Clerks; Canadien Stlye.
(Quick Stop, Dante is working counter - not in the
prostitute kind of way. Random Idiot Customer [RIC] walks in.)
RIC: Pack of cigarettes?
Dante: Three-fifty.
RIC: What the fuck? - It used to be three dollars.
Dante: Well they went up (mumbling) like the cancer population.
RIC: What was that you fucking slack-jawed mother fucking, clerk?!!!
Dante: Now- now, that kind of language is un-necessary, (mumbling) fucking dick.
RIC: What was that - what was that?
Dante: Three-fifty, sir, (sarcastically) and have a nice day.
(Random Idiot Customer gets cigs and walks out. Cut to
RST Video, customer from Quick Stop is there rambling to Randal.)
RIC: ….So then I called him a slack-jawed mother fucking, clerk. (laughs like Axel Folely)
(Randal is reading Ass Blaster from Outer Space.)
Randal: (monotonously) That's so interesting.
RIC: And then, I walked out and gave him a Canadien nickel.
(laughs like Axel Folely mixed with Cletus from The Simpsons)
(Cut to Kind of Canadia. Turns to Vice-King.)
King: Where the fuck is my nickel?
(Rains starts to fall - soldiers stab rain with primitive spears)
Soldiers: Kill the evil spirits - kill the evil spirits - call Mr. Leo!
(Cut back to RST Video. Randal is watching breaking
news report on TV from Canadia. Ted Koppel on field.)
Ted Koppel: We are hear with the King of Canadia and his Vice-King.
(Camera angles on Vice-King - screwing his pet-lover-donkey in a Mounty suit.)
Vice King: You like that, eh?
Donkey: Eeeeahnnhhh!
(Camera goes back to King of Canadia.)
King: Vice King no come - he meet Sec. Of State.
Ted Koppel: So tell us the big controversy in Canadia.
King: Osama Bin Laden visit - he steal nickel - brink meaniee
bad spirits - we stab spirits - spirits die.
Ted Koppel: Couldn't we argue that these bad spirits are just plain, ordinary rain?
(Uneasy silence - crickets chirping blame Canadia song from South Park)
King: Speak Canadiaenne!
(Koppel takes out How to Speak Canadiaenne for Absolute
Complete Idiots: Second Revised Edition.)
Ted Koppel: Bad spirits no - rain goode. (Looks pleadingly at King)
King: You bad spirit - you die now Osama!!!
(Stabs Ted Koppel with primitive spear. Soldiers take out
sporks and spaknives, cuts into Koppel - eats Koppel.) [Big Giant
Voice; "New outbreak in Canadia: CANNABILISM - On the next Dateline.]
(King in background)
King: Mr. Leo - Mr. Leo!
(Cut back to Randal as he closes up RST Video. Random
Idiot Customer is locked in store)
RIC: Ooohhh! - Navy Seals: Sequel.
(Jay and Silent Bob in usual place, pedaling wears.)
Jay: Hey! - What's up you cock - sucking, clerk? We have some new shit!
Randal: Didn't I fucking tell you fucking junkies to stop pedaling your wears?
Jay: You got us all wrong, man - show 'um Silent Bob!
(Silent Bob opens up trench coat - he forgot all of
his clothes - stands butt naked. Opens eyes wide in shock.
Turns around - half second later comes back fully clothed.)
Randal: …And Randal has the biggest cock…
Jay: (Pourno Theme) Chika - chika - bow - bow!!!
(In Silent Bob's jacket - Canadien goodes, including
shiny Canadien penny - underwear (maple leafed thong), Canadien
money (maple leaf with magick marker numbers), Maple leaf crown
with Vice King written on it, and miniature stuffed donkeys in
Mounty suits.)
Randal: Whatever.
(Walks away)
Jay: Damn! - He's fucking hotter than my Siamese twin cousins.
(Looks dreamy-eyed)
(Turns to Silent Bob, smoking a cig.)
Jay: Ughh! - You fucking faggot, I hate guys - I love men - I
mean women. (mumbles) Is that right, yeah - that sounds right.
(Sniggers) No one suspects.
(Back in Quick Stop. Randal walks in - Dante sleeping with
head on counter. Maple leaf thong hits Dante - he wakes and looks
at Randal. Randal is naked swinging vibrating dildo around his head.
Randal: I'mmmm theee gayestttttttttttttttttttt idiot everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Real Randal pours coffee on Dante, wakes him up.)
Dante: Whoa! Randal - hey, are you the gayest idiot ever?
Randal: . . . .
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Umm - what? - Yeah - no! Huh?
Dante: Damn! I just woke up from the best dream I ever had. . .
Randal: Oh, yeah? Was it the one where your flying over
Gotham City naked and your cock is as long as the Eifle tower
and Batman and Robin are playing Vibrating Pony Man, while the
Joker sits on the Pinguin's head, and Ridler runs amuck?
