Awkward Bonding Moments, Chapter 1: Puck
A/N: This is sort of a semi-sequel to my other story 'Awkward Furt Moments.' It isn't necessary to read that first, but feel free to do so. Like that, this is also a dialogue fic. I feel that Kurt doesn't interact enough with the other male members of New Directions. So I decided to make him do that, in odd and disturbing ways, don't ask me why. Timewise, this takes place mid to late season 3. First up, Puck.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
"What are you smirking about Puck? This is a lot more embarrassing for you than me."
"It's funny is all. And what have I got to be embarrassed about?"
"You're naked."
"And?"
"Never mind. I'm going to kill Santana and Blaine. Those two should never be allowed near each other while drinking again. I can't believe he talked me into doing 'seven minutes in heaven' with him."
"You're telling me; there I was thinking 'wow, seven in minutes in heaven with Santana, I haven't been with her since she turned into a lesbian.' "
"And yet instead of my soon to-be-ex boyfriend, I take off my blindfold and see you, butt naked and moving in for the kiss."
"Again, I'm sorry for that."
"You didn't even bother taking off your blindfold first."
"Well how did I know that Santana was going to pull the old switcheroo."
"It's Santana, she's always planning something."
"Well her and Blaine have been awfully chatty tonight. No doubt conspiring against us."
"I hate them."
"Get over it."
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"Incidentally, why are you naked?"
"Santana told me to strip off."
"And you just blindly obeyed."
"Why are you complaining? You're getting a full view of 'The Puck' in all his glory. Enjoy it while you can Princess."
"Could you at least try to cover up a little, you know guard your modesty instead of showing it off for the world to see."
"Why? Is it turning you on?"
"Making me sick, more like."
"Some gay guy you are, can't even handle looking at a little dick."
"Little?"
"You know what I mean, shut up."
"..."
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just, now that I'm thinking about it. It isn't as big as you frequently say it is."
"It's flaccid, if you'd like I could show you it at full mast."
"That won't be necessary."
"I'm telling you, 'The Pucker' is scarily large."
"It has a name?"
"Of course, it's so big it's practically a whole 'nother person."
"I'm sure it is. Can we stop talking about your genitalia now."
"Hey, you brought it up."
"Elephant in the room, one of us was going to mention it sooner or later."
"Elephant huh?"
"Puck!"
"Alright, changing the topic."
"We don't need to talk. Let's just pass the time quietly."
"If you say so."
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"You know, I'm surprised at you Hummel."
"Some silence that was, lasted all of twenty seconds. Why are you surprised?"
"From what Blaine says about your bedroom activities, seeing another guy naked really shouldn't be that uncomfortable for you."
"...Blaine has told you about our private time together."
"Oh, this and that."
"Like what."
"Handcuffs. Whips."
"Oh yeah, I'm definitely dumping him now."
"You know I almost didn't believe him, until he brought out the video."
"Which video?"
"There's more than one?"
"Wipe that suggestive smirk off your face Puckerman."
"What? I'm happy for you. My boy Kurt is getting some. And he's a firecracker in the bed."
"PUCK!"
"Alright, I'm shutting up."
"Thank you."
"..."
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"You little minx."
"Puck!"
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"You know, this isn't fair."
"What isn't?"
"I thought I was gonna get some action in this closet. I was preparing for it."
"Tough. What do you mean you were preparing for it?"
"Would you be alright if I –"
"You cannot be serious."
"Dude, I gotta get some relief. I haven't blown my load in a couple of days in preparation for this party. "
"That's disgusting. And who were you planning on getting with. Every girl here is in a relationship, except for Quinn, and she barely tolerates you."
"I thought there were going to be other girls here. Come on, just close your eyes, cover your ears and face the other way. I'm already getting a semi."
"Gross. And I am not doing any of that."
"Well then watch if you want, just don't say anything until I'm done.
"Puck! No! You are not doing that. You can wait until you get home."
"I don't think I can hold out that long, I mean, it's crying for attention, look at how big it's gotten."
"Okay, that is seriously impressive."
"Told you."
"But no, if you can't wait until you get home, at least wait until we're let out of this closet, so I can get as far away as possible from you."
"I'll try."
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"Dude, it's not going down."
"..."
"OW! What that fuck was that for!
"Pick a reason."
"Dude you stamped on my bare fucking foot with those crazy shoes of yours."
"Puck."
"Oh Hummel I swear, your death is going to be painful."
"Puck."
"Pick a fist, left or right, keep in mind I punch better with my left."
"Puck."
"Let's see how you like it."
"PUCK!"
"What?"
"Look down."
"Why would I lo-? Oh it's gone."
"You're welcome."
"Wait, did you -? How?"
"Pain and distraction."
"Oh nice one, thanks."
"No problem, now let us never speak of this again."
"Done."
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"..."
"Uh Hummel, just so you know. You ever do that again and I will slam that pretty face of yours into a wall."
"Noted."
A/N: Reviews are greatly appreciated. Next up, Sam!