needed to do everything he could to fit in. To hide his condition. And besides, if Professor Dumbledore hadn't said anything that must mean he trusted Remus. Somehow that reassured the boy more than all the hugs and handshakes his parents could give him.

Once on board he settled into the corner of an empty carriage and read. It was a new book. He'd been allowed to get a lot of new books for school and though they all looked interesting he hadn't had a chance to read them all yet. But this one was special. His mother had bought it for him even though it wasn't on any of his lists. It had a whole series of short stories in it with titles like 'Guinevere the Great: The Not Not False Story of the Witch Queen of Camelot' and 'Times and Trials For Witches and Wizards in Far Off Magical Lands'.

"I didn't even notice when Peter showed up, I was so busy reading."

"Yeah, well, Peter's easy to overlook."

"He was so nervous. I thought he might know my secret."

"Ha. Peter was the last one to catch on. The very last."

"Yeah. But he was my first friend at Hogwarts."

Remus noticed that Peter was somewhat hesitant about climbing into the boat beside him. But then Peter had been hesitant about everything since he'd introduced himself on the train. Everything from eating the snacks the kindly woman pushing the trolley had sold them to answering questions.

Remus had climbed in readily enough. Water didn't bother him. He stood in the rocking dinghy and held out a hand to Peter. But before the trembling boy could take it a red haired girl insinuated herself, taking a firm grip on Remus's fingers and stepping daintily down into the craft.

"Thank you," she said, smiling graciously, and Remus felt himself smile in response without any hesitation. In a flash she was kneeling on one of the seats, leaning precariously over the side as Peter warily lowered one leg into the craft.

"This is jolly exciting, isn't it?" she asked, not bothering to wait for an answer before she turned back to smile at Remus, proffering her delicate hand for him to shake.

"I'm Lily by the way. Lily Evans." While he took hold of her hand she flicked the vibrant strands of hair over her shoulder, looking back at the docks.

"Hurry up Sev!" she called as a dark haired boy clambered into the boat, leaving Peter retracting the extended leg and once more, looking nervously down as the craft rocked. The new boy scowled at Remus before turning to look out over the lake as Lily launched off on yet another tangent.

Finally, once Peter had been rescued by the giant man who had led them up from the station, a fourth body landed in their boat. The boy was scruffy and windblown even in the calm night. He raked one hand through messy black hair and leant back against the side of the boat in a pose he obviously thought made him look insufferably cool and handsome when really he simply looked a little silly and rather uncomfortable. He flashed a smile at Lily, who was glaring at him, and jerked his chin in a nod at Remus.

"Hi." He said, glancing out over the lake as he spoke. "I'm James."

Remus stood, somewhat uncomfortably, between James and Lily in the chamber where the tall witch had left them. James was staring moodily around and Lily was looking determinedly anywhere but at the boy, keeping up a whispered monologue in the ear of a rather dazed Peter. The boy who had appeared with Lily was glaring at James while James occasionally glanced at Lily and made little grumpy noises. The whole situation made Remus want to roll his eyes.

Suddenly James stopped and, if anything, Remus was more irritated by the silence. Then James nudged him and gestured to a boy standing a little way from them. Obediently Remus studied him. He looked bored. In fact the entire group surrounding him looked very much as if they were fed up with waiting and just a little apprehensive.

"Watch this," James whispered and Remus didn't have a moment to reply, or even think, before James tackled the boy. There was a yell and some scuffling before two of the children who had been standing around hauled them apart. One of the girls stepped right up to James and glared at him.

"Don't you know who he is?" she sneered in a very unpleasant tone. James grinned and nodded as the boy brushed off those holding him and pushed past the girl to stand with James.

"Sirius Black."

"Merlin, I thought you were such a prat."

"I'm going to ignore that and pretend you were already secretly smitten with me."

"I was."

"I know."

It didn't take long for the groups to fall into place.