Dante: . . . Um, no. It was about you.
Randal: Did I have the biggest cock?
Dante: I don't know.
Randal: Your a blatant homosexual, you should pay attention to these things.
Dante: Right. . .
Randal: No really - I have the biggest cock ever - see.
(Randdal whips it out. Being three feet long, it breaks
all the eggs that the depressed guidance counselour[DGC] was feeling
up. Depressed guidance counselour looks up and stops rubbing nipples.)
DGC: Now I have to start all over again!
(Stands up, walks with ass out, in a faggoty way -
dressed in pink tutu, sprinkles fairy dust with fairy wand
on way out.)
(Real Dante wakes up.)
Dante: Whoa, maybe I really am a 'mo? At least no one knows
'cause no one comes in this joint.
(Jay pops in.)
Jay: Pack of cigaretts, fag.
(Jay pops back out without getting cigs. Silent Bob
pops up from behind the countre and plays a tape recorder saying,
"Wow, Randal, you really do have the biggest cock - it's so much
bigger than David Hasselhof's." Silent Boby disappears.)
Dante: How. . . (nodding) the Forceeeeeee. At least Randal didn't hear.
(Randal falls through ceiling, landing in disco pose,
dressed as John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. BGs music
plays for split second. In background "Ah!" Dante looks
disdainfully at Randal.)
Randal: You're a cigarette.
(Cut to Randal reading Hair Muppet Star Wars charcters
in Maple Leafed Thongs. TV is on - Dante sits in front of it.)
(King of Canada is eating Vice King. Big giat voice
'The King of Canadia has killed everyone in the U.N. with his
very primitive spear, including his brother twice removed from
his Mother's side, the former Vice King. All hail your new
Emperor King King. (mumbling) His name is King - you gotta
be shittin' me - haahahha - the Emperor King's name is King -
the Emperor King's name is Kiahdgjlakjsdl;fkjas;lhhhhhh!
[New big giant voice speaks] 'All hail and kiss ass of Emperor
King!'
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
{Next Week on clerks - Everyone turns Canadiaenne}
***Author's Note: All mis-spelled words are meant to be mis-spelled including:
Canadia
Canadiaenne
Canadien
Styel
All chacters except Random Idiot Customer, Vice King, Big giant voice,
and New big giant voice, belong to Kevin Smith(Christ), because George
Lucas is God, except Howard the Duck and parts of The Phatom Menace.***
(Quick Stop, Dante is working counter - not in the
prostitute kind of way. Random Idiot Customer [RIC] walks in.)
RIC: Pack of cigarettes?
Dante: Three-fifty.
RIC: What the fuck? - It used to be three dollars.
Dante: Well they went up (mumbling) like the cancer population.
RIC: What was that you fucking slack-jawed mother fucking, clerk?!!!
Dante: Now- now, that kind of language is un-necessary, (mumbling) fucking dick.
RIC: What was that - what was that?
Dante: Three-fifty, sir, (sarcastically) and have a nice day.
(Random Idiot Customer gets cigs and walks out. Cut to
RST Video, customer from Quick Stop is there rambling to Randal.)
RIC: ….So then I called him a slack-jawed mother fucking, clerk. (laughs like Axel Folely)
(Randal is reading Ass Blaster from Outer Space.)
Randal: (monotonously) That's so interesting.
RIC: And then, I walked out and gave him a Canadien nickel.
(laughs like Axel Folely mixed with Cletus from The Simpsons)
(Cut to Kind of Canadia. Turns to Vice-King.)
King: Where the fuck is my nickel?
(Rains starts to fall - soldiers stab rain with primitive spears)
Soldiers: Kill the evil spirits - kill the evil spirits - call Mr. Leo!
(Cut back to RST Video. Randal is watching breaking
news report on TV from Canadia. Ted Koppel on field.)
Ted Koppel: We are hear with the King of Canadia and his Vice-King.
(Camera angles on Vice-King - screwing his pet-lover-donkey in a Mounty suit.)
Vice King: You like that, eh?
Donkey: Eeeeahnnhhh!
(Camera goes back to King of Canadia.)
King: Vice King no come - he meet Sec. Of State.
Ted Koppel: So tell us the big controversy in Canadia.
King: Osama Bin Laden visit - he steal nickel - brink meaniee
bad spirits - we stab spirits - spirits die.
Ted Koppel: Couldn't we argue that these bad spirits are just plain, ordinary rain?
(Uneasy silence - crickets chirping blame Canadia song from South Park)
King: Speak Canadiaenne!
(Koppel takes out How to Speak Canadiaenne for Absolute
Complete Idiots: Second Revised Edition.)
Ted Koppel: Bad spirits no - rain goode. (Looks pleadingly at King)
King: You bad spirit - you die now Osama!!!
