Chapter 1: Default Chapter
Dr. Wily's Robot Rejects
by Aaron D.
"...so, as you can see, once again Mega Man has saved the city of Monstropolis from the clutches of evil. Jim?"
"That's right, Margie. Ha ha. That Mega Man. What would we do without him?"
"'What would do without him?'" Yard Man mimicked as the television newscast went to break. "Change the channel, would ya?" he asked the robotic bartender. She was a "tin can" model robot, not near as sophisticated as the 001 series which started with Mega Man (which was also sometimes called the "-Man" series). She had a representation of a face and female body, but didn't look like a real person. She wasn't capable of making her own decisions, just following instructions based on her program.
Yard Man, however, was capable of making his own decisions. And right now, he was deciding to have one more drink. "Gimme another martini," he ordered. The metallic bartender poured him another from the shaker-evidently something in Yard Man's disposition indicated he would be a heavy drinker. Like that was a surprise.
Yard Man pounded down his drink and ordered yet another. Freakin' Mega Man, he thought, getting all the glory, all the attention. While other working joes like him just had to mow the lawn. Or vacuum, cut down trees, or whatever. And get drunk. Definitely get drunk.
"That blue-suited bastard!" Yard Man yelled. Some part of him realized he was always like this when he drank, but he didn't care. Truth was, his life could have been worse. At least his lawnmower wasn't attached to his hands, like in his original specs. Going to the john would have been an entertaining experience, to say nothing of trying to make the moves on some hot mama.
Except that there weren't any hot mama robots, of course. All of the -Man series-except for Roll, naturally-were -Men, as their names might seem to suggest. Where was he? Oh, Yard Man's lot wasn't that bad. He had a government job now, which, admittedly, was nowhere NEAR as good as his last job, but it paid the bills, and he even got his own 4x8' apartment inside the Municipal Building, which apparently used to be a storage closet. His job wasn't too hard, groundskeeping the city offices, but it still sucked. A lot.
"Damn you, Mega Man!" Yard Man shouted. "You ruined everything!" Damn, that semi-female bartender was starting to look hot. "Hey, um, baby, you going anywhere later? 'Cause I-"
"Jesus, Yard Man, hitting on a primitive? I thought you had better taste."
Who the hell was this? "Yeah, shut up you... Who the hell are you?"
The newcomer, who somehow knew who the hell Yard Man was, was tall and svelte. He wore a red helmet with a sun visor that obscured most of his features. His red-and-white jumpsuit covered his entire body, and his only other article of clothing was a old scarf which was draped lazily around his neck. "I repeat," said Yard Man, "who the hell are you?"
"Name's Proto Man," said the other, brandishing a business card in his right hand. "I think I know a place where you'll be at home. We meet Tuesday and Friday nights. Hope to see you there." With that, Proto Man exited the bar, leaving Yard Man and the bartender alone again.
"Fuck," said Yard Man, slipping the business card into his pocket. He ordered another drink. Man, the bartender still wasn't looking bad. He wondered if she was equipped right...
Yard Man patted his right jacket pocket as he entered Monstropolis Community Center #3. What kind of name was "Monstropolis" for a city, anyway? Did they name the city after monsters, or was it because a whole lot of monsters attacked the city, or...he couldn't even think of a third alternative, except that maybe the town's founders were on LDS as the time. Yard Man punched himself in the head. His brain must have skipped a beat there. He meant, of course, LSD, the psychoactive drug, not the Latter-Day Saints. He shook his head and grumbled wordlessly as he climbed up the stairs to floor 4. He still wasn't sure what kind of a meeting he was going to-all Proto Man had printed on the card was "Tuesdays and Fridays, 6:30 PM, Monstropolis Community Center, Room 403."
Yard Man opened the door and saw that the room was still empty. Shit. He hated it when he was the first guy to show up for things, but he hated being late even more. What time was it, anyway? Around six-fifteen. Yard Man saw the coffee maker in the back of the meeting room, so he started up a pot. Might as well have something ready for everyone.
The first group member showed up around five minutes later. Maybe Yard Man's internal clock was fast or something. Dude, this guy looked weird. He had an oddly-shaped fin on the back of his head, and his entire costume was a silvery grey. His nose actually stuck out a bit, kind of like a beer bottle. Geez, he had to quit drinking so much.
"Let me guess," said Yard Man, "Dolphin Man, right?"
"On the nose-squeeeeeak!" Dolphin Man touched his nose as he let out a noise that actually sounded like something a dolphin would make. Dolphin Man looked up and down at Yard Man's yellow-and-green costume. "What's your name?"
"Yard Man."
"Oh," Dolphin Man said. "I don't get it."
"I have a lawnmower at home."
"Sure. Whatever floats your boat."
Yard Man shook his head. "No, really. That's my power. I mow lawns, and do occasional assorted landscaping chores."