Severus Snape, the boy who had arrived with the inimitable Lily Evans, was sorted into Slytherin and spent his time looking down his nose at any and all Gryffindors that crossed his path.

James Potter quickly established himself as an incorrigible prankster, a spoilt brat and an excellent leader.

He orchestrated their first prank, dropping a series of the latest, time release dungbombs in strategically chosen places for, as he put it 'maximum stench dispersal!' Then he carefully taught each of them how to cast a charm that would render their sense of smell useless, casting it on Peter himself when the stout boy couldn't get the hang of it. And together they watched the mayhem.

And though Remus could hear a voice (that sounded suspiciously like his mother) telling him off it was drowned out by his father's congratulations on fitting in and the laughter of his friends.

Peter, whose job it had been to deposit the bombs in the Great Hall, had forgotten to wash his hands afterwards so when the four of them were discovered to have tell-tale traces of magical primers on their skin where they had shaken hands with their bumbling accomplice, they were well and truly caught.

But somehow none of them seemed to mind. With the four of them there detention didn't seem as bad as it had in Remus's imaginings, though he hoped his mother would never discover that he had thought that. And although James never gave Peter another important job to do without first running through it several times, and although this was certainly not their last time in detention, none of them felt truly punished.

Sirius turned out to be the heir of the infamous house of Black, repressed but eager to learn all he could, and while Remus once again shuddered to think what his mother would say, he found himself particularly drawn to the sometimes brooding Sirius.

Their third day, after being released from detention, he somehow managed to pick a fight with Severus Snape which left the other boy yelping and Sirius's face a little bloody.

Cleaning him up after being instructed to get out of the teacher's sight, not game to take him to the hospital wing Remus couldn't help but notice that he seemed happy.

"Anything to piss off my old man." He explained, grinning ear to ear. Remus shook his head.

"I've fallen in with a bunch of mad men." He told the ceiling and was rewarded with a chuckle that established a warm glow of acceptance at the back of his mind.

"Maybe I wasn't dead…"

Remus loved every day and spent all the time he could inhaling everything they had to teach him and even more time in the library, extracting everything he could from every book he could lay his hands on. And, even better, for the first time in his life there were people who were trying to pull him away from his learning. He always made a token show of resistance but he never really minded. He was always happy to help Peter with his work, lend Sirius an ear or contribute his brain to one of James's hair raising schemes. Some of which got put into practice and some of which were shelved when Remus pointed out the unfeasibility and illegality of such things as turning items of clothing into animals (even if they were house-trained).

But it was Sirius who could always pry him away from his books, no matter what was happening. Though no one ever remarked upon it. And even though Sirius was very clearly James's best friend it was well a known thing within the group. You sent Sirius to fetch Remus if he was reading. That was just how it was done.

"Going home again was awful. I was so lonely that first summer."

"At least you were only lonely."

"Sorry Sirius."

"Not your fault my parents were jerks. I'm sorry I didn't write to you."

"That's ok."

When they returned to school he learned the truth.

Sirius boarded the train with a smaller, skinnier version of himself in tow. A version that looked at everything with disdain, as if he was one step away from wiping a white gloved finer down the wall and sniffing in disgust. Where Sirius looked at everything with excitement, searching for the potential, the boy seemed to be looking at everything with judgemental intent. Searching for the flaws.

His name, they discovered when Sirius finally joined them in their compartment, was Regulus Black. And with his presence and the new welts on Sirius's back that were never discussed Remus and the others came to understand that some things in Sirius' life were not as amusing as he had made them out to be.

"I still don't understand why you didn't just tell us. It wasn't like we would have abandoned you. We already knew they were dark."

"Yeah right, how did you want me to put that again? My parents believe that their children are their possessions, to be moulded and treated as they see fit."

"Probably something like that."

"Why didn't you tell us you were a werewolf?"

"It's not the same."

"It's exactly the same. It was my secret. We all have them."

…

"So what's You-Know-Who's secret?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's kind to frogs and he doesn't want any of his Death Eater friends to know."