(Stabs Ted Koppel with primitive spear. Soldiers take out
sporks and spaknives, cuts into Koppel - eats Koppel.) [Big Giant
Voice; "New outbreak in Canadia: CANNABILISM - On the next Dateline.]
(King in background)
King: Mr. Leo - Mr. Leo!
(Cut back to Randal as he closes up RST Video. Random
Idiot Customer is locked in store)
RIC: Ooohhh! - Navy Seals: Sequel.
(Jay and Silent Bob in usual place, pedaling wears.)
Jay: Hey! - What's up you cock - sucking, clerk? We have some new shit!
Randal: Didn't I fucking tell you fucking junkies to stop pedaling your wears?
Jay: You got us all wrong, man - show 'um Silent Bob!
(Silent Bob opens up trench coat - he forgot all of
his clothes - stands butt naked. Opens eyes wide in shock.
Turns around - half second later comes back fully clothed.)
Randal: …And Randal has the biggest cock…
Jay: (Pourno Theme) Chika - chika - bow - bow!!!
(In Silent Bob's jacket - Canadien goodes, including
shiny Canadien penny - underwear (maple leafed thong), Canadien
money (maple leaf with magick marker numbers), Maple leaf crown
with Vice King written on it, and miniature stuffed donkeys in
Mounty suits.)
Randal: Whatever.
(Walks away)
Jay: Damn! - He's fucking hotter than my Siamese twin cousins.
(Looks dreamy-eyed)
(Turns to Silent Bob, smoking a cig.)
Jay: Ughh! - You fucking faggot, I hate guys - I love men - I
mean women. (mumbles) Is that right, yeah - that sounds right.
(Sniggers) No one suspects.
(Back in Quick Stop. Randal walks in - Dante sleeping with
head on counter. Maple leaf thong hits Dante - he wakes and looks
at Randal. Randal is naked swinging vibrating dildo around his head.
Randal: I'mmmm theee gayestttttttttttttttttttt idiot everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
(Real Randal pours coffee on Dante, wakes him up.)
Dante: Whoa! Randal - hey, are you the gayest idiot ever?
Randal: . . . .
Dante: Randal?
Randal: Umm - what? - Yeah - no! Huh?
Dante: Damn! I just woke up from the best dream I ever had. . .
Randal: Oh, yeah? Was it the one where your flying over
Gotham City naked and your cock is as long as the Eifle tower
and Batman and Robin are playing Vibrating Pony Man, while the
Joker sits on the Pinguin's head, and Ridler runs amuck?
Dante: . . . Um, no. It was about you.
Randal: Did I have the biggest cock?
Dante: I don't know.
Randal: Your a blatant homosexual, you should pay attention to these things.
Dante: Right. . .
Randal: No really - I have the biggest cock ever - see.
(Randdal whips it out. Being three feet long, it breaks
all the eggs that the depressed guidance counselour[DGC] was feeling
up. Depressed guidance counselour looks up and stops rubbing nipples.)
DGC: Now I have to start all over again!
(Stands up, walks with ass out, in a faggoty way -
dressed in pink tutu, sprinkles fairy dust with fairy wand
on way out.)
(Real Dante wakes up.)
Dante: Whoa, maybe I really am a 'mo? At least no one knows
'cause no one comes in this joint.
(Jay pops in.)
Jay: Pack of cigaretts, fag.
(Jay pops back out without getting cigs. Silent Bob
pops up from behind the countre and plays a tape recorder saying,
"Wow, Randal, you really do have the biggest cock - it's so much
bigger than David Hasselhof's." Silent Boby disappears.)
Dante: How. . . (nodding) the Forceeeeeee. At least Randal didn't hear.
(Randal falls through ceiling, landing in disco pose,
dressed as John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. BGs music
plays for split second. In background "Ah!" Dante looks
disdainfully at Randal.)
Randal: You're a cigarette.
(Cut to Randal reading Hair Muppet Star Wars charcters
in Maple Leafed Thongs. TV is on - Dante sits in front of it.)
(King of Canada is eating Vice King. Big giat voice
'The King of Canadia has killed everyone in the U.N. with his
very primitive spear, including his brother twice removed from
his Mother's side, the former Vice King. All hail your new
Emperor King King. (mumbling) His name is King - you gotta
be shittin' me - haahahha - the Emperor King's name is King -
the Emperor King's name is Kiahdgjlakjsdl;fkjas;lhhhhhh!
[New big giant voice speaks] 'All hail and kiss ass of Emperor
King!'
TO BE CONTINUED. . .
{Next Week on clerks - Everyone turns Canadiaenne}
***Author's Note: All mis-spelled words are meant to be mis-spelled including:
Canadia
Canadiaenne
Canadien
Styel
All chacters except Random Idiot Customer, Vice King, Big giant voice,
and New big giant voice, belong to Kevin Smith(Christ), because George
Lucas is God, except Howard the Duck and parts of The Phatom Menace.***