The Hyrule Warriors Parody

"Where ….. where am I?" A young woman spoke in a pitch black room. "What happened to me? I remember I was in my throne room with Link and then …. Someone barged in and?" Zelda felt a sudden pain on her head. She tried feeling it, but found that she was tied to a chair. "Oh Gods! What happened to me? What's happening to my castle, my people?"

The fear inside her built, but then she heard a soft laughter.

"How does it feel to lose everything, Zelda? To have as much as a common rat?" asked another woman with a sinister tone.

The captive blonde woman, Zelda, recognized the voice. "Cia? The Caretaker of the Triforce?"

Torches lit up to reveal Cia, a seductively dressed woman wearing a party mask with a long nose. Cia walked gratefully around Zelda. She placed her hands on Zelda's shoulder and moved real close. "I know your greedy heart; you will go mad by the drastic change in your life!"

Zelda's heart beat faster. "What happened? Why are you doing this? You're a good person!"

Cia quickly glared right into Zelda's eyes. "A good person you say? Was I good enough to have valuables? Was I good enough to have a care free life? Was I good enough to have a land of my own?" Cia moved closer to Zelda while breathing deeply. "Was I good enough … for Link?!"

Zelda's eyes widen. "You still haven't gotten over Link?!"

(Play Groose's theme)

Zelda burst out laughing. "Oh my god! Can't you take a hint?! Link like charged you five times for personal invasion oh miss 'Overly attached girlfriend'." Zelda made the meme face for a few seconds and began laughing again.

Cia turned red with anger. "Hey, he is mine!"

"And I'm sure you've painted plenty of pictures while he was asleep." Zelda smirked. She looked around the evil looking room with medieval torture devices. "So are these your toys you want to share with Link?"

Cia used her black magic to burst into flames. "How dare you?! Our love is pure! We are destined to be united, and your Kingdom will be mine!"

Zelda lifted an eyebrow. "So you want to hear the complaints about the health insurance? Go right ahead. I'm sure you can do a better job."

Cia folded her shoulders. "You are in no condition to tell jokes." Cia clapped her hands. "Minions!" Two Bokoblins walked inside. "Take the prisoner to the balcony to show her my power." So the monsters lifted up the princess, who still had a smirk, and followed Cia to the balcony. Outside, Cia casted her arms up. "Behold my army of darkness!"

Zelda looked at all the different enemies from the previous Zelda games. "Army of darkness? Really? Why not say, 'I'll take over the world' or 'Darkness will cover the Earth' how about after you failed 'how can I be defeated? I'm the dark witch!' and then get killed by gravity."

Cia snarled at her. "Look at them all, there are thousands of them; and as we speak, a hundred of my minions are invading your castle as we speak."

Zelda closed her eyes and smiled cheerfully. "I'm just going to guess at this but, they'll die in a few slashes and throwing bombs in Dodongos's mouth will kill them."

Cia gasped at the Dodongo part. "No …. What experience to you have?"

"Oh, I made sure my soldiers train in the way of Dynasty Warriors." Then the two Bokoblins smiled, showing large and shiny teeth that sparkled. "Plus I got Impa on my side. She's more of a badass then any of your troops."

Cia placed her knuckled on her waist. "What foul language; but in your tongue, I know that these two are more 'badass'." Cia snapped her fingers and two more minions game. One is a red armor wearing man with a ponytail and wears a horned skull that looks like Volvagia named Valga. The other one is a Poe like monster with a single red eye named Wizro. "There are Valga and Wizro. You of course remember Valga"

Cia then noticed that Valga isn't paying attention to the conversation. Instead, he was looking through a mirror. "Oh my god, I just can't un-see this."

Cia sighed. "Well this was a cursed ring that I had animated. He's-" But then Wizro latched onto Cia's leg.

"Mommy!"

Zelda laughed. "Oh you're killing me alright!" Zelda calmed down in a few minutes as Cia was about ready to blow. "So what's the deal here? Were you planning on this the whole time or did you think we betrayed you or something?"

