The young woman who had once been known as "Kizuna" stared into her computer screen with an intense precision. It was the middle of the night, and the only sources of light were the gleam of her computer monitor and a dimly lit street lamp, softly illuminating the sidewalk outside her window. At her feet, Kizuna's pet tabby cat rubbed itself against her leg, mewling quietly, after skirting around the heaps of trash that were beginning to pile up inside her room. Kizuna clicked idly at her computer monitor, unable to focus on working, but unwilling to call it a night and get some sleep. Were she to turn her computer off, she would have seen how exhausted she was through her reflection in her laptop's black screen; however, unwilling to admit this truth to herself, she forced herself to stay awake, even if she was truthfully doing nothing.
It was very late, and Kizuna was beginning to feel delirious. She herself wasn't sure why she wanted to stay awake so bad. The incident with SOFDTI had been almost a year ago, and she hadn't spoken to Chris since then. He couldn't possibly understand why she needed to do what had to be done. SOFDTI had created the Forbidden Power, which had hurt innocent people, including Chris and his friends. It was only logical that the source of such an abomination had to be deleted, to prevent anything like it from ever coming into existence again. But in spite of this, Kizuna felt deeply uncomfortable. The incident kept weighing heavily on her mind, and keeping busy was the only way to distract herself long enough to not break down. Kizuna had asked herself if what she was feeling was remorse, despite her best attempts not to think about it. Perhaps SOFDTI was a living, thinking being, as Chris and the other Netkings had argued for so long. But on the other hand, how could one life - a life which only barely even counted as such, for that matter - outweigh the immense suffering and pain that had been inflicted upon others? It was simple math. Despite everything, though, Kizuna couldn't stop thinking about the face Christopher wore through his character model when she had tried to deliver the final blow. The regret and sorrow, the remorse - why did seeing him this way bother so much? Why couldn't she get the idea of his face in real life, bearing the same features that she had seen on Zetto, out of her mind? And why did Chris's feelings matter more to her than the thing itself, matter more than what she had tried to do?
With a start, Kizuna slammed her laptop shut and buried her face into her hands, causing her pet tabby to jolt up and hiss. Although she didn't want to admit it to herself, she missed the feeling of playing TOME with Chris in its early days, bug testing the game before errors in its code could actually hurt someone. Her TOME VR set sat next to her, undisturbed for almost twelve full months. Despite all the time that had passed, the pain of all that had happened kept overwhelming her, and it took all of Kizuna's willpower to remain stoic - for if she showed the slightest weakness, she was sure she would break down. Though she would never, ever admit it to herself (and certainly not to anyone else), Kizuna felt afraid, afraid of what Chris would think of her if she showed the slightest crack in her armor, and above all, of what she would think of herself.
Kizuna started to feel her eyes drooping and finally admitted that it was probably time to go to bed, but the immense emotion continued to overwhelm her, and if she wasn't careful, she was afraid it would end up escaping through her eyes. Her thoughts kept wandering back to Christopher. Why did she care so much about him, anyway? Kizuna gritted her teeth and turned back to her closed laptop. True, she valued everything she had been through with him. Some of her greatest memories were of goofing off with him in TOME's beta stages, not to mention all the times they had a blast together in real life. So why had he tried to stop her? Didn't he have those memories, too? Hadn't everything been to protect him? Hadn't she tried to delete SOFDTI so that he couldn't be hurt again, like what happened when the Forbidden Power was first unleashed?
Kizuna felt a single tear fall down her cheek. Maybe… maybe she had been wrong, but… it was too hard to admit. Gripping her fist tightly against her desk, Kizuna thought of all the good times she had spent with Zetto, before everything went wrong. She desperately wanted all those old times back, wanted to see Chris again, his smile, his laugh… but it would hurt too much to admit it. Still… she thought of Christopher's face again, when he had forcefully logged her out of TOME, to protect the being he had grown to see as a friend. Even if he never forgave her, Kizuna would never forgive herself if she didn't at least try to make things right. Swallowing her pride, she quickly opened her laptop once more and began typing, barely even thinking about what she was doing. It was a short, quick and simple PM, but when she clicked on the final send button and the thing was complete, Kizuna immediately wondered if she had done the right thing.
Hey, Chris, it's me. I wanted to talk about everything that happened last year, even though I understand if you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
Furious at herself for daring to open up even just this much, Kizuna fell onto her bed, nervous and horrified at the possibility she had just made a mistake. She was so stupid, expecting Chris to just forgive her even though everything had gone so wrong… Kizuna buried her face in her hands once more. Before she could get lost in her thoughts again, however, the weight of her eyelids became unbearable, and Kizuna drifted off into the sleep that had so long eluded her, devoid of even a single dream.
...
