Author's Note: My muse inspired me to write another Finn/Quinn because I didn't think it was possible to love them even more after the Born This Way episode. Spoilers throughout the entire show, up until Rumours. My first time writing in Quinn's point of view, so be gentle. Also quite lengthy, but I just have a lot of feelings, okay?
(Also sort of ignoring the Lucy Caboosey story line. I can't totally ignore it because of the awesome FQ scene, so I'M TORN.)
There isn't one day that goes by where she doesn't wish she could take it all back.
(Sometimes she still cries herself to sleep, thinking about how her life has gotten so fucked up in less than just a year.)
... ... ...
She goes quietly into school the day after it happened.
She feels embarrassed, and alone, and scared, and she-doesn't-even-know-how-to-feel at what she has done. She's prayed a hundred times last night as she lay on Puck's side, sheet drawn up to her chest, her tears staining the pink heart-shaped pillow Finn got her a couple of months back. (She doesn't think all those prayers were enough.)
She feels sickened when she catches sight of Puck at the other end of the crowded hallway, leaning intimately into Santana as he drops kiss after kiss on her waiting mouth and neck.
(She caps a hand over her mouth to keep from crying when she thinks that the guy who has been her first doesn't even care.)
She goes into the bathroom and puts her trembling hands on the sink, her body shaking with repressed sobs as she tries to get her emotions under control.
... ... ...
Finn doesn't miss the way her face is blotchy and her eyes are red when she meets him at her locker later that morning. She opens her locker door and he leans over and takes her books for her, stacking them one on top of another. It's standard procedure for them, but that morning she feels as if everything's different. That she's different. (And she is.)
"Are you okay?" he then asks, a worried tone in his voice as catches sight of her face, his own full of innocence and concern.
"Fine," she answers shortly, then turns back to her locker, and she wishes she doesn't feel so guilty.
He watches her silently for a second, then nods and leans over to kiss her cheek in that shy, sweet way of his that makes her heart break all over again.
... ... ...
She hovers above her bathroom sink, her eyes staring unblinkingly at the unwanted, disgusting object in her wavering hands.
Positive.
She stares and stares, her eyes flowing until they're harsh and red and there just aren't tears left to shed anymore.
She sinks down to the floor on trembling knees, feeling as if she's about to throw up as she drops the disgusting (disgusting) stick into the waiting trash bin.
... ... ...
When she tells him she's pregnant, she cries. Finn holds her and whispers into her ear as he, too, cries into her hair, and then he takes her hands and kisses her with all that he has. They cut school for the rest of the day, driving aimlessly around town, the radio blasting, the windows rolled down and the wind in their hair, their hands entwined between them.
Her favorite song comes on the radio and he sings along at the top of his voice even though he's hoarse from all the crying, and she laughs until she's breathless, her hand maybe clutching his a little bit tighter.
(She thinks that she loves him so much that it hurts, but she doesn't deserve him.)
... ... ...
He throws stones at her bedroom window that night, and she's just so, so happy to see him that she doesn't even scold him for the fact that he really should have stopped doing that several months back.
They sit together on her back porch swing, her legs dangling (his dragging onto the floor), and he holds her hand and tells her that he would give the baby the world if she lets him.
She just nods and smiles and rests her head on his shoulder, knowing she's made the right choice but wishing she doesn't have to lie.
... ... ...
The night she's kicked out from her house (it just isn't a home anymore), he takes her into his arms and hugs her tightly for ten minutes straight; his face is in her hair, kissing the top of her head over and over, and he lets her cry into his dad's coat (and she loves him for letting her).
He brings her home and gives her his T-shirt to sleep in. It's blue and huge and hangs so loosely on her thin frame and it falls down to her thighs but she loves it and thinks it's perfect just because it's his.
He gives her his bed to sleep in, ever the gentleman while he ignores her protests and lies down on a sleeping bag on the floor, but she rolls over so she's staring down at him, and he stares up at her, and they fall asleep just like that, holding hands.
(She's never felt safer.)
... ... ...
She yells at Puck when he startles her by following her in his truck as she's on her way home to Finn's after school. Puck just rolls his eyes at her as he shoves open the passenger side door and she reluctantly gets in, knowing what he wants but unwilling to give it to him.
"Look, Quinn," he says without preamble as he starts driving down the street, "I just want–"
"I know what you want," she interrupts him, staring out at the peaceful road, "but it can't happen."
"Why?" he says, and she tries not to wince at the almost desperate tone in his voice. "Tell me why."
