Time's the Charm
By: Nuuoa

P A R T O N E

It was not the first time Archie had tried to confess to Atlanta, and it would not be the last.

Things had started out as they normally did, on the day that Archie had supposedly set things up just right. Odie was somewhere, undercover, making sure that things were going according to plan; that Atlanta was on her way to her car, and realized she had forgotten her keys, or was walking down the right path towards the man Archie had persuaded to attack her with most of his savings, which wasn't a lot. But it always ended the same way, and today was no different.

Atlanta forgot her keys, but instead of entering her apartment to find Archie dangling them seductively, saying he'd give them to her for a kiss, she decided to walk.

Atlanta was about to get mugged. Atlanta was about to get mugged... What would Atlanta do to the person that had tried to mug her? Wait to get saved by Archie? Archie had not thought that one through; it was one of the weakest out of his forty-nine attempts. He had had to use the rest of the savings he hadn't used to bribe the man to pay for the medical bills.

Jay had tried to reason with him after that point, begging Archie to be direct, open, and honest, but Archie knew better than to pull a stupid move like that!

So it was no surprise to anyone when, on the day of his attempts' fiftieth birthday, Archie was bound to fail.

It had been a day just like any other... The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the sky was blue, and there was only a five-percent chance of showers...

"Honestly Odie, could you be any slower?" Archie called impatiently from outside the bathroom door. Odie had been in there for a while, and time was running out. They needed to make it to the park before she did. Archie couldn't afford to make mistakes; not again.

"Idunnoyimufflegoo," Odie said, his words only a fraction of what they would be from the same room, and that wasn't a saying much.

Archie huffed. "I can't understand a word you're saying from behind that goddam door!"

"I said," the door swung open violently, knocking Archie from his slouch against the frame and onto the floor. "I don't know why I go along with you!" And there he stood in all his glory: a sixteen-year-old black boy, a hero, a descendent of the great Odysseus, the mastermind behind all of their schemes, clutching a purse, adorned in floral, and glaring at Archie from between two badly applied false lashes.

Yes, Odie, their cute little nerd, was dressed as a woman. An old woman.

Archie could barely contain his tears.

"O-oh m-my GOD!" He was clutching his stomach, rolling around on the carpet, picking up a nasty rug burn that he could worry about later. Odie was not as amused; the purse was wrapped tightly to his chest, fake boobs and all, and the severity of his face was only increased by the odd-looking gray, gelled thing on his head that was supposed to be a wig.

"I hate you..." his voice soured. "I should've listened to Jay..."

They had gathered the... ehh... 'apparel' from Theresa's closet. Her grandmother had left her a few things after she had died, and Theresa didn't have the heart to throw them away; they had been stuffed to the back of an old chest and pulled out only when the gang needed a good disguise for one of their missions. And fortunately, Odie had been just Grandma Theresa's size! But it was only to be used for extreme cases, and... Well...

What was more important than teenage lovelife? Let hormones be the judge, and the answer is: nothing.

Archie's face tightened, trying to be serious for a moment. But Archie had never been very good at being serious. His smile dominated his long face.

"If you had listened to Jay, your outfit would be far worse than that my friend."

Odie gave him the look again. He looked as if he had sucked a lemon. Or maybe it was just the fake wrinkles, painted quite skilfully onto his cheeks...

"No, if I had listened to Jay, I would've been out of this mess a long time ago. Honestly, can you please just tell the girl you love her, and get it over with? So I can get out of this dress?"

Archie ignored the question, "It's actually quite becoming on you. Darling, your breasts look years younger! So firm!" He gave them a squeeze and Odie yelped. Archie wouldn't have been taken aback if Odie had taken his purse and whacked him right over the head, but instead the smaller boy settled for a rather weak push.

"Stoppit Archie, get your own!"

"That's what I'm tryinnnggg to do!" Archie fell into a mock beg at his friend's feet. "Please, please help me get action. You're the genius! You're the one that will make my plans work!"

Odie snorted, either from contempt, the lie that Archie's pride made of just wanting action, or the powder on his face. "Honey please, no one could make your plans work."

Archie got up from the floor, dusting himself off, his shorts pressed to his things. "But you—"

Odie silenced him with one long, manicured finger. "I'm a scientist. I can't perform miracles." He sighed, his hand doing weird jerking gestures that were defiantly not normal for a man. The two of them blinked, and Odie stuffed his hand into his purse, somehow hoping to contain its unknown potential.

"Archie, it's just... Why an old woman?" Odie's hand was still making obvious girly twitches, but they both chose to pointedly ignore it.

"Odie, Odie, Odie..." Archie chuckled, ruffling out his purple hair. "Everyone knows that only old ladies go out for walks on Sundays; we wouldn't want you to stand out, would we?"

"You and Atlanta aren't old ladies," Odie looked up at him through the non-neon glasses that Archie had made him change. "Nevermind, just Atlanta."

"Come on man, I promise you that I'll never ask you for anything again!" Odie's eyebrows rose at this, obviously remembering the last twenty times Archie had promised the exact same thing. Archie just watched, rubbing the back of his neck, but his waiting paid off. Odie sighed, dropping his now still hand to his puffed out hips.