Cia examined her fingers. "I have been in contact with a powerful evil spirit that was sealed away long ago. It has encouraged me to fulfill my desires."

Zelda became curious by this. "Is it Ganon?"

Cia glanced at Zelda. "Possibly, it might throw a bone at us. I could be Majora or … what are you doing!?" Cia shot a thunderbolt up into the air. "You will hand over your Kingdom to me or else!"

But then a burnt Tingle landed in front of them. "Oh miss fairy lady, why you attack me? I'm only a child."

Zelda and Cia looked at each other, and then decide to beat the crap out of Tingle.

After they kicked Tingle into the army of monster, Cia and Zelda walked into Cia's lair where Valga was examining a diagram of the Fire Temple boss and Wizro was finger painting.

"So Cia, what will you do to me which will make Link hate you?"

Cia laughed. "Oh he won't hate me; after I send these." Cia held out sheets of paper. "These fake documents tell about corruption in your city like thief and tyranny. Link will dump you and realize I'm his special one."

Zelda looked at the documents. "Yeah, we only go by hard evidence. You even spelled my name wrong."

Cia skimmed at Zelda's name and crumbled it up. "Well I have other plots. Look at this!" Cia showed Zelda a fake Zelda. "This is Shadow Zelda."

"Ugh." sighed Zelda.

"She will replace you and you will commit horrific crimes against humanity." Cia began laughing evilly.

Zelda looked at the shadow duplicate. "You got a plan for the shadow part?"

That's when Cia realized that Shadow Zelda is indeed in fact a shadow. "No-Not to worry, I have my black magic given to me by maybe Ganon." Cia casted a spell on the shadow, but she only turned one color. "Just wait a minute." Cia tried again, it is turned into another single color.

"I'll help, mommy!" Wizro brought over his paint and worked on Shadow Zelda's face. "All done!" Wizro showed the two that he had drawn a kitty cat face.

"Your magic truly is horrific." said Zelda.

Cia's face turned red again with anger. "Oh you have seen nothing yet. Come!" Cia and Zelda climbed up into a tower and Cia revealed another project. "This is a death ray run by nuclear energy. One push of a button and everyone in your castle city will die."

Zelda looked up at the death machine. "You do realize that this is a medieval world, this can't exist."

Then the Death ray poof out of existence. Cia then shot out steam from her ears. "You … you!"

Then Wizro ran in. "Mommy and blondy, we have company!" Wizro pretended to be a bird and lead them back to the balcony. There they saw Cia's entire army defeated by Link and his followers.

"Oh lookey here, Link fought off your entire army." said Zelda.

Cia took out a telescope and saw the man she has her eyes on, Link. "Link …" Cia's eyes turned into hearts. "You will soon be mine."

Zelda then smirked. "Looks like common soldiers weren't the only thing he brought."

Cia looked back and saw Link and some other riding on horses to get close enough to be heard.

Link looked up at Cia and gulped. "Not this stalkerrrrrr!" Link then noticed how seductively Cia is dressed. "Uhhhhh NO NO! Remember the privacy invaded, remember it!" Link shook his head. "Cia, I have come to save Princess Zelda."

"It's Queen Zelda, I'm taking the critic's advice." called out Zelda.

Link held his sword up with courage. "I have come with not just the royal army, but my new friends as well." One by one, Link named all the playable characters.

"My uncle!" the swordman uncle of Link from 'A Link to the Past'

"Linebeck!" The greedy captain from 'Phantom Hourglass'.

"The Great Fairy!" The giant fairy from multiple Zelda Games.

"Kaepora Gaebora!" The annoying owl from 'Ocarina of Time'.

"Beedle" The shopekeeper first appearing in 'Wind Waker'

"Dampe" The gravedigger from 'Ocarina of Time' who I can't get the ' over the e.

"Mutoh!" The angry carpenter from 'Ocarina of Time'

"Talon!" The lazy farmer from a few games, but I won't mention the first because we've listed that too much.

"Error!" I am Error.

"Gossip Stone!" Gossip Stone whispered to Error about unimportant facts.

"Navi!" Hey look listen!