She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Because I already chose Finn."
"What the hell, Quinn!" he exclaims, and his voice is angry this time. "Finn? You chose Finn? He's not even the real dad!"
She shakes her head as she looks up at him. "Neither are you."
... ... ...
The first time the baby kicks, Finn is so delighted that Quinn just can't help but laugh at the way he just about dances (goofily, she thinks) around the living room.
"Finn!" Carole admonishes as he almost topples over her favorite lamp, but she has a smile on her face. "For heaven's sake, stop jumping around."
"I can't help it, mom," he says, still in that excited tone of his that Quinn thinks is absolutely adorable, "she kicked, our baby kicked!"
He stops dancing long enough to wrap her lithe frame into his arms, almost twirling her around until she's dizzy and laughing so hard she can hardly breathe. She hears Carole scolding Finn to stop spinning her around, but she just stares up into his eyes as he stares down into hers, and she doesn't really care that his mom is standing right there.
"This is amazing," Finn says softly, the biggest smile on his face as he lays a hand on her tummy. "Our baby. That's our baby in there."
"Yeah," she says with a laugh, because really, he is such the sweetest and cutest thing. She's so happy she feels as if her heart's going to burst, and she smiles as she leans in to kiss him, "Our baby."
... ... ...
She hates the name Drizzle.
(It drives her crazy when he won't stop calling the baby by that name, but she keeps the note he gave her, anyway.)
... ... ...
She's lying on her side, staring through the window at the stars as she tries to fall asleep when she hears the bedsprings creak and feels Finn settling into bed beside her.
"I love you, Quinn," he whispers into her ear, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist, his face buried into her curly golden hair.
She closes her eyes and takes a deep, shaky breath as she draws closer, deeper into Finn's arms, feeling her baby kick once, then twice, and it makes her want to start crying again. "I know."
She rolls over on the bed, turns her back on him so he won't have to see her face. She cries silently into her pillow as he reaches over and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear; she doesn't cry for the baby she doesn't even want, but for the boy who loves her with all his heart who she knows she doesn't even deserve.
Her hand closes shakily, then firmly over his. "I love you, too," she tells him, and this is the first time she's ever said those three words to him, because this time she feels that even though their timing's seriously wrong, everything just feels right.
She feels her lips on her bare shoulder, kissing his way up to her neck, and she holds on tightly to his hand as if she were never to let go.
... ... ...
She goes to church by herself one Sunday while Finn and his mom are still asleep, and she stands quietly at the back row so as not to attract attention to herself. She knows almost everyone in that church probably already knows what's happened to her; in a quaint little town like Lima, it's impossible not to, with a scandal like hers.
So she keeps her head down throughout the entire service as the priest drones on and on about redemption and faith and salvation, and she tries to listen but time and time again she hears the whispers and sees the god-awful stares, and suddenly she feels like she's about to throw up, like she can't breathe, like she's suffocating and trapped and can't get the hell out, and god, she shouldn't have come.
She gasps and almost stumbles, averting everyone else's curious and judging stares, a hand clapped over her mouth as she blindly tries to find her way out amidst the throng of people and the tears clouding in her eyes.
As soon as she's outside in the blazing sunlight, a hand on the church's wall as she breathes deeply, in and out, trying to regain some sort of composure, some sort of control, she feels a hand grab her shoulder.
"What are you doing here?"
Quinn doesn't look up, just keeps staring at her shoes as she breathes (in and out, in and out) to try to still her pounding heart.
"Where the hell are you staying now, huh?" the voice says again, gripping her shoulder tighter. "You're staying at that god-awful boy's house, aren't you? God, you have no dignity at all, Quinn! I can't believe you. I can't believe you're my daughter. I can't believe I actually raised you."
She feels the tears start to sting her eyes again as she feels her heart get ripped in two, but she just keeps her hand on the wall to steady herself as she lifts her burning eyes to meet her father's. "And I can't believe you're my father."
She turns away, stumbling down the steps of the church towards Finn's car parked near the entrance. As she fumbles with the keys, she hears her father walk closer, standing five feet away.
"You can't raise that kid, Quinn," she hears her say over the rush of blood in her ears, over the jingling of the keys as she tries to find the fucking right one, "even with that wretched boy helping you. You're freaking sixteen. I know you can't."
"You don't know anything!" she says through her controlled sobs as she finally opens the door and gets inside, blocking her father's painful words out.