"Fair enough," said Dolphin Man, spotting the brewing pot of coffee. "Oh, you made coffee! That's great. The other's'll love you. There's a lot of recovering alcoholics in this club." He removed the pot, placed an empty mug under the flow, and filled it up the rest of the way with what had accumulated in the pot. "Wait. Did you make it with nutmeg?"
"No, why?"
Dolphin Man looked nervous. "Um, never mind."
The next robot to show up was very, very short. He had red hair, but other than that, his color was green. He also had two four-leaf clovers on his lapel. "A pleasure ta meet ya, Yarrd Man. Sure'n I'm Leprechaun Man."
As Yard Man shook Leprechaun Man's hand, he realized something. "You're one of the recovering alcoholics, right?"
Leprechaun Man rolled his eyes. "Glory be, lad, I doon't like ta share that all around town, y'hear? Any robot based off an Irishman had ta' be big drinker, don't ya' know?"
Now, Yard Man rolled his eyes. "Actually, I think that's a bit stereotypical. No offense."
"Noone taken, me lad," said the short robot in his fake Irish brogue.
Next came Sprinkler Man, covered with waterspouts, but none of which would do enough damage to actually hurt anyone. Actually, Yard Man thought he might have seen Sprinkler Man at work before, but he wasn't really social enough to know for sure. After that was Radio Man, who had great communications ability but absolutely no use in battle-he couldn't even turn his volume up or down. At this point, Yard Man began to get suspicious.
"Hey," he asked Dolphin Man quietly. "What club is this, anyway?"
Dolphin Man looked around, then whispered, "I thought you knew. This isn't really a club, it's a support group. 'Wily's Robot Rejects.' We're robots that...didn't quite make the cut for world domination."
"What?" said Yard Man. No wonder Proto Man hadn't put the name of the group on his card! Maybe he should just leave right now.
Too late. Proto Man strode into the room, with another robot in tow. Yard Man didn't even belong here, anyway. Who was that other robot?...
"Centaur Man?"
"Yo," said Centaur Man. "Star Man's on the way up. He had to use the -Men's Room."
"Wait a minute," said Yard Man, "weren't you guys official Robot Masters? Didn't you get to fight Mega Man and all that?"
"Sure," said Centaur Man sarcastically, "and we know how well that turned out, don't we? Let's face it: we were small potatoes for Big Blue. I mean, come on, when Star Man was on the team, ol' Dr. W. was framing our Main Man here for the crime," he said, indicating Proto Man, "and when I was, there was that whole 'Mr. X' thing going on. You've gotta admit it-he wasn't even trying by that point. That's makes us a joke too; a wasted effort.
"Right," said Yard Man tentatively. He walked over to one of the folding chairs and gently sat down in it. There wasn't any point in waiting any longer. He nonchalantly slipped the pint flask out of his right jacket pocket and, hiding the bottle with his gloves, unscrewed the cap. While everyone's attention was on Proto Man, he tilted back his head and took a huge swig of rye whiskey.
"All right," said Proto Man, "we all know why we're here-anyone have anything new to share tonight?"
"I got a new job at Sea World," said Dolphin Man. "I'll be selling hot dogs."
"That's great!" replied Proto Man with sugary sweetness.
"Sure'n me pub's got a new kind of beer-the good ol' Beamish Red," said Leprechaun Man. Then he sniffed. "But I can't drink a sip o' it!" he wailed as the tears began rolling down his face. Centaur Man leaned way, way down and put his arm comfortingly around Leprechaun Man's shoulders.
"Anything else?" asked Proto Man. When no one answered, he continued. "All right, everyone, let's say hello to the newest member of Wily's Robot Rejects, Yard Man!"
"Hi, Yard Man!" everyone said.
"Wait," said Yard Man, "first I wanna know what's up with Proto Man. How are you a reject?"
"Well," began Proto Man, "I was the original robot of the 001 series. In fact, my serial number is 000. For some reason, Dr. Light thought I wasn't advanced enough to activate, so he gave up on me and started work on Mega Man instead. There's one rejection. Later, Dr. Wily thought I might help him out of anger, so he finally finished me and turned me on, but I wasn't quite evil enough for him, so he fired me. That's two rejections."
"That's tough," sympathized Yard Man. "I can relate. You see, I was created by Dr. Light, too."
All of the robots in the support group gasped. "What?" they asked at different intervals.
Suddenly Star Man appeared. "Sorry I'm late, everyone," he said, flouncing into the break room! "Oh, someone made coffee! With nutmeg, I hope?"
Everyone looked accusingly at Yard Man. "Uh, no, Star Man, I-hey, what's your story?"
"Oh," said Star Man, flapping his wrist, "I was originally supposed to be StarFish Man, but Old Grumpy Pants-that's what I call Dr. Wily, you understand-decided to cut a few corners, so here I am."
