Konan's Day of Revenge

Summary: The male members of the Akatsuki have finally pushed Konan over the edge, now it's payback time: in true girl style.

A/N: I don't own Naruto and this was the result of a very bored me and plot bunnies.

5:30 am

Konan hit her alarm clock before it could wake everyone else up. It was going to be a busy day. Jumping up from her bed she looked at the list she had made up the night before. The boys always wondered why Leader was always cautious not to make her mad, now they were going to find out.

Itachi: Use his most expensive shampoo and conditioner then empty the rest in the sink.

First up, Itachi. Grabbing her bath robe she cracked open her bedroom door and peaked outside, checking the hallway. Running across the hall she shut the bathroom door behind her. Quickly locking the door behind her she sighed, and looked at the bathroom with a grin. She was the first one in, that meant she got the hot water and could use Itachi's shampoo and no one could stop her. Slipping off her robe she turned on the shower then decided against it, and switched over to the bath. She was going to enjoy this day, even if it got her killed.

Steam rose off the hot water and she went to double check the locks on the door. Heading to the cabinet she grabbed Itachi's expensive shampoo and conditioner. See what happens when you use my origami paper to make paper airplanes for target practice. Giggling neurotically she slipped into the steaming hot water.

Lathering her hair up, Konan enjoyed the sweet scent of shae butter and black raspberries, when someone started pounding on the door. "Tobi needs to pee!" Eye twitching Konan growled. "Unlock the door or Tobi will pee in the hall!"

" GO OUTSIDE AND PISS!" Konan shouted and dunked her head under the water. That probably woke up Itachi... great. And what the hell is Tobi doing awake this early in the morning... Flying out of the water Konan looked at the door. Oh shit... Daylight savings time... Quickly conditioning her hair and rinsing she got out and pulled on her robe, and took Itachi's shampoo and conditioner and left them open in the sink. Opening the door Konan found herself face to face with a line of men. This is going to be a long day...At the front of the line was Tobi, then Itachi. The Uchiha's eyes narrowed.

"Why do I smell my Paul Mitchelle Shampoo?" Konan grinned and walked calmly to her room.

Seconds passed when Itachi's voice echoed through the hideout, "KONAN YOU WILL SUFFER!" Cracking her door open she saw Itachi standing in front of it and she grinned.

"Your hate isn't strong enough, and you know what, it never will be." Giggling Konan shut the door, but not before she saw the look on his face, That's right bitch, I quoted your ass.

7:30 (should have been 6:30) am

Glancing at her list Konan sighed, this was going to be easier to pull off because everyone was waiting to use the bathroom. I cant believe I forgot to change the time on my alarm clock...

Everyone: Switch the labels on the coffee

Dressing quickly Konan ran downstairs ignoring the glaring line of men outside the bathroom and ran to the kitchen. Leader was already finishing off his personal pot of coffee, when she grabbed the can and hid it under the sink, along with her personal French Roast.

Going through the pantry, Konan found all the espressos and started peeling off the labels. "Guess this is what they get for not leaving your French Roast alone?" Konan looked back at Leader and glared. "Shit."

"What was that?" Leader looked down at his cup and went silent. Glaring, Konan started grabbing the decaf coffees and proceeded to tearing off their labels, and one by one, dark brewed coffee's were labeled as decaf and decaf became espresso's.

"You better fill me in on what they did later." Grinning Konan started replacing all the cans and made herself half a pot of French Roast.

"Itachi and Kisame used my expensive origami paper to make paper airplanes to use for target practice. Deidara was using my blow dryer and flat iron again. Tobi broke into my room again, as to why I have no idea. Hidan tracked blood through the hideout and even left little bits of brain matter on the stairs. Kakuzu tried to tell me what I'm allowed to buy and what I'm not. And Zetsu, I swear, was watching me get dressed yesterday morning." Leader's eyes widened.

"Dead men walking." Konan nodded as she drank her personal pot of coffee, knowing she was the only person, besides Leader, who would get the right thing in their cups for a long time. I wasn't even paying attention to what got labeled what... I wonder what everyone will be like without their morning caffeine... and Tobi with caffeine... Grinning Konan just waited, listening to the constant bickering upstairs.

