Warning: Spoilers for tonight's second, potentially landmark episode, "Road Trip"
On the outside, not a single thing was different in Leslie Knope's house at midnight. She wasn't sleeping, but it would have been downright shocking if she was. Yet she was going about her normal routine, which was easier now that she was done packing up for tomorrow. Everything she needed to avoid trouble in tomorrow's road trip was packed, and ready to defuse any….tension.
As such, she now had nothing to worry about, as she could treat this like any other night, and focus back on work before cooling down. Even if work was part of her problem now- or at least it was before she figured out how to solve it. But now no work or road trips, or anyone else involved in the trip, would make her slip up now, and therefore there was no need to think about it.
There would be no need to think about what would happen if it didn't work, and how bad…..or not, it would be if it didn't.
Starting now.
On the outside, only a few things were different in Ben Wyatt's room at midnight. He wasn't completely packed yet for tomorrow's trip, but he was in no hurry. Packing quickly, and rushing out of a house or town had become old hat to him, so there was no need to finish now. Even if this was the first time he'd have to pack up quickly in a long while, since he didn't feel such a rush to leave for once.
He was eager to get out of town, but not because that town was burning effigies of him this time. In this case, he knew he'd be right back- no matter how many things might be different when he got back. But in addition, there was a kind of reluctance to head on the road, although it wasn't because of the trip itself, per se. It was rather because of the consequences that might unfold during the trip.
Even if there was only one reason why they wouldn't be the greatest consequences of his adult life.
And since packing up would further taunt him of that, he was really in no rush to finish up right now.
It was sad that even in their heads, Leslie and Ben had to be cryptic about liking each other, and trying to fight it so they wouldn't violate Chris's dating policy. Even when they weren't at work, they couldn't give themselves one second to be truthful, even in their minds. If they couldn't say what they wanted to each other, there should be at least one avenue where they could think it.
Yet thinking like that tonight would bring to mind tomorrow's solo, overnight road trip, and what they wanted to come out of it. Or didn't want and yet secretly wanted anyway. Or what they secretly wanted, and then had to force themselves to stop thinking about.
If they couldn't even block it out of their heads tonight, then how would it be possible on the road, or in Indianapolis, or in anywhere else they might be tomorrow? That's why Leslie willed herself to have her usual sleepless night, and why Ben tried to go to sleep sooner than usual.
At 12:45 a.m., Ben still wasn't asleep, although he'd finally gotten himself to stop thinking. But he still just couldn't go the extra mile, no matter how much he tried to make himself sleep. He should have known that this wouldn't work, given past experiences. It was the same way during a lot of Christmas Eves, and the night before the election too. Now yet again, he couldn't quite drift off, since the suspense, excitement and fear of what might happen the next day was all consuming, even if he wasn't thinking about it directly.
In both cases, he was nervous that something he really wanted wouldn't come when he woke up. But in those cases, Ben knew exactly what he wanted. In a way, he knew exactly what he wanted this time, yet the difference was that he couldn't let himself want it- or what he wanted would get fired and never become Mayor or President. And then why would she want him anymore, assuming she wanted him now?
Ben tried to shrug that off, since there was every reason to believe she did. But the voters wanted him on Election Day too, and look what happened to them after they got him. Yet she wouldn't kick him out a few weeks later- unless the stress of not having a job was too much for her.
Meanwhile, Leslie's job was still a pretty good distraction for her. She figured it would be safe to go over the official agenda for tomorrow's visit, and the actual meetings she'd have. Fortunately, a lot of these people were bound to give her enough long, distracting conversations to get by. But she should have a wide variety of topics ready, just in case they got done before midnight.
So she put together a series of note cards, with ideal topics of conversation for each person there. This would be one time where using note cards would pay off for Leslie. Unlike on a first date.
Which was a stupid comparison to make, since she wasn't going on any of those for a while. Nor would she need to.
But then again, that was stupid too, since the dating itself wasn't the problem, even the prospect of a first one. Not having the option was the problem. If they did, they would have gotten past the first date catastrophes and been on smooth sailing by now. And then maybe the work wouldn't be the highlight of this road trip….
It took about five minutes of Leslie closing her eyes and shaking her fists, before she could think more about all the unsexy things she packed up. Once she was off the edge, she reminded herself to get it down to at least two minutes by game time tomorrow.
At 1:50 a.m., Leslie finally felt ready to go into her bedroom. By 2 a.m., she was under her covers, not far off her schedule. It should take her the usual 60-90 minutes to stop thinking and drift off, which should get her the usual 2-2 ½ hours of sleep. Just like a normal, regular day.
Of course, that might be harder tomorrow, if she wasn't the only one in her room that night. She didn't even know if they had separate rooms yet. Or maybe Chris said something, and she was too busy thinking about him being tortured in the library to pay attention. But even he wouldn't be so psychotic as to put them in the same room together.
His evil would probably be more subtle, to leave her knowing that he was next door and there was nothing she could do. That he was that close, and yet incredibly far away, as per usual. Only he would actually be a few feet away for real, and be even closer with just one knock on his door.
