Disclaimer: I own Nothing
A/N
Alright. I was not on drugs when I wrote this. I swear. This has actually been on my mind for a LONG time. It's just the typicalness of each beginning to a Merlin story that eventually drove me crazy and this was the result. TOTAL Crack fic! PREPARE!
AND ENJOY!
Hello children! I suppose you're wondering why I'm actually narrating this story like this...don't worry I shall explain. This is a story about our beloved prince and warlock. However, this story is very much different from others. For in this story, we are going to sum up exactly what a million and one people think makes a brilliant story beginning about the idiot servant and prat like prince.
So here it goes.
It starts like this. Typically.
The beginning starts with Arthur and Merlin hunting and Merlin's stumbling over everything and Arthur's calling him out on it. Usually with just the band of knights (maybe some disposable ones to add excitement) that were knighted in season three are with them/or they're alone. And the of course typical banter between Arthur and Merlin about how much Merlin hates hunting, and wonders why Arthur finds it amusing to kill cute, fluffy animals. Arthur responds by calling Merlin a girl/girl's petticoat/idiot. The knights laugh, amused by their oh-so brotherly affection towards each other (or if you're a slasher then it's a romantic affection.)
What I'm going to do, is alter everything so that I'll hopefully have you cracking up by the end of this. This is very much a Crack!Fic so prepare. So I'm going to do this typical story line MY way! *laughs evilly*
Like this:
Merlin HATED hated HATED hunting, he of course couldn't understand why Arthur loved killing animals for sport. The fact that Camelot needed food and Arthur needed to prove himself a good prince didn't matter. Animals were SO innocent!..and cute!..and the fans would probably have a riot if Merlin didn't think that killing animals was wrong.
"Arrrthhhuuuurrrrr." Merlin grumbled and complained. "Why do we ALWAYS have to go hunting? Don't you know what happens when we go hunting? We always end up being attacked by bandits and then I save your life by shoving you out of the way then taking an arrow, or using magic to stop it." He said ditching the lines that the Author gave him.
The prince turned around and ignored the fake laughter of the knights around him...the laughing didn't even make sense considering what he had just said was not even remotely funny.
"Well MERLIN I don't exactly have a choice in the matter considering the fact that this would be a TERRIBLY boring beginning to the story if we didn't start out hunting...Oh and Merlin, I don't think you were supposed to tell me about your magic yet, oh and I think you were supposed to trip on that root a little ways back."
Merlin turned around and viewed a random root that was sticking out of the ground indeed, a little ways back. He'd made sure to dodge that...(maybe the Author wouldn't notice!)
He eyed it hatefully "Do I have to...I'm seriously not THAT clumsy..."
Gwaine let out a hearty laugh. "Merlin! Oh Merlin! You don't understand, they think it's CUTE that you're so adorably clumsy...does anyone have any ale?"
Merlin let out a sigh and marched back to the root, then, getting back in his fanfic-like character, he dramatically pitched forward on the random root and faked a blush when they all fake laughed at his patheticness.
"You're SUCH a GIRL Merlin. Ahahah AHAHAH ahahah HHAHAHAH!" Arthur laughed in his typical laugh of his.
"..." A few awkward moments passed when the fake laughter died down and Merlin waited for his assist to help him off the ground. "Psst Lancelot!" Elyan said nudging Lancelot who was daydreaming about how dang fake his life was...
Why did they all think he liked Gwen? Huh? Stupid legend. He had to play according to the rules or-...or...or What?..Maybe-
"Oh Lancey! You're supposed to not laugh and go help Merlin up from the ground. You missed your cue." Elyan whispered pointing to Merlin who was still sprawled on the ground.
"Oh...right sorry." He said shaking his head and heading over to Merlin and snatching him by the arm and hauling him up.
"Haha, do you think that the Author is gonna make this a Lancelot/Merlin fic?" Gwaine asked nudging one of the disposable knights in the arm.
"Glehdapphhyyadjka." It slugged.
"Oh right, sorry I forgot you don't know how to talk, hey Percy!" Gwaine bounced right up to the huge knight asked him the same thing.
"I was told not to speak." He replied causally. "My past is what keeps me quite apparently, and plus I'm supposed to be the gentle giant and not want to say much and pretty much just follow Lance around like he's my master." The giant man shrugged and continued to watch as Lancelot and Merlin chatted about how much of a prat Arthur was, and how this fic was totally lame.
So there is the typical beginning to our story...the tripping, the complaining, and the affection between Arthur and Merlin.
Now comes the exciting part! The typical bandit attack!
"AHHH!" Leon shrieked and ducked for cover.
"..."
"...Leon...they haven't attacked yet." Lancelot said akwardly.
...Um thanks for screwing up the bandit attack Leon.
All of the present group suddenly stared up at the sky in bewilderment.
"Who said that?" Arthur asked.