8:00 am

After all the guys had finished with their bathroom needs, Konan snuck upstairs, hiding from Itachi, and rechecked her list:

Hidan: Hide all his Jashinist scrolls and replace with Pein's Laws and Kami Tomes

Running silently down the hall she came to the Akatsuki Library and searched frantically for the dusty tomes that were dedicated to Kami and the long list Leader had written out when he was drunk one night when Orochimaru was still around. I don't think he even remembers that night anymore...thankfully. After searching for ten minutes she finally found them under a pile of porn that she didn't want to know who they belonged to. Shaking her head, Konan grabbed the tomes and laws and ran to Hidan's room. Inside she blanched, it smelled of old blood, and there was a body of some poor man strapped to the wall with a thick pool underneath him. The symbol of Jashin was painted in blood on the floor, walls, and even the ceiling. Making her way to Hidan's book shelf she pulled out all the scrolls related to Jashin, including the jutsu scrolls, and slipped in the replacements.

Hugging the Jashinist scrolls to her chest, she ran to her room and hid them in her closet.

12:00 pm

Kakuzu and Hidan were sent out on a mission for a new bounty, watching them leave, Konan's eyes lit up. Beside her, Leader shuddered. He knew whatever she had planned for them was cold and below the belt. Running upstairs she double checked how much she was stealing.

Kakuzu: Steal 100,000 ryo and go on a shopping spree for makeup and clothes and other stuff I don't need but want

Konan ran to Kakuzu's room to find it locked. Sighing, she pulled out a piece of paper and folded it into a key that fit the lock. Popping it open she watched for traps. The old miser was very protective of his money. Watching her step, she made her way to his desk, which was surrounded by bags and briefcases full of cash. Deciding time was of the essence, she just grabbed one of the silver briefcases and ran out of the room, not bothering to see how much it held.

Shutting the door behind her, Konan grinned when Leader saw her with the case. "I'm going shopping, be back when this thing is empty." All around her, jaws dropped and eyes turned into saucers.

"Does she have a death wish?"

1:00 pm

Skipping into the village, Konan swung the case full of money beside her looking at all the stalls, stores, and restaurants. Stomach growling, Konan stopped. Stopping at no stall in particular she looked at the wares, it was a jewelry stall, filled with gold and diamonds. "Excuse me, can you tell me what is the most expensive place to eat here?" The stall owner looked at her, the old woman smiled and named off a place, and Konan nodded. "Thank you, when I'm done eating I'll come by and buy something. Actually, do you do special orders?" Again the woman nodded and Konan grinned. I better remember to keep the receipts just so he knows how much I spent on each thing.

Arriving at the restaurant Konan was shown to a table where she ordered a bottle of the most expensive sake and their most expensive cut of meat rare, with all the sides, which she most likely wouldn't eat all of but this was all on Kakuzu so she didn't care.

2:00 pm

After the most sinful lunch in the world Konan walked back to the market looking at the receipt for her lunch. 100 ryo. Gunna have to really step it up... Skipping to the jewelry merchant from earlier she grinned. "I'm back."

"How was your lunch?"

"Flawless, meat was perfectly cooked, the sides were to die for, and the dessert nearly made me commit suicide." The old woman laughed. "Anyway you said you do special orders?"

"That's right," Both women grinned. "What can I make for you"
"I need something that's going to piss off the king of the miser's," Konan grinned, "I need diamonds, gold, rubies, anything you can get your hands on. I have the money, so don't worry about price, but make sure it's tasteful that way so I can wear it on special occasions." Like when Leader takes over the world or when Gods Angel, me, goes on a big date. Or if I just really wanna piss off Kakuzu...

"Consider it done, I'll have you something by eight o' clock tonight." Nodding, Konan turned and started her shopping spree.

