Alright, Yuugiou fandom, you better be ready for this one. My friend Bee-chan and I have been discussing certain things about the Yuugiou series, and we decided to pull the entire cast together in a meeting discussing these issues. This first meeting addresses how everyone in this series is a slut.
Warning: This fic contains A LOT of foul language, Anzu bashing, whoring in general, and lots of yaoi...some incest as well. You have been forewarned.
Disclaimer: We don't own Yuugiou, blah blah blah...
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"All right, everyone; listen up!" Chibi's voice rang through the small, crowded room, commanding the attention of every soul occupying the space. "I trust you all know what we're here to discuss, right?" She nodded, turning to Bee-chan, who was standing next to her.
Bee-chan nodded in a slow, serious manner, crossing her arms over her chest. "We all know it's a very important issue that needs addressing." She turned back to Chibi and nodded once more, seeking approval.
Taking a deep breath, Chibi announced, "All of you...are whores."
An uproar immediately followed suit. Many choice words flew through the air from the mouths of the various males in the room...as well as the four females scattered amongst them.
"What do you mean we're all whores?" Anzu asked in her annoying, shrill voice. "I am no such thing!"
"You've got to be kidding," Otogi's sex god voice drifted from the corner. "You're the worst one--I mean at least the rest of us are getting some. You just whore yourself out for the hell of it."
"He has a point," Yami bellowed.
Mokuba turned to his big brother with an inquisitive look. "Seto, what does 'getting some' mean?"
Rubbing his temples, the elder Kaiba brother shook his head. "Mokuba, go outside and call the driver to come pick you up. You shouldn't be here listening to this."
"Oops...yeah, I kind of forgot there was a pair of virgin ears here," Chibi said, laughing a bit nervously. She retrieved a small money pouch from the pocket of her hooded sweater. "Here, Moki. Keep yourself busy and play for a bit at the arcade. This meeting will take a while."
"Thanks, Chibi-chan," Mokuba said, catching the case of coins. With that, he quickly left the room, ready to play some good old-fashioned Pac-Man.
"What do you mean this will take a while?" Pegasus inquired, tossing his luscious locks behind his shoulder. "I have a manicure appointment!"
"Shaddup you freakin' pedo," Jounouchi snapped, clutching onto Seto's arm.
Seto looked up with an increasingly annoyed look. "Why are we included in the 'whore' catagory?" he growled, his arm finding its way around his lover's waist.
"Because anyone who's ever been with Otogi has to have some kind of disease," Bee-chan laughed as Jounouchi's face turned a bright red.
"Hey, I'm clean," Otogi whined, "no STD's here."
Honda reached his hand up in the air, "Um--guys I got som'in to say." The whole room sighed.
"What is it Honda?" Yugi grumbled.
"I'm not really ever paired with anyone, so an i just go?" He scratched the back of his head nervously as a sweat drop appeared on his brow.
"Honda, you are gravely mistaken," Chibi muttered, shaking her head. "You see, you're the one who's most commonly paired with Otogi. I guess you don't remember because you're usually drunk when it happens."
Honda's entire visage ripened to the colour of a tomato, and Otogi let out a small, sheepish chuckle. "Yeah, about that...sorry, Honda."
"But Otogi like, sleeps with everyone," Ryuzaki's nasaly voice came from the far left corner, followed by the annoying laughter of Insector.
"Yeah, heh heh, but all those other times are threesomes, heh heh," the bug duelist chided in.
"S-stop picking on me!" the emerald-eyed sex god cried, rising to his feet in an angry rush. "What about Bakura? He sleeps with everyone INDIVIDUALLY!"
"Everyone," Seto seethed arching his eyebrow.
"Almost everyone," Mai corrected. "Some of us are too refined for that."
"Says the girl screwing Anzu," Bakura laughed.
"Oh, like you haven't, " Anzu bellowed angrily
"I pay good money for my prostitutes," the hot albino retorted. "I don't like cheap sex."
"But...Bakura...you never pay me for, well, you know," Ryou said in his adorable, innocent British accent.
"Yeah...you don't pay me either," Marik chimed in.