"I don't see why, frogs can be pretty intimidating."

"Frogs can be- No Remus. No they can't."

"I don't know, imagine a bull frog the size of an elephant. I wouldn't go near it."

As Sirius and James grew closer, with Peter happy to dangle in their wake, Remus found himself spending more and more time with the girl from the boat. Lily Evans, it turned out, had her own problems, and though she never asked, and he never shared his secret with her, he felt a bond growing between them.

It wasn't that he didn't like the company of the boys, who were still searching for a name for the group. But he did enjoy being able to discuss books with Lily. He enjoyed being her shoulder to cry on because it made him feel needed and he enjoyed being able to spend time with a friend without teachers looking on in stern disapproval.

And though he and Severus Snape did not get along in any sense, and probably never would, there was an unspoken agreement not to upset Lily (who had brokered this agreement through sheer force of will without ever saying a word).

"It actually seemed like there were more full moons while we were at school."

"I remember finding you. I thought you were dead."

"I think it was inevitable that you were the one who found me."

"I think it was scary."

"Not half as scary as for me. I'd been a secret for so long I didn't know what to expect."

"And of course I'm never at my best at four in the morning."

"I don't even want to know what you were doing up-"

"It was James's idea."

"Wasn't it always?"

Remus remembered little of that early morning. He remembered words trickling from him like blood as his friends stared. He remembered waking up halfway through the day wrapped in Sirius's arms with James and Peter looking confused and a little terrified.

"I remember the first time you kissed me."

Remus didn't know where James was. Didn't really care anymore, though he somehow recalled it had been very important to him a moment ago. Now he was totally lost in the whole idea of Sirius and the way he was blinking down at him, the sunlight catching his lashes just so.

He had to admit that Sirius looked unfairly with it for someone who had just snogged his friend senseless.

"We're coming James!" Sirius yelled, turning his head slightly to the side then winking down at Remus before dropping out of the tree they had been co-inhabiting. He held his arms up and the werewolf smiled and dropped, relishing the feeling of being held again.

Sirius lent in and kissed him softly, his whole body practically enveloping Remus who was caught between his friend and the tree trunk. He pulled back after what felt like forever compressed into a second and brought one hand down from where it rested above their heads to brush hair out of the werewolf's eyes.

"Gorgeous." He whispered.

"I always felt bad that I got Prefect."

"What? Why?"

"I was a troublemaker. And…you know."

"You didn't ask to be a werewolf."

"Well I didn't ask to be a troublemaker either, that was pretty much an accident."

"But Dumbledore didn't care about either of those things."

"That's what mum said. She said I'd earned it more than if I wasn't those things. He trusted me because I'd overcome those things, not because he didn't know..."

"Of course he trusted you, you great dopey fuzzball. You're the only reason we didn't get caught most of the time. I'm sure he knew that."

There were many times in his life Remus had wished for friends. But he had never imagined that having friendships could cause just as much pain as sitting alone in the kitchen window at home. He learned the hard way that sometimes friends weren't the best thing.

The night Sirius tried to lure Severus Snape to his death was one of the worst of Remus's life. After he had transformed he had spent the night alone for the first time in almost three years. When he'd finally shifted back, in pain and totally exhausted, he found James and Sirius yelling outside the tunnel. It took them ten minutes to realise he was there. Two hours after than to calm him down. Five days before he could even look at Sirius without feeling sick.

The day the photo was taken was the day he first kissed Sirius again. The first time he stepped up rather than waiting passively for Sirius to initiate contact. It was six weeks after the incident with Snape and three weeks after they'd finally started talking civilly and regularly again. He couldn't help himself. As much as it hurt he missed Sirius more. Missed the comfort he provided.

Serious talks had followed. About boundaries and whether or not Remus could trust Sirius'. It took years for Remus to realise that his own trustworthiness had never been called into question.

The photo captured them at the happiest they had been in a long time.