8:00 PM

Thank God I bought storage scrolls... Looking down at the receipts, Konan added up the numbers. 50,000 ryo. She had bought more clothes than any living person would ever need, even a Daiymo's wife or daughter, hell even an Emperor's wife wouldn't need this many clothes. Then there was the make-up, all of the most expensive brand she could find in the village. After she had only spent 10,000 ryo on all that, she knew she was going to have to shop bigger, and went to have a new bedroom set made. Everything was cherry wood: the king sized bed, the dresser, the armoire, and the tables. Then she went and bought blue satin sheets and pillow cases, new feather pillows, a new feather mattress, and the most gorgeous satin bedspread that was sapphire blue with white roses. That had brought her total up to the 40,000 ryo mark. Then she went shoe shopping. It was sinful, but this was a 'day' on Kakuzu. Looking inside the briefcase, Konan sighed, she had barely made a dent in the contents. Who'd think I was carrying 5,000,000 ryo with me.

Konan's head shot up, and laughed. The old woman said she'd have something for me soon, I better head that way.

Skipping once again to the jewelry stall, the old woman was bent over working on something hidden from Konan's view. Waiting patiently, Konan looked at all the pieces the old woman had on display. Gasping, she froze when she saw a white gold necklace in the shape of a rose, with small emeralds embedded in the stem. Must have it must have it. AND THERE ARE MATCHING EARRINGS! The old woman must have heard her gasp because she turned and smiled.

"See something you like dear?" Konan could only point, and the woman pulled the necklace and earrings out. "My treat, what this other set cost will more than cover me for the year." Konan nodded wondering what she was about to be handing over but didn't care. Donning the rose necklace, Konan smiled.

"So, what do you have there behind you?" The old woman smiled and turned around.

"Just one more little stone and then it will be done, I've out-done myself on this one. It's not gold, but platinum." Kakuzu is going to have a heart attack... maybe even five of them. After a few minutes the old woman finally clapped and turned, holding out a black box in her hand for Konan to take. Carefully reaching for it, Konan opened it and gasped.

Inside was a platinum choker with a diamond the size of a quarter, surrounded by sapphires of the black, red, and blue coloring, with a chain hanging down holding a rose at the end where it would most likely rest between her breast. Beside it was a a bracelet much of the same design, only the rose was on a ring that was connected to the bracelet, and finally the rose earrings. I'm going to die a slow and painful death.

"How much?"

"3,000,000 ryo."

"Here, figure out how much of that this is," Handing the woman the briefcase, she watched the woman's jaw drop to the ground, "oh can I get a receipt?"

9:00 pm

Konan slipped back into the hideout, no one had noticed her, quickly running upstairs she reentered Kakuzu's room and put the briefcase at the bottom of the pile and put her scrolls in her room, reminding herself to set up her bedroom later. I can't believe how late it is... good thing we don't eat dinner for another 30 minutes.

"You've been gone a while Konan." Looking behind her, Leader leaned against her door. "So, how slowly is Kakuzu going to kill you?"

"He won't live long enough to, after he see's the receipts. Where is everyone?"

"Still out, though they should be back soon. Why how many more people do you have left?"

"Zetsu, Tobi, Deidara, and Kisame." Leader shuddered. "I need to start dinner and change a few things."

Pushing past Leader she glared, "Don't touch the scrolls, everything is packed very carefully and I don't want to have to redo it." Moving down the hall, Konan unlocked one of the two rooms no one had been in for months: Sasori's old room. Dust greeted her and Leader, who had decided to see what she was planning that could involve the old puppet master's room. A thick layer of dust and cobwebs covered everything, discarded puppet parts remained untouched on shelves and hooks, diagrams lined the walls, and vials of poisons with no antidotes rested ominously on a shelf above a variety of blades. Walking confidently across the room Konan read what each poison did:

Kills in 20 minutes after extreme pain and vomiting. No I'd be the one cleaning that up...

Kills in 2 weeks and hallucinations. Tempting...

Causes paralysis and uncontrolled bowel and bladder movements. Must have been for Deidara...

Aphrodisiac. What the fuck did he need that for? Never mind don't wanna know...

Causes coma and hallucinations. Hmmm... no death...

Looking back at Leader he moved forward and looked at the five vials. "Who is the poison for?"

"Tobi."

"Vial #2." With that Leader turned and left.Looking at the vials again, Konan re-read #2: Kills in 2 weeks and hallucinations... well Leader said to. Reaching for it, she grinned, and went for #3 instead.