"Um, well...," Bakura started, unable to form a well-worded response.
"Alright, Bakura; we demand an explanation!" Yami yelled. Obviously, Bakura never paid him, either.
"Well who needs prostitutes when I have--such--generous--friends?" Bakura half asked.
Yugi looked a little hurt staring up as Yami. "Don't tell me you've been with him too," he sniffed.
Pegasus laughed from his vantage point near the door, "Ah Yugi-boy have you not been with divine soul?"
"You were very, very drunk little one," Yami patted his counterpart reassuringly.
"PEDO!" Jounouchi yelled, hiding behind Seto.
"Speaking of Pedophilia," Bee-chan giggled--how does it feel sexing a 5000 year old pharaoh?"
Little Yugi turned beet red, and stammered never coming up with a real response.
"Isn't that illegal?" Anzu inquired.
"Are you kidding? Nothing is illegal in Japan," Otogi laughed, "You just have to call it something different to fit through the loopholes."
"You would know," Seto snorted uncharacteristically.
"I don't think it'd be illegal anyway," Rebecca piped in, fixing her half-rim glasses. "There are no laws saying you can't have sexual relations with a spirit being."
"Hm, I never thought about that," Chibi said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.
"Shouldn't that apply to me as well?" Bakura inquired, jabbing his thumb at his chest. "I'm an ancient spirit, too, you know..."
"What, now you want to get into Yugi's pants?!" Honda yelled, clenching his fists.
"I already ha--I mean, no. No I don't," Bakura replied, clearing his throat quite loudly. "I much prefer Ryou and Marik."
"Oh my gosh Bee-chan!" Chibi said, grabbing her friend by the arm. "Do you know who we forgot to invite?"
"Oh no--could it be," Bee-chan gasped, "That we've forgotten--"
"Good Lord, get over the dramatic effect and tell us," Anzu yelled.
"If we WANT dramatic effect, we will HAVE dramatic effect!" Chibi shouted angrily, staring daggers at Anzu. She fished a flashlight out of her pocket and turned it on, holding it beneath her chin. "We forgot...to invite..." The entire room fell into silence. "Isis and Shadi! Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!"
Marik scoffed, crossing his arms. "Pfft, THAT was what we were anticipating? Lame."
"Who ahre jhoo khallingh lame?" a voice echoed from near the door. A multi-coloured vortex began to materialize in the back of the room, and from it emerged two Egyptians.
"OMYGODYOUGOTTABESHITTINGME!" Bee-chan yelled slapping herself in the face, "we forgot the only straight pairing...typical us," she laughed turning to Chibi.
"Straight sex makes me cringe," Seto dead paned, his eyes twitching.
Chibi laughed right along with Bee-chan. She then ran over Seto and Jounouchi, staring at them with a goofy grin. "Don't worry, Seto-kun; no one will be having sex here."
"Marik!" Isis said in a very stern voice. "Where in the WORLD have you been?"
Marik winced and crawled over to Bakura, staring up at him with his soft purple eyes. "Protect me..."
"I've been looking everywhere for you Marik--you had me worried sick," Isis rushed towards him. Shadi dawned an immistakably dejected look, glaring at the white haired Egyptian.
"I sense a love triangle," Mai laughed.
"Try a love Dodecahedron," Seto huffed
"My thoughts exactly, Seto-kun," Chibi said, performing a facepalm. Running back over to Bee-chan, she pulled her friend aside and muttered, "What was the point of this meeting again?"
"So, wait, let me get this straight," Yami interjected, standing in front of Bee-chan and Chibi by now. "You called us all here, only to accuse us of being whores, and you forget the REAL reason for wasting all of our time?!" Yeah, he was pissed.
"Oh, shove it, Yami," Bakura said gruffly, running his hand through his snow white hair.
"I miss nice Bakura," Anzu huffed, "The one with the cute little English accent and flat, not so creepy hair."
"You're kidding right?" Honda jumped in, "He was such a homo, " the room went suddenly silent, "Oh, right."
"It's a legitimate concern for the fandom," Bee-chan burst, as the lightbulb finally lit in her head, "we brought you here because we feel your--loose--relationships are a bit--overboard, and might be losing you the fanbase."