"My British Cousin!" Link dressed as a British man with … please don't make the teeth like that.

"And Finally …."

"Tingle!" Tingle hopped around and threw some confetti.

Everyone looked at Tingle, and decided to beat the crap out of him. "And stay away from the Smash Bros. Slots!"

"He just had to mention Smash Bros." sighed Zelda.

Cia looked at the crowed again and smiled. "Well, Zelda. I don't see your friend, Impa. She must have ran from the fear of me!"

Zelda cleared her throat. Cia turned around and saw Impa holding a gun at Cia's head.

"That thing's supposed to poof now!" shouted Cia while the gun remained. Then all of the characters stormed through the building, some tripping on Wizro's toys, and entered the balcony.

Link held his sword at Cia. "Cia, you have…" Link then starred at Cia's breast again while the witch took noticed.

"What do you think?" Cia winked at Link as she moved her hands down her body.

"Slut!" shouted Zelda.

Link continued to stare as his mind fought with himself. "So … perfect. NO, she's crazy! She tried to kill my friends so she'll be my only friend. But the breasts …. The outfit …. The legs …. Figure!"

Then Wizro latched onto Link's leg. "Daddy!"

"AHHHHHHH!" Link's sexual thoughts were destroyed as he tried to shake Cia's child off him.

As that was going on, Impa held the gun at Cia's face. "Those who threaten the royal family shall Ahhhuu!" Something grasped onto Impa's arm and dug into the skin.

"No hurt mommy!" snarled Wizro right before tearing Impa's arm off.

"Ahhhh!" Impa screamed in pain.

"Impa!" Zelda kneeled down at Impa to care for her. Then Wizro took Impa's gun and shot Impa's head, pelvis, her left and right shoulder, and then in the heart.

"Amen!" Wizro turned to the other characters and shot them all too. When he was about to kill Error, Wizro ran out of bullets. Wizro looked at the 8-bit man with a sinister laugh. The dark wizard grabbed onto Error's neck and repeatedly bashed his skull on the floor. They all watched with horror as Wizro count the blows for a long time. "Six hundred and sixty four, six hundred and sixty five…" Wizro then lifted Error ten stories high! "Six hundred and sixty six!" Wizro dove down and made the finishing blow on Error.

Wizro panted heavily as he turned to the three survivors. He slowly floated toward Cia and said, "Mommy!" he reverted back to his child phase and hugged his mother's leg.

(Five days later)

Cia was sitting on a bench with Link and Zelda. "It will be O.K., Wizro was sent to a better place." said Zelda with comfort. "It ….. it had to be this way. I'm sorry."

Link placed his hand on Cia, which caught her off guard. "I …. I want to apologize about calling you a stalker."

Cia stared at Link for a while, and then leaned on him and cry. "He … he saw me as a mother. I just took him as a young fool and …." Cia had flashbacks of Wizro causing troubles, but then he apologized and tried doing anything to fix it, him making projects to make Cia proud, and Wizro caring for Cia when she was sick. "Why …. Why!?" Cia's cried out louder as Link comfort her in his arms.

"There there." Link placed his hand on Cia's head. "Just let it all out.

A few days had passed and a funeral was held. A coffin was placed in its final resting place on a rainy day. Cia continued to cry as Link held her in his arms.

Some years have passed since that day; Cia and Link have begun spending more time together. They shopped together, had some picnics, saw some plays, and even went on a few trips. One day, Link came to Cia's home. Some remaining monsters let the hero in.

"Cia, can I ask you something?" Link saw Cia rearranging some pictures of herself, some minions, Wizro, and her and Link's time together.

"Oh Link!" Cia cheerfully ran over and hugged Link and pecked him on the lips. "What is it?" Cia, now not wearing a mask, asked.

Link brought her to a couch to talk. "We've been going out for some time now and it has been the greatest years of my life."

Cia sighed with happiness. "Oh Link, mine too." Cia then thought to herself. "The look in his eyes, the talk of our time together. Can it be?"