Turning Konan ran out of the room, and dashed into Zetsu's room, gagging. All the bodies that turned up in here, were originally from Hidan's. Thanking her strong stomach, Konan grabbed the bits of human bodies and ran into Tobi's room and hid them in his blanket, ignoring all the strange things she did not want to acknowledge, there are no dolls over there, they must be voodoo dolls if there is. Running out she checked off the next objective mentally.

Zetsu: Stash his munchies in Tobi's room

Stopping in her room real quick, Konan grabbed the only food storage scroll and proceeded downstairs. She had 20 minutes to get dinner started. Thankfully the plans tonight were pretty simple. In the kitchen, Leader was sipping a small cup of sake as Konan activated the scroll on the counter, piles of meat appeared wrapped up nicely. "Kakuzu paid for dinner too, he's so thoughtful." Leader laughed as Konan moved to the fridge and pulled out the six assorted gallons of juice that were labeled: For Good Boys Only. Pulling out the vial of poison Konan laughed and Leader just watched in silence.

Tobi: Use the last little bits of Sasori's old and spike all of Tobi's juice

Pulling out the cutting board, Konan shook her head and raised her hands, watching small sheets of paper peel off like skin. Controlling the paper with her chakra, they turned razor blade sharp and proceeded to slice the meat and vegetables.

9:45 pm

Everyone sat down in the living room, plates and bowls in hand. Leader had his recliner, sitting in it as if it were a throne. Kisame, Deidara, and Itachi sat on the couch, Hidan and Kakuzu had the sofa, and Zetsu sat on the floor with Tobi. Large pieces of paper flew out of the kitchen, carrying trays of sushi and a big pot of soup. Seeing the sushi, Kisame started to cry and reached for the soup.

"Where's Konan?" Itachi growled, staring at Leader who shrugged. "She wasted all of my Paul Mitchelle products."

"She what?" Kakuzu growled, "I told you to make that shit last, it cost me 40 ryo."

"I was making it last, she's the one who poured it down the sink." Itachi whined.

"She made sushi..." Kisame said, tears down his face. "Why would she do that." Kisame finished off his bowl of soup. Suddenly Leader cracked a smile and started laughing. "Leader?"

"You get emotional over sushi, yet inhaled a bowl of shark fin soup." Everyone froze and looked at Kisame.

"NOOOOOO!"

Kisame: Make sushi and shark fin soup for dinner

12:00 am

Cracking her eyes open, Konan looked at her clock, with its now proper time. Sitting up, she opened the cabinet closest to her bed and found the kit she had been looking for. Opening it, she grinned, I'll show you what happens when you use my stuff without asking. Closing the kit, she hopped out of her new bed and made it for the door. It was Deidara's turn.

Deidara: Transform hair in his sleep

Tiptoeing down the hall, she found herself in front of the Iwa nin's room and giggled quietly as she cracked the door open. Laying there sprawled across his bed, Deidara snored silently, hair everywhere. Creeping closer, Konan made sure the blonde was sleeping deeply before she reopened the kit, and pulled out the scissors. You won't need a flat iron or blow dryer when I'm done with you jackass. Grabbing handfuls, Konan chopped off the long blonde hair, letting it fall to the floor and bed, not a single bit of it even, but all short to where the only way he could salvage it was to have it short like Tobi, Zetsu, or Leader.

Once satisfied with her damage, she went to her room and grabbed the receipts from her outing and stood outside of Kakuzu's room, and slipped them under his door. Knowing the old miser he'll go through every penny he has to make sure it wasn't his, if he survives reading the slip from the old woman.

THE NEXT MORNING

Konan and Leader sat across the table from each other, laughing. After telling Leader everything she had done to the others, she was surprised to see that Leader hadn't died over from laughing so hard. Drinking her French Roast, she looked at the clock. 6:00 am, any time now. 6:00 was when Kakuzu woke up, then everyone else woke up between 6:00 and 6:20. And this morning I'll get to see the results of their change in caffeine intake. Konan wasn't looking forward to seeing a Tobi with caffeine but everyone else was going to be worth it, except for maybe Kakuzu, he was grumpy as it is. Oh wait... if that poison works we won't be seeing Tobi for a while...

