Familialis Pacti
By Penmom
Chapter 1
A.N. – We start with a glimpse into Bella's mind in the months after she is turned.
BPOV
It is different than I thought it would be - being a vampire. I sometimes wonder if Edward intentionally kept it the sheer wildness from me but then I think no. No, of course not remembering his hesitancy, his lack of trust in himself.
I wonder at it - this wildness as I call it.
I wonder at all of them and at how they keep it under control day end and day out. Only with Jasper, do you really see the control, the struggle in his eyes. It's like they are all gifted with this monumental self-control. Then I remember that they all have their careful outlets - they have each other, they have the hunt and they have the expertise of years of practice whereas I do not.
I am wild, teetering on the edge of I don't know what most of the time. My mind is everywhere all at once. I kind of think it's always been that way but now, now I can actually keep track and go down every path at once.
From the moment I opened my eyes, everything was more. More everything, more me, more to see, more to want. I can see why it is so easy to lose track of who you were. Everything new is overwhelming and now you remember everything. Who you were is lost under a flood of newness.
I am lucky that some of my newness brings me back to myself; my history with Edward, my family, our baby. These things tether me to the world and I am grateful. I imagine that it must kind of feel like trying acid or something – which of course I would never do. The colors, the sounds, everything around me seems to expand before my eyes.
My family reassures me that this is normal. That actually I am doing extremely well for a baby vamp.
Sure, I think…
The hunting is so different than I thought it would be, in that I immediately had a new set of instincts. There is zero effort involved just a tremendous appetite and drive. None of the hang-ups I worried about as a human give me pause now.
Then there is Edward. I mentioned his previous hesitancy, his continuous worry over harming me and now I can see why. It is as of a switch of some kind was thrown in him when I was changed. And just as much as me changing, he changed too. I think he simply gave himself permission to release a part of himself that he had been holding back for a very long time. Seeing me in this form, seemed to allow him to finally accept himself.
All of my family has mentioned the change that has come over him. Carlisle especially wonders over it since vampires so rarely change. I think Edward changed long ago but didn't allow himself to express these changes. I know psychologists would have a field day with that one but I would simply rather accept it.
And what are these changes?
He is a fierce and sensual being. Even the way he moves has changed. When he enters a room, he takes charge, he commands attention. He seems taller if that can be and his eyes pierce everyone he looks at. Carlisle seems happy with this manifestations of Edward's self- acceptance and almost appears lighter himself, seeing Edward as someone who is capable of protecting our family without hesitation or worry.
Edward is now quite dominant, enjoying fighting with his brothers and even Jacob. He is not likely to back down now and likes to win.
The first time I encountered this side of him was directly after my first hunt when he simply looked at me and softly commanded "run."
I was already flying through the woods when I realized I had followed his direction without conscious thought. He gave chase, penning me to a tree when I was caught. He handled me in such a way that I had no doubt who was in control. He kept one hand on the small of my back while pulling the remains of my undergarments away from my body, entering me with all of his supernatural speed before driving his fangs into my neck.
Afterward, he shared that he had dreamed of such a tableau since we first met, all the while, knowing that such an attack would have killed me in moments.
He is most his old self with Nessie, speaking softly and patiently to her at all times. I find myself wondering if he sees the old me in her, as I watch his careful movements.
He has even made a careful peace with Jacob. Between seeing into his mind so clearly and being privy to Alice's visions of the future, he knows that they are fated.
Jacob's ill placed feelings towards me seemed to immediately sort themselves out once he saw Nessie. As he saw it, I was his link to her. His attraction to me was simply the closest he could get to the potential of her coming into being. God, it made my head hurt to think about that too much!