"Symptom/Diagnose"

Written be SRC

AN: This is probably the most personal thing I have ever written. I hope it comes off serious, but not contrived and not without humor. I really tried to find Maxie's voice through this piece.

Warning 1) Anything you recognize, I did not create and do not claim ownership.

Warning 2) Spinelli is only mentioned in passing. This takes place after the infamous JoMax kiss and after the scene (fight) at the docks. Please read and review to let me know what you think. Concrit is most welcome.

*

"Dad. Seriously, you saw me sit at that kitchen table for three days! Georgie and I monopolized two tables at Kelly's… Mike can vouch for us. I used my notes, and-and Lucas' notes, and you know he's like… a genius, or something. And! And Georgie tried to help me and she's like head of the Nerd Herd. I did nothing but study for that stupid test all week. I gave up an entire weekend. I did everything I could… What else could I have done?"

Mac look down at his daughter whose eyes were bright with unshed tears. Her face was flushed and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her face was makeup free, something he hadn't seen since she found a stick of Felicia's Maybelline blackest black mascara, in the sixth grade. She was sitting there at the table where she spent most of the week and, like she said, the entire Saturday and Sunday. Her head hung low, cradled between two skinny arms. She was dressed in a pair of holy jeans and her University of Paris sweatshirt that Robin had mailed to her. Laying face up on the table in front of her was her geometry exam with a big '57%' circled precisely at the top in bold faced, red marker. He shook his head. No.

"Maxie, I saw you sit here, yea. But while you were sitting here I saw you draw in the margins of those notes, sip about 20 lattes', caught you staring absent mindedly out the window. I saw you read two issues of Nylon! Maxie! I saw you clean out the junk drawer!" He looked around the room in disbelief and mock amusement. "Hell! I saw you text notes as long as The First Testament to Hillary or Shauna, or whoever it is you're seeing this week." He bit back a harsh laugh, "So don't tell me you did everything you could. Don't lie to me."

The blonde teenager wiped at her eyes and slouch over the exam, before looking up at her step-dad, but right past his shoulder. "I guess I'm just dumb."

He grabbed her shoulder and lightly shook her, "Look at me. You're not dumb." He dropped his hand and then dropped into the seat next to her. "You are lazy, though." He looked around. "What are we going to do about this?"

"We can't do anything. I had to get a 'B-' or better to pass that class. I'm going to have to re-take it."

*

Maxie sat in the desk, directly behind Charles D'Amato. The room was silent, but she could hear the buzz of the halogen lights above her. The scratching of the pencils around her, filling in the seemingly endless row of tiny fucking bubbles. She could hear the tick of the second hand on the clock located on the wall 10 feet in front of her as it made its revolution around the face. Every fourth minute she heard the proctor turn the page of the novel she was reading while the exams were in progress. She heard fuckin' Becky Smith sniffle through congested sinuses more times then there were bubbles on the paper in front of her.

"Time." A voice broke through everything else around her, "Please put down your pencils and I will be around to pick up your test. Do not write anymore. If you continue to work your test will be confiscated an not graded…"

The speech continued as the proctor walked up and down the rows collecting the Scantron sheets and the test booklets. Maxie looked down at her partially filled out answer sheet and sighed.

'Well, fuck.' She thought. 'Community College here I come. I'm going to become a professional waitress.'

Maxie got the score back three weeks later, a big manila envelope packed with explanations of the grading system, average scores and other statistics, and, of course, the answers. She skipped over the information and turned the coversheet over to reveal her score.

She got a combined score of 970. 200 points lower then the combined average. She threw the folder in the recycling bin and went for a run.

*

"License and Registration, please."

"Hello Officer. Did I do something wrong?" Maxie tried to look as innocent and girly and blonde as possible through the rolled down window.

"Miss, you were going 20 miles over the speed limit and blew through a stop sign at a two way intersection."

Maxie looked at the cop's baby blue eyes. 'He probably just got his shield' she thought. 'He can't even shave yet.' She could possibly work this situation, then. "Gosh, officer. I didn't even see that stop sign… And was I speeding? I haven't seen a speed sign in miles." She made her eyes as wide as possible. If this didn't work, Mac was gonna kill her.

"I'm sorry, Miss. License and Registration, please." He looked guilty, but firm. She had one more card in her pocket though.

She reached over to the glove box and pulled out her registration card, and then pulled her wallet out of her purse and grabbed her license and her Dad's courtesy shield and handed all three items to the officer.

