Ok. So this was originally meant to be a onshot, but then I finished the part about Susan and realised I already had three pages. So I decided to make it a bit longer.

I'm from Belgium, so please note that my english is not great.

This is based on the movie Prince Caspian. Mainly because I have never read the books.

Hope you like it, and I also love reviews.

What once was

Queen Susan, The gentle

Once upon a time there lived two kings and two queens. In a country hidden in a wardrobe. And they were happy there.

And it hurts Susan when she thinks of it. Because once upon a time is the start of a fairytale. And perhaps her story was somewhat a fairytale. She always believed it was. Until she walked trough that tree. Until she knew she'd never see him again.

Because a fairytale was always beautiful. And in the fairytale good always won. And nobody ever died. And the princess (or queen) would always find her knight in shining armor. And they would be happy.

And though she believes her story resembles fairytales, it also differs from them. And is that that hurts her most. Because she was never a damsel in distress, she never needed someone to safe her. Not really. But she did find her knight in shining armor. But he didn't resemble the princes in the story's at all. And that's why it hurt so much. Because things had been different.

( and sometimes she thinks that if she had been a damsel in distress if she had needed saving, then perhaps her story would have been like a fairytale. And perhaps everything would be different.)

But she hadn't. and the biggest difference was what hurt her the most. Because her story missed the most important thing. She didn't get her happy ending. There was no and they lived happily ever after for her and prince Caspian. No matter how much she wish there would be.

( And she used to love reading those fairytales. She used to dream of a prince on a white horse to safe her. To take her to his castle to make her happy. The reality had been so different from the dream. It had been so much better. But it had all been taken away in a second.)

And she never could read another fairytale. She could never open another one of those books without crying. Without thinking of what could have been. But she makes herself strong. Because nobody really understands. Because nobody really knows.

( Not even her siblings, thought they understand better. They have seen Narnia. They have felt Narnia. But Lucy and Edmund are going back. And perhaps the person who understands her most is Peter. But not truly. Because he never felt what she felt. Her heart break into a million pieces. And nothing but him could make it whole again.)

And perhaps that is why she doesn't take interest in boys. None of them life up to him. And she thinks it's tragic that the one person she loves is the one person she'll never see again. Sometimes she whishes she had died in the battle. Then she would have never felt this pain.

(But then she looks at her siblings and the wish dies instantly. Because she could never bear being the person to take away Peter's strength, or Edmund's believe. She could never be the one to take away Lucy's faith or wipe that eternal smile of her face. She couldn't. Just like she couldn't just think of herself, they were the four kings and queens of old. And they would remain together.)

And sometimes she sees his face and she smiles. Because she loves him. Because she knows he loves her. And somehow (she isn't really sure how.) But somehow she knows she will see him again. She doesn't know how she knows this but she does.

(sometimes she thinks Aslans whispers it in her dreams. Sometimes she thinks it is just a way to get trough the day. She doesn't really care anymore.)

And sometimes she hates Aslan. For doing what he did. For separating them. She hated him a lot in the beginning. Until one night she dreamed about the stone table. And she understands. Not completely. She could never understand why Aslan did what he did. But she knows Aslan knows what he does. And he has a reason for everything.

(and she really doesn't understand the reason. She really doesn't know why. But somehow she has to have faith in Aslan. Because if she loses her faith, everything will be lost.)

And she used to look in the mirror and see his face. She still does. But she couldn't look in the mirror without crying. So one day she broke the mirror. And refused to buy another. Thinking she broke the memory with it. But she didn't. She still sees his face everywhere she looks.

( And she used to think that his memory would fade over time. That her feelings would fade. But time seemed to have made his memory more real, her feelings stronger. And she wonders if she will ever be happy.)

And sometimes she wonders why she had to be the one. Why out of the four of them she had to lose her heart in Narnia. Why she could never be happy. Why it was her who got this faith. Why she had to love the one person she could never have. And she wonders if it will be this way forever. If she will forever love the one person she could never have.

( And sometimes she hates her brothers. For not understanding. For not seeing. Peter for telling her to just forget. Edmund telling her to stop talking about him. Stop thinking about it. The only one who understands a little, the only one who never asks her why she cries is Lucy. And perhaps that's what hurts the most .Because she wants to protect Lucy. She doesn't want Lucy to see her in pain.)