"I dunno, but the sky is right Leon, you totally messed up to story. No one's gonna read this now." Gwaine said giving the knight a look.
"Hey, you can't blame me, things happen so suddenly in these kind of fics, you can never predict when-" Suddenly, AN ARROW EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE TREE BESIDE HIM.
~ Story Pause ~
^If you're wondering why I put that in all caps, it's because in EVERY story I read while Arthur and Merlin and such are out hunting or what not. That same DANG line is used everytime there's a bandit attack.
So we're going to rewrite this.
Ehem- *Takes remote control and rewinds* Alright, as Leon was saying:
"Hey, you can't blame me, things happen so suddenly in these fics you can never predict when-" Suddenly a giant toothbrush embedded itself in the tree beside Leon.
"-When something like...THAT is going to happen?"
"Um-"
"YYAARRRRGGHHH." Suddenly a group of green bandits appeared out of thin air and started to attack the group, armed with toothpaste and toothbrushes the size of swords.
"OH, NO!" All of them shouted in unison and drew their swords. Except for Merlin who rolled his eyes and crankily sat down next to a tree. (He was later going to be yelled at for not doing anything even though he saved Arthur's life with magic.)
The problem was. None of the knights + prince could draw their swords.
The dang capes were in the way.
~Story Pause~
^ So yeah, I bring this up because do you ever notice in the last episodes of season 3 did you ever notice while Leon is fighting the undead soldiers that their capes are ALWAYS in the way?
Merlin was leaning up against the assigned tree when he noticed that the knights were having a heck of a time drawing their swords, they couldn't seem to get the cape out of the way when they were reaching for their weapons - and OH NO! Arthur was about to be completely brushed! WITH TOOTHPASTE!
"ARTHUR! NOOOOO!" The mighty warlock shouted and turned around and uprooted the dang tree he was leaning up against and hurled it at the bandit.
Just as Arthur's death-by-toothpaste was about to be carried out, a giant tree suddenly crashed into the bandit and conveniently missed the prince. It actually went right through him. Not one scratch was on him though.
Uh...wait, that's not humanly possible Merlin. I think-
"-AHA! THAT'S what those authors get for CONSTANTLY making me appear to be this helpless little boy who needs a prat to protect him...it's the OTHER WAY AROUND! HAAHAHAH!" Merlin started to run around the camp singing a song about how lame the writes were.
The disposable knights dropped like flies. The disgusting minty toothpaste was smeared all over them and it indeed looked like a gruesome death.
What would their families think!...it was an honorable death...
Then it was just the band of knights which always consisted of Elyan, Percival, Lancelot, Leon, Gwaine and Arthur. -oh and Merlin.
They were surrounded by mad green bandits who had surprisingly white teeth, and they knew this was the end.
Because WHO could save them!
Suddenly, the leader appeared, and he smiled evilly at the group. Immediately they started to scream. For the blinding whiteness of his teeth was too much for them to bear.
"No! PLEASE NO! Stop! Too...BRIGHT!" They all pleaded and tried not to faint.
"AHAH!" The leader shouted and shut his mouth. "NOW I have you Pendragon, and I shall capture you! Then use your little servant and whump the heck out of him so that it has ALL those little fans shrieking in delight as they watch him buuuurrrrnnnn...Then I shall tell you to tell me EVERYTHING you know about Camelot so that I may ambush it and make up a plan so that I may rule it!"
"!" Arthur shouted and reached out a hand to the sky...as if it would be of any help.
Sorry Arty, this is the typical story, you're pretty much screwed.The sky replied then shrugged...if skies could shrug.
Sigh, Sooo all Arthur felt at that moment was dread and fear and blahdly blah blah blah. How could he escape and what not and how was he going to protect Merlin. Those were the question that raced through his tiny brain.
If only Arthur knew Merlin wasn't so helpless...He HAD just uprooted a tree with is bare hands to save him...yeah.
Oh...nooooooooo what's going to happen to them! Will they-
The author never got to finish.
The ground opened up and began to engulf everything. The winds of a random storm picked up and suddenly everything in the world started to rip apart.
"AAHHHHhhhh..." The screams of the groups of bandits and knights + Merlin and Arthur gradually became quieter as they fell into a deep void of nothingness...where they would soon be transported back into a world of fanfiction where things actually made sense.
HEY! What's the big idea! The author shouts when suddenly she's left with a blank page to stare at.
Suddenly an email pops up on DragonGem777's screen.
Dear DragonGem777,
You've gone too far. You've destroyed all reasoning in your fanfiction world. We were forced to abolish it. Rewrite a story that makes sense.
Sincerely,
Random People
...oops...my bad...
Yep, that's it! I'm considering whether to write a sequel on the typical middle of a story…not quite sure yet. But, uh tell me what you think. This was crazy to write, I seriously didn't even think about it while I wrote LOL so I hope you enjoyed!
PLEASE REVIEW and tell me what an insane child I am! :D
DragonGem777