Then she held her breath.

The officer smirked when he reached the courtesy shield, "You're Dad's the Police Commissioner?"

"Yes, sir."

He looked at the shield, and then back to Maxie, a thoughtful frown on his face.

Maxie's heart plummeted to her stomach.

"Ok, Miss… Jones? If I look up your records what am I going to see?"

Maxie sighed. 'And that's it. Goodbye world. Goodbye Marc Jacobs, and Chanel and Dior. She would never be able to test drive those satin yellow 4 inch Minolo Blahnik heels.' She was a goner.

She smiled up guiltily as the officer. "Maybe an offense or two." (or 6).

He went back to his cruiser where she saw him dial into the station to look up her record. In her mind she did a mental tally, 'two speeding tickets, three accident reports ranging from fender benders, to a minor collision, to a total wreck of her first car she owned where she had side-swiped a guard rail driving to fast on a sheet of black ice. There were 2 more tickets for running a red light…

She wondered if they were going to look up parking violations, too?

When the officer came back to her window she saw two tickets in his big hand. "You have quite the record young lady. Does that card ever work?"

She looked straight out the front window and spoke blandly, "not as often as I would like."

She looked back at the officer and dropped her cute innocent, act. "So, two tickets, huh. What'd I win?"

"I'm giving you the speeding ticket, there was a sign that said 40 miles/hour a quarter mile down the road. But I noticed you're 4 points away from losing your license, so I'm giving you a seatbelt violation ticket."

Maxie looked down. Her seat belt was on.

"The seatbelt violation is only 1 point and a $50 dollar fine." He looked at her meaningfully. "So… wear your seatbelt, watch the road signs, and be more careful."

He gave her the tickets, gave her back her information (but kept the courtesy shield) and got back into his cruiser and drove away.

Maxie dropped her head on the steering wheel dramatically and the horn blared in response. She lifted her head, started the car and headed home.

In three minutes she was going 15 miles over the limit once more.

*

She sat in Robin's new living room. Emma was asleep in the other room and the mother in question was bonelessly flopped on beige couch. Maxie was sitting in the chair kitty corner, with tears of stress and frustration slowly rolling down her face.

"You know I don't mean to stress you out Robin, but I don't know what's wrong with me. What the hell is my problem? What is my childhood trauma? I love Spinelli. I love him! But just like everything else. I'm screwing it up."

Robin was sitting up now, in Doctor Scorpio mode.

"It's like I know what I feel whenever I see him. I see his smile and I melt. I hold his hand and it's like, the safest I ever feel. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful, smart, funny person in the world, even though I know that I'm not! He see's this person that no one else see's, no one else wants to see. He's created this… place for me… I can't describe it. It's full of… potential. Me. Him. The world? He's given me this potential and it's something that I've never experienced before. It's like a drug. I want more and now and harder and faster. And my heart races and it's love. It's cheesy and intangible and organic all at the same time."

She took a breath. " But I can't concentrate on that, because, in my stupid head, I'm thinking about the immediate. I can't think ahead to see what the fuck I'm doing! What the fuck is that? Someone put me in a race and said run! But no one told me it's a goddamn marathon! No one told me what direction to go in. So I'm just kind of… lost. And I think it's love, because it feels so good. But what kind of person am I if the second I lose focus the second I see something else? Something I know is just a cheap knockoff. Like, remember when we went shoe shopping and I bought those black gladiator sandals, the Jeffrey Campbell ones? I actually forgot that just a week ago I was given a pair of Marc Jacobs sandals just like them. They are by far more comfortable and cuter and better fit, but I saw the Campbell's, shelled out 300 bucks and didn't even remember what was already in my closet, already perfect."

Robin looked thoughtful, "Maybe you should go talk to Dr. Winters. Make an appointment, she's paid to solve peoples mental problems. I'll call her for you…"

Maxie shrugged, she didn't think a shrink could help her, though. After all, She just referenced shoes and compared them to her love for Spinelli.

*

The nurse technician gently began to remove the adhesive probes from around her head, temple and scalp. When she was done, she sat up and took a hop off the bed where she was laying. She was led out of the room that held the cat scan and back to Dr. Winters office. The nurse smiled politely and told her that the doctor would be back in about ten minutes.