Over the angry squeal of the tires as she drives away she hears her father shout, "You're making a big mistake!" from behind her.
She almost crashes the car against the tree outside Finn's house, but she doesn't fucking care; she just leans back on her seat and pounds angrily on the steering wheel, hearing her father's cruel, spiteful words reverberating in her ears.
... ... ...
They talk about the baby's future one night as they're lying in his bed (the sleeping bag rolled up in his closet, forgotten, since that first night he joined her). Quinn fingers the faded old baby blanket she keeps under her pillow as Finn tells stories of his childhood right there in Lima, growing up playing the drums and playing football with Puck and Mike and how his mom would so want to help out in raising their kid (she's just gotten so used to calling it theirs) and how she would totally love the awesome stuff he's already planning for the three of them to do once (Drizzle's) born. She just nods and tries to smile as he goes on, and when he starts talking about how they're so going to be the "most awesomest parents in the world," she bites the insides of her cheeks as she feels the bile rise up inside her throat.
She hates what she's about to tell him, knows she's just going to break his heart, but Finn doesn't know about that one morning with her father at church, and she can't keep his words out of her mind because she knows he's right and she thinks of her life before and how she just can't do this anymore.
"I don't want to keep her."
... ... ...
She thinks about the book Puck stole for her and the heartbroken look on Finn's face and Puck's smile and the way Finn's hand feels like in hers as she hugs Mr. Schue while his wife watches them from behind her.
She knows she's doing the right thing by giving her baby girl to a man she knows will love her just as much as she does, maybe even more, but Finn's face keeps flashing into her mind and she wants to cry because she knows she's already hurt him enough and she's just going to hurt him even more.
... ... ...
"You're really giving her up."
Puck walks her home almost every day now, though just on days Finn has to work. No matter how much she tries to avoid him, even refusing to get inside his truck every time he drives by, he always, always manages to catch up to her just as she's leaving campus grounds, almost like he's waiting for her.
(She doesn't know if she should be annoyed or flattered, but she decides it's kind of nice to have him walk her home, so she doesn't say anything else.)
"I already told you that."
She doesn't look at him. She doesn't want to have to deal with these feelings that surface whenever she sees the devastated look on his face, these feelings that just wouldn't freaking go away.
"You can't do this, Q," he argues, his voice getting harder. "You can't just give her up. She's my kid, too."
"She's my kid, Puck," she says furiously, her patience reaching its limits. "She's not yours, she's not ours. She's mine."
"Is she Finn's?" he sneers. "You know, he's gonna find out. You can't keep this fucking secret for long. Then he's gonna know that–"
"Stop, okay?" she snaps. "I'm not having this discussion. Not with you."
"Why are you doing this?" His voice is tinged with a kind of desperate tone she pretends she doesn't hear. "I told you I'll help you with the baby. I'd do anything for you. For her."
She keeps silent, knowing it's no use.
"What if I tell Finn, huh? Then he's gonna know you freaking screwed him over."
"And aren't you guilty enough?" she says, hating the way her voice cracks, because god does she wish he's as remorseful as she feels, because she feels so damn guilty every single day she's with Finn, especially when he talks about the baby (which is practically every day) and tries to talk her out of giving the baby up, just like Puck's doing right now. "Look. Everything that happened between us was nothing but a mistake. I chose Finn. And that's the way it's always going to be."
She walks ahead and leaves him standing alone on the sidewalk, staring after her. She hears him kick a nearby fence in frustration, but she doesn't look back.
... ... ...
When Finn finds out about Quinn and Puck, she sits out on the bleachers for hours, not caring that she's skipped all her afternoon classes, or that she's probably going to get into trouble for doing so, or that she's hot and dizzy and has a huge headache from crying her eyes out for two hours straight.
She's sitting down with her head on top of her folded arms when she feels a hand on her shoulder, and she looks up into Finn's eyes as he holds an umbrella above her head.
"You should get in the shade," he says, the tone in his voice unreadable.
She gets up, her feet unsteady having not eaten since that morning, and he catches her in his arms before she topples over. As soon as his arms go around her waist she starts fighting back the tears at the concerned look in his eyes.
"Take it easy, Q," he whispers as he steadies her, and she looks up into his eyes, knowing she loves him, knowing he still loves her but he can't, and she feels her heart soar, then break, into a thousand tiny, invisible pieces.
She whispers, "I'm so sorry."
... ... ...
(She tries to piece her heart back together, one by one, one day at a time, but then she sees Finn's hand in Rachel's a month later and she gives up on trying to take it back.