Chris was now crossing the line from super villainy to super duper, Eagleton villainy with that move.
Meanwhile, Ben had finally put down his phone, deciding not to call Chris or the hotel to find out if they had separate rooms. That would raise too many suspicions, and would clue them in even more if things did get out of hand. However that might happen.
But how out of hand could it really go, anyway? He was exhibiting more self-control than humanly possible, just so he wouldn't do the bare minimum with her. Since even that could wind up getting her in trouble, he certainly couldn't even think of going any further. Of course, should he actually reach….the bare minimum, would that still be enough for him or her?
How far was too far, anyway? What pace were they supposed to set? What balance could they make between just a kiss and a confession, and…..jumping completely into things? Wouldn't it set the wrong tone or message if they went further, since they hadn't even kissed yet and he couldn't let her think he was that kind of man? But after all this tension and waiting, would mere words and mere first kisses be enough to fully pay it all off?
Of course, what man could still have self-control, should he hear the most loving woman in the world say that she loved him?
With that, Ben dialed all but one digit of the hotel's number, before finally putting the phone down and throwing himself back into bed.
By 2:45 a.m., Ben had finally made his thoughts clean again, and felt appropriately ashamed for it. If Leslie could have read his mind at those moments, she'd be even more grossed out than she was by library cards. She'd have every right to be, since that was the wrong way to appreciate her. Or rather, it shouldn't have to be the main reason. He already had to tell himself this after seeing the painting, but apparently it didn't take.
He was in this mess because Leslie was the most generous, kind, thoughtful person he knew, not because- or just because- she was the most beautiful too. As easy on the eyes as she would be to any man, her outside beauty didn't truly stand out until you saw the inner one. Not everyone could get on her unique wavelength, but that meant if you were one of those who could, it made you extra special –to her and to yourself. Once you were finally on the same page with that inner beauty, then the outer one would truly lower the boom on you and never let up. But not so forcefully that you forgot how the inner and outer worked as a team, and one didn't work without the other.
And no inner had ever done more to make him more at ease, and turn every day into an adventure like Leslie's had. Even when she wasn't on some madcap antics, she made the day go by perfectly, no matter what they were doing.
And shouldn't that be enough to make this road trip fun? Spending the entire day with your best friend, and having her make a boring old conference fun for you, like she does for everything? Why should something like that be tarnished by fear and nervousness and panic over a job?
But sadly, Ben knew the answer before he was done asking it to himself. Because it was no longer enough for him, and because he could no longer have fun with her without him wanting to do more. The kind of more that could ruin both of them, and rob Pawnee, Indiana, and the world of the inner and outer Leslie. She just couldn't be stopped from spreading their power because of him.
That power saved and rebuilt his life- and now he couldn't even fully enjoy being around it, for fear that he'd enjoy it too much. Chris's policy had actually managed to tarnish the experience of just being around Leslie.
For that, Ben had never felt worse- and that said something.
Meanwhile, Leslie was feeling more annoyed at the moment. She was used to being kept up by work ideas and other projects that would make Pawnee better, and now she was unable to sleep because of a guy. That was kind of backwards, when she thought about it, since feminists like her aren't supposed to be this gaga over guys. She was the deputy director of the Pawnee Parks Department, and she was supposed to be a strong, capable leader, not one of those crazy girls that wouldn't shut up at the Twilight screening.
Especially over someone that wanted to fire her before they even met. The guy that would have destroyed her department and everything Pawnee stood for if she didn't stop him. The guy who….then saved her department and everything Pawnee stood for after she did stop him. And then helped her save it again at the Harvest Festival, and then at every other occasion after he decided to stay. He'd only been on the job for a few months, and the town was moving further away from bankruptcy than ever.
Didn't that make him as worthy of admiration as some fake American vampire?
Leslie now more clearly remembered why he wasn't just some guy. He was every bit her equal both in and out of work, especially in work. After she finally stopped screaming at him when he got here, he was much more reasonable to work with, and even kept her in check when she got too unrealistic. Of course, she still didn't think her best ideas were unrealistic, but thanks to him, they were….modified to the point where they could still work. Most everyone else dismissed them without a second thought, yet since Ben came along, he really helped bring them to life, and maybe even made them better. Of course, she'd sooner eat a salad than admit that to him out loud.
But Leslie felt that even if she did say that to him, they would have a good laugh about it, and he wouldn't be cruel enough to make her eat that salad. They could shift just like that, from bouncing off ideas at work to joking and sharing about everything else. Even their most embarrassing moments and blunders didn't sound so bad when they discussed them with each other, and she knew that didn't come easy for Ben. Yet she was probably the only person that ever made him feel safe enough to do that- and he did it the second day they met, even after she bit his head off three times. Somehow, being on that kind of wavelength with him made her feel truly special.
She wasn't going gaga over some guy. It was over a friend, a colleague, a peer, a partner-in-crime, and someone she couldn't do her job without….or have as much fun at her job without. Their time together encompassed everything that made her life great before, and yet dialed it up by that one little extra inch. That one inch that made Leslie think that there were…..other ways in which her life, and their lives together, could be even better.
