A/N: Ok it's a story about Stewie, nothing special there. My first non slash... this is really an introduction chapter... most of it has no real plot and the jokes suck. Yeah it's almost like the show.

Hi, I'm Stewie and I'm the typical homicidal talking infidel. This story is about me although there are other people in it… Louis, Brian… Fat man!!! Me and Louis go way back, I used to live in her uterus once, a lot of bad memories. Fat man and I go back as well, I used to be inside his penis once and those were fun memories.

I have tried to kill my mother 993 times in my short life although it's nothing compared to what she has done to me.

"Oh sweetie you got a temperature!!"

"Ah get off me vial woman, I am trying to tell a bloody story," You can see what I mean can't you? Her hands are always all over me, can't I file for rape? I mean just because in the 60s it was ok to have sex with your family doesn't mean it still is.

"You need to go to sleep,"

"Leave me alone dirty moo cow, I am trying to do a freaking introduction here, how else are these nerds and slash or homosexuals going to find out about me?"

"You're obviously got a fever honey, why don't you get some sleep?" Sleep? Ha!! I thought it was a question but she forces me into the bed with no remorse and closes the curtains.

"You twisted fiend I will have my revenge on you one day," It wasn't even about her forcing me into bed like some hooker Quagmire is going to fuck. More or less I hate Louis because she is a vile woman. I think she has a penis. Oh I called you guys nerds and homosexuals, well don't get too annoyed, I mean you are reading aren't you? Don't stress, my sister Meg is both.

I was supposed to tell you about myself weren't I? Well my best friend is Rupert the teddy bear, oh yes me and him have had a lot of adventures in the bed. Not the kind my parents do however, it's apparent that they like wrestling. I had walked in on them one night and it seemed as if the fat man had Louis in submission. She was screaming as if it fat man was stabbing her in the back. I just assume fat man won, although Louis is hard to defeat as I have learnt in my many attempts to kill her.

"Hey kiddo, you okay?" Brain the "loveable" family pet just walked into my room and asked a question he hasn't ever meant. He doesn't care about me at all and even though we have been comrades in certain adventures, I and he are mainly enemies.

"What do you care? Cat got your tongue? HA!"

"That wasn't really funny; anyways you might need to go see the doctor,"

"Excuse me what? Did you just imply one of my jokes wasn't funny? Perhaps you will get AIDS you filthy homosexual."

"Firstly I am not a homosexual, I got a girlfriend last week… you don't remember Jewel?"

"HA! You're having sex with jewellery,"

"How dare you!! I came up here to really make sure you were okay and you dare say things like that. I'm still a virgin!!" I laugh out at this, I am not sure if I should believe that or not.

"You a virgin? A seven yr old virgin, well the typical age for getting laid in the 21st Century is eight… go fuck your girl and leave me to finish my introduction." Anyways I got many hobbies other than trying to kill my mother. I read books. I think my favourite book is the one with the girl and the bears and the bears rip the flesh off of the girl. That's what every child's book should be like, although I did read a rather interesting one about a puppy get its head blown off.

I also like music, I mean who doesn't? My favourite song would have to be the wheels on the bus go round and round. To me the song is about killing your mother so that's probably why I like it. Oh I like watching the T.V, especially Blues Clues. I find the dog to be quit comical, especially when he blew Steve's head the fuck off and starting having sex with it. A good laugh for all ages really.

You're probably wondering what this story is about, well your just going to find out aren't you? This might be the first chapter but there isn't going to be any plot revealed, mainly because the writer is too lazy to have a story with a plot. What is this? A FOX show?

"Honey, its okay it's only mummy," My mother re-enters my room; she kind of sucks the happiness out of everything. Not the only think she sucks but I don't feel like going into unnecessarily detail. If this was a story about fat man then you can have all the random bullshit your flab desires but till then put a cork in it you fucking cow.

"No it's not okay, where the hell have you been? Feed me!!!!" She ignores my commands for a lunch while she drags me out of the room.

"What the hell do you think your doing?"

"Its okay sweetie," She cuddles me annoyingly but it's kind of nice times.

"Your skin feels good mummy, what's the moisturizer you're using? I bet it could make my skin feel at least 6 months younger." This lady is still the despicable whore she has always been but I think it's much more fun when she is doing something good, like loving me. I bet the fat man and Brian is going to be jealous to see all the attention the bitch is giving me. I fall asleep in my mother's arms only too be re-awoken in a place that isn't home.

The room has a certain eerie feeling and the light is quiet bright however the room still feels like it is dark. There are strange, sharp objects lying on a table, almost as if there are used for torture. Has the vile woman and fat man finally lost their minds and given up the one person in their house that isn't an imbecile? It seems like it, there are no signs of either of them. The door suddenly swings open and a man in dressed in white with a mask on enters. His very presence sends shivers down my spine. I must escape this place, its worst than watching Friends repeats again.