It's always been his.)
... ... ...
After she says goodbye to her friends from the Unwed Mothership Connection, he stays behind in the choir room while she tries to cram for a chemistry exam next period. He just lingers by the door, looking as if he's trying to decide whether or not to go in or just leave as she reads the same freaking paragraph for the eighth time in a row.
"How are you?" he finally asks, kind of awkwardly. "That was…your song, it was…"
Beautiful.
"I know." I know what you're trying to say.
"How's it like?" He shifts his feet, looking uncomfortable. "Living at Puck's?"
She lowers her head. "Fine." She pauses. "He keeps playing SuperMario."
She's kind of relieved when he laughs. "He does do that a lot. The guy's obsessed."
"He is kind of insane," she agrees, smiling a little.
He's silent again, his hands in his pockets, looking down at his feet, and she just watches him, waiting for him to say what's on his mind, though she's sure she knows exactly what it is.
"You let Puck name her."
Why couldn't you let me?
She turns away.
"I know," she says quietly, "but she'll always be Drizzle to me."
The way Finn looks at her then makes her remember exactly why she loved him (and why she always will.)
... ... ...
When the nurse first hands her the baby, she is speechless. She forgets that Puck, and her mom, and Mercedes are all standing right there, forgets that just half an hour ago she was screaming her guts out in pain and frustration, and she now thinks it was all worth it after all. She just stares, stares, stares at her baby girl, at her little fingers and toes, at the soft tufts of hair on the top of her head, at her big, bright blue eyes and gorgeous face, and she vaguely feels everyone else leave the room, giving her time alone, giving her space, and she appreciates it.
She just keeps staring at her baby, at her little girl, feeling as if she needs to memorize every inch of her face, because she knows this might be the first and last time she'll ever get to hold her.
"Hey, baby girl," she whispers in a hoarse, tired voice as she gently rocks her back and forth in her arms, "hello there, my little angel."
The baby just stares back at her in something almost like wonder, and she lets out a teary laugh when a tiny fist shots up and grabs a hold of her index finger.
She presses her lips against the little girl's forehead, then again and again, whispering, "I love you so much," as she stares at her baby as if she just can't get enough of her.
... ... ...
She hates Puck for ruining her life, but she can't help but silently thank him because something kind of amazing came out of this horrible mess.
(And she thinks she's always going to love him somehow for giving her a blessing as amazing as Beth.)
... ... ...
Finn visits her at the hospital the same day Beth is born.
He just comes inside her room, still in his regionals costume, holding a huge bouquet of lilies and freesia mixed with a bunch of baby's breath and a stuffed panda bear in his hands.
"You remembered my favorite," she says, smiling as he puts the flowers in the vase beside her bed, and he smiles back and her heart melts.
"Of course," he says, and he hesitates before he hands her the bear, kind of shyly. "Here."
She bites her bottom lip as she takes it, thinking she knows what this is about.
"It's for her," he mumbles, and she can barely hear him but she doesn't fucking care, "for the baby. Remember?"
And she does. She remembers when he'd told her he'd give the baby the world, and the first thing he'd give her is a stuffed panda bear because he's already given Quinn one of her own 'cause he knows it's her favorite.
She looks up at him, still biting her bottom lip. "Thank you, Finn."
He just smiles in return, then touches her face for a second before saying goodbye and leaving the room.
... ... ...
She catches Finn standing outside the nursery the next day, and she hears him talking quietly to the baby. She stays out of sight, and she doesn't hear much, just bits and pieces here and there: "I just wish…I don't know…you were mine and…I can't…I don't know if I'm allowed to."
She's staring hard at the ceiling, trying not to cry, and when she hears him whisper "I love you" through the glass, she turns away because she thinks it hurts too much.
... ... ...
She signs the adoption papers with Puck. (She doesn't think about it, at least she tries not to, as she signs her name on every page the social services lady tells her to.)
He doesn't hold her. She thinks it's because he might not want to let her go anymore if he did.
She thinks of this, of the pain of having to give Beth up, of the hurt in Puck's eyes, but she doesn't hold his hand, doesn't speak with anyone after the nurse comes to take her baby away. Just lays in her bed quietly, her back to the door, her eyes on the window, deaf to her mother's comforting words and suppressed tears. She just keeps staring hard at the blue, blue sky, her eyes stubbornly dry and hot and tired, and thinks about her baby's blue, blue eyes and perfect little face and tiny little hands and feet.
