Chapter 1: A Reason for Guilt

I was so far gone. So lost in the depths of my own misery I refused to let go of, that I've almost forgotten how it felt to be genuinely wanted. But when he came, it was like someone dragged me back up from beneath it all and slammed life back into me. It felt like a surge of everything I never knew I missed. It felt like a breath of fresh air. A pleasant warmth completely different from the usual cold I have gotten used to.

'I want you to accept what I have to offer- not only because I want you to, but also because I want you to believe you deserve to be seen that way, Nico…'

He's an entirely different thing for me to handle. I would seriously take hordes of monsters any day. It's kind of like getting a pet. A pet you can't readily accept right out of the bat but neither could you leave out the house. A persistent puppy to be exact. A sunny, blonde puppy who's all-

'…And I do. Just like the way you see him.'

-Too certain and too selfless, that I start to question a lot of things.

What was it that he saw in me? Not that it'd be clearly understood any sooner, just as how I question why I can't let go of my own concerns. Why can't I accept this? He was the perfect embodiment of all positive opportunities. Something I've been missing out on since the beginning of this whole fiasco.

I've been rejected, stripped of all possible choices and only left with these flimsy memories I can't erase.

So what am I even holding back for?

Nico excused himself and walked back out of the big house as soon as Chiron declared the meeting has ended. Fortunately, he was only summoned to hear about the annual reunion due for the next week, and his uselessness to the camp's current field activities. Some head counselors had to leave their cabins for more than a few weeks, either for the camp exchange, or another mission to help satyrs bring new demigods to camp. Everyone he knew had goals in mind, or is already progressing into reaching that point. Jason and Piper had been gone for quite a while. Although they visit camp, everyone just subconsciously knew that they're both slowly creating themselves newer lives, away from their old, battle-worn past. Reyna, Hazel and Frank- all of them are. And soon, Nico knew that everyone would just be too caught up with enjoying life. Well, they've all earned it well enough anyway. To know what you want, to have the capacity to make it happen, and the right moment to have it-

It must be nice.

Not for him. Even after the victory, the young demigod felt unusually restless. Sometimes, when you're used to things blowing up or going wrong, it's not that easy to lead a tamer lifestyle. To be sitting at camp to feel the coolness of the evening breeze, without worrying about the fate of the world- it all still feels like a dream. So when your comrades begun to move on to find their places outside of their roles as heroes, who wouldn't feel on edge? It feels like a sudden Christmas after a civil war or something. Which was, kind of what happened. Literally. Except Christmas.

Nico wondered if he's just too hung up about the matter, or if he's just had too much time on his own. Because of Chiron's brilliant idea of keeping him in charge of monitoring the status of the exchange, he's practically rooted at camp as a watchdog; which included idling about in the fields and staring at legionnaires as they went on with their program. Usually, this kind of availability isn't much of an annoyance to him. But having too much time to mull around when certain blondes have ingrained shitloads of questions to his brain can lead to long, grueling hours.

"I know I can't instantly make you see me that way, Nico. But I'd seriously give anything to see you try." Will Solace whispered as if pleadingly, against the door to Hades' cabin. He stood still for a few heartbeats before slowly walking away.

Nico hadn't meant to snap at him the day he had to leave camp. It was purely unintentional. But since shutting people out had been the next closest thing to coping to him, it wasn't exactly surprising. This 'relationship' thing he had with Will isn't all hearts and butterflies, just as the Aphrodite cabin would have described. To Nico, it was more like a bundle of uncertainty doused in knee-numbing anxiety. Ever since Will clarified his intentions, all the comfort Nico had took refuge in upon befriending him just turned upside-down. Although Nico appreciates his efforts, he became overly aware of his presence that he couldn't even stand helping out in the infirmary. However, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. The guy had been a total sweetheart, much to Nico's slight dismay. He would often visit his cabin uninvited. If not, leave fruits in small baskets with cheesy notes for him to find. Nico thought the notes were unnecessary and slightly overkill, but Will just kept them going. He would find meals inside his cabin whenever his duties keeps him too long, along with a 'Doctor's orders!' scribbled neatly on a note and tucked beside it. Seriously, this guy.

Nico could almost feel a tug etching across his face. But when he started backtracking the way each argument with Will goes, his expression settles on a sad smile.

"I thought you said you're ready to let go? What are you hesitating for then?" The son of Apollo once asked.

What, indeed. Nico couldn't quite place a finger on it yet. Even after all those months of discovering new things with him.

"Believe in me, Solace. I thought I knew better." He mused, as he watched the legionnaires make their way towards the dining pavilion.

Eating at the mess hall during the peak of the exchange had always been weird. It was almost a year at least, but Nico still couldn't get used to seeing a lot of new faces. Sure, his efforts had earned him quite a reputation. They were welcomed as heroes, nonetheless. He was acknowledged and appreciated. But the feeling that victory brings is short-lived. You can't be a friend to just anyone because you're famous. And besides, the limelight fades either way. At the end of the day, it's all just personal perception. In the past, he was always bothered when he had to deal with crowds. People would almost instantaneously flinch when they see him materialize from the shadows. The usual reactions he would get were glances of discomfort, clear as day. But as he aged, Nico had totally grew with it and couldn't care less. Few ones have stubbornly stayed anyways, and that's what matters most.

He sighed as he unconsciously picked on his food, remembering how Will would always try to find a way to introduce him to new company whenever he could, or at least eat with him if he can't. He was always at it with trying to improve his 'people skills'. It was as if he was scared of Nico being on his own that no matter how many times Nico opposed to each of his ideas, he would always find a way to make him agree otherwise.

He was always the one to worry about his wellbeing. He reminded him of Percy a lot, only a much gentler version, but as easily annoying as him. Gee, Will's a natural pain. But Percy? Oh. He's exhilarating in more ways than one; easily the most stubborn guy Nico has met in his entire lifetime. That man is composed of recklessness, dedication and stupidity, personified. He was very devoted to the people he cared about that he'd most likely throw himself away for their sake instead of his- to which he did, countless of times. Nico had a first-hand experience. His impact on people leaves a strong impression of awe which makes him the leader he was. Nico wouldn't ever admit it out loud, but camp never seemed the same after the power couple's retirement for New Rome. The place lost the natural glow that always made the place buzzing with activity, and what made it seem like home.

If Percy were here, he would've checked up on those who were left at camp, and absolutely make this dull night into one hell of a good time. He was always the one for antics. If he were here, he'd probably be here annoying the hell out of him.

Percy, huh.

Suddenly he wasn't so hungry anymore. He didn't even eat half of his portion. He scraped the food from his plate into the bronze brazier and walked towards his cabin, with a bitter taste on his mouth.

His name still has that familiar pang of longing, no matter how deep he shoves it at the back of his mind. After everything he did, Nico just couldn't shrug it off. Even if it was reduced over time, the throbbing still manages to make him breathless.

Despite being satisfied with his meal, he felt hollow.

He wasn't clearly sure why, but for the first time in the expanse of his relationship with the son of Apollo, Nico felt utterly guilty.