Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
+ This was beta-ed by peskywhistpaw at livejournal.
When Jacob's eyes fluttered open, the first thing he noticed was that there wassomething pressed up against his side.
Confused, he looked down to check it outand saw Noelle gripping onto him in her sleep. Jacob forgot that she had spent the night, but now it was coming back to him.
He groggily rubbed at his temples, gazing down at her meek frame. The bright morning light was filtering in through the cracks of his blinds, creating a lined grid of sorts upon the bare skin of her back.
Jacob tore his eyes away to glance at his alarm clock.
9:52
Jacob yawned, perfectly content, until he looked back down at Noelle, and then it hit him like a ton of bricks: Bella.
Bella always seemed to find a way to creep into his mind, no matter what. Things would be going just fine and then boom, he'd find himself mourning over her and what they'd had.
Jacob wished that he could just forget everything, but even now, he saw Noelle and yearnedfor Bella instead. He still yearned for her, even though it had been months since she had been turned into a vampire. Even now that shewas one of them, Jacob would still take her back in a heartbeat.
Noelle was everything Jacob should want… She was cute, funny, sweet, and head-over-heels crazy for him. He wanted to love Noelle as much as loved Bella, but for some reason, he just couldn't do it.
He knew that he would always love Bella, and there was nothing that Noelle could do to change that. She just didn't cut it for him.
Jacob knew that Noelle was miserable with how things were… Sometimes when she slept over, Jacob would wake to find her crying.
It tore her up, knowing that, even when she was with Jacob, his heart was off with someone else. However, she continued to see him, and he knew why. He could relate… Back then, even though he knew that Bella loved Edward, he continued to see her. Jacob took all he could get from Bella, and that was what Noelle was doing now.
Jacob had warned Noelle, though, that it might be this way.
At times like these, when he felt guilty, he would remind himself of that.
Jacob could remember the occasion well:
Noelle had followed him out into the school parking lot, the day he dropped out of school.
"Jacob!" she had called after him as he hopped onto his motorcycle.
He just sat there, waiting for a few short moments as she caught up to him.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" he questioned, raising his thick eyebrows at her. She didn't seem the type for ditching.
"Shouldn't you?" Noelle countered, and then went on, "I saw you leaving… You aren't dropping out, are you?" She was using a wounded tone, making it obvious to Jacob that she wanted him to stay.
"Yeah, I am," Jacob answered, and he came across more bluntly than he had wanted to. He noted the way her eyes widened in that kicked puppy sort of way.
He felt bad, so he changed the subject to something a little lighter. "How did you see me leaving, anyways? Wait – you aren't stalking me now, are you?"
Noelle rolled her eyes and replied, "No, I'm an attendance aid this hour, so I was in the office. I saw you talk to Mrs. Remondini and then leave… It wasn't hard to figure out. You were talking the other day about how they were going to audit you and how you were thinking about dropping out. So, I put two and two together."
"Oh."
There was something else Noelle wanted to tell him.Jacob could see thatby the way she was wringing her hands and biting at her lip. She was warring with herself inside her head, trying to decide whether to say it or not.
Jacob was growing impatient, so he made it easy for her as he slid his helmet on.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing, it's just…" Her voice trailed off, and the next thing she said, she said fast, as if the faster she said it, the easier it would be:
"Thisdoesntmeanwereneveroingtoseeeachotheragain, right?"
"Huh?" The only thing Jacob had caught in that messy jumble of words was 'right?'
She continued to wring her hands, embarrassed at what she was saying. "We're still going to see each other, aren't we? Even though you're dropping out?"
"Yeah, of course." Jacob flashed her a reassuring smile, though he wasn't so sure he was telling the truth. Sure, they were friends, but the whole reason he had dropped out was so he could concentrate on the pack. He was tired of pretending to be normal, and he hadn't really planned on visiting with any of his school friends ever again. Maybe he would bump into one of them now and again around La Push, but as far as real friends went, the pack was all he needed.
"'Cause, Jacob," her voice rang, and Jacob noticed, even as she stared down at her sneakers, that her cheeks were flushed pink. "I like you… as, you know, more than a friend. I always have."
Jacob had clued into this a long time ago. There were certain things that girls did when they were into guys: theymessed with their hair, touched their lips, laughed like a hyena at any lame joke… Noelle did all of these things when she was around him, so Jacob knew. He just always hoped she would be too shy to bring it up.