She got to hold her for thirty minutes.
(She thinks it's the most special and heartbreaking thirty minutes of her life.)
... ... ...
She goes to the hospital when she gets Shelby's text, even though it's the last place she wants to be. She finds her in the lobby, holding baby Beth in her arms, ready to take her to her new home.
She doesn't look at her. (She can't, she can't.)
"I thought you might want to say goodbye."
Quinn shakes her head, her eyes on her feet. "I've had enough of goodbyes, to be honest," she says, and Shelby nods as if she understands.
"She's gorgeous," Shelby says in a voice softer than a whisper. "She looks just like you." Quinn thinks this just about makes her cry.
"I just want to ask one thing from you, Shelby."
"Anything."
She takes a deep breath before looking right into Shelby's eyes, refusing to look at her even though she knows it's probably for the last time, "Love her for me."
... ... ...
She spends the rest of the day sitting out on her front porch, staring out into the peaceful street, looking up into the sky, and she closes her eyes and wishes for the baby she loves with all that she has that she'll never even get the chance of knowing. She stares and stares up at the sky until it turns dark and she can't see anything but the millions of stars.
Puck drives by in his truck at three in the morning. The look on his face tugs painfully at her heart, but she doesn't look at him as he sits beside her on the porch steps. She doesn't make him go away, because she thinks she kind of likes having him there.
He just sits there with his arm brushing hers, until they see the first wee bits of sunrise begin to light up the sky.
... ... ...
(She keeps a photo of her and Beth at the hospital between the pages of her bible.
Every night she stares at it for hours, thinking, "I love you, I love you, I love you," until she falls asleep.)
... ... ...
The third day she stays home from school after letting Beth go, she opens her front door to find Finn standing on her front porch, his hands in his pockets, looking shyly down at her.
The first thing he does is hug her, just wrapping her body tightly into his arms. (Her first instinct is to cry, because she misses this, and she knows he's supposed to hate her and he doesn't, and she just wraps her arms around his waist and hugs him back with all that she has.)
They sit together on her back porch swing just like old times, her legs dangling and his, as usual, scraping the floor. They just sit there for a while in silence, but it's a comfortable one and she hasn't felt that way around him in such a long time. He gives her a sideways glance and she blushes as she pretends not to notice.
"How are you?" he begins, a bit awkwardly.
She sighs, shakes her hair back, and breathes in the cool afternoon breeze. "Could be better. Could be worse."
"Yeah." He nods, then says, "I'm really sorry."
She looks at him, surprised. "What for?"
"You know," he shrugs, still kind of awkwardly. "I know how much you love her."
She just bites her lip as he takes her hand in his and squeezes tightly before letting go.
... ... ...
That night, he calls her for the first time since they broke up.
She doesn't really know what to say at first, and neither does he, but then he cracks an awkward joke and she feels herself start to laugh as she remembers how simple the way things between them used to be.
They don't talk very long; he just asks how she's doing and when she's coming back to school, but before he hangs up he mumbles something that she doesn't think she'd ever hear from him again. She clears her throat, hates how her face reddens, how he still has this effect on her, then murmurs, "I miss you, too."
... ... ...
He drops by again two days later when she's still not back in school, and this time she lets him into the living room. He brings her her homework even though he knows she doesn't care and tells her about glee as he settles into the couch next to her. The TV's blaring but they don't pay attention as she smiles and nods at his stories about Mr. Schue and Mike and Artie and Tina and Kurt and Mercedes, and later, when they run out of things to say, he whips out his Nintendo DS and teaches her how to play SuperMario Kart because he thinks the original SuperMario is super overrated.
She beats all his high scores (and she brings out a deck of cards and beats him in a bunch of other games, too) and he complains that she shouldn't be playing if she's such a pro, and she just smiles and laughs when he jokingly tries to grab his DS away from her. He drives to a 7-Eleven nearby and comes back with sodas and popcorn and Double Stuf Oreos and huge bags of chips, and then he stays and plays games and watches stupid sitcoms on TV with her because Modern Family's on hiatus and nothing else is on that they can agree upon.
It's almost ten o'clock when he says he has to leave, but he leaves his DS behind after he makes her promise to take good care of it and not play it in the bath because that's so just going to get it wet, and her laughter falters when he tentatively brushes his lips against her forehead. She watches him go, silently thanking him for giving her the best day she's had in such a long while.
... ... ...