Link took a deep breath. "Thought out my life, I have a thrill of adventure! And now, I want to start a new adventure, with you!" Link then took out a ring. "Cia, will you-"

But then blood curdling screams came from outside. Loud thumbing was heard from the door. Link drew out this sword and ordered Cia to get behind him. When the doors broke down, there stood a blood soaked Zelda. "Get … away ….. from my ….. MMMMMMATE!"

Zelda's Triforce of Wisdom showed a black aura. She held out her hand and shot a magic sphere.

Link pushed Cia way. "Cia, run!" Link held his shield up, but the magic attack shattered it. Link was forced into the wall, where Cia helped him up and opened a secret passage way. Cia ordered a hoard of Skelkids to hold Zelda off as she and Link escaped.

Zelda used psychic powers to bash the skeletons into each other. "Run run run as fast as you can." Zelda walked into the passage way. "Where are you, my love?"

Cia and Link managed to get outside where a flowerbed opened up to reveal a stairway. Link regained his energy and called forth Epona. Link threw Cia on and ordered Epona to run.

"But Link!" Cia tried calling out.

"Cia, she's after you! I'll try stopping her! Please just get as far away from her as possible! Please…" a tear drop ran down Link's and Cia's face.

When Cia was out of site, Zelda slowly walked up and Link drew his sword. "Zelda, please stop this! I know we once had something, but you have to get over yourself and move …. Oh Gods you're not Zelda!"

Standing in front of Link was the painted Shadow Zelda.

"What's going on!"

Farther away, Cia was riding Epona through a forest. Up ahead, Valga was running toward Cia. "Master Cia, I've finally realize my connection with Volvagia!" Then Epona ran him over.

Cia paid no attention to anything around her, only Link. "My love!" Then Epona stopped suddenly and Cia tumbled off. Cia stood up and saw the real Zelda.

"Where are you running off to?" Zelda licked her lips and walked toward her. Cia shot a fireball at Zelda, but she backhanded it away.

Then Epona back kicked her. Cia hopped onto Epona and they ran the other direction, and ran over Valga again.

Back at Cia's lair, Link ran toward Cia while Shadow Zelda was repeatedly hitting herself with a baseball bat. "I got to …. I must!" Link then saw Cia and Epona coming back.

"Link, She's after us!"

When they reached each other, Zelda suddenly appeared between them. "I've come for my mate." Zelda held her cursed Light Arrow and looked at the two.

Link jumped in front of Cia and held his arms up, but Cia pushed him away. "No Link, I think I can reason with her."

Zelda aimed her arrow as Cia spoke. "Zelda, I know how you feel. I remember when Link and you were always together. That was when I was cursed by-"

But without warning, Zelda shot her arrow ….. at Link.

The arrow pierced Link's shoulder. Link cried in pain.

"Link!" Cia called out. She turned to Zelda. "Look at what your darkness has done! You harmed the one you love!"

Zelda slowly lowered her bow and smiled. "What do you mean? Link's not my mate."

Cia and Link's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?!" they both asked.

Zelda sighed quietly. "Through all my life, I was confused about me. I tried searching for myself, but I'd never did." She looked at Cia. "Then you came along and …" Zelda looked away. "Cia …. You're the one I love."

"WHAT!?" They both shouted.

"You heard right." Zelda looked straight into Cia's eyes. "I knew it the moment you kidnapped me. We were meant to be together."

Cia stared for the longest time. "Zelda ….. I feel the same way!"

"WWWWWHAAAT!" Link fell to the ground.

Cia looked down at Link, oblivious to the arrow in his shoulder. "We're threw."

Link's heart shattered as he dropped the ring he was going to propose with.

The two women embraced each other. Zelda's hands moved close to Cia's breast, Cia gazed gratefully into Zelda's eyes. Their lips moved closer to each other and….

"Waaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" We now see a frighten Tingle awoken in his bed at night. "That was a horrifying nightmare!"

Hyrule Warriors

Coming to Japan in August

Coming to Europe and the U.S. at an Unknown date

A/N: In case you're wondering why I spelled Cia instead of Shia, on Nintendo's website it said Cia.