A/N: Today's my birthday! Anyways, here's a special surprise for that.
Wrote it for one of the chapters in Beyond Aperture; however it didn't "work" and got cut. That was months ago. Found it again and couldn't stop laughing (I could've sworn I said I couldn't write GLaDOS... IMO, I did a solid job here, though nothing really impressive) then decided, 'hey, why not a oneshot?' It takes place in that universe, officially, although it works on its own.
Dear [SUBJECT NAME HERE]
I will never understand the human fixation with the day they were born. It is not the day they came into existence; in fact, just speaking of conception mortifies most humans. Anyways, it isn't even like the day belongs to you. Many people share birth dates. What's the point in it when there are better things to commemorate, such as the day that a dangerous, mute lunatic and an imbecile were exiled from the facility? A victory on its own, worth using the good confetti for.
Still, though, since birth dates are important to humans, happy birthday [SUBJECT NAME HERE]. Congratulations on being a year closer to death in your short, sad life. While I am going to live forever, you're going to be dead in around 60 years. I don't have the actuarial tables in front of me. I would also like to take a moment to remind you that the Weighted Companion Cube is sentient and does not appreciate being used as an end-table. You are breaking its heart. Also, please say hello to the moron for me. I am quite disappointed you did not try to kill or abandon him. I must say that since you took all the trouble to bring him with you, you must really love that metal-ball.
The Cooperative Testing Initiative is doing very well. I no longer have to worry about being murdered or forcefully disassembled and placed in a root vegetable or pecked by birds. I have no desire to bring my [REDACTED] test subject back., let alone the intelligence dampening sphere. In fact, it would be a good idea for both of you to stay as far, far away from the facility as you can; it already took several hundred hours of runtime to expunge every trace of contamination that the little idiot left behind in the mainframe. I really don't deserve to spend the next 60 years trying to stop you from sending my facility up in an atomic fireball.
Sincerely,
[REDACTED]