She plays SuperMario Kart that evening. It makes her want to call Finn to tell him she just owned him again and cleared all his high scores off the board, but when she dials his number it goes straight into voicemail.
When she hears Rachel laughing in the background of Finn's goofy pre-recorded voice message, she hangs up and throws her phone in the laundry basket all the way across the room.
... ... ...
She spends the rest of her summer trying to rehabilitate her relationship with her mom. They don't talk about her dad, or their divorce, or Finn and Puck and Beth, but they go to church every Sunday and visit her older sister Frannie in New York for two weeks because she just really misses having her around. They go sightseeing and shopping for new dresses that now actually fit her again and try all sorts of exotic food and Frannie and her husband take them to see Rent live on Broadway. At night she and her sister would lie under the covers in the room Quinn's sleeping in and talk and gossip just like old times. Sometimes they talk about their dad and they talk about their mom, and then Frannie holds her close when Quinn remembers Beth (and Puck and Finn) and she just feels so, so happy that her big sister's there to listen to her and understand her when no one else could.
She checks her phone only in the middle of the night, when she hears her sister breathing softly beside her. She deletes all of Puck's texts without reading them (she's already read a few and they were all the same, call me, call me, call me) and ignores all the calls he makes throughout the entire summer, sending them straight into voicemail.
Sometimes she pauses on Finn's name when scrolling through her phonebook.
She doesn't call him once. (Even though she really wants to.)
... ... ...
She meets Sam on the first day of the new school year, when they're paired for this lame activity in Mr. Schue's Spanish class.
He smiles shyly at her as he scoots his chair closer to hers, and it's the first time that day that no one's looked at her with derision, or animosity, or sympathy that makes her remember every single bad thing that happened last year, and it just feels so new, so refreshing, that she can't help but smile back.
... ... ...
A week after their so-not-a-date at Breadstix, she torrents Avatar on her computer. The next day when he meets her at her locker she tells him it's the lamest thing she's ever seen.
He just shakes his head, hands her the usual cup of coffee he buys her every morning, and blushes as he laughs.
... ... ...
She knows Sam's heard things about her, but it takes her a while before could admit to him the truth. When she finally does, he doesn't say anything and just hugs her close, brushing his lips against the top of her hair. There's no hint of judgment in his eyes, no contempt or disdain, and she thinks she already likes him a whole lot more, just for that.
... ... ...
She loves the feeling of Sam's fingers intertwined in hers as they walk down the hallways. She loves how he takes her on the most fun dates and makes her watch the stupidest movies, loves how he's made her sit through all six of the Star Wars films and actually bowl a strike and eat anchovies on her pizza and play mini golf for the first time in her life.
Sam's the first person to make her this happy in a long while, so she hates how she still thinks about Finn every single freaking day.
... ... ...
When Sam talks about football or his classes or other stuff she could care less about but listens to anyway just to humor him, something about him, about the innocent look in his eyes, just reminds her of Finn. That something about them just looks the same. Like they could almost pass as the same person.
(Only they aren't, because Sam isn't Finn.)
... ... ...
When she hears about Puck's loss of control and Sam's bruised face as its result, she is so freaking pissed it's not even funny.
She corners Puck later that afternoon, tells her she is not his fucking property (not in those words, but she may as well have used them) and then hisses, "Stay out of my life!" venomously into his ear.
(She feels guilty about it the minute she walks away.)
... ... ...
She sits next to Puck in the otherwise empty choir room the next day and stares him down. He sighs.
"I just…" he begins, shaking his head, "it's just, it's you and I just couldn't–"
She bites her lip, then looks up at the door as the rest of the glee club comes filing in, talking loudly; Sam's eyebrows are raised questioningly, and Finn just has this look on his face she can't even begin to interpret. "I know."
... ... ...
"Puck still cares about you, you know," Sam tells her over the phone that evening. "I get why he did it."
She lies back on her bed and just stares at the glow-in-the-dark stars Finn once helped her glue onto the ceiling.
... ... ...
She hands Puck a photo after glee rehearsal a couple of days later. He stares at it really hard for a second, transfixed.
"I just wanted to thank you," she says quietly, "for Beth."
Suddenly, he drops his head in his hands, and she doesn't think she'll ever forget the day she's first seen Noah Puckerman cry.
She rubs small, comforting circles on his back, and when he finally looks up, he just smiles a little bit before tucking the photo of Beth inside his wallet. She knows it's likely to stay there for a while, and she realizes it doesn't really matter anymore.
... ... ...