"Fine, fine. But if anyone catches me dressed like this, I promise you, I will make you black. Don't ask me how, but I will make you black."

"Thank you so much, I owe you one!" Archie smiled, but Odie did not smile in return, nor did he frown. He just watched him with big, brown eyes, and suddenly, Archie could hardly breathe. He was paper at that moment, being judged and evaluated for what he really was.

A coward.

Archie's smile became a mask.

"But just so you know, man, I may be the one dressed as a woman, but you're the only girl I see."

Archie laughed, slapping Odie on the back. "That's because there's no mirror." But Archie knew what he really meant. That a real man would just tell the girl how he felt; he'd tell her that he dreamed of her every night, in ways no man should. Not of any night-time pleasures, but of visions that led to these reckless plans. Of the sweetest ways in which they could get together, of their first kiss, and finally being able to tell her that he loved her.

The mood had to be just right. And Archie would do anything to make the revelations come true. Even if it meant sacrificing his manly dignity, and dressing his best friend up as an old woman.

"So, tell me again, sonny," Odie reached for the door, opening them up to sunlight. "What's the plan?"

"I honesty cannot believe that you are going through with this," Odie's words were mere crackles coming from the PMR. Archie rolled his eyes while adjusting the off position that his shorts had taken up his leg. He was just waiting for Atlanta to meet him by the park gate, and Odie was already somewhere in the park, probably trying to get far enough into the park and to find the right bench to sit on. Odie sounded out of breath.

"What do you mean?" Archie didn't really care; he had honestly heard too much about what he thought about all of his plans anyways. Archie just wanted to get this over with and get the girl—thee girl.

"I mean, you know what I mean! The part about you hiring the guy you got to mug Atlanta last time to attack you! Are you crazy?! The guy will be out to get you... You never did pay for all those medical bills..."

Archie chuckled, licking his lips. The wind had made them hard and dry, and he was getting nervous. He didn't bother to respond to the crazy part, not really knowing himself.

"Don't worry about a thing—"

Odie did though, "He's going to be mad, Arch. Besides, what does getting pretend beaten up accomplish? I may not be an expert on women, but I do know that their idea of romance is not seeing their man getting beaten up before—"

Archie cut him off this time.

"Not an expert on women? My dear Odie, you've walked a mile in their shoes!" The laughter was one-sided. His pale chest heaved by itself.

"Will you stop avoiding the implications!" Despite the static, it was obvious that Odie was grumbling. It sounded even more like gravel against Archie's ear.

"I know..." a hush, a dull, reverberating softness, "It's just... I want everything to be perfect; just like inside my head."

Odie's sigh was long and deep.

"Sometimes life is better than any illusion of what you want it to be. Want to know why?" Archie's teeth clenched down on his red mouth. He didn't.

"Because it's real."

Damn.

But Archie didn't have a chance to reply, because Atlanta was rounding the corner, her feet pounding with excitement on the cracked pavement. Archie shoved the PMR into his pocket, muting Odie's voice of reason for good. Archie allowed himself to smile, and in turn was greeted with the most beautiful snow white sunshine. Her mouth was small, wide, and plump, and the most beautiful colour of roses against her tanned skin.

Archie wasn't sure if this moment, this little plan he had created, was real or not. But he knew that she was.

He knew she was beautiful.

"Hey, who were you talking to?" Her hazel eyes twinkled, a flame so magnificent it almost stole the sun. But the sun was dangerous, and there was nothing deadly about what her eyes offered: purity, adventure, and love.

"No one, just getting a weather update. We're due for sunshine all day." And he would have sunshine for the rest of his life if this day went well. It had to.

"Haha, you're such a dork." Atlanta punched his arm, and with it his dignity. He was glad Odie wasn't there to see that, but then took comfort in the fact that nothing that could happen to him would be more embarrassing than half of what Odie was wearing.

"Come on," Atlanta broke Archie's concentration, and called over her shoulder, already a few feet ahead of him into the foliage. She was red against green, and his eyes could not move off of her.

Archie sighed, picking up the pace to keep up with her. He only hoped that it would go well—since none of them had before. Odie's voice kept ringing in his ear, asking him about how he could be crazy enough to hire a guy who hated him to beat him up—for money. Honestly, Archie didn't know, but he knew he had to try.

He pulled ahead, all the while not knowing where a pair of eyes were watching. Watching. Waiting for him.

It had not been the first time Archie had made a grave mistake, and it would not be the last.

A/N: Hello my lovelies, I am still here. I was hoping to get this completed, but I miss the fanfiction love and just wanted to get it up as soon as possible. I adore and miss all of you! SO I HOPE THIS WAS FUNNY. My funny hasn't been used in a while. It should be one more chapter—I was going to make this a one-shot, but I got impatient with myself : ) I AM SO SLOWWWWW. SO HERE 3 It should honestly be up—the next chapter that is, in a week. I wanted to make it in time for the CotT awards D: ohwell.

EXCEPTION FOR THE NUU? 8D jokes. ENJOY ARCHIE'S ANTICS. –Nuuoa