Maxie didn't really know what was going on. She had come in to talk to Dr. Winters, per Robin's sage advice and now she was wondering if they thought she had a brain tumor or something. Would Spinelli buy that as an excuse to why she was unfaithful?

She and the Doctor had talked for about two hours. About her family (dysfunctional, but full of love), her childhood (Spoiled by Mac, but abandonment issues), Georgie (she mostly just cried through the Georgie discussion), school (expressed disdain and she talked about the new Fall line getting ready to come out, instead), Spinelli (her feelings for him). The talk alone was cathartic and it felt great to just talk and not be judged, but no nuggets of realization emerged.

After the talk, Dr. Winters said she wanted to draw some blood. She was also given a test on a computer that had her read the names of colors off of words that did not match up with the colors (For example, the word Purple was written in a brown color and she was supposed to say 'brown'.). In the same test she was required to click targets as quickly as possible, but she was only supposed to fire at specific targets.

Maxie did learn that she was very trigger-happy and she should not ever own a gun.

Then she was taken get a brain scan while a nurse asked her questions. This was to see where neurons were firing in her brain when she was put under stress. Or something.

Maxie paced in the office while she waited, trying not to think about anything at all. When Dr. Winters came back into the room she had a smile on her face, so Maxie guessed she wasn't dying.

"Ok, Maxie. Thanks for being so patient. I think I know what's wrong here. " She sat on her desk casually in front of the blonde. "You didn't do very well in school. You probably tried really hard for a while and then just gave up, because no matter what you did, lessons weren't sticking. You probably were a bad test taker too. You hear small things and they distract you or cause you to space out. You're in your own head a lot, but you've been told you talk a whole lot and very fast. I'm guessing your driving record is pretty crummy too. You have trouble doing just one thing at a time. You feel like you have to be doing a couple things at once, but the problem is, then you don't do any of those things very well."

Maxie could feel the color drain from her face as she nervously started tapping her foot.

"You're a big fidgeter, standing still is nearly impossible for you. You feel restless."

She forced her leg to quit bouncing, "How do you know all this? You got this all from a chat?"

"Maxie I think you have a pretty severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder. It's usually diagnosed when you are younger. The mother usually is the one to recognize the signs."

"Thanks, Felicia. " Maxie said under her breathe. She spoke louder, "I'm not, like, hyper or anything. You must be wrong."

"I don't think so. You don't have to be hyper to have ADD, Maxie." She got a prescription pad out and scribbled out a few lines before tearing off the sheet of paper and handing it to the younger women. "This is a prescription for 50 mg of Adderal. It's a mild dose, you'll probably need a stronger one but I want to make sure you don't have any…. Maxie, what's wrong sweetie? This is not bad news, at all."

Tears were welling up and she couldn't help the choked sob that escaped her throat. "My entire life I've been a failure. I've been called lazy and stupid and undisciplined. Mac thought I was acting out…. It's just…" another cry sounded and more tears streamed down, "So it's not my fault? I can just take a pill and be like everyone else? What if I take the pill and am still an idiot and a screw up?"

She was crying more heavily now. "And this is why I can't realize how perfect Spin is? This is why I'm screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me?"

"Sweetie, I watched you grow from a teenager to a wonderful adult. No one thought you were a screw up and Mac loves you so much. You were respected for the unique, free spirited girl you are. And this diagnosis is not going to change anything except maybe help you get through a paper in normal amount of time." She joked lightly.

"And as for Spinelli, well… you're going to have to trust him and trust yourself to do the right thing for you. Everything will work out the way it was meant to work out, but no one says you don't have to fight for what you want."

Maxie sniffled, "What a shrink thing to say. What next, are you going to start talking about self actualization, or something?" she gave a watery chuckle.

"Well… yes. Self actualize your self with Spinelli, without Spinelli. Maybe even forget about him and Mac and anyone in your life and just think about you for a few weeks while on the treatment. Try and reach some clarity with as little variables as possible."

Maxie sniffled one last time before blowing her nose into a Kleenex and then crumpling the used tissue in her fist as she gathered her black Dooney and Burke bag and adjusted BCBG shift. "Thanks, Dr. Winters". And started to move to the door.

Dr. Winters gave her a confused look. "My pleasure… so where are you off too?"

"If I have to 'actualize' or… whatever, I need to go shoe shopping." 'I can't win Spinelli back if I don't have those new navy blue, Jimmy Choo slingbacks with Swarovski crystal embellishes.'

-fin