The next day, the Seattle area experienced heavy rain, not uncommon during the late Winter months which were prelude to the upcoming Spring. Zetto had still not replied to her message, and Kizuna felt hurt and betrayed that she had poured her deepest feelings out to someone who seemed to regard her as little more than a stranger. Her tabby purred and wandered the house looking for mice, and Kizuna felt she was not unlike her cat at the moment, chasing after fleeting hopes that might never come. By the time the evening hours came around once more, Kizuna gave up any hope that she would be given the time of day. Deep down, she knew she was being irrational. It had only been one day since she had reached out to Zetto, and this was after neither of them had spoken to each other for a year. He might have been busy, or else no longer used the account that Kizuna had tried to contact him on. But the thought that sacrificing her dignity to do even such a small thing could be met with silence was more than she could bear. Frustrated, Kizuna threw her laptop across her small room, which thankfully landed on her bed.
Just then, she heard a light tapping, which at first she thought may have been caused by the wind. However, when the tapping was followed by a ring from her doorbell, it was clear that somebody was here to see her. Begrudgingly, Kizuna got up to answer the door, wondering who it could be looking for her so late. Before she even reached the doorknob, however, Kizuna knew the answer, and her stomach performed a small somersault inside of her.
Christopher was standing on her front patio, looking as handsome as ever. Though he wasn't wearing particularly dressy clothes, it was clear that he had at least done his best to look nice before coming to see her. His hair was neatly combed and he was holding a blue umbrella over his head, protecting him from the rain. In the dim light, his left arm was hidden from view.
Zetto and Kizuna stared at each other for a moment before Chris opened his mouth to speak. His tone suggested he was as nervous as Kizuna felt, though perhaps a little less stubborn about allowing it to show.
"H-Hey. I guess it's been a while."
"You're Late."
It was such a ridiculous, cliché thing to say, and Kizuna immediately regretted it. You're Late? There had never been a plan to begin with, Chris had come out of his way to visit her, and yet the words fell out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Her face began to traitorously flush a luminescent red, and Kizuna hastily turned away before she would be forced to look into Chris's stupid gorgeous brown eyes again.
"I, er, I got your message. I didn't really think it was right to talk about... that... over text, so I decided to come stop by. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" said Chris nervously.
"No, I'm free." said Kizuna apathetically.
"I brought an extra umbrella, if you wanted to go for a walk. I figured it would be easier to get everything off our chests that way."
Chris finally revealed his left hand, which, sure enough, had a folded red umbrella clutched tightly in its palm. For a moment, Kizuna considered refusing. But deep down, she couldn't deny that she was happy Chris came to see her, that she so desperately wanted to make things right again, and finally she reached out and took it before opening her mouth to say anything else.
"I have to go and lock up my house. I'll be right back."
Kizuna fumed around her house, making sure all the windows and doors were shut, while her cat mewled at her feet for more food. Finally, she returned back outside, the wet red umbrella still clutched tightly in her hands. She had an irrational fear that Chris would have left in the time she was gone, but sure enough, Zetto was still waiting for her outside, holding his umbrella over his head.
"You're late." said Zetto jokingly, flashing Kizuna a soft smile. Kizuna found herself blushing traitorously yet again, though Zetto didn't seem to notice. Finally, she unfastened the umbrella Chris had given her and held it over her head, hesitantly walking alongside Zetto into the pouring rain.
After a few minutes of silence, Zetto finally spoke again.
"So… you said you wanted to talk?" asked Chris, turning towards Kizuna gently, who looked down and away in response. It was another few seconds before Kizuna finally replied.
"I know I screwed up bad. I just… I didn't want you to be hurt again. I wanted to protect everyone… I wanted to keep the people I cared about safe. I… I just wanted to do what needed to be done."
It took Kizuna a long time to share her thoughts, but still, she tried to keep her head held high. Couldn't Chris see that she wanted to do what was best for everyone? Didn't he get that, that all the things she had done had been for him?
It was Chris's turn to take a long time to speak. Finally, he responded, and Kizuna could hear a note of sadness in his voice as he shared his thoughts.
"I understand that, I really do. I can't say that I agree with what you did and what you wanted to do, but I know that you had your reasons. You have to understand, though, why I couldn't let you go through with it, either. SOFDTI was my friend."
At long last, all the emotions that Kizuna had tried so hard to bottle up inside her began to flush to the surface. All self-control and self-righteousness forgotten, Kizuna began to burst into tears, tears filled with everything she had tried so hard for twelve months to forget.
"I was your friend, too! How could you shoot me in the back, when I was trying to protect you? I… I only wanted to keep you safe, and happy, and make everything go back to the way it was before! I didn't want some mind-reading computer program to get in the way of all of that! I did it all for you! I stayed up for hours on end hunting down that monstrosity that put you through all this in the first place, and you had to get mixed up with the kid who happened to pick it up, and go through all that pain all over again! Why couldn't you let me end it, there and then? Why?"
The words were out of Kizuna's mouth before she understood what she was saying, and Zetto seemed to be in a state of shock more than anything else. She started to swell red as she, far too late, tried to conceal her face from Chris, burying her face into her hands yet again.