"So, Leader, who is it that drinks my French Roast?"

"Itachi and Kakuzu." My eye twitched. "Are you surprised?"

"Not really, but still, the assholes will know better now than to piss me off."

"I still can't believe you stole a whole briefcase of cash."

"A single bounty will replace what I spent, plus my new bed is so comfortable." Konan grinned, "and you wouldn't believe how many clothes I have now. I can go the rest of my life and never wear the same outfit twice." Leader laughed as Konan continued to talk about everything she had bought yesterday, he finally stopped her when she got to the shoes.

"But what was your biggest purchase?"

"A platinum jewelry set with diamonds and sapphires." Konan refilled her cup as a pained wail echoed through the the hideout. "Was that Kakuzu?"

"Sounds like it, think he heard you?"

"No, he found the receipts from yesterday." Konan snickered as footsteps thundered down the stairs. Three...two...one... The kitchen door slammed open and a bedheaded Kakuzu was shaking pointing at Konan.

"You...You...You...YOU!"

"Me?" Konan said sweetly, waiting.

"YOU WENT SHOPPING!"

"Yes."

"With money!?"

"Yes."

"WHERE DID YOU GET 3,000,000 ryo!"

"Your room." The 91 year old shinobi clutched his chest and fell to the floor. "Wanna see what it got me?"

Quickly Kakuzu stood back up, "RETURN IT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW!"

"Can't was a special order." Kakuzu was in front of Konan in a heartbeat.

"YOU WILL REPLACE MY MONEY OR YOUR HEART WILL REPLACE THE ONE YOU JUST CAUSED TO ARREST!"

"You'll get your money back with valuable entertainment today. As for the heart, you don't want mine, it's too expensive." Konan laughed, "Now sit down and have a cup of coffee and wait for Deidara to come downstairs."

Hidan was shaking, holding religious books that were not his own. Staring at Leader he demanded to know where his Jashinist scrolls were. All Leader could do was shrug and ask Konan. Upon doing this, screams of MY HAIR echoed throughout the base. Everyone looked confused at each other, until Deidara walked down the stairs, hair cut short and patchy, some touching his shoulder, some so close to his head it was almost buzzed. When everyone saw, laughter erupted from the Akatsuki, causing the blonde to burst into tears. Itachi had to dodge to the side to avoid the sprinting shinobi, his hair in a towel.

"You guys know Kisame is outside, puking his guts out burying the shark fin soup from last night with the sushi?" Itachi asked and a few members made a disgusted face. "Also there's a revolting odor coming out of Tobi's room. Konan gagged, and everyone turned to her. Shit...and well piss... and maybe some decaying body parts...

"Maybe someone should go check on him..." No one moved, until Itachi volunteered Hidan.

"Why me?"

"You're Immortal so the smell won't kill you upon inhalation."

"Damn it." Going upstairs Hidan grimaced, feeling slight pity for him, Konan went to the kitchen and pulled out every cleaning utensil and disinfectant and left them at the bottom of the stairs.

Leader stood in the middle of the room, staring down the remaining men in his organization. Kakuzu was in tears still, as was Kisame. Deidara was having Itachi try to save his hair, which was now greatly resembling Tobi's but blonde. Hidan was rocking back and forth clutching his Jashinist pendant.

"Now I don't know what the hell you all did to piss Konan off, but I was given a few examples but I know it takes more than one offence for her to go this far, but never do it again. She spend all day yesterday getting even with all of you. Kakuzu I will replace the 3,050,000 ryo she stole, and Itachi, you will be bought new Paul Mitchelle products. Hidan your Jashinist scrolls are in Konan's very empty closet, because she hasn't unpacked her shopping spree yet. Zetsu, Hidan will supply you with new...snacks... Deidara... I'm sorry dude but she got your ass good."

"What did she do to Tobi, he was unresponsive when I tried to wake him up. He was laying in a pile of shit." Hidan frowned, "I may not like the guy but damn he looked dead."

"Probably is, she poured some of Sasori's poison in his juices, I don't recommend drinking them."

"So why didn't you get in trouble?" Kisame cried, looking pale.

"I didn't get to help, that's punishment enough for anything I do in the future."