The first time Sam says "I love you" to her, she just smiles and kisses him.
(She doesn't say "I love you" back.)
... ... ...
She watches Finn and Rachel kiss in the hallway. Maybe her hand tightens around Sam's as she blames the tears in her eyes on the fact that Sam just whispered he loves her in her ear.
... ... ...
When she tries to return Finn's gee-gee, he just shakes his head and doesn't take it back.
"She should have it," he murmurs. "It should be hers."
"But – it's yours."
"Yeah, but… it was always going to be hers, anyway. I still love her, Quinn," he says to his lap, refusing to look at her. "I can't – I can't stop loving her."
She has tears in her eyes, but she holds them back. "I know."
"I'm – I'm sorry. I don't know if I'm…allowed to love her, but I just do, and – and–"
She doesn't look at him, looks at anything and everywhere in the room but at him. "You don't have to be sorry."
... ... ...
"You're not a deadbeat, Puck," she tells him, looking down at her hands. "You're not your dad. You're better."
He doesn't say anything, because she supposes he still wants to keep a straight face, but she thinks she already knows from the look in his eyes what he wants to say.
She knows Puck loves her, though she isn't sure if she's talking about herself or the baby. Maybe it's both.
She realizes she doesn't really mind. Except that she knows she'll probably never learn to love him back, even if she tried.
... ... ...
She and Finn sit on her porch swing for hours the day he breaks up with Rachel.
She can tell he's trying not to cry, and she holds him, whispers soothingly in his ear and runs her fingers through his hair as she feels something break inside of her.
... ... ...
He starts driving her home every day when he doesn't have football practice. Sometimes he stays over until it's late and they still both have homework to do; and one afternoon as she's waiting for him in the sidelines and she squeals as it starts to rain, she spots him racing towards her and pretty much tackles her onto the ground, laughing hysterically all the way. She doesn't even care that her hair is all wet and that her makeup is ruined and her Cheerios uniform is all muddy and dirty.
She catches the flu the next day, but Finn brings over some hot chicken soup and his DS and a pack of cardsfor another afternoon of bad sitcoms and games, and that's where it starts.
... ... ...
She kisses him in an empty hallway just to thank him. It wasn't to make her have all these feelings she'd thought she'd gotten rid of. It wasn't supposed to mean anything.
(Unfortunately, it did.)
... ... ...
She forgets that they're in the middle of a crowded hallway, forgets that Sam is standing right there.
(She thinks of nothing but fireworks.)
... ... ...
(She avoids Sam the rest of the day because she just feels so damn guilty….again.
But then Finn's right there, holding her hand, and she blocks everything away as she rests her head on his shoulder just like old times.)
... ... ...
They kiss again in the auditorium, over&over&over.
(She thinks each kiss is even more amazing than the last.)
... ... ...
It hurts her to know he thinks she never loved him.
"I did love you, Finn," she says to him as they're sitting together on the bleachers, their faces upturned towards the sky, his fingers maybe grazing hers once in a while.
"I know." It takes a while to say it, but he does: "It's always been you."
She feels her heart pour out of her, right into the palm of his hand.
(She thinks that's where it's always meant to be.)
... ... ...
Even though he's supposed to be in bed because of his mono, he gets up when his mom and Burt are out and drives to her house. They sit on the steps of her front porch and talk about last year, and Sam, and Rachel, and she apologizes, again and again, for cheating and lying and hurting him, but he just shakes his head and touches her hand and tells her he's already forgiven her a long time ago.
"Why?" she asks in spite of herself, finally voicing out the question that's been plaguing her since the day they finally became sort of friends again. "Why did you? If I were you and you did that to me… I would hate me forever."
"I never hated you."
She looks at him in frustration, feeling like she should shake him. Why not? Why don't you hate me?
He looks down at his hands for a second before looking up into her eyes, like he knows what she's thinking, "Because I love you."
She doesn't miss the way he doesn't say it in the past tense, and her heart screams when his thumb brushes across her palm as he gently entwines her fingers with his own.
... ... ...
She sees Finn and Rachel share this look, and she runs down the hallway and ruins her mascara as she cries over the bathroom sink.
("I love you," he whispers to her, and she notices the way he stresses on the 'you,' as though he's trying to convince himself, too.
She pretends it doesn't hurt.)
... ... ...
"Beth would've been proud to have you as a mom, you know," Puck tells her when she lets him walk her home one afternoon.
She's not even lying when she says, "She would've been proud to have you, too."