Without hesitation, Chris grabbed Kizuna and pulled her close into his chest, completely taking her by surprise. Kizuna sobbed into his chest but, strangely, seemed to feel better - the fact that he wasn't trying to push her away made her feel warmer and safer, and she started to feel at peace for the first time in a very long year.
"I understand, I really do. I just… I didn't want you to go and make another big mistake. I understand all of that pain, and regret, and it's what drove me to work even with Rubirules to try and set everything straight… and I understand the need to protect the people I care about… not just my friends, but you, too. Do you think you're the only one who's been thinking nonstop about what happened, how much I wish it happened differently, but was too stubborn to say anything about it? Do you think you were the only one struggling with yourself to try and reach out, but was too full of pride to do so? When I saw your message, I just… I knew I had to come and see you in person. I didn't want to waste another moment. I just… I wish I had been strong enough to come and see you sooner. I was afraid of what you would think of me."
There was a long, quiet moment, and Kizuna and Zetto looked into each other's eyes, as if seeing each other clearly for the first time in over a year.
"A-are you sure we can j-just start over? C-Chris… can you forgive me?" Kizuna said, her tears finally beginning to let up, her throat becoming choked and dry.
Zetto put his hand on Kizuna's face and smiled gently, and Kizuna's stomach did a somersault once again.
"I already have."
Finally, Kizuna broke away from Christopher's embrace, trying to stand up a little taller. She had allowed her emotions to be revealed far more than she had ever done before, but there was something else that was bothering her, too, and she needed to get it off her chest. Standing up tall, she looked at Chris right in the eyes, she decided it was time to be honest with him at last, which was easier said than done, as it had taken her this long to be honest with herself.
"Chris… remember when SOFDTI read our minds for the first time? Back when we were beta-testing TOME together?"
"I… I do."
Chris replied nervously, he knew what Kizuna was going to say, but it was as hard to accept for him as it was for her. Being honest with somebody else was easy compared to being honest with oneself, which was saying something, considering he had been living a double life for the entire year before last. He himself was having difficulty figuring out what to say in the midst of this incredibly awkward sensation, but the thought of reconciling with Kizuna pushed him to keep moving forward. Though he didn't dare say it out loud, he, too, thought of her as a dear friend, and he wanted to be able to stay beside her forever.
"Do you remember… what she said?"
"She said that… even though we fought, she thought we had very strong… feelings for each other."
As the rain continued to pour over Kizuna and Zetto's heads, here was another long, punctuating silence. Kizuna was unsure of what to say. She was still furious at Chris, and at SOFDTI, but deep down, she knew that she was angry because she had been forced to look at herself differently. SOFDTI had certainly been inappropriate, but she couldn't help but wonder if really she was just mad at herself. Finally, her voice began to quiver again, and she finally faced up to something she had never been able to bring herself to do before.
"C-Chris… What I did… I can see now that, for everything that happened with the Forbidden Power… deep down, I was really just scared of SOFDTI because she saw things inside of me that I wasn't ready to see inside myself. It didn't feel right to have something like that probing inside my deepest feelings, you know?"
Chris smiled gently.
"I do know. Better than you think."
Finally, Chris decided to ask something he hadn't been willing to face up to before, either. With the Forbidden Power and Rubirules behind him, he decided to let it off his chest once and for all.
"Do you… do you think that SOFDTI was telling the truth?"
Kizuna steeled herself and turned towards Zetto, finally ready to tell him what she should have a long time ago.
"You idiot! Of course SOFDTI was telling the truth! Why do you think I'd been working so hard to protect you back when we were in D-Buggers together?! Why do you think I was so hurt when you shot me in the back to save SOFDTI? I did it all b-because I love you!"
There was yet another long silence before Chris finally spoke again.
"D-do you think we can move on after all of this? H-have what we should have had from the beginning if everything hadn't gone so badly?"
"I-I want that more than anything."
Nervously, Zetto and Kizuna interlocked their fingers with each other and began to continue their walk. It began to slowly dawn on Kizuna what had just been said, and her heart began to race. Was it possible-? Kizuna stopped abruptly and stared at Chris in the eyes.
"I… I mean… I didn't want to…"
And without thinking, as if all the emotions and pain and remorse had just been wiped away, Zetto leaned in and kissed her. Kizuna, startled but equally passionate, began to kiss him back with the force of all the emotion she had tried to keep under lock and key. Both of them forgot all about staying dry, dropping their umbrellas low and allowing the rain to wash all over them and their tears.
Realizing what Zetto had just done, Kizuna broke the kiss, blushing profusely. Her heart was racing a mile per minute, and she was happier than she could have ever dreamed that she had taken her shot in the dark and reached out to Zetto, never imagining it could lead to this.
Chris stared back at her and smiled. There would be plenty more to discuss later, he was sure. But holding hands with the woman he loved, in the here and now, it didn't really seem to matter.
"I love you too, Lilly."