When he didn't reply,she peeked up at him. "Are you going to say something?"
"Uhm, yeah," Jacob replied. "Sorry. I was just thinking. But, uhm, listen… you're really sweet and I like hanging around with you and stuff, but…"
"But?" Noelle repeated when Jacob failed to complete his sentence. She was bolder, now, probably a bit sour that she was being turned down.
It was hard to say. Jacob opened his mouth to talk, but all he could manage was a heavy sigh. He looked away, uncomfortable.
"If I'm so sweet and nice to be around, then what's the problem?" Noelle was rather unsuccessfully trying to conceal the edge to her tone. She wanted an explanation. "It has to be something."
"I'm in love with someone else." Jacob's eyes snapped back in her direction.
"You're dating someone…?"
"No. She's engaged to someone else." He chuckled darkly. "It's stupid, really."
"Then," Noelle said, voice wavering shyly, "you should forget about her. I mean, I know that's tough to hear, but…"
"If I could, I would. Trust me."
There were a few moments of awkward silence.
"Do you think you could try me?" Noelle asked, and it made him squirm, the way she was staring right into his eyes now. "Even though you still have feelings for her? Maybe, if you try, you can forget her… You just have to give someone else a chance – give me a chance."
"Do you really want that?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows again.
Noelle nodded, quite persistent.
Jacob remembered how everyone was urging him to move on. He looked over atNoelle.She was providing him that opportunity. It could work. Maybe his feelings for her would grow with time. Maybe then, all the painful memories of Bella would fade away and stop haunting him. How nice that would be, to want someone who wants you back.
"Yeah," Jacob said after a few moments of deliberation. This could be good for him, healthy. "I can try."
Noelle's face goofily broke out into a grin, unable to hide her excitement. Jacob returned the smile, thenlifted the helmet from his head, handing it to her.
She looked up at him, puzzled, and he motioned for her to get on back.
Noelle stirred awake at his side, interrupting the memory. She smiled up at him weakly, raking her big, wavy hair out of her face. Then, she lifted herself up from his bed with her elbows.
Noelle knew the routine. When she woke up the morning after, Jacob would be thoughtful and aloof, and he would ignore her.
Because of this, she had learned to leave as soon as she woke up. She couldn't stand to be around him when he was like that, because she knew that he was thinking about her. Times like that, it felt like someone was ripping her heart straight out of her chest. Why wasn't she good enough for him…?
She gathered her clothes up from the floor.
Jacob felt his conscience eating at his insides. He knew the routine, as well: sleep with her and then treat her like shit. He wasn't exactly proud of it.
Noelle was getting back into her underwear when Jacob murmured, "You don't have to leave."
For a second, Noelle looked shocked that he was even talking to her. Then, she regained her composure and replied, "No, that's okay. I should probably head out before Billy wakes up, anyway… easier to sneak out that way."
"He won't be up for a couple of hours." Jacob cleared his throat and added, "I want you to stay." It wasn't a total lie… a part of him did want her to stay. That part wanted her to help fill the void in him. She could do that, sometimes – at least, partially fill it.
He realized that this was the same sickening game Bella had once played with him. She would keep him around when Edward wasn't there, trying to ease her own pain and loneliness.
Now, Jacob was doing the exact same thing to Noelle, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to have to think about Bella anymore, and Noelle's presence helped when he let it.
A smirk tugged at Noelle's lips. It felt good to be wanted by Jacob… so good to hear him say it. 'I want you to stay.' The words sent a tremor of chills down her back – the best chills she had ever experienced.
"'Kay." Noelle crawled back into bed with him. Again, she pressed her body full against his, trying to get as close as humanly possible. She heaved a contented sigh as his warmth spread across her skin.
It was several minutes before either of them spoke again, and Jacob could pleasantly feel himself drifting off into some sort of half-slumber.
"I love you, Jacob," Noelle whispered into his chest, and though his eyes were shut, he could feel her staring into his face.
Instead of answering her words in any way, Jacob focused on breathing evenly so she would think that he had already fallen back to sleep. The only responses he could come up with were so complicated and probably not what she wanted to hear.
It was just easier pretending to be asleep.