He smiles, and she thinks Puck's not so bad, when it's just the two of them.
... ... ...
"You're going to get out of Lima, Quinn. I promise you."
"I wish I knew that for sure."
"You will." The other girl looks at her for a second before giving her a shy smile. "I believe in you."
It's during that moment that she thinks that maybe, just maybe, Rachel really isn't all that bad, either.
... ... ...
"Thanks for this," Sam tells her as they tuck Stevie and Stacy into bed, and the way he's smiling at her makes her remember how he made her happy in ways she could never thank him enough.
She pulls the comforter over the kids' sleeping forms and sighs. "I just…wanted to make it up to you."
Sam looks down and watches his younger siblings with their arms around each other as they slept, oblivious. "You're really awesome for doing this."
"You don't have to thank me. I know what it's like…" she smiles a tiny smile, "not having anywhere else to go."
It hurts to admit it out loud, but he just nods and touches her hand for a second, and it's kind of nice, and she realizes that all things considered, she'll miss this, she'll miss them, because Sam was there for her when no one else was.
"Could we, you know," he shifts his feet kind of shyly, "still be friends?"
Her heart swells. "Of course we can. I just…thought you hated me."
"I could never hate you," he shakes his head with a sad sort of smile. "I guess a part of me just knew, you know?"
"Knew what?"
"That it'll always be you and him."
He smiles that sad smile again, and then he folds her in his arms and she lets him hug her for a long time before she says goodbye.
... ... ...
Finn babysits Stevie and Stacy with her even though she knows he's got football practice, but she figures it's his way of apologizing for not believing her when she told him she didn't cheat on him this time around. (She tries to forget how much it hurt that somehow he still doesn't trust her enough.)
They spend the afternoon chasing Stevie and Stacy around the playground near the motel, and later he whispers in Stevie's ear and when they come back they're both carrying a bunch of lilies and freesia from the florist across the street and Quinn blushes when Finn kisses her on the cheek.
When she tucks Stacy in bed she goes back to the living room and Finn's still there, lying down on the couch with a sleeping Stevie on his chest; he smiles up at her, and she feels her heart start to race the way it always does.
... ... ...
She makes her way down the stairs in her pale blue dress and her hair tumbling down her shoulders in soft, gentle curls, and she thinks it's adorable, the way he blinks slowly up at her, and she blushes when he wraps her in his arms without taking his eyes off of her and tells her she's beautiful, over and over and over.
... ... ...
She doesn't win Prom Queen, but she spends the night dancing with her old girlfriends from the Cheerios and singing her heart out with the rest of the New Directions, and later she sees Puck's cheeks redden as he asks an equally blushing Rachel for a dance. (She thinks it's the cutest thing in the world.)
Finn pulls her close to him and they sway slowly from side to side despite the super fast dance beat and the bodies jostling them from all around. She puts her head against his shoulder and forgets everything else except the feel of his arms around her waist and his soft lips against hers.
She's through trying to find her perfect fairytale.
(She hates how she sounds like such a sap, but she thinks she's already found her happy ending with Finn, anyway.)
... ... ...
She tears up when he kisses her as they're standing on her front porch when he takes her home well after midnight. "You are so beautiful."
(She remembers the photo of her old self inside his wallet, of Lucy Caboosey, of how he held her that day and told her she's beautiful no matter what, and she doesn't think it's possible to love him even more than she does now.)
"What's wrong?" he asks, noticing the way the corners of her eyes are wet and the way she's biting her bottom lip to keep from crying. "Are you okay?"
She shakes her head and takes his hand in hers, letting it swing between them forward and backward, in a perfect rhythm. "I'll be okay," she smiles. "Everything's great."
... ... ...
"It's always been you," she whispers to him.
He smiles, and it makes her heart flutter. "It's always been us."
... ... ...
They're lying quietly on her bed when he rolls over, takes her hand in his, and looks at her with this expression that makes her heart race wildly (the same way it always does).
"What?" she asks with a smile, clasping their fingers together; it still amazes her how his big hand just perfectly fits in hers.
He kisses her once, then twice, so gently it makes her want to cry. "I love you."
She smiles and touches his face in that gentle way of hers, and his head turns slightly so his lips are kissing her hand (over&over&over). "I love you, too," and for the first time in her life, she thinks that she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him, having small, sweet moments just like this.
... ... ...
She thinks this is as close to perfect as she's ever gonna get.
(She's through with looking for perfection. This is perfect. She and Finn – they're perfect.)