I bet you're wondering what the hell I'm doing, aren't you? Considering that I have a Freddie applied hickey on my neck, I guess I should explain. Because I've got my reasons... Even though they make me sound like a raging bitch.

Carly gets EVERYTHING, people. She's pretty. She's smart. Spencer actually buys food to have at their house and will even cook the damn stuff for her. Adults like her at first glance. Hell, the web show is even named after her even though I'm just as much a part of it as she is. God... I sound really bitchy, don't I? I love Carly to pieces. I really do. But... Why doesn't anyone love ME like that?

So, I decided I needed a boy toy. You know, just one who could look at me like I was the most important thing they'd ever seen. It's one thing to strike fear into a heart- entirely another to get that starry eyed goo goo face Carly seems to get from everything with a penis.

Here's my deepest, darkest secret. You ready? It was gonna be Gibby. He'd be easy, right? I mean... It's GIBBY. He's a NUB, people. And face it... Mama's got curves now. Boys likey the curves. I could have a boyfriend. I could have someone look at me like just about everyone looks at Carly. So, I asked him to that STUPID dance. Only... I found out he already HAS a girlfriend. He has Tasha. It blew me away. I mean, really? REALLY? Even GIBBY has someone to look at him like he's the inventor of ham? I figured I could at least go hang out with Carly and Freddie. So, I headed off to the Groovy Smoothie where the afterparty was supposed to be.

That's when I saw them. Her head was on his shoulder and his hands were on her waist... And they looked big. And protective. And they both looked happy. Really happy. And I could hardly see straight because I just got SO frickin' jealous. Am I a bad friend for thinking like that? I hope not, but... God, I was. Carly didn't even LIKE Freddie and yet there they were. Dancing together looking every bit like a happy couple. And then... They kissed. And I'm not talking a peck like we had, either. I mean, they really kissed. And I just stood there watching through the window, feeling like I might start crying any second. Because if they started dating, I would be SO DAMN ALONE.

It didn't happen, of course. I asked Carls about the dance and she left out the part about swapping spit with Freddie, but... Then she started crushing on another guy and Freddie kinda got that sad puppy face again. So, I decided that Freddie was cute enough and wanted a girlfriend. Plus, I know he'd noticed that my boobs are bigger than Carly's. I overheard he and Gibby talking about 'em in the studio when I went back up for my backpack. Boys are so dirty sometimes. But, it's fine. I just started wearing tighter tops. Mama was on the prowl.

Then that damn taco truck just about killed Carly and Freddie saved her. And then THEY started dating. FML, right? By this point, I had too much time invested in my plan, so... I'm ashamed to admit that I came up with the "foreign bacon" thing to break them up. I knew there was no way Freddie would want to be in a relationship- especially with his dream girl- if she was doing it out of obligation instead of feelings. I feel kinda bad about that. Especially because Carly admitted she had really enjoyed kissing him. I suggested it was just hormones and she said, "Yeah... Maybe. But he IS a good kisser" and giggled. I figured I needed to find that out for myself.

Stuff just kinda evolved into... This. And she's right. He IS a good kisser. And his body ain't too bad, either. But, even when we're alone and he's looking into my eyes... I still don't get that look he used to give Carly. And that makes Mama sad.