"Gasp," Pegasus flipped his beautiful hair in concern.
"Bee-chan is right," Otogi admitted, hanging his head in defeat. "Our sexiness--"
"Don't forget dashing good looks!" Ryou interrupted innocently.
"--yes, that too...they're just not cutting it anymore." The entire room hushed up, mulling over the words of the raven haired sex god.
Yami slammed his fist into the wall. "Damn it, I never realized this..." he growled through clenched teeth.
"Well," Chibi started, "you all should start following the example set by our loverly Seto and Jounouchi. They're the only ones who have a semi-stable relationship." She pointed a finger toward the couple.
"Well--Ryuzaki and whats his face with the bowl cut have it pretty good too--but that's 'cause no one else wants them," Bee laughed and pointed.
"I can't say it's not true," Pegasus laughed, "but it was still a rather cheap shot."
Otogi took center stage. "I don't think I could ever just have one lover." He flipped his beautiful hair and flashed a smile.
"Oh don't give us that," Bakura growled, "We're not buying it."
"Alright then," Chibi began, a smirk playing across her lips. "Good luck keeping up your fanbase. You'll have to tell them you contracted AIDS and genital herpes because you couldn't keep it in your pants long enough to stick with one person."
Ryuzaki snorted and said, "Uh, yeah, like, if anyone can't have just one lover, it's, like, Albino Man over thar."
"Heh heh, yeah, heh heh. He's more of a slut than Otogi, heh heh," Insector added.
"EXCUSE me?!" Bakura shot back, his eyes narrowing dangerously. "I CAN choose only one lover if I really wanted to. Unlike Otogi, I can keep a fanbase even though I'm a complete slut."
"Brilliant way to come out of the closet there, moron," Seto remarked, rolling his eyes. He pulled Jounouchi closer to him.
"Well, it's not something we didn't know anyway," Yami muttered, leaning against the wall like a cool cat.
"At least my baby can keep it is his pants long enough to make it to the bedroom," Jounouchi huffed, curling into Seto.
"Don't call me baby, mutt," Seto growled.
"Man I keep it in my pants better than both of you," Marik yelled, "The car is not your bedroom."
"Well," Honda laughed nervously, "I'm never riding in that car again."
"It's a good thing you have a motorcycle, then," Yugi chuckled.
"It doesn't matter how long you keep it in your pants, Marik; you're usually on the receiving end anyway," Isis retorted, fidgeting with her Millennium Necklace. Marik bowed his head in embarrassment, his cheeks burning with a deep red blush.
"It's nothing to be ashamed about," Seto announced, slicking his brown hair back, messing it up a little.
"Wow...this has really...turned itself around...," Chibi said, plopping down onto the floor.
"It's getting interesting don't you think?" Bee laughed.
Yugi's eyebrow twitched, "That really was a little more than i needed to know."
"It's all right little one," Yami stalked over patting Yugi on the head again.
"Doesn't that hurt your hand?" Otogi laughed.
"Actually, Yugi and I have switched to a new shampoo, conditioner, and gel set. Our hair is really soft, but it still stays perfectly in place," Yami stated proudly, resting a hand on the tiny boy's shoulder.
"That's good," Bakura said with a snort. "Only pure evil beings such as myself can stab people with ridiculous hair."
"Ooh, Bakura boy, there is no way you can beat out my big-haired henchman from season one," Pegasus announced with a light giggle.
"I don't even want to think about where that hair went," Anzu scoffed.
Mai blinked several times to clear her head of the image. "Never ever say anything like that again."
"Even I don't want that image," Otogi grumbled as his face turned red.
"Oh--have we moved on to discussing fetishes?" Isis laughed, winking at Shadi. "Oh boy, do we have stories about those."
Marik whimpered and hid behind Bakura.
"Isis, do whe rheally have to ghet eento that topich?" Shadi questioned, lowering his towel-laden head.
"Please don't...," Marik pleaded, peeking at his sister from behind the albino man. Bakura took Marik in his arms and glared at Isis. "Spare us the details, for all of our sanity. Nobody wants to know what you two do when you're stuck underground."