And now she had to feel rotten and nervous and scared about it, all because of the jerk that Ben brought with him.
Now she couldn't even enjoy an entire day and night with someone she…..screw it. Someone she loved. And she couldn't even hang out with him without being afraid that it might go too far, cost him his job, and doom him to 17 more years of misery.
Chris's policy had turned the greatest feelings of her life into something she had to hide, and try to be ashamed of.
For that, something was coming over her.
Despite her famous/infamous cheer and perkiness, those who knew Leslie best knew not to cross her when she got mad, or when she was on the warpath for something. Ben learned that lesson fast on his first day here. But being upset over not getting a pit filled, or fixing a park, or saving the department, or anything else that got in the way of Pawnee's future, was one thing altogether.
This wasn't just her usual righteous fury. That much could be cured with hours of plans, breakfast food and good old Pawnee gumption.
This was making Leslie Knope full on, wrath-of-Goddess angry.
And that wave of fury made her get out of bed, march to her nearest phone, and start to dial Chris's number. She hadn't even thought out what she would say to him, but something about either not going on the road trip, or telling him she loved Ben, or threatening to make his life hell if he dared to fire Ben would probably come out.
She wasn't even thinking about what would happen after that, as all she wanted was to actually say it at last. After all this, it would feel even better than building a park, or outlawing library cards, or dumping all of Pawnee's garbage over the Eagleton fence.
That one was something she actually would have done if Ben hadn't said anything…..and made her realize it would just hurt the town.
And now that same voice and logic was starting to pierce through Leslie's outrage again. She knew if it was here, it would tell her not to be this rash, and not to get carried away like this. That same voice had saved her from failure more times than she'd cared to admit, and wouldn't be proud of her if she spilled the beans like this. Rather, it would blame itself for getting her in trouble, even if it faced even more of it. And if she and this voice were going to be together, they couldn't start off like this- it and its owner should have much more than that.
It was still so unfair, but she was already going through enough unfair things to spare Ben. That's why she couldn't let herself give in during the road trip….and that's why she couldn't before then either.
Though Chris's number was already dialed, and her thumb was an inch away from pressing the send button, Leslie finally moved it to the off button.
At that exact moment, Ben moved his thumb to the off button of his phone as well. The memories of Leslie, and the visions of her leaving her office for good, had finally stopped him right before he finished dialing Chris's number.
At 3:30 a.m., Leslie's remaining anger, guilt and confusion finally lulled her to sleep.
But for the first time ever- not that either of them would know- Ben actually fell asleep after Leslie did, as it took him about five minutes later.
Waking up at just after 5:30 a.m. wouldn't be late to anyone but Ben and Leslie. Yet when they did so, they knew just how much the last few hours took out of them - and that an even harder string of hours was finally here.
There was still no way to know what this trip would bring, and which, if any of them, would crack. But after everything they had thought about and almost done this morning, they could sense that something would happen. Something that would bring an end to the stalling pattern they'd been in for weeks, and move them forward to some big new stage. After all these weeks, and the kind of morning they'd already been through, it would be illogical if something didn't happen now.
By this time tomorrow, there was a good chance they would never think of their relationship, or each other, in the same way ever again. By the time they returned to Pawnee, they would be back as different people to some extent. But as always, it could go either way as to how different, and how good or bad, it could be.
Yet part of them had to believe that it would be for the better. If it was something bad, after all these weeks and months of buildup, then that would just be nonsense. But they probably couldn't hope for something too good, as with their luck, a few things would probably still have to go unsaid or undone. Not everything would be magically resolved, and not every barrier could be broken, after they left Indianapolis. But a few of them just had to be bent or broken a little bit, or at least more than they had been in the last month. There was just no other way for this to turn out- not if they were seconds from giving everything away a few hours ago.
But now that they were getting themselves dressed and ready for the day, their guard was back up again. As they had for weeks, they vowed to themselves that they wouldn't give anything away, or get each other into trouble, although it would be harder than ever today. Yet even as they did so, they knew that they couldn't possibly be built up like this, and be put through an event like this, without some kind of catharsis being on the way soon.
Leslie still had her methods to make sure this would be an unromantic trip, and Ben still had what little caution he had kept since coming to Pawnee. They knew it was a matter of time before it wasn't enough, yet until it was safe, they would still try to hold up as long as they could.
But if that couldn't be done on this road trip, they knew it wouldn't be….entirely awful, if they worked through it together. They already knew that, of course, yet the fresh reminders from earlier this morning were quite helpful. Even if they couldn't indulge in them again for a while.
And so, as they planned, they were all dressed, packed, and ready to leave their bedrooms right around 5:45 a.m. They went to their doors and put their hands on the knob, steeling themselves for whatever was waiting as soon as they left.
So as they took one final deep breath, they each raised their free hand, and crossed their middle finger with their forefinger.
"Fingers crossed," they each spoke, before they headed on their separate way towards each other.
Even if they didn't quite know what outcome they were crossing for.