And it took her a lot of courage. And it took her a lot of time. But one day she managed. She painted a mask over her face, over her pain. A mask of a happy girl, one who had never been harmed. A girl that would laugh at a joke. A girl who never spoke of prince Caspian again. And she could see Peter smile, and she could see Edmund smile. And she saw the relieved looks on both her parents and the teachers faces. And she saw her friends smile at getting her back. The real Susan Pevensie.

(But inside she is still the hurt girl. The real Susan Pevensie is the one who is hidden. It is the one who is queen of Narnia. It is the one who fought for her people. It is the one holding the bow and arrow. It is the one who is in love with Caspian. A love story with no beginning and no end.)

Only Lucy sees trough her mask. Though she never mentions it. Susan still knows. Because when she laughs with her siblings it is Lucy who throws her a knowing look. And when a boy asks her out, it is Lucy who stands beside her. When her friends talk about make up and other silly things it is Lucy who finds a way to distract her.

(And Lucy never says anything. And maybe she doesn't fully understand, but does that really matter. All that matters is that she is there, there when Peter and Edmund weren't. There even though she didn't understand, even though she didn't feel what Susan felt. She saw the pain in Susan's eyes, even if nobody else did.)

And yet every time she closes her eyes she sees his face. And every night she dreams of him. And she wonders if he remembers her. She wonders if he loves her. If he to dreams of her.

(And one night she wonders if he's even still alive. And it hurts her to think that perhaps he lived his life already. That perhaps he is dead. And it hurts even more thinking that he lived his entire life without her – maybe even married- and she still has to live hers.)

And every night she wakes up before she can hold him in her arms. Before she can kiss him. Before she can reach him. And every night it is Lucy who climbs in her bed and holds her tight. It is Lucy who never asks questions and just lets her cry. Who never demands explanations. Who never asks for anything. Who just holds her tight. Until she falls asleep and simply doesn't dream.

(And it is on one of those nights that for the first time she truly comprehends why Lucy was the Valiant. And she loves her for it. )

And she knows that perhaps Peter is right. That she should forget. That it was just a feeling. A moment. That as soon as she meets her real prince charming, Caspian will be nothing but a distant memory. And she wants to believe it. But she does not. Because every night she sees his face, she knows she loves him. She knows he was her prince charming. And it hurts to know that.

(But what hurt the most was Peter laughing when she told him. What hurts the most was him telling her not to be silly. What hurt the most was that at that moments she wondered if perhaps he had left High King Peter, the magnificent, her brother in Narnia. To be forgotten forever.)

But she cannot forget. And she cannot live. She is a ghost. A mask. People don't see her not really. They only see what they want to see. Only Lucy really sees her. And she tries to forget, she really does. But every time she opens one of those books she remembers her story.

And every time she closes her eyes she sees his face. And every times she looks out the window she remembers. And she wonders if she will ever be home again. If she will ever belong again. And every night she dreams of it.

(And sometimes she wonders if Aslan is punishing her. If perhaps she did something wrong. So wrong that she deserves this pain. But then she remembers the look in his eyes when he told her she wasn't coming back. The understanding smile when he saw her look at Caspian. And she knows that the lion would never harm her. Not purposely.)

And she thinks of those fairytales. Of the knight in shining armor. Of the damsel in distress. Of the prince on the white horse (Caspian's horse hadn't really been white, but did that really matter?) And every girl is waiting for him. Their prince. Every girl is waiting for that famous happy ending. That love that will never die. The one you only read about.

(Everyone except for her. And she really doesn't understand. After all in her mind she belongs in Narnia. That is her home. With him. But for some reason she is here. And she has to tell herself that Aslan knows what he's doing. But she doesn't really believe it.)

And she knows she is slowly disappearing. That with each passing day she is distancing from her friends and family. That one day perhaps Susan Pevensie, queen Susan will disappear, and all that will be left is nothing but a distant memory of what she had once been.

(And sometimes she wants that day to come. As to not remember his eyes. Not to remember the beautiful grounds. Not to remember Aslan. But then she cries and Lucy holds her, and she never wants that day to come. Because she fears that if that day does come she will lose Lucy to.)

And one day she takes out her diary and starts writing. Once upon a time there where two boys and two girls. And she writes the entire story down, as to never forget it. But she knows she never will. Because she lived her fairytale, she was a queen. She was queen Susan the gentle. She met her knight in shining armor. But life is not always a fairytale. And sometimes things go bad.

And unlike most of the girls in her class. Unlike the princess and queens in the fairytale. She, queen Susan the gentle, didn't get her famous happy ending.