"Hm, kinky," Chibi said thoughtfully, flashing a playful, mischievous grin.
"Hm--I wonder where that lovely millennium Rod has been," Bee-chan laughed. J
ounouchi shivered, and Marik cringed, "Please NO!" Marik seethed.
"Please--straight sex creeps me out," Mai covered her ears.
"Okay then," Isis said, striding over to Mai. "How about you and I take a trip to Egypt?" The room filled with annoyed groans.
"Worst. Pick-up line. Ever," Yami bluntly stated.
"Ooh yah, let's, like, watch these chicks make out and stuff," Ryuzaki said with a perverted smirk.
"Heh heh, yeah, heh heh. That's what we came for, heh heh," Insector added.
"Wait a moment," Seto started, a confused expression etched all over his face. "I thought Bug Boy and Dinosaur Freak were gay like the rest of us."
"Well, we kind of, like, swing both ways," Ryuzaki replied to the brunette's remark.
"...That's odd," Chibi sighed, unable to think of much else to say on the matter.
"Creepy," Jounouchi grumbled.
"I'll watch," Anzu piped.
"Well, i suppose if its going to happen, I'll watch too," Shizuka smiled.
"Nothing is happening!" Mai screamed, shoving Isis onto the floor.
Isis grunted in pain as Mai threw her down, sitting up with a wince. "Ow...damn, that really hurt..."
"Like I said before," Chibi pointed out, "no sex at this meeting. That would just further prove the point we're trying to make. Am I right, Bee-chan?"
"When are you not?" Bee laughed.
"I am not a whore," Mai spat from the corner.
"There's only one sure way to find out," Bakura said, slicking his white hair back. "How many people have you slept with, Mai?"
"With big boobs like that, she's probably slept with at least twenty people!" Honda exclaimed, waving his arms wildly.
"Good point," Yami commented, still leaning against the wall. "I think that's the brightest thing you've ever said, Honda."
All eyes turned on Mai, waiting for her answer.
"I...um, well...I" she gulped, stuttering as her face turned beet red.
"Out with it already," Otogi snapped.
"I...I've lost count...," Mai admitted, hanging her head in shame.
Anzu gasped. "Wh-what? But...Mai...I thought we had something!" she cried, tears streaming down her face.
"Aw, cut the crap," Jounouchi said, rolling his eyes. "You're such a baby, Anzu. Sheesh..."
"How could anyone have anything with Anzu?" Yugi snorted.
"That is a very good question," Shizuka laughed, "she's rather obnoxious."
"Evhen as a bhored and sex-dephrived mahn livingh in Egypt, I whould noht have sex whith her," Shadi stated bluntly.
"Wow, that's harsh," Marik muttered.
"Oh, you guys can all just go straight to hell!" Anzu screamed, storming out of the room in sobs.
"Good riddance," Seto scoffed, resting his head on Jounouchi's shoulder.
Mai shifted, looking around in confusion--"so, do i go after her, or what?"
Otogi laughed, "Well that depends, do you want her back or no?"
"...I should at least go talk to her," the big-breasted woman said, heading for the door. "Be back later." With that, she departed the meeting.
"I...can't believe this meeting actually turned serious for a moment there," little Yugi said, heaving a relieved sigh.
"What were we even talking about before?" Honda inquired, scratching his head.
"When's this going to be over?" Jounouchi whined.
Yugi turned to Yami, "Do you think i should call Gramps and tell him we'll be late?"
"I hadn't thought of that," Yami smiled.
"Hello! Did anyone hear me?" Honda yelled.
"Actually, I think we may be just about done," Chibi said, turning to Bee. "What do you think, Bee-chan?"
"Gah, why do I even bother?" Honda sighed.
"I think I agree--they've been informed, thats all we came here for yeah?" Bee giggled skipping towards the door, "dinner?"
Honda hung his head in defeat.
"I've got free tacos at my place for anyone who wants to come!" Chibi called out, exiting the room delightedly.
"TACOS!" everyone except Seto exclaimed, running toward the door.
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Every great story should end with tacos.
Read and review, everyone!