"Cool," said Yard Man tolerantly. "Anyway, you remember how Dr. Wily originally tried to reprogram all of his and Dr. Light's robots to take over the world? The first time, I mean." Everyone nodded. "Well, since Cut Man was busy being evil and all, and Mega Man was busy fighting him, Dr. Light decided he needed someone to look after his yard, so I was Number 009: Yard Man. As you might imagine, Roll was unwilling to do any yard work." Everyone nodded again. "I was more than willing to do it for her, so I did it with all my heart, and all my soul, and well, anyway, to cut a long story short, I never, ever, ever got any from Roll. She was an ice queen, let me tell you." Three of the robots nodded in agreement.
"So, I got a little pissed at my situation, especially after Mega Man got back from his quest and picked up all the spare glory lying around." Yard Man shook his head bitterly. "To make a long story short, once Cut Man was repaired, I didn't have a place around the house anymore. Dr. Light sold me to the City of Monstropolis for a thousand dollars."
Proto Man looked around at all of the members of the Robot Rejects. "I think we all know what we need to do now." The robots all got up and gave Yard Man a group hug.
Shit, what the hell was this, anyway? "Settle down, guys," said Yard Man, trying to extricate himself from the pack. When he was free, Yard Man headed back over to the coffee pot. Making sure the others were engrossed in conversations, he pulled out his flask and poured its contents into the coffee, effectively spiking it. "Anyone want some more coffee?" he asked.
His ploy had apparently worked, as everyone wanted some. Yard Man poured the coffee, Irish-style into everyone's cup, not just Leprechaun Man's. Everyone started drinking and drinking, and drinking, and eventually, the obvious occurred.
"Ya...ya know what the problem is," said Dolphin Man, forgetting to squeal, "is that Mega Man guy. I can't stand him."
"Fuckin' A," said Yard Man, taking a pull off his secondary flask, hidden in his left boot. "You know what? We need some more goddamned female robots! One for each of us!"
"Yeah!" everyone cheered.
"You know," Star Man said, "I offered to be made a female robot, but Dr. Wily said he wouldn't have any Starfish Lady working for him, so here I am."
"Okayyy..." said Proto Man.
"Hey," said Centaur Man, "hey, guys. Listen to this: Let's go find Mega Man and kick his ass! Hardcore!"
Everyone agreed, so they all went outside and went to find Mega Man with the intent of doing him great bodily harm. It just so happened that night that Mega Man was pulling crossing guard duty at the next street corner, so when the robots found him, well, things didn't go so well.
"Don't cross yet," said Mega Man, wearing an orange vest over his blue armor and carrying a "Stop" sign. "The light hasn't changed."
"You son of a," said Proto Man, "you son of a bitch!" He took a swing at his younger brother, missing and falling down on the sidewalk.
"You ruined everything for all of us!" said Dolphin Man. "Squeeeeaakkk!"
"Aye," agreed Leprechaun Man, "Sure'n yer lucky I don't have me trusty cast-iron shillelagh with me tonight, me lad!"
Yard Man slapped Mega Man on the shoulder, then walked around behind him, and, coincidentally, into the street. "Look, Mega Man, okay, look, here's the problem: you've roooned, I mean, ruined life for all us lame robots. Some of us aren't even that lame, but our lives still suck! And it's all your fault, you son of a bitch!"
"Huh?" asked Mega Man. "What are you talking about, Yard Man?"
"What I'm talking about is..." At this point Yard Man drew back his left fist gradually. "...this!" he then threw a massively powerful punch at Mega Man. Unfortunately, Mega Man was distracted and couldn't perform his crossing guard duties to perfection, and a car zoomed through the intersection, impacting painfully with Yard Man. The robot lawn expert lost his footing, feeling pain basically everywhere in his entire metallic body.
"Yard Man!" yelled Mega Man. "Hold on, buddy! I'll get you to the workshop!" Then Yard Man lost consciousness.
Some time later, he thought he heard voices. "He's really hurt, Doctor."
"That's all right, Mega Man. We can rebuild him: stronger, faster, and I've got a new idea I've been dying to try out."
Yard Man went offline, and knew nothing more for several months.
Consciousness was restored. "Are you awake?" asked Mega Man, his voice filled with concern.
"Yeah. What happened?" Hey, that wasn't Yard Man's voice! What was going on here? And why were there all these bright lights? There was a lot of people gathered, too.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Dr. Light's voice, "let me introduce you to my newest creation, the first model of the all-female 100 series, Yardina, the Yard Lady!"
The crowd cheered, paying homage to the latest of Dr. Light's robotic innovations.
"What?" Yardina's hands flew down to his waist, then up to his-or rather, her-breasts. She saw several of her former robotic friends-men all, of course-looking at her with lustful gleams in their eyes. Proto Man in particular looked intrigued.
Why couldn't they have used Star Man? He actually wanted this. Yardina really needed a drink. Wait-she couldn't drink too much, because then her inhibitions would be lowered, and Proto Man might actually be able to...
"Noooooooo!" Yardina screamed.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, this was a little stupid, but the idea just wouldn't go away. I'm not planning on making any more of these, but you never know. Oh, and Yard Man is an actual brand of lawn mower-in fact, it's the one I use, but don't consider that an endorsement or anything.