The day Lily finally started dating James was one of the best of Remus's life. He occasionally wondered how Peter felt about the whole affair. Lily and James were the darling couple of the graduating year and Sirius and Remus were, well, Sirius and Remus. Best friends and boyfriends in one rather distracted package. But Peter was all alone.

He still smiled with the rest of them at the wedding. It wasn't as if it was unexpected. Even Lily demanding that Remus go dress shopping with her and Alice wasn't. She'd always stuck close by, particularly after informing him that he was a werewolf. She claimed that as her first friend at Hogwarts he was responsible for looking after her.

The day that Harry was born would be one of Remus's last happy memories of the group. A dying spark in a rapidly darkening world. It was the last time he got to see the Potter's without having to be blindfolded first. The last time Sirius just smiled. The last time he ever saw Peter looking happy.

He remembered Lily, who had been crotchety and even less reasonable than usual throughout her pregnancy, smiling sleepily. James crying as he looked down at the tiny bundle in his arms. And then they'd given Harry to Remus and nothing else had seemed to matter.

Remus knew he'd never have children. Even if he was so inclined the ministry would never tolerate minors in the care of a known werewolf. And Peter had never been any good with girls. So Harry was the only child he would ever be able to have anything to do with. The sad smile on Sirius' face told him that he knew that too. But neither of them particularly cared in this moment. It was perfect.

It was five. Five hours until they told him. Five hours since Sirius had blown through the house, not even leaving a note. Five hours until they thought to tell him. Tell him that Lily and James were dead And that it was Sirius's fault. By the time it hit the paper, only shortly after he knew, Sirius was already sentenced to Azkaban. The Longbottoms were crazy, Peter was dead and Harry was long gone. Where his werewolf uncle would never find him.

He read about Sirius's escaped in the paper. And no matter how much he told himself he didn't care, no matter how many times he reminded himself that this man had killed his best friends. No matter how often he spat the word Black in conversation or scrawled it on paper he still though Sirius. He still remembered the soft eyes and gentle hands. He remembered all the times he'd had to haul a drunken Sirius up the dormitory stairs. Remembered the times that Sirius had carried him up and carefully cleaned the cuts he'd inflicted on himself in wolf possessed rage. It didn't matter what he told himself, the desperation in the eyes staring out of Sirius's gaunt face still broke his heart.

And there was so much about Sirius that had changed. Remus didn't know, here, in this place, whether Sirius should be asking for his forgiveness or if it should be the other way around. Then Sirius's arms enveloped him and there was nothing to forgive. There wasn't even anything to forget. There was just Sirius, like there had always been. There were more bones and Remus himself had a few more scars. They weren't teenagers anymore but he still fit in Sirius's arms and when he was there that was all that mattered. That was all that had ever really mattered.

It took a long time for him to see just how Sirius had changed. And how he hadn't. It was so hard for him, being trapped in his family house. Remus had only been there once. It had been the morning Sirius had been thrown out. It probably had something to do with Remus, given that Regulus had tailed them all over on the one fateful visit. Apparently male werewolves were unacceptable consorts for heirs to the house of Black. Remus had been prepared to leave and had found Sirius beside him.

They had crept back in that night to retrieve all the things he'd been forced to leave behind and found it on the lawn. Sirius had flown away jubilantly.

Being back here seemed to evoke old memories that Remus couldn't fathom and although he tried there was still a gap that lay between them. Both damaged. Both broken. Both dead but not forever.

"Sorry."

"What heinous sin have you committed lately?"

"You didn't need to hear all this. About the miserable life of a teenage werewolf. You didn't exactly have flowers and roses."

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, but if you don't shut up with this self-deprecating crap I will be forced to…"

"Forced to what?"

"I don't know. Something horrible. You've got the brains in this relationship, you think of something."

"I've got the brains?"

"Yep. When you enter a relationship your brain gets added to the other persons. The smarter one."

…

"Go to sleep Sirius."

"Alright Moony. Wake me up if you have any nightmares."