Elizabeth was in her quarters, reading or at least trying to read a book for the first time in what felt like years but her mind was too agitated to give the book much attention. Her thoughts dwelt on Sheppard, Carson told her that he would be allowed to leave the infirmary today at around this time in the evening. She hoped he would inform her in person that he was himself again.
At this moment her door opened and there he stood wearing a light blue shirt, the sleeves rolled up revealing both his forearms, and beige pants. She didn't see him often in civil, but she always thought he looked handsome, incredibly handsome. Especially after all the blue and gray color had vanished from his skin, which looked as smooth as before the transformation, his eyes were back in their usual hazel-greenish color and his hand which had almost looked like the claw of an iratus bug had taken her normal shape again.
She laid the book aside and stood up. "Colonel", she said smiling, relieved to see him up on his feet. "How are you feeling?"
"Having in mind that I almost turned into one of these nasty bugs, pretty good actually." He scanned her briefly.
"What is bothering you?", she asked a bit concerned, reading in his look that he had something to tell her.
"Well… you have lots of time to think when you're stuck at the infirmary for so long", he began and his eyes paused on her throat.
Like a reflex Elizabeth raised her hand to the point he was looking at, guessing that he too thought about the moment some weeks ago when he had attacked and almost suffocated her.
He nodded and looked away, seeming uncomfortable. To calm him she softly placed her hand on his forearm, noticing how rough it was. Giving it a closer look she saw that the only remnants of the Iratus bug were on his arm. He pulled his arm away and looked at her. "The doc says it will eventually go away." He rubbed his arm, still looking uneasy.
"Colonel, I can see that there is something you want to tell me", Elizabeth said, lifting her eyes from the strange phenomenon on his arm.
"Yeah..." He paused and looked at her. "I don't remember everything that happened when this wraith DNA tried to overwrite my own but I remember a few things and… there are things that should not have happened."
"Like taking down several guards?", Elizabeth asked with a chuckle.
"That's what Teyla said", he told her looking at her feet. Elizabeth kept her eyes on him with no reply but waiting for him to continue. She felt no jealousy towards the other woman because John had visited her before. She knew how close they had become through all the missions they had gone through together.
"Anyway", he continued. "I wanted to talk to you about… the conversations we had back then."
"There is nothing to talk about, John", Elizabeth said serious-looking. "You weren't yourself. I know that you wouldn't say those things now being you again."
John nodded and looked around still avoiding her eyes. "That's true though… I want to say that I am sorry. For the pressure I put you in, for the accusations and..."
He stopped when she laid her hand on his arm again. "It's okay", she said, looking at him. "Don't let it bother you anymore."
His eyes gazed at her throat again and suddenly his hand raised and touched it so soft as if he was afraid she would break under his fingers.
"You don't have any problems after… I attacked you, do you?", he asked, his fingers tenderly stroking the sensitive skin beneath her chin.
Elizabeth had a hard time to control her breathing, he never touched her like this before, this was the exact opposite of the last time they had physical contact. But the last time it hadn't been John who touched her. It was the evil DNA that made him almost turn into a monster
"It's all fine, John, it was not more than a few scratches", she tried to reassure him, her eyes mesmerized at his face.
"Good...", he said slowly, lifting his eyes to meet hers. "I didn't want to hurt you", he said in a very low voice.
"I… I know." Elizabeth's voice sounded hoarse, and she cleared her throat, still sensing his fingers touching her lightly. "I can't and I won't blame you for what happened."
"From a certain point on nothing I did or said was me. Even before that state I did things I still don't understand."
"Don't accuse yourself for things you can not be blamed for", Elizabeth said, her look fixed to his eyes.
"I'm trying not to." He bit his lip as if he was considering an action.
They stood so close she could see every pore on his skin, every little mark, every hair.
"I realized something when I was waiting for Carson to release me", he told her.
"And what would that be?", she asked, a bit puzzled about how close they actually stood together.
"There is always a chance of not coming back when we're going through the gate..."
She interrupted him immediately. "John, I don't want to hear that." He would always find a way to come back. He had to. She didn't tell anybody, she didn't even want to admit it to herself, but she needed him. He gave her more than she could ever put into words and more than Simon ever had given her.
"It can happen. You know that and even if that's not the case it's still possible that something like this...", he nodded to the markings on his forearm. "Should this happen again...", he began.
"It won't", she interrupted him again.
"We can't know that." His expression was serious, and he put his hand on her cheek. It felt warm and a bit rough, but also it felt so good and right. "If a situation like this should occur again I want you to know… I need you to know..." He stopped. She could tell that his pulse was higher than usual because of the vein on his neck.
"What do you want me to know?", she asked, her voice merely a whisper.
"This", he replied, leaning down and pulling her up at the same time, gently placing his lips upon hers.
It took a few moments before she could realize what was happening but as soon as she did she returned the kiss intensely, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Her mind was solely focused on what happened at this moment in this room between only the two of them, their bodies pressed against each other, his lips on hers, his tongue gently playing with hers and his firm arms holding her close. This was John, the real John, not something that looked like him but with half a bug. This was John kissing her, holding her, loving her? She did not know what his exact feelings were however at this moment it did not matter. This must be the feeling you had when you entered heaven and if